"The Penny Method" Is the Latest Toxic Dating Trend—Here's What to Know

Table of ContentsView AllTable of ContentsWhat Is the Penny Method?Signs of the “Penny Method” in DatingWhy Do People Use the Penny Method?How the Penny Method Affects RelationshipsDo This Instead: Date With Dignity and Transparency

Table of ContentsView All

View All

Table of Contents

What Is the Penny Method?

Signs of the “Penny Method” in Dating

Why Do People Use the Penny Method?

How the Penny Method Affects Relationships

Do This Instead: Date With Dignity and Transparency

It’s no secret thatdating in the digital ageisn’t exactly delightful. We live in a world where options are seemingly plentiful, the grass is always greener the next swipe over, and dating manners have all but fallen to the wayside.

Romantic hopefulsmust remain vigilant to ensure the other has theirbest interests in mind, and that they don’t fall prey to tactics likebreadcrumbing,cuffing,benching, and ”the penny method.” If you’re not up to speed on the latter, we’re covering everything you need to know ahead.

Also known as “penny dating” or the “piggy bank method,” the penny method is an approach to dating where one partner slowly cuts back on time and affection with the other. The idea is that the person may invest a lot of their energy into wooing you at the beginning, but then begins depositing smaller and smaller amounts of their time, effort, and affection in an attempt to sustain the relationship with the bare minimum effort.

This might look like reaching out less, not taking initiative with plans, or withholding physical intimacy or emotional connection.

“These actions gradually reduce over time, but then can increase again if the person starts to lose interest because of lack of effort,” explainsSam Morris, a certified dating and relationship coach. “The theory evolves eventually to a point where they spend little to no effort but, because over time the manipulation has decreased [the other] person’s confidence and strength, they will take what they can get and not end the relationship.”

The penny method is sort of a mashup oflove bombing—where tons of attention is delivered up front and then drops off—and breadcrumbing, where the other person is led on withjust enoughto keep them stringing along.

Could The Three-Month Dating Rule Help You Find Lasting Love?

Be aware of these potential signs of the penny method in dating.

A Relationship Coach Unpacks 5 of the Biggest Dating Misconceptions

Some people use the penny method because they enjoy the thrill of the dating chase but ultimately end up bored when the other person does show some interest. Others may use this technique to keep a hoard of potential mates at their fingertips—a convenient strategy to ensure they’ve always got someone ready to go on the back burner.

The person using this method might do it because they’re scared of getting hurt or rejected, so they test their partner to see how much they’ll do to keep the relationship going.—SETH EISENBERG, RELATIONSHIP EXPERT

The person using this method might do it because they’re scared of getting hurt or rejected, so they test their partner to see how much they’ll do to keep the relationship going.

—SETH EISENBERG, RELATIONSHIP EXPERT

The penny method isincredibly toxic. Nobody deserves to be on the receiving end of this behavior, and it can have grave repercussions not just for the relationship but for the other person’s sense of worth.

“The ‘penny method’ can create significant confusion for the victim,” saysSandra Kushnir, LMFT, founder and CEO of Meridian Counseling. “When someone engages in this behavior—wooing their partner with affection and attention initially and then maintaining their interest with sporadic ‘pennies’ of positive behavior—it becomes challenging for the victim to get a clear and consistent understanding of who the perpetrator truly is.”

She says this back-and-forth inconsistency can cause the person to second-guess their perception and judgments, create an underlying sense of unease and insecurity, and feel confused about how they should move forward in the relationship.

When someone engages in this behavior it becomes challenging for the victim to get a clear and consistent understanding of who the perpetrator truly is.—SANDRA KUSHNIR, LMFT

When someone engages in this behavior it becomes challenging for the victim to get a clear and consistent understanding of who the perpetrator truly is.

—SANDRA KUSHNIR, LMFT

Research confirms this, noting that it can increase feelings of stress, impact personal growth after the relationship ends, and worsen the pain of the ending relationship.It’s also a giant waste of time as it prevents the other person from pursuing an honest, consistent, andmeaningful relationshipthat’s far more fulfilling.

“This dynamic can be particularly insidious because it plays on the natural human tendency to seek resolution and clarity,” Kushnir explains. “The victim often feels compelled to stay in the relationship, hoping to see more of the positive behavior and to confirm that their partner is indeed the caring person they occasionally show themselves to be.”

