Table of ContentsView AllTable of ContentsWhat Are Expectations?The Expectations vs. Reality TrapHow to Manage ExpectationsFrequently Asked Questions
Table of ContentsView All
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Table of Contents
What Are Expectations?
The Expectations vs. Reality Trap
How to Manage Expectations
Frequently Asked Questions
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Expectations are what we think will happen, while reality is what actually transpires. While we hope these two will match up, they often don’t. This disparity of expectations vs. reality can often lead to feelings of discontentment and unhappiness.
This article explores how expectations can lead to feelings of disappointment when reality does not measure up. It also covers some of the strategies you can use to manage your expectations.
Verywell / Kelly Miller
Expectations refer to the beliefs that you hold about the outcomes of events. While these expectations can play an important role in determining what happens and can contribute to goal-directed behavior, they can also lead to disappointment when reality does not match up to what you had hoped would happen.
Some of the common signs that you might hold expectations include:
When expectations are not met, it can lead to feelings of disappointment, frustration, and even anger.
In some cases, people might become so attached to their expectations that they are unable to see the reality of a situation. This can prevent them from taking action or makingdecisions that would be in their best interest.
Research shows that people are surprisingly inept at predicting how they will feel in various situations. For example, one study found thatnewlywed couplestended to estimate that their happiness levels would rise (or at least stay the same) over the four-year period after marriage.In reality, their levels of happiness tended to diminish over that time period.
RecapPeople are surprisingly bad at predicting what will make them happy.This means that your expectations might cause you to think that achieving certain goals will bring joy and contentment, but because these predictions are often wrong, you might pursue the wrong goals.
Recap
People are surprisingly bad at predicting what will make them happy.This means that your expectations might cause you to think that achieving certain goals will bring joy and contentment, but because these predictions are often wrong, you might pursue the wrong goals.
The Charles Dickens novel “Great Expectations” lays out the problem with expectations. The main character, Pip, inherits money from a secret benefactor. He views this fortune as a stepping stone to marrying the girl of his dreams.
When he ultimately learns that the money was not necessarily part of that larger plan, he realizes that he had taken for granted so many important relationships and gifts in his life. His expectations had robbed him of fully appreciating his reality.
Expectations Can Reduce Gratitude
When your expectations outpace reality, it often means you don’t appreciate what you do have. Instead, you may find yourself expecting more or comparing what you do have to what you could have.
For example, one study found that participants who were exposed to a subliminal reminder of wealth spent less time savoring a chocolate bar and exhibited less enjoyment of the experience than other subjects who weren’t reminded of wealth.
Gratitudeis all about appreciating what you have instead of lamenting what you don’t. Research has found that practicing gratitude and working actively tosavor the momentcan have a positive effect onsubjective well-beingand happiness.
Expectations May Not Be Realistic
Finally, your expectations can get the better of you when you expect more than what is realistic in a given situation. You might expect your partner to live up to what you see in romance films, your job to be an idealized version you dreamed about as a child, or even your life to match what you see on Instagram.
Expectations can create significant stress when they don’t match up with reality. Also, consider how social media can greatly contribute to this. You compare our own worst moments (those not deemed to be shareable online) to others' best moments, which very often are filtered to seem perfect.
You may not even realize this mismatched comparison. This may be part of why those who spend more time on social media tend to beless happy.
RecapYour expectations for your life may be unrealistic and skewed based on what you think others have. Remember that your perspective of others is limited and biased.
Your expectations for your life may be unrealistic and skewed based on what you think others have. Remember that your perspective of others is limited and biased.
The Stress of Social Comparison and How to Limit Comparing Yourself to Others
Learning how to manage your expectation can be helpful when you are trying to avoid the expectations vs. reality trap. It’s important to take a deeper look into how your expectations stack up to reality (and how your mood is affected because of this).
Become Aware of Your Expectations
Practice Gratitude
When you find that what is happening is not what you expected, actively look for the positives in what you have. You may find that once you get over the disappointment, you have something you didn’t initially realize you wanted. This helps you to be more appreciative of what you have.
Spend a few moments each day thinking about something you are grateful for. Or consider writing in agratitude journal.
Don’t Make Comparisons
When you see others' posts on social media and decide that you want what you see, remind yourself that this may not be reality. It’s great to know what direction you want things to go in, but don’t forget that what you see isn’t necessarily what others are actually living.
Consider What Really Makes You Happy
You may be overestimating how happy you would be once you have what you think you want. For instance, if you work a job you hate to save enough to buy an expensive car or nice clothes, you may find that your happiness is not very long-lasting.
