Arguing with a narcissist can be challenging, as they often employ manipulative tactics to maintain control and deflect responsibility.
Not only are narcissists highly sensitive and quick to anger, but they are also self-centered individuals who enjoy attention and stimulating a reaction out of others, even a negative one.
During an argument, they can be very aggressive. They might shout, insult, or use threatening language. They might distort the truth, dismissing everything you say and twisting things to suit their point of view. Other times, they might avoid talking entirely, giving you the cold shoulder and walking away mid-argument.
In any case, they will disregard your feelings in an attempt to undermine your self-esteem and maintain dominance in the argument. But, what specifically makes it so difficult to argue with narcissistic people?
Things Narcissists Say in an Argument With Examples
The following are manipulative and abusive tactics a covert or overt narcissist might use during an argument.
Devalue and Humiliate
Narcissists devalue others as a way to boost their own self-esteem and maintain a sense of superiority. They might use extreme language, point out your weaknesses and vulnerabilities, or laugh at you when share how you feel.
This behavior can be emotionally damaging. For example:
Gaslighting
Gaslightingis a manipulative tactic used to make someone question their own perception of reality, memory, or sanity in order to undermine them.
The goal of gaslighting is to make someone question their own perceptions, memories, or judgments, usually through persistent denial, misdirection, contradiction, or lying.
Here are examples of things a narcissistic person might say when using gaslighting:
Triangulation
It involves using a third party to convey information, spread rumors, or create rivalries to manipulate a relationship or situation to their advantage.
Here are examples of things a narcissistic person might say when employing triangulation:
Blame-Shifting
Narcissists often accuse others of the very behaviors they exhibit. They will not take responsibility, but rather willshift the blame onto you. For example:
If you are letting someone know how you feel, it does not mean you started an argument – however, a narcissistic person may want to blame you to avoid taking responsibility themselves.
They might also say these things to confuse you and create self-doubt in your mind.
Projection
Projectionis a psychological defense mechanism that narcissistic individuals might use to attribute their own thoughts, feelings, or characteristics to someone else.
It involves projecting one’s own undesirable or unacceptable qualities onto another person to avoid taking responsibility for one’s actions. For example:
Playing the Victim
Narcissists often play the victim card to elicit sympathy and turn the focus away from their own behavior. For example:
How Do You Argue With a Narcissist?
Under normal circumstances, people aim to find a solution to whatever may have caused the argument. But when you arearguing with a narcissist, it is a war of willpower – who has the most stamina to win this argument?
Engaging in arguments with narcissists can be challenging as it is almost guaranteed that a highly narcissistic person will not back down until they feel they have won or had the last word.
However, if you find yourself in a situation where you need to address an issue with a narcissist, here are some strategies to consider:
Remember Their Strategy
Narcissists want to maintain their grandiose and superior sense of self to feel in control and “win.” They are not interested in making you feel better or finding a solution – they want to place all the blame on you to deflect attention away from their own shortcomings and assert their dominance.
When you keep this in mind, their words and behavior will lose their intensity. You will realize that you no longer have to take them seriously. Their behavior is not about you; it’s about them and their fragile ego.
Keep Your Expectations Low
Considering a narcissist’s personality, you should not expect them to apologize or see things from your point of view. Trying to convince them of your narrative or how much their actions have hurt you is a waste of time.
They can never accept responsibility because they believe they are perfect and entitled to behave the way they do.
Recognize that not all arguments with a narcissist are worth pursuing. Sometimes, it may be more beneficial to disengage and focus on setting boundaries or seeking support from others.
Use Non-Confrontational Language
This is true for arguing with any person, regardless of whether they are narcissistic or not. No one likes to be reproached or pointed at with an accusing finger – especially not narcissists. Non-confrontational language includes:
Remain Unemotional
Bring them back to the point gently and keep your sentences short and direct (e.g. “yes/no” and “okay.”) Let them speak and rant while staying silent – this will make them feel uncomfortable and prevent them from manipulating your emotions.
Focus on Your Well-Being
Engaging in arguments with a narcissist can be emotionally draining and damaging to our well-being. When we constantly get angry and upset, our body releases excess stress hormone, which can be detrimental to our mental and physical health.
It is important to focus on your well-being, safety, and health. Stick to your boundaries and set strict limits. Reinforce these boundaries during the argument and assertively address any attempts to disrespect or manipulate you.
When narcissists are angry, it might be best to de-escalate the situation and leave. De-escalation does not mean you are condoning bad behavior, but rather you are allowing them to come back down from their rage.
Why Is Arguing With a Narcissist So Difficult?
Narcissists also have an inflated sense of self-importance and believe they are superior to others, which means they do not respond well to criticism or “disobedience.”
This alone would be enough to make arguments with narcissistic individuals difficult and distressing.
But, there are other reasons why arguing with a narcissist can be challenging. These include their other-oriented perfectionism and their lack of “whole object relations.”
Other-Oriented and “Narcissistic” Perfectionism
Other-oriented perfectionism is a subtype of perfectionism that involves setting high standards and expecting perfection from others. People with high levels of other-oriented perfectionism tend to be narcissistic.
It isa “defining component of narcissistic perfectionism, a higher-order form of perfectionism, narcissistic grandiosity, and narcissistic entitlement.”
Individuals with other-oriented perfectionism may have limited empathy or understanding toward others’ limitations, struggles, or differences. Thus, they are less motivated to help and support others and are less interested in making other people happy.
They have little interest in forming intimate connections, getting along with others, or understanding others’ point of views. Additionally, their narcissistic tendencies mean they are admiration-seeking, entitled, exploitative, insensitive, and manipulative.