Ultimately, this leads to a dangerous cycle ofrationalizingor excusing the other person’s harmful actions as the victim clings to the belief that the good outweighs the bad.

Benching in Dating: What to Do When You’ve Been Sidelined

Using the penny method isn’t just bad for the person on the receiving end—it’s no good for the person playing games. “The person doing the pulling away might feel like they’re in control, but they’re also making it harder to build a real, trusting connection,” warns Eisenberg.

At the end of the day, a healthy relationship is built on trust, respect, and open communication—not on testing each other or playing games. Instead of using the penny method, he says it’s better to talk openly and work together to keep the relationship strong.

If you find yourself in this penny method cycle either on the receiving or giving end, it’s time to do a bit of soul-searching:

These questions are life-long pursuits, but if you move with intention and dignity you’re heading in the right direction.

What Happens in Your Brain When You Fall in Love?

3 SourcesVerywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Strutzenberg CC, Wiersma-Mosley JD, Jozkowski KN, Becnel JN.Love-bombing: A Narcissistic Approach to Relationship Formation.Discovery, The Student Journal of Dale Bumpers College of Agricultural, Food and Life Sciences.2017;18(1), 81-89.Simpson, J. A., & Steven Rholes, W. (2017).Adult attachment, stress, and romantic relationships.Current Opinion in Psychology,13, 19–24. doi:10.1016/j.copsyc.2016.04.006Rodríguez-García MC, Márquez-Hernández VV, Granados-Gámez G, Aguilera-Manrique G, Martínez-Puertas H, Gutiérrez-Puertas L.Development and validation of breadcrumbing in affective-sexual relationships: introducing a new online dating perpetration.Int J Environ Res Public Health. 2020;17(24):9548. doi:10.3390/ijerph17249548

3 Sources

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Strutzenberg CC, Wiersma-Mosley JD, Jozkowski KN, Becnel JN.Love-bombing: A Narcissistic Approach to Relationship Formation.Discovery, The Student Journal of Dale Bumpers College of Agricultural, Food and Life Sciences.2017;18(1), 81-89.Simpson, J. A., & Steven Rholes, W. (2017).Adult attachment, stress, and romantic relationships.Current Opinion in Psychology,13, 19–24. doi:10.1016/j.copsyc.2016.04.006Rodríguez-García MC, Márquez-Hernández VV, Granados-Gámez G, Aguilera-Manrique G, Martínez-Puertas H, Gutiérrez-Puertas L.Development and validation of breadcrumbing in affective-sexual relationships: introducing a new online dating perpetration.Int J Environ Res Public Health. 2020;17(24):9548. doi:10.3390/ijerph17249548

Strutzenberg CC, Wiersma-Mosley JD, Jozkowski KN, Becnel JN.Love-bombing: A Narcissistic Approach to Relationship Formation.Discovery, The Student Journal of Dale Bumpers College of Agricultural, Food and Life Sciences.2017;18(1), 81-89.Simpson, J. A., & Steven Rholes, W. (2017).Adult attachment, stress, and romantic relationships.Current Opinion in Psychology,13, 19–24. doi:10.1016/j.copsyc.2016.04.006Rodríguez-García MC, Márquez-Hernández VV, Granados-Gámez G, Aguilera-Manrique G, Martínez-Puertas H, Gutiérrez-Puertas L.Development and validation of breadcrumbing in affective-sexual relationships: introducing a new online dating perpetration.Int J Environ Res Public Health. 2020;17(24):9548. doi:10.3390/ijerph17249548

Simpson, J. A., & Steven Rholes, W. (2017).Adult attachment, stress, and romantic relationships.Current Opinion in Psychology,13, 19–24. doi:10.1016/j.copsyc.2016.04.006

Rodríguez-García MC, Márquez-Hernández VV, Granados-Gámez G, Aguilera-Manrique G, Martínez-Puertas H, Gutiérrez-Puertas L.Development and validation of breadcrumbing in affective-sexual relationships: introducing a new online dating perpetration.Int J Environ Res Public Health. 2020;17(24):9548. doi:10.3390/ijerph17249548

Meet Our Review Board

Share Feedback

Was this page helpful?Thanks for your feedback!What is your feedback?HelpfulReport an ErrorOtherSubmit

Was this page helpful?

Thanks for your feedback!

What is your feedback?HelpfulReport an ErrorOtherSubmit

What is your feedback?