The Psychology of Shame

Table of ContentsView AllTable of ContentsWhat It MeansSymptomsBehaviorsTypesCausesImpactShame vs. GuiltCopingOvercoming Shame

Table of ContentsView All

View All

Table of Contents

What It Means

Symptoms

Behaviors

Types

Causes

Impact

Shame vs. Guilt

Coping

Overcoming Shame

Close

What Does It Mean to Have Shame?

Shame is a feeling of embarrassment or humiliation that arises from the perception of having done something dishonorable, immoral, or improper.

People who experience shame usually try to hide the thing they feel ashamed of. When shame is chronic, it can involve the feeling that you are fundamentally flawed. Shame can often be hard to identify in oneself.

While shame is anegative emotion, its origins play a part in our survival as a species. Without shame, we might not feel the need to adhere to cultural norms, follow laws, or behave in a way that allows us to exist as social beings.

Since we want to be accepted, shame is an evolutionary tool that keeps us all in check.

When Does Shame Become Harmful?

Shame can be problematic when it becomes internalized and results in an overly harsh evaluation of oneself as a whole person. This inner critic might tell you thatyou are a bad person, worthless, or have no value. The truth is, how deeply you feel ashamed often has little to do with your worth or what you have done wrong.

Other common concepts that overlap with shame includeembarrassment, humiliation, andguilt. However, these different terms have nuances in meaning that are important to know to better understand shame.

What Are the Symptoms of Shame?

Are you wondering whether you might be experiencing shame? Below is a list of self-defeating shame reactions according to psychiatrist Peter Breggin in his bookGuilt, Shame, and Anxiety.

The behaviors below are examples of things that people do when they feel shame:

Four Categories of Shame Behavior

The Hot Response

These are things you do when you feel ashamed and defensive, such as lashing out in anger or attacking the other person to deflect attention from yourself. The hot response is usually animpulsive reaction.

Behaviors to Cope With or Conceal Shame

These behaviors include doing things to make yourself feel small, trying to avoid being the center of attention, or not sharing your thoughts or feelings. Concealing yourself is a method of self-protection.

Safety Behaviors to Avoid Shame or Being Discovered

This category of shame behaviors might be things like apologizing, crying, or avoiding conflict. People who have a tendency toward being emotional oravoiding conflictmay be more likely to engage in safety behaviors.

Behaviors to Repair Shame

These might include things like doing things to soothe yourself or apologizing to others. For example, if you forgot an important anniversary, you might tell yourself that you had a lot on your mind or engage in gestures to show that you are sorry.

Types of Shame

In addition to the four broad categories of shame that have been identified, there are also many different types of shame. Below are some to consider.

Transient Shame

Chronic Shame

Chronic shame is with you all the time and makes you feel as thoughyou are not good enough. This type of shame can impair your functioning and mental health.

Humiliation

Humiliation is one of the most intense forms of shame and comes about when we are critically embarrassed about something. Often, this is felt when something happens in front of other people.

Defeat

We might feel shame whenexperiencing failureor defeat. If you lose a sporting match that you were expecting to win, for example, you may feel shame in the loss. Or you might feel shame when you didn’t get a promotion at work.

Shame Around Strangers

In Front of Others

Shame in front of others refers to the type of shame that is experienced when one feels embarrassed in front of other people. This form of shame is linked to the feeling of humiliation.

Performance Shame

Feeling self-conscious about one’s performance is another type of shame. This tends to show up whenpublic speaking, as well as during musical and athletic performances. Some argue that performance shame serves as a transformational force, impacting both the “performer” and others at the event.

Shame About the Self

Feeling as though you are aninferior personcan lead to shame about the self. This is a chronic type of shame with long-lasting effects.

Unrequited Love

Shame that results fromunrequited loveis another type of shame. This is a feeling of not being good enough for another person.

Unwanted Exposure

Public humiliation involves unwanted exposure and makes up another type of shame. An example would be making a mistake in public and having someone point it out.

Disappointment or Failure

If your expectations are not met or you fail at something, you may experience shame related to failure or disappointment. This is closely linked to shame about defeat.

