Table of ContentsView AllTable of ContentsSigns and SymptomsThe Psychology Behind Emotional MonitoringImpactStrategies

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Table of Contents

Signs and Symptoms

The Psychology Behind Emotional Monitoring

Impact

Strategies

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We’ve all been there—second-guessing ourselves after a conversation, overanalyzing our partner’smood, or tiptoeing around what we think might upset them. We call it being considerate, but is it? The truth is, it’s probably emotional monitoring. And if you don’t know what that is, we’ve got you!

Emotional monitoring is when we’re constantly analyzing others' emotional states, often without even realizing that we’re doing it, saysAimee Daramus, PsyD, a clinical psychologist at Clarity Clinic, Chicago.

Constantly reading into every little sigh or facial expression, wondering if our partner is upset and what we can do to “fix” it. This behavior can be mentally and emotionally exhausting, saysEmily Mashburn, LMHC, a therapist at ADHDAdvisor. It can be as harmful to us as it is to our relationships.

If you’re ready to break this unhealthy habit but don’t know how, read on. Below, we explore what emotional monitoring looks like, why we do it, the impact it has, and the tools you need to stop it.

Signs and Symptoms of Emotional Monitoring

Emotional monitoring can sneak into your relationship without you even realizing it. It often starts out subtle at first and builds up over time. Some of the telltale signs to look out for include:

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So, why do some people emotionally monitor their partner and friends?

According to Dr. Daramus, emotional monitoring is usually found in people who have beengaslightedor traumatized, which can turn them into people pleasers as a result. “Chances are, they have had bad experiences with other people’s difficult emotions in the past and are trying to protect themselves.”

—AIMEE DARAMUS, PSYD

Mashbrun observes that this pattern often starts in childhood and persists into adulthood.It tends to be more prevalent among people withanxious attachment styleswho tend to fear rejection or abandonment.

Understanding the Impact of Emotional Monitoring

While emotional monitoring is intended to help keep the peace, the irony is that it often does quite the opposite. It can take a toll on you, your partner, and the relationship.

Some of the potential effects of this behavior include:

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Strategies for Breaking the Pattern of Emotional Monitoring

Although it may be challenging, it’s important to break the pattern of emotional monitoring so you can cultivate healthier relationships. Here are some strategies that may be able to help:

Once you get used to prioritizing yourself and having others support your needs, you’re going to love it. It’s definitely worth the effort.—AIMEE DARAMUS, PSYD

Once you get used to prioritizing yourself and having others support your needs, you’re going to love it. It’s definitely worth the effort.

Takeaways

By stepping back and separating your emotions from your partners’, you create space for genuine connection, mutual respect, and healthier communication. It might feel uncomfortable at first, but breaking this habit can strengthen your relationship and allow you to truly be yourself without walking on eggshells.

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2 SourcesVerywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Xia M, Fosco GM, Lippold MA, Feinberg ME.A developmental perspective on young adult romantic relationships: Examining family and individual factors in adolescence.J Youth Adolesc. 2018 Jul;47(7):1499-1516. doi:10.1007/s10964-018-0815-8Brandão T, Matias M, Ferreira T, Vieira J, Schulz MS, Matos PM.Attachment, emotion regulation, and well-being in couples: Intrapersonal and interpersonal associations.J Pers. 2020 Aug;88(4):748-761. doi:10.1111/jopy.12523

2 Sources

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Xia M, Fosco GM, Lippold MA, Feinberg ME.A developmental perspective on young adult romantic relationships: Examining family and individual factors in adolescence.J Youth Adolesc. 2018 Jul;47(7):1499-1516. doi:10.1007/s10964-018-0815-8Brandão T, Matias M, Ferreira T, Vieira J, Schulz MS, Matos PM.Attachment, emotion regulation, and well-being in couples: Intrapersonal and interpersonal associations.J Pers. 2020 Aug;88(4):748-761. doi:10.1111/jopy.12523

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.

Xia M, Fosco GM, Lippold MA, Feinberg ME.A developmental perspective on young adult romantic relationships: Examining family and individual factors in adolescence.J Youth Adolesc. 2018 Jul;47(7):1499-1516. doi:10.1007/s10964-018-0815-8Brandão T, Matias M, Ferreira T, Vieira J, Schulz MS, Matos PM.Attachment, emotion regulation, and well-being in couples: Intrapersonal and interpersonal associations.J Pers. 2020 Aug;88(4):748-761. doi:10.1111/jopy.12523

Xia M, Fosco GM, Lippold MA, Feinberg ME.A developmental perspective on young adult romantic relationships: Examining family and individual factors in adolescence.J Youth Adolesc. 2018 Jul;47(7):1499-1516. doi:10.1007/s10964-018-0815-8

Brandão T, Matias M, Ferreira T, Vieira J, Schulz MS, Matos PM.Attachment, emotion regulation, and well-being in couples: Intrapersonal and interpersonal associations.J Pers. 2020 Aug;88(4):748-761. doi:10.1111/jopy.12523

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