Toxic Shame: What It Is and How to Manage It

Table of ContentsView AllTable of ContentsCauses of Toxic ShameWhat Toxic Shame Feels LikeCoping Strategies for Overcoming Toxic ShameBuilding Resilience and Finding Support

Table of ContentsView All

View All

Table of Contents

Causes of Toxic Shame

What Toxic Shame Feels Like

Coping Strategies for Overcoming Toxic Shame

Building Resilience and Finding Support

Close

We all feel ashamed of ourselves now and again—maybe we turned in a project for work that we knew could have been better, or we were unkind to someone we should have treated with more patience. But these understandable and relatively short-lived feelings ofshameare very different from toxic shame.

Toxic shame usually develops in childhood or early adolescence, when our opinions and feelings about ourselves are still forming. It is often a trauma response—when something traumatic happens to you, like child abuse,neglect, or some kind of attack that makes you question your worth, you internalize the feelings of worthlessness that those around you are projecting onto you.

Repeated emotional and/or physical attacks teach you to absorb and accept the feeling that you are worthless and that you should be ashamed of yourself, whether or not you have actually done anything wrong. This is how toxic shame begins. Those around you teach you that you shouldhate yourself, and so you do.

Feelings of worthlessness and self-loathing are at the core of toxic shame, but it can come with many other signs and symptoms as well. These include:

It’s important to note that toxic shame does not necessarily mean that you are feeling shame all the time, 24/7; rather, it’s more about how triggered you get when faced with something you feel you should be ashamed of. It is this dramatic and inordinate reaction that signifies toxic shame.

Although toxic shame might feel impossible to overcome, there are coping strategies that you can use to attack your shame at its source.

The first step is identifying what is triggering about the situation and seeing what is in your control that you might change. For example, things like your their inner dialogue, boundaries, communication, and distress tolerance. Avoiding things that create shame can make someone with toxic shame isolate. It is important, however, to identify people who are shaming you or are highly critical and set boundaries or avoid them.

It’s also important to acknowledge your feelings and thoughts of shame and insecurity. If you pretend like they’re not there and like nothing’s happening to you, you’ll never be able to change those feelings and thoughts. Allow yourself to feel these things rather than trying to block them out or ignore them. Then, you can work on finding a way out.

Acknowledgment of your feelings goes hand in hand with self-compassion. Be patient and understanding with yourself—these feelings will not go away overnight. It’s ok to struggle, because toxic shame can be incredibly difficult to tackle. Don’t judge yourself for not overcoming it right away.

Therapy can be helpful when dealing with toxic shame because it can teach you how to recognize and reframe negative thoughts and feelings. Approaches likeDBTandACTcan be helpful for toxic shame because they teach distress tolerance, while an approach likeCBTis more focused on changing those behaviors and thoughts.

First of all, if you have friends or family whom you can trust, talk to them about how you’re feeling. Chances are they do not feel the same way about you as you do about yourself. Hearing positive feedback from others and letting yourself experience their love for you can go a long way when you’re trying to build up your self-esteem and combat toxic shame.

Support groups can also be helpful. There are plenty of support groups out there for victims of trauma, abuse, and neglect, both online and in-person. Listening to how others in similar situations dealt with their shame can help you tackle your own, and getting support from others who have been where you are can make you feel less alone.

Be compassionate with yourself. Change doesn’t happen overnight, especially not when you’re dealing with such difficult and intense feelings and internalized hatred and self-judgment. Be prepared to work hard as you face your issues and combat your toxic shame.

Final Thoughts

Toxic shame can cause feelings of worthlessness and self-loathing, but with hard work and support and help from friends, family, and mental health professionals, you can overcome these incredibly challenging feelings and learn to love and respect yourself.

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