The Many Benefits of Forgiveness, and How to Do It

Table of ContentsView AllTable of ContentsThe Challenge of ForgivenessThe Importance of ForgivenessHow to Forgive

Table of ContentsView All

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Table of Contents

The Challenge of Forgiveness

The Importance of Forgiveness

How to Forgive

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Betrayal, aggression, and just plain insensitivity: people can hurt us in a million ways, andforgivenessisn’t always easy.

That being said, there are so many benefits inherent in learning how to forgive—even more benefits for the person doing the forgiving than the person receiving the forgiveness. You don’t have to forget what they said, despite the old adage, but letting go of anger and resentment toward someone can do wonders for your mental health.

Forgiveness can be a challenge for several reasons. Sometimes forgiveness can be confused with condoning what someone has done to us: “That’s OK. Why not do it again?” Even for people who understand the distinction between accepting someone’s bad behavior as “okay” and accepting that it happened, forgiveness can be difficult because these two are easily confused.

Forgiveness can also be difficult when the person who wronged us doesn’t seem to deserve our forgiveness. It can feel like you are letting them “off the hook.” While this feeling is completely understandable, it’s vital to remember that forgiveness allows us to let go of a connection we have to those who have wronged us and move forward—with or without them.

Sometimes, it’s hard to remember that forgiveness benefits the forgiver more than the one who is forgiven.

Ultimately, forgiveness is especially challenging because it’s hard to let go of what happened. Forgiving someone who has committed unacceptable behavior can be difficult when we are having trouble letting go of anger or hurt surrounding the event itself.

Other research in 2017 showed that ‘state’ forgiveness—an intentional, purpose-driven disposition bent toward forgiveness—produced in those participants who undertook forgiveness perceived senses of mental well-being, which included reductions in negative affect, feeling positive emotions, experiencing positive relations with others, discerning sensibilities of spiritual growth, and identifying a sense of meaning and purpose in life as well as a greater sense of empowerment.

Research reported slightly earlier, in 2015, linked forgiveness with the proverbialforgetting.Emotional, intentional forgiveness influenced subsequent incidental forgetting. Determined, purposeful emotional forgiveness causes forgetting and is an important first step in the forgiveness cascade.

To sum it up, forgiveness is good for your body, your relationships, and your place in the world. That’s reason enough to convince virtually anyone to do thework of letting goof anger and working on forgiveness.

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Forgiveness may not always be easy, but it can be easier with a few exercises and the right mindset. First, keep in mind that forgiveness is something you do foryourselfto sever your emotional attachment to what happened. (Think of taking your hand away from a hot burner on the stove—it remains hot, but you move away from it for your own safety.)

Let Yourself Be Angry, and Grieve

The first step in learning to forgive isn’t really about the act of forgiving at all, it’s kind of the opposite. Before you can get to a point where you’re able to practice forgiveness, you need to properly feel your feelings about the problem.

That means really letting yourself be angry about what happened. This isn’t about making yourself a victim or making the person who hurt you out to be a monster of some kind, it’s just allowing yourself to feel your anger without suppressing it. Allow yourself to grieve if you lost a friend because of the situation, and get the emotions out of your body. This can take time and can involve practices like journaling or talk therapy.

Practice Empathy

When someone hurts you, betrays you, or is downright mean to you it can be hard to put yourself in their shoes.Youwould never do that to someone, you tell yourself, and maybe you wouldn’t. But that doesn’t mean you haven’t been in situations where you behaved badly towards someone else in a way that may have been unintentionally hurtful.

It can help to keep this in mind when debating whether or not to forgive someone—maybe that person generally thinks the same thing about themself. Are they truly a malicious person? Or did they just mess up and have a major lapse in judgment? Sometimes trying to reframe someone’s behavior in this way can get you a little closer to being able to forgive.

Identify The “Why” in Yourself

You might also take the time to contemplate why you’re still holding onto the anger that you’re experiencing. Even if the thing the person did to you has drastically impacted your life, is it serving you to stay angry? Is it helping in your healing process? If you answered no, forgiveness might be a good next step.

Set Boundaries

When learning how to forgive, it’s important to remember that forgiveness doesn’t mean you have to let that person back into your life. If someone isn’t good for your well-being it’s totally ok to cut them out of your life or set strict boundaries on the time you spend with them. Forgiveness is for you, not the person who hurt you.

Also, remind yourself that you are moving forward, and forgiving this person allows them (or at least what they’ve done) to stay in the past as you move on.

3 SourcesVerywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Toussaint LL, Shields GS, Slavich GM.Forgiveness, Stress, and Health: a 5-Week Dynamic Parallel Process Study.Ann Behav Med. 2016;50(5):727–735. doi:10.1007/s12160-016-9796-6Akhtar S, Dolan A, Barlow J.Understanding the Relationship Between State Forgiveness and Psychological Wellbeing: A Qualitative Study.J Relig Health. 2017;56(2):450–463. doi:10.1007/s10943-016-0188-9Lichtenfeld S, Buechner VL, Maier MA, Fernández-Capo M.Forgive and Forget: Differences between Decisional and Emotional Forgiveness.PLoS One. 2015;10(5):e0125561. doi:10.1371/journal.pone.0125561

3 Sources

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Toussaint LL, Shields GS, Slavich GM.Forgiveness, Stress, and Health: a 5-Week Dynamic Parallel Process Study.Ann Behav Med. 2016;50(5):727–735. doi:10.1007/s12160-016-9796-6Akhtar S, Dolan A, Barlow J.Understanding the Relationship Between State Forgiveness and Psychological Wellbeing: A Qualitative Study.J Relig Health. 2017;56(2):450–463. doi:10.1007/s10943-016-0188-9Lichtenfeld S, Buechner VL, Maier MA, Fernández-Capo M.Forgive and Forget: Differences between Decisional and Emotional Forgiveness.PLoS One. 2015;10(5):e0125561. doi:10.1371/journal.pone.0125561

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.

Toussaint LL, Shields GS, Slavich GM.Forgiveness, Stress, and Health: a 5-Week Dynamic Parallel Process Study.Ann Behav Med. 2016;50(5):727–735. doi:10.1007/s12160-016-9796-6Akhtar S, Dolan A, Barlow J.Understanding the Relationship Between State Forgiveness and Psychological Wellbeing: A Qualitative Study.J Relig Health. 2017;56(2):450–463. doi:10.1007/s10943-016-0188-9Lichtenfeld S, Buechner VL, Maier MA, Fernández-Capo M.Forgive and Forget: Differences between Decisional and Emotional Forgiveness.PLoS One. 2015;10(5):e0125561. doi:10.1371/journal.pone.0125561

Toussaint LL, Shields GS, Slavich GM.Forgiveness, Stress, and Health: a 5-Week Dynamic Parallel Process Study.Ann Behav Med. 2016;50(5):727–735. doi:10.1007/s12160-016-9796-6

Akhtar S, Dolan A, Barlow J.Understanding the Relationship Between State Forgiveness and Psychological Wellbeing: A Qualitative Study.J Relig Health. 2017;56(2):450–463. doi:10.1007/s10943-016-0188-9

Lichtenfeld S, Buechner VL, Maier MA, Fernández-Capo M.Forgive and Forget: Differences between Decisional and Emotional Forgiveness.PLoS One. 2015;10(5):e0125561. doi:10.1371/journal.pone.0125561

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