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Setting boundaries aren’t always easy. The process itself—letting people know where your needs and limits are—can often be stressful, especially for those who aren’t used to it.

When people are used to relationship boundaries that are at a certain point, they can put up a fight if you try to change your boundaries with them, and people (like children) often try to test boundaries among one another. This can all be stressful, especially when you take into account thetoll of conflicton stress levels.

However, the end result can be well worth it: relationships that involve greater levels of mutual respect, that meet the needs of all parties involved, and that create much less stress for everyone.

The first step in setting boundaries is to gain an understanding of where your own personal boundaries lie. How comfortable are you with people getting close to you and taking certain liberties with you?

Often, your first clue is the feeling you get when your boundaries have been violated. Because differentpeople have different boundaries, something that bothers others may not bother you, and vice versa. Therefore, it’s important to communicate to others where your comfort levels (and discomfort levels) lie so that people with different boundaries may be able to keep from violating yours.

The following are general guidelines to help you to become more aware of your own personal boundaries.

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Questions to Ask Yourself

There are additional questions you should ask yourself when you are looking at specific choices you can make, rather than your feelings in general, that can help you to decide whether or not a boundary needs to be set.

The following questions can help you to clarify your boundaries in specific situations, and navigate through future ones:

Once you’ve determined how you are feeling, you can decide if you do indeed wish to set a boundary. In a perfect world, once we are aware of where our personal comfort zones lie, we need simply to communicate that information to others, and a relationship boundary is set.

However, quite often in the real world, boundary-setting involves some negotiation, and it doesn’t always go smoothly. People have boundaries of their own that may not match, and they may push for greater distance or closeness for their own reasons.

Because we need to think of our own needs as well as the needs and reactions of others, it’s important to be circumspect in setting boundaries.

The questions you ask yourself when discovering where your personal boundaries lie are different from the questions you may ask yourself when deciding where to actually set your boundaries.

When you set your boundaries in specific situations, you need to take into account practical factors like the “cost” of setting boundaries. They also allow you to be clear on issues such as guilt (should you feel guilty?) and motivation (is it worth it?), so you can move forward with the least amount of stress.

Here are some questions to ask yourself:

It is important to note that you will likely be weighing your own feelings more heavily than the feelings of others because you must live with the consequences of your decisions.

You are also the one who will have to live with the consequences of your choices. Ultimately, we all have our own comfort levels for boundaries, but these questions provide food for thought.

Although this may be stressful in the moment, once you decide to set boundaries and/or put the boundaries into place, it minimizes some of the stress. Working on boundary-setting strategies andassertive communication techniquescan bring some positive results to your life.​

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