Exclusion

Exclusion and shame often co-occur in people with obesity due tosocial stigmaand weight bias.

Internalized Shame

Internalized shame refers to shame that has been turned inward. For example, those who experiencechildhood abusemay experience a feeling of being unworthy or feel shame related to their abuse.

Toxic Shame

Toxic shame is similar to internalized shame in that it involves the notion that there is something inherently wrong with you on the inside. Toxic shame is part of your core identity rather than a transient state. People who experience toxic shame may try to present a perfect outer self to hide how they feel on the inside.

Healthy Shame

Finally, healthy shame can also exist. Shame can be healthy when it causes you to have humility, allows you to laugh at yourself, makes you humble, or teaches you aboutboundaries. Without at least a little bit of shame, people would have trouble measuring the effects of their behaviors on other people.

Causes of Shame

Are you wondering about what causes shame? There are a variety of potential causes of the different types of shame, some that are transient and others that might have originated in childhood. In addition, sometimes mental health concerns can create shame in and of themselves.

Let’s take a look at some of the potential causes of shame:

It’s important to note that infants experience shame naturally without ever learning this feeling.In this way, the shame response is normal and natural. However, when it becomes extreme, it becomes a problem.

Impact of Shame

If you’ve experienced shame, you probably know that it can have a negative impact on your life. Below are some of the potential negative impacts you might experience because of shame:

As you can see, most of the impacts of shame lead to behaviors that create a vicious cycle. You feel shame, which causes you to engage in behaviors that can lead to more feelings of shame. These behaviors can also be detrimental in and of themselves, creating potential physical or mental health problems on their own.

Shame and Mental Health

Research has repeatedly made a connection between “proneness to shame” and psychological issues.Mental health conditions associated with shame include:

Before we discuss how to start feeling less shame, it’s important to consider the difference between shame and guilt. While shame is often confused with guilt, they are actually two separate things.

While guilt is about wrong actions, shame is about being wrong as a person.

In academic psychology, shame is associated with avoiding failure and its consequences while guilt is connected with forgiving and improving one’s self, along with making amends.Learning to separate your guilt from your shame is one of the first steps to feeling less shame in general.

Coping With Shame

Are you wondering how to feel less shame? There are three main steps to healing your shame. The first is exploring your shame instead of avoiding it. The second is embracing your shame, and the third is achieving acceptance. Below we examine each of these steps.

Explore Your Shame

The first step in moving on from your shame is to understand what it is all about. This is important because it will be impossible for you to heal from your shame if you haven’t identified it for what it is.

One way to recognize your shame is to start paying attention to your emotions in different situations. When are your feelings of shame triggered? And when you feel shame, how do you react or how do you feel differently?

If you aren’t sure, trywriting in a journalabout your feelings of shame. In particular, you could write about events from your past in which you felt shame or that influence you today in your feelings of shame. Write down any feelings or thoughts you have and how you reacted to that past situation.

Next, spend some time examining how past shame still influences you today in terms of current shame. What did past situations teach you about yourself? Bringing your shame into the light is a way to escape from having it cast a shadow on your current self.

Embrace Your Shame

Now that you have identified and acknowledged your shame, it’s time to work on embracing your shame. While this might feel counterintuitive, in order to heal from your feelings of shame, it is necessary to bring those feelings out from your internal world and into the light of day.

It’s natural to want to put up defenses and barriers when doing this work. Therefore, it’s important to show yourself love and acceptance and to surround yourself with people who will show you the same. You need asafe placeto belong and a group that will shower you with unconditional love.

If you don’t already have that in your life, seek it out from friends, family, or even a support group. When doing this:

If you feel uncomfortable doing these things on your own, consider speaking to a psychotherapist.

Psychotherapy Types and Techniques

Aim for Acceptance

As you go through this process, it’s important to reexamine your beliefs and attitudes about yourself. This is the time to start rejecting the old beliefs that there is something inherently wrong with you. Instead, accept your new reality that you are acceptable and lovable just as you are.

You will also be accepting the fact that you may make mistakes and that is okay. During this time, you may want to find a mentor or accountability partner who can help you set priorities andmake decisions.