This character trait partly explains why it is so difficult to argue with a narcissistic person – they expect others to be perfect and hold them to impossible standards. But inevitably, others will not always meet these standards and cannot give them the level of attention and admiration they feel they deserve.
Not having their needs met leads the narcissist to become overly critical and hostile. Because they believe they are better and more deserving than others, they feel entitled to be degrading towards the other person.
They can become manipulative, aggressive, and callous because they are only interested in being the “winner” and maintaining their grandiose self-esteem.
Whole Object Relations
Whole objects relations is a psychoanalytical term that refers to an individual’s ability to see others as whole individuals with their own separate identity, thoughts, and emotions. This includes being able to acknowledge and understand that everyone has good and bad qualities.
Without this ability, a person can only see others (and themselves) as all good or all bad. People with high levels of narcissism tend to lack whole object relations, so they deem other people as either perfect or worthless.
If a narcissist sees you as “perfect,” they will engage inlove bombing. Although this might seem positive, it is actually a form of manipulation because this is a standard that no one can maintain; Sooner or later, they will notice something they do not like about you.
When this happens, or you challenge or threaten their grandiose and superior self-image (termed “narcissistic injury”), you become an enemy, and they can no longer see your positives.
Because of their antagonistic and superior nature, they feel entitled to be abusive and may even want to “destroy” the person who caused the narcissistic injury. It is a toxic cocktail that makes arguing with a narcissistic person unsafe and troubling.
The Narcissist’s Strategy
In short, a narcissist’s strategy during an argument is to maintain their grandiose sense of self and to feel in control and superior to their “enemy.”
Their grandiosity is like a fortress they have built around themselves that protects them from abuse and negative feedback.
Unfortunately, maintaining this fortress comes at a cost to other people because they defend it aggressively.
When you engage in an argument with a narcissist, you are, in some way, giving them negative feedback. For example, you might be telling them that they do not call you often enough, do not listen properly, or said something unkind to you.
This cannot be integrated into their sense of self because they lack whole object relations (see above); thus, acknowledging a flaw would mean they are worthless. For that reason, they cannot take responsibility or admit they did something wrong, so instead, they turn the tables on you.
If you let them know they are not perfect in some way, they experience this as anarcissistic injury.
The person who caused the injury is now an enemy in their eyes and “deserves” to be punished. Their strategy becomes to utterly defeat the other person and demonstrate the power they have.
In other words, a narcissistic person wants to “win” every argument and discussion. They are not listening to your words; they just want to ensure they come out on top.
When you have a strong emotional reaction and end up apologizing (even when you have not done anything wrong), they feel they are winning. It makes them feel powerful when they have control over you and your feelings.
Arguing With a Covert Narcissist
Arguing with acovert narcissistis just as difficult as arguing with any other type of narcissist. They share the same grandiose and antagonistic (aggressive, hostile, manipulative, callous) core, but they present as shy and introverted rather than imposing and extraverted.
When you have a conflict with them, they will also shift the blame,gaslight, play the victim, and disregard your feelings.
However, when their buttons have been pushed (i.e. when they experience a narcissistic injury), their true colors start to show. Similar to the other types of narcissists, they may explode intorageand yell, hit, or throw things, or stonewall you and act like you are entirely insignificant.
Covert narcissists, unlike overt ones, will often use self-deprecation as a means to play the victim.
They might say things like, “I’m such a horrible person, you deserve better” or “You’d be so much happier without me.” These kinds of statements are meant to make you feel guilty or compel you to defend yourself and your love for them – playing straight into the narcissist’s hands.
Covert narcissists are more difficult to identify because they do not fit the stereotypical description of a narcissist. However, their behavior during arguments is classically narcissistic: they are hypersensitive, entitled, aggressive, hostile, and cannot take responsibility for their actions and words.
Their behavior can be distressing, frustrating, and even traumatizing.
Dealing with any type of narcissist in an argument can be challenging. It’s essential to prioritize your well-being, set boundaries, and consider seeking professional help or support if the situation becomes emotionally or psychologically distressing.
Sources
Stoeber, J. (2014). How Other-Oriented Perfectionism Differs from Self-Oriented and Socially Prescribed Perfectionism.Journal of Psychopathology and Behavioral Assessment, 36, 329-338.
Saul McLeod, PhD
BSc (Hons) Psychology, MRes, PhD, University of Manchester
Saul McLeod, PhD., is a qualified psychology teacher with over 18 years of experience in further and higher education. He has been published in peer-reviewed journals, including the Journal of Clinical Psychology.
Julia Simkus
BA (Hons) Psychology, Princeton University
Julia Simkus is a graduate of Princeton University with a Bachelor of Arts in Psychology. She is currently studying for a Master’s Degree in Counseling for Mental Health and Wellness in September 2023. Julia’s research has been published in peer reviewed journals.
Anna DrescherMental Health WriterBSc (Hons), Psychology, Goldsmiths University, MSc in Psychotherapy, University of QueenslandAnna Drescher is a freelance writer and solution-focused hypnotherapist, specializing in CBT and meditation. Using insights from her experience working as an NHS Assistant Clinical Psychologist and Recovery Officer, along with her Master’s degree in Psychotherapy, she lends deep empathy and profound understanding to her mental health and relationships writing.
Anna DrescherMental Health WriterBSc (Hons), Psychology, Goldsmiths University, MSc in Psychotherapy, University of Queensland
Anna Drescher
Mental Health Writer
BSc (Hons), Psychology, Goldsmiths University, MSc in Psychotherapy, University of Queensland
Anna Drescher is a freelance writer and solution-focused hypnotherapist, specializing in CBT and meditation. Using insights from her experience working as an NHS Assistant Clinical Psychologist and Recovery Officer, along with her Master’s degree in Psychotherapy, she lends deep empathy and profound understanding to her mental health and relationships writing.
