Toxic Mother: Definition, Signs, and How to Cope

While toxic relationships are not at all exclusive to parent-child relationships, toxicity in these relationships can often be the most damaging since parents are responsible for helping shape how their children view themselves and the world around them.

Mother and father figures can mean different things in different families, especially in single-parent or multi-generational homes. That said, we will look primarily at what it means to have atoxic maternal relationship. We’ll also look at how theserelationships can impact a person’s self-viewand how that relationship can carry into adulthood.

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What Is a Toxic Relationship?

To understand what it means to have a toxic relationship with a parent, it’s essential to understand what that term means concerning any relationship.

Simply put, atoxic relationshipis in which your mental, psychological, or physical well-being is put in danger. Often, toxic relationships can be borne out of good will, like if a parent finds themselves getting too involved in the intricacies of your personal life because they don’t want anything bad to happen.

That said, this can easily transition into a relationship that lacks personal boundaries. Toxic relationships can also come from a lack of communication or happen when all means of communication are primarilyin the form of critiques.

While toxic relationships can happen in romantic relationships and even friendships, parental relationships that are toxic can often be the most damaging due to the role parents play in forming your views of the world.

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Signs of Toxic Parent-Child Relationships

One study noted that parents who are toxic to their childrensuffer from depressionthemselves, showing how important it is to address your own mental health.If you’re wondering if you or someone you know experienced a toxic parent-child relationship, ask yourself if you’ve witnessed or experienced these things:

Blaming

Toxic parents oftenblame their childrenfor their own problems. For example, if a parent is constantly upset about a dirty house, they are likely to blame their child for the mess, even if their kid had no part in creating it.

Lack of Empathy or Understanding

Toxic parents typically don’t make an effort to understand their children and their struggles. This can apply to their child doing poorly in school, sports, or any number of activities. What’s worse is that they typicallycomplainto or berate their child as a result of any behavior they deem sub-par. As a result, the child may feel like they have nowhere to turn forsupport.

Exploitation

Toxic parents expect a lot from their children, but they don’t give them very much in return. An example might be them expecting their child to look past their own negative behavior while refusing to do the same for them.

Negativity

Toxic parents aren’t just negative about their kids, they’re oftennegative about the state of the world. They will typically voice this to their kids, which can lead to more stress for the child.

Poor Boundaries

Toxic parents may overshare with their children, treating them like their therapist regarding several things that the child can’t control or understand. This can lead into adulthood and cause problems for the child as they figure out how tonavigate their relationships.

If these problems continue into adulthood, it’s important to recognize when it’s happening and note to your parent that you will not tolerate this type of behavior. If it’s continually impacting you, it may be time to consider limiting the amount of communication you allow from that parent.

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Why These Relationships Can Cause Such Harm

Luckily, therapy and proper treatment can help mend this damage.

That said, here are some of the things that children and adults of toxic parents can deal with long into adulthood:

Difficulty in relationships

In the book “Poisonous Parenting: Toxic Relationships Between Parents and Their Adult Children,” the authors note that a lack of confidence in early emotional bonds can lead to children forming unhealthy relationships as adults. As adults, these kids can suffer from feelings of abandonment, fear, violation, and loneliness. They can also have a difficult time trusting romantic partners or close friends.

Behavioral Issues

One study observed 10 abusive and 10 loving mothers as they interacted with their children in a daycare setting.They found that the abusive mothers were inconsistent in their parenting techniques and less flexible when their children didn’t meet their commands.

The result was that their children acted out more frequently than the children with caring mothers. These results show that this type of parenting can negatively shape achild’s behavior patternsin the future.

Toxic Stress

Another report found that the result of toxic relationships is toxic stress.In looking at adults who experiencedtoxic stressas children, the researchers found that it resulted in learning impairments and behavioral issues and negatively impacted people’s mental and physical well-being long into adulthood.

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How to Cope

While finding a therapist is certainly a good idea, there are things that you can do every single day to make sure you’re managing your emotions in a healthy way. This journalexplains how to positively cope with parents who continually display unhealthy behaviors.