Although your own healing process is highly personal, going on the journey with another person who understands could be highly beneficial.

Overcoming Shame in the Long-Term

Shame is a complex human emotion that can have multiple causes or triggers and that requires attention and acceptance in order to overcome.

Depending on your type of shame, you may find it easier to speak to a professional about your feelings rather than trying to overcome shame on your own. In addition, if you have other mental health concerns,a mental health professionalcan help you with those at the same time.

Shame is not about who you are as a person (e.g., whether you are good or bad). Shame is an internalized experience about yourself, some aspect of your character, or how someone has treated you (and, in turn, how it made you feel about yourself).

Shame does not need to continue to be what determines how you view yourself. In fact, you can choose to identify and embrace your shame, then move on from it. For example, if you were abandoned as a child, you may feel shame that your parent did not want to stay. In that case, it is better for you to identify that shame and let it go than to hold on to it.

By the same token, if you feel shame about some particular aspect of your character or something that others have judged you for, you probably need a good dose ofhealthy self love. You don’t need to change yourself or your character to be a worthwhile person. Once you accept yourself, you will feel less shame and be able to move forward.

11 SourcesVerywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Cibich M, Woodyatt L, Wenzel M.Moving beyond “shame is bad”: How a functional emotioncanbecome problematic.Soc Personal Psychol Compass. 2016;10(9):471-483. doi:10.1111/spc3.12263Breggin P.Guilt, Shame, and Anxiety: Understanding and Overcoming Negative Emotions.Gilbert P, Andrews B.Shame: Interpersonal behavior, psychopathology, and culture.LeBlanc VR.The relationship between emotions and learning in simulation-based education.Simulation in Healthcare. 2019;14(3):137-139. doi:10.1097/SIH.0000000000000379Wang H, Zhao Q, Mu W, Rodriguez M, Qian M, Berger T.The effect of shame on patients with social anxiety disorder in internet-based cognitive behavioral therapy: Randomized controlled trial.JMIR Mental Health. 2020;7(7):e15797. doi:10.2196/15797Dempster E.The economy of shame or why dance cannot fail.Choreography and Corporeality. 2016. doi:10.1057/978-1-137-54653-1_10Westermann S, Rief W, Euteneuer F, Kohlman S.Social exclusion and shame in obesity.Eat Behav. 2015;17:74-6. doi:10.1016/j.eatbeh.2015.01.001Bolton J.What We Get Wrong About Shame.Schibalski JV, Müller, M, Ajdacic-Gross V, et al.Stigma-related stress, shame and avoidant coping reactions among members of the general population with elevated symptom levels.Comprehen Psychiatry. 2017;74:224-230. doi:10.1016.j.comppsych.2017.02.001American Psychological Association.Shame.Leach CW.Understanding shame and guilt.Handbook of the Psychology of Self-Forgiveness. 2017:17-28. doi:10.1007/978-3-319-60573-9_2

11 Sources

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Cibich M, Woodyatt L, Wenzel M.Moving beyond “shame is bad”: How a functional emotioncanbecome problematic.Soc Personal Psychol Compass. 2016;10(9):471-483. doi:10.1111/spc3.12263Breggin P.Guilt, Shame, and Anxiety: Understanding and Overcoming Negative Emotions.Gilbert P, Andrews B.Shame: Interpersonal behavior, psychopathology, and culture.LeBlanc VR.The relationship between emotions and learning in simulation-based education.Simulation in Healthcare. 2019;14(3):137-139. doi:10.1097/SIH.0000000000000379Wang H, Zhao Q, Mu W, Rodriguez M, Qian M, Berger T.The effect of shame on patients with social anxiety disorder in internet-based cognitive behavioral therapy: Randomized controlled trial.JMIR Mental Health. 2020;7(7):e15797. doi:10.2196/15797Dempster E.The economy of shame or why dance cannot fail.Choreography and Corporeality. 2016. doi:10.1057/978-1-137-54653-1_10Westermann S, Rief W, Euteneuer F, Kohlman S.Social exclusion and shame in obesity.Eat Behav. 2015;17:74-6. doi:10.1016/j.eatbeh.2015.01.001Bolton J.What We Get Wrong About Shame.Schibalski JV, Müller, M, Ajdacic-Gross V, et al.Stigma-related stress, shame and avoidant coping reactions among members of the general population with elevated symptom levels.Comprehen Psychiatry. 2017;74:224-230. doi:10.1016.j.comppsych.2017.02.001American Psychological Association.Shame.Leach CW.Understanding shame and guilt.Handbook of the Psychology of Self-Forgiveness. 2017:17-28. doi:10.1007/978-3-319-60573-9_2

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.

