The Layered Trauma of Losing My Adoptive Mother

“It’s just a mom,” I found myself saying.

It’s not that big of a deal, right?

I was 34 and shouldn’t have needed my mom so much, right? While that’s a Pandora’s box I’ll leave for my therapist, the truth remains that, yes, I did need my mom so much. Of course, I did; she was my mom! Also, I’m single and don’t have my own kids, so I haven’t started my own family unit yet unless you consider my dog (which I do).

Despite having 20 months to prepare as I watched her die of ovarian cancer, I still wasn’t ready. She died at 72; her mother lived until her mid-90s, and her sister, my aunt, is currently 87 and healthy. I would have assumed I hadat leastanother 15 years with her.

Compounded Grief

Most people will lose their mother once. But if you’re adopted, like me, you’ll face at least three mother losses—when you are surrendered and then when your birth mother and your adoptive mother die.

The firstmother losshappened three days after I was born, as I was handed from my birth mother to my adoptive mother in a snowy parking lot in New Jersey on Valentine’s Day.

I obviously couldn’t speak at the time, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t have feelings or that this wasn’t atraumaimprinting itself on my brain. Not to mention the I’m-sure-not-easy time she had while pregnant, making this decision to give me up and then planning for it—all while carrying my still-growing body inside of her, an everyday reminder of her decision.

These days, society and modern medicine recognize the importance of themother’s mental health—for the mother’s and the child’s sake. So much so that (some) antidepressants, once taboo while pregnant, are now considered acceptable during pregnancy. Untreated mental health issues can be linked to still-term births, slower-than-expected growth, and mental health issues in offspring.

That pre-natal time is when attachment begins to form, according to more modern takes on attachment.Think of how some mothers-to-be talk about their future offspring or cradle their bellies, cooing to their fetus—there’s no way that the presence or absence of thatdoesn’taffect a child. And so I suffered a loss before I could speak—one that most don’t recognize as a loss, as she’s still alive. This is known asdisenfranchised grief.

In the same vein, sentiments from the family like, “I never thought of you as adopted,” while well-intentioned, denied the reality that I was adopted. It didn’t give me room to really realize therewasa loss there or permission to grieve.

I could feel around the sides of a vague, gaping cave of loss, but I couldn’t fathom its depth.

I don’t think my parents realized how they could be the best parents in the world (and they were pretty great)andhow being given up at birth could still affect someone, regardless of how great their parents were.

It’s not that I wished I’d never been adopted or fantasized about what my life might have been like if I hadn’t been adopted. No, it’s more like I tried to will myself to have my adoptive parents' DNA instead. (Spoiler: it didn’t work).

If you get into a car accident one day and then another before you can get the car fixed, it’s hard to tell which accident caused what damage. It’s the same with psychological trauma and grief, known as compounded grief.

I met both of my birthparents in my early 20s, and later on, I would process those discreet events in therapy—though not really in the larger context of how being adopted had affected me.

What Are the Mental Health Effects of Being Adopted?

Losing My Adoptive Mom

And so when my adoptive mom died when I was 34, Iwasa car wreck. That initial loss and its lifetime of unprocessed effects, along with my mom’s death and several other smaller events that happened that year, led to some pretty intense compounded grief.

Throw in somegenes pre-disposed for rocky mental healthwith a dollop ofself-medicating, and now that car wreck was more of just a fiery mess.

And as the fire spread throughout my life, nothing could tame it, and I ended up checking myself intoresidential treatment. Before I left, I asked my therapist at the time what she thought would be most helpful for me.

Throw in some genes pre-disposed for rocky mental health with a dollop of self-medicating, and now that car wreck was more of just a fiery mess.

“Containment,” she answered. At the time, I bristled hearing that word, feeling like it meant that I was a small child who needed to be contained. But instead, it was more like the fire that needed to be contained before I could scorch my life even more.

I’d been depending on that life ring being right there for so long that I didn’t realize I could swim on my own. And my adoptive mom had enabled grasping that life ring—rushing down from New Jersey to Washington, D.C., on a literal midnight train to come to take care of me when I had bronchitis, for example.

That therapist was right that I’d never learned containment—nor trueself-soothing. The metaphor that comes to mind here is a child in a playpen. I could always reach beyond my proverbial playpen in times of disturbance for soothing, which would also soothe my most visceral fear of being abandoned again.

I’d been depending on that life ring being right there for so long that I didn’t realize I could swim on my own.

After my mom died, I wanted to hold everyone in my life tight so that they’d never leave me. I wanted my pain seen, so I could be reassured that I mattered, even if I wouldn’t believe it.

After my mom died, I wanted to run away from everyone. I didn’t want others to see my pain.

I carry these traumas all too somatically, through my tight neck and shoulders and tension headaches. My physical therapist, who tries to break through this physically tense exterior of mine, reminded me once that we are the only ones with ourselves ourentirelives.

About two years after my mom’s death, I moved from New York to California to really start the work of being myself, of deciding that maybe Iwasworth sticking with myself for my life.

I’ll never know what the grief of losing my mom would have looked like if Ihadn’tbeen adopted, and I’d give back all of this self-growth in a second if it meant having her back, but its way of forcing my adoption trauma to the surface brought me the gift of learning not to abandon my true self.

If you or a loved one are dealing with grief, contact theSubstance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) National Helplineat1-800-662-4357for information on support and treatment facilities in your area.For more mental health resources, see ourNational Helpline Database.

For more mental health resources, see ourNational Helpline Database.

How to Deal With the Death of a Mother

2 SourcesVerywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Suarez EA, Bateman BT, Hernández-Díaz S, et al.Association of antidepressant use during pregnancy with risk of neurodevelopmental disorders in children.JAMA Internal Medicine. 2022;182(11):1149-1160. doi:10.1001/jamainternmed.2022.4268Trombetta T, Giordano M, Santoniccolo F, Vismara L, Della Vedova AM, Rollè L.Pre-natal attachment and parent-to-infant attachment: a systematic review.Front Psychol. 2021;12:620942. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2021.620942

2 Sources

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Suarez EA, Bateman BT, Hernández-Díaz S, et al.Association of antidepressant use during pregnancy with risk of neurodevelopmental disorders in children.JAMA Internal Medicine. 2022;182(11):1149-1160. doi:10.1001/jamainternmed.2022.4268Trombetta T, Giordano M, Santoniccolo F, Vismara L, Della Vedova AM, Rollè L.Pre-natal attachment and parent-to-infant attachment: a systematic review.Front Psychol. 2021;12:620942. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2021.620942

Suarez EA, Bateman BT, Hernández-Díaz S, et al.Association of antidepressant use during pregnancy with risk of neurodevelopmental disorders in children.JAMA Internal Medicine. 2022;182(11):1149-1160. doi:10.1001/jamainternmed.2022.4268Trombetta T, Giordano M, Santoniccolo F, Vismara L, Della Vedova AM, Rollè L.Pre-natal attachment and parent-to-infant attachment: a systematic review.Front Psychol. 2021;12:620942. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2021.620942

Trombetta T, Giordano M, Santoniccolo F, Vismara L, Della Vedova AM, Rollè L.Pre-natal attachment and parent-to-infant attachment: a systematic review.Front Psychol. 2021;12:620942. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2021.620942

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Compounded Grief#

Losing My Adoptive Mom#

Compounded Grief

Losing My Adoptive Mom