Table of ContentsView AllTable of ContentsThe Psychology of HooveringWhat Hoovering Looks LikeWhy Narcissists Engage in HooveringStrategies to Resist HooveringHelp and Support

Table of ContentsView All

View All

Table of Contents

The Psychology of Hoovering

What Hoovering Looks Like

Why Narcissists Engage in Hoovering

Strategies to Resist Hoovering

Help and Support

We know that interacting with anarcissistcan be super challenging and draining. They repeatedly build you up and tear you down until you lose your confidence and start to question yourself-worth. Eventually, you start to recognize how toxic the relationship is. You get fed up with theirabuseand want out. This is the stage where hoovering typically comes in.

Hoovering, like the name suggests, is a type of behavior where the narcissist tries to suck you back into their life, much like a vacuum cleaner sucks up lint.

At a Glance

Just when you’re trying to distance yourself from a narcissistic person, they may hoover you back in. They may dazzle you with compliments, gifts, and promises, or they may manipulate, threaten, orguilt tripyou intodoing what they want.

This toxic behavior often stems from a deep fear of abandonment, a strong sense of entitlement, and a need for control.

The Psychology Behind Narcissist Hoovering

We tappedAimee Daramus, PsyD, a clinical psychologist at Clarity Clinic, Chicago, to understand the psychology behind narcissistic hoovering.

Narcissists get emotional satisfaction out of manipulating and controlling you.—AIMEE DARAMUS, PSYD

Narcissists get emotional satisfaction out of manipulating and controlling you.

—AIMEE DARAMUS, PSYD

A lot of people will hoover a bit to put off a breakup, but with narcissists, they will go out of their way to find ways to keep you around so they can continue to get their emotional fix, Dr. Daramus explains. “If they’re getting sex, money, or hard work out of you, that’s added incentive to keep you around.”

Typical Behaviors of Narcissist Hoovering

Narcissistic hoovering involves many different types of manipulative behaviors, such as:

17 Signs You’re in a Narcissistic Marriage or Relationship

These are some of thereasons why narcissists might engage in hoovering:

Can a Narcissist Change?

Strategies to Resist or Respond to Narcissist Hoovering

There are many strategies that can help you resist or respond to narcissistic hoovering:

You have to have your own best interests at heart, because the narcissist won’t. Hold your boundaries and state your needs, and if they can’t treat you right, move on.—AIMEE DARAMUS, PSYD

You have to have your own best interests at heart, because the narcissist won’t. Hold your boundaries and state your needs, and if they can’t treat you right, move on.

Use These 10 Phrases to Disarm a Narcissist

The support of loved ones can be very helpful at this time. Reach out to friends and family members who can provide emotional and practical support. Staying close to people who actually have your best interests at heart can help you stay strong.

If you’re having trouble coping, consider seeking the help of a mental health professional. Dr. Daramus recommends looking for a coach ortherapistwith a specialty in narcissism.

Additionally, educating yourself about narcissism and its effects can help you understand the relationship dynamic and cope with it better.

The 5 Things You Need to Do If You’re Dealing With a Narcissist

Conclusion

A narcissist may use compliments, false promises, threats, or guilt trips to try and bring you back into their life. It’s important to recognize their behavior for what it is and keep your distance from them, to protect yourself. Even if they’re wooing you now, things will probably go back to beingtoxicsoon enough.

Setting boundaries and keeping your distance from them can help you protect your energy and emotions. Lean on your support system for strength and consider seeing a mental health professional if you need help coping.

Meet Our Review Board

Share Feedback

Was this page helpful?Thanks for your feedback!What is your feedback?HelpfulReport an ErrorOtherSubmit

Was this page helpful?

Thanks for your feedback!

What is your feedback?HelpfulReport an ErrorOtherSubmit

What is your feedback?