Cibich M, Woodyatt L, Wenzel M.Moving beyond “shame is bad”: How a functional emotioncanbecome problematic.Soc Personal Psychol Compass. 2016;10(9):471-483. doi:10.1111/spc3.12263Breggin P.Guilt, Shame, and Anxiety: Understanding and Overcoming Negative Emotions.Gilbert P, Andrews B.Shame: Interpersonal behavior, psychopathology, and culture.LeBlanc VR.The relationship between emotions and learning in simulation-based education.Simulation in Healthcare. 2019;14(3):137-139. doi:10.1097/SIH.0000000000000379Wang H, Zhao Q, Mu W, Rodriguez M, Qian M, Berger T.The effect of shame on patients with social anxiety disorder in internet-based cognitive behavioral therapy: Randomized controlled trial.JMIR Mental Health. 2020;7(7):e15797. doi:10.2196/15797Dempster E.The economy of shame or why dance cannot fail.Choreography and Corporeality. 2016. doi:10.1057/978-1-137-54653-1_10Westermann S, Rief W, Euteneuer F, Kohlman S.Social exclusion and shame in obesity.Eat Behav. 2015;17:74-6. doi:10.1016/j.eatbeh.2015.01.001Bolton J.What We Get Wrong About Shame.Schibalski JV, Müller, M, Ajdacic-Gross V, et al.Stigma-related stress, shame and avoidant coping reactions among members of the general population with elevated symptom levels.Comprehen Psychiatry. 2017;74:224-230. doi:10.1016.j.comppsych.2017.02.001American Psychological Association.Shame.Leach CW.Understanding shame and guilt.Handbook of the Psychology of Self-Forgiveness. 2017:17-28. doi:10.1007/978-3-319-60573-9_2

Cibich M, Woodyatt L, Wenzel M.Moving beyond “shame is bad”: How a functional emotioncanbecome problematic.Soc Personal Psychol Compass. 2016;10(9):471-483. doi:10.1111/spc3.12263

Breggin P.Guilt, Shame, and Anxiety: Understanding and Overcoming Negative Emotions.

Gilbert P, Andrews B.Shame: Interpersonal behavior, psychopathology, and culture.

LeBlanc VR.The relationship between emotions and learning in simulation-based education.Simulation in Healthcare. 2019;14(3):137-139. doi:10.1097/SIH.0000000000000379

Wang H, Zhao Q, Mu W, Rodriguez M, Qian M, Berger T.The effect of shame on patients with social anxiety disorder in internet-based cognitive behavioral therapy: Randomized controlled trial.JMIR Mental Health. 2020;7(7):e15797. doi:10.2196/15797

Dempster E.The economy of shame or why dance cannot fail.Choreography and Corporeality. 2016. doi:10.1057/978-1-137-54653-1_10

Westermann S, Rief W, Euteneuer F, Kohlman S.Social exclusion and shame in obesity.Eat Behav. 2015;17:74-6. doi:10.1016/j.eatbeh.2015.01.001

Bolton J.What We Get Wrong About Shame.

Schibalski JV, Müller, M, Ajdacic-Gross V, et al.Stigma-related stress, shame and avoidant coping reactions among members of the general population with elevated symptom levels.Comprehen Psychiatry. 2017;74:224-230. doi:10.1016.j.comppsych.2017.02.001

American Psychological Association.Shame.

Leach CW.Understanding shame and guilt.Handbook of the Psychology of Self-Forgiveness. 2017:17-28. doi:10.1007/978-3-319-60573-9_2

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