Press Play for Advice On Influencing Someone’s Behavior

A Word From Verywell

I Hate My Mother: What to Do When You Feel This Way

5 SourcesVerywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Gibb, B. E., & Abela, J. R. Z. (2008).Emotional Abuse, Verbal Victimization, and the Development of Children’s Negative Inferential Styles and Depressive Symptoms.Cognitive Therapy and Research,32, 161–176 doi:10.1007/s10608-006-9106-xFRIEDMAN, R. A. (2009, October 19).When Parents Are Too Toxic to Tolerate [Therapy Blog]. Better Days and Nights, PLLC.Oldershaw, L., Walters, G. C., & Hall, D. K. (1986).Control Strategies and Noncompliance in Abusive Mother-Child Dyads: An Observational Study.Child Development,57(3), 722–732. doi:10.2307/1130349Shonkoff, J. P., & Garner, A. S. (2012).The Lifelong Effects of Early Childhood Adversity and Toxic Stress.Pediatrics,129(1). doi:10.1542/peds.2011-2663Al Ubaidi , B. A. (2017).Cost of Growing up in Dysfunctional Family.Journal of Family Medicine and Disease Prevention,3(3). doi:10.23937/2469-5793/1510059

5 Sources

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Gibb, B. E., & Abela, J. R. Z. (2008).Emotional Abuse, Verbal Victimization, and the Development of Children’s Negative Inferential Styles and Depressive Symptoms.Cognitive Therapy and Research,32, 161–176 doi:10.1007/s10608-006-9106-xFRIEDMAN, R. A. (2009, October 19).When Parents Are Too Toxic to Tolerate [Therapy Blog]. Better Days and Nights, PLLC.Oldershaw, L., Walters, G. C., & Hall, D. K. (1986).Control Strategies and Noncompliance in Abusive Mother-Child Dyads: An Observational Study.Child Development,57(3), 722–732. doi:10.2307/1130349Shonkoff, J. P., & Garner, A. S. (2012).The Lifelong Effects of Early Childhood Adversity and Toxic Stress.Pediatrics,129(1). doi:10.1542/peds.2011-2663Al Ubaidi , B. A. (2017).Cost of Growing up in Dysfunctional Family.Journal of Family Medicine and Disease Prevention,3(3). doi:10.23937/2469-5793/1510059

Gibb, B. E., & Abela, J. R. Z. (2008).Emotional Abuse, Verbal Victimization, and the Development of Children’s Negative Inferential Styles and Depressive Symptoms.Cognitive Therapy and Research,32, 161–176 doi:10.1007/s10608-006-9106-xFRIEDMAN, R. A. (2009, October 19).When Parents Are Too Toxic to Tolerate [Therapy Blog]. Better Days and Nights, PLLC.Oldershaw, L., Walters, G. C., & Hall, D. K. (1986).Control Strategies and Noncompliance in Abusive Mother-Child Dyads: An Observational Study.Child Development,57(3), 722–732. doi:10.2307/1130349Shonkoff, J. P., & Garner, A. S. (2012).The Lifelong Effects of Early Childhood Adversity and Toxic Stress.Pediatrics,129(1). doi:10.1542/peds.2011-2663Al Ubaidi , B. A. (2017).Cost of Growing up in Dysfunctional Family.Journal of Family Medicine and Disease Prevention,3(3). doi:10.23937/2469-5793/1510059

FRIEDMAN, R. A. (2009, October 19).When Parents Are Too Toxic to Tolerate [Therapy Blog]. Better Days and Nights, PLLC.

Oldershaw, L., Walters, G. C., & Hall, D. K. (1986).Control Strategies and Noncompliance in Abusive Mother-Child Dyads: An Observational Study.Child Development,57(3), 722–732. doi:10.2307/1130349

Shonkoff, J. P., & Garner, A. S. (2012).The Lifelong Effects of Early Childhood Adversity and Toxic Stress.Pediatrics,129(1). doi:10.1542/peds.2011-2663

Al Ubaidi , B. A. (2017).Cost of Growing up in Dysfunctional Family.Journal of Family Medicine and Disease Prevention,3(3). doi:10.23937/2469-5793/1510059

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What Is a Toxic Relationship?#

Signs of Toxic Parent-Child Relationships#

Blaming#

Lack of Empathy or Understanding#

Exploitation#

Negativity#

Poor Boundaries#

Why These Relationships Can Cause Such Harm#

Difficulty in relationships#

Behavioral Issues#

Toxic Stress#

How to Cope#

Press Play for Advice On Influencing Someone’s Behavior#

A Word From Verywell#