Truly savor what you have. It’s okay to want more, but you can enjoy life so much more if you appreciate what you already have. Savoring what you have is a great way to expand the joy you experience in life.
Practice Emotional Acceptance
Don’t beat yourself up forfeeling disappointed. Instead of trying to deny or suppress negative emotions like disappointment or jealousy, work onaccepting these emotionsas they are.
However, try comparing yourself to others who have less, not more. Or better yet, try not to compare yourself to others in general. The only person you should be competing with is you.
Keep in Mind
Ultimately, striving for more can lead you to work your hardest and do your best. At the same time, it can also rob you of joy, especially when you expect things to come more easily than they do or in a different way. Becoming more aware of your expectations and how they change your feelings toward your own reality can free you from disappointment and stress that comes from unrealistic expectations.
Why Aren’t You Happier?
Discussing what you both want is important and gives you a place to start negotiating and compromising on expectations. Finally, remember to be flexible and willing to adapt as your relationship (and your expectations) evolve.
If you find that your expectations are not being met, it is important to take a step back and assess the situation. Try to understand why it happened and what you can do differently in the future. Remember that expectations are just beliefs—they are not always reality.
5 SourcesVerywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Lavner JA, Karney BR, Bradbury TN.Newlyweds' optimistic forecasts of their marriage: for better or for worse?.J Fam Psychol. 2013;27(4):531-40. doi:10.1037/a0033423Colombo D, Fernández-Álvarez J, Suso-Ribera C, et al.Biased affective forecasting: A potential mechanism that enhances resilience and well-being.Front Psychol. 2020;11:1333. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2020.01333Quoidbach J, Dunn EW, Petrides KV, Mikolajczak M.Money giveth, money taketh away: the dual effect of wealth on happiness.Psychol Sci. 2010;21(6):759-63. doi:10.1177/0956797610371963Salces-Cubero IM, Ramírez-Fernández E, Ortega-Martínez AR.Strengths in older adults: differential effect of savoring, gratitude and optimism on well-being.Aging Mental Health. 2019;23(8):1017-1024. doi:10.1080/13607863.2018.1471585Twenge JM.More time on technology, less happiness? Associations between digital-media use and psychological well-being.Curr Dir Psych Sci.2019;28(4):372–379. doi:10.1177/0963721419838244
5 Sources
Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Lavner JA, Karney BR, Bradbury TN.Newlyweds' optimistic forecasts of their marriage: for better or for worse?.J Fam Psychol. 2013;27(4):531-40. doi:10.1037/a0033423Colombo D, Fernández-Álvarez J, Suso-Ribera C, et al.Biased affective forecasting: A potential mechanism that enhances resilience and well-being.Front Psychol. 2020;11:1333. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2020.01333Quoidbach J, Dunn EW, Petrides KV, Mikolajczak M.Money giveth, money taketh away: the dual effect of wealth on happiness.Psychol Sci. 2010;21(6):759-63. doi:10.1177/0956797610371963Salces-Cubero IM, Ramírez-Fernández E, Ortega-Martínez AR.Strengths in older adults: differential effect of savoring, gratitude and optimism on well-being.Aging Mental Health. 2019;23(8):1017-1024. doi:10.1080/13607863.2018.1471585Twenge JM.More time on technology, less happiness? Associations between digital-media use and psychological well-being.Curr Dir Psych Sci.2019;28(4):372–379. doi:10.1177/0963721419838244
Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.
Lavner JA, Karney BR, Bradbury TN.Newlyweds' optimistic forecasts of their marriage: for better or for worse?.J Fam Psychol. 2013;27(4):531-40. doi:10.1037/a0033423Colombo D, Fernández-Álvarez J, Suso-Ribera C, et al.Biased affective forecasting: A potential mechanism that enhances resilience and well-being.Front Psychol. 2020;11:1333. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2020.01333Quoidbach J, Dunn EW, Petrides KV, Mikolajczak M.Money giveth, money taketh away: the dual effect of wealth on happiness.Psychol Sci. 2010;21(6):759-63. doi:10.1177/0956797610371963Salces-Cubero IM, Ramírez-Fernández E, Ortega-Martínez AR.Strengths in older adults: differential effect of savoring, gratitude and optimism on well-being.Aging Mental Health. 2019;23(8):1017-1024. doi:10.1080/13607863.2018.1471585Twenge JM.More time on technology, less happiness? Associations between digital-media use and psychological well-being.Curr Dir Psych Sci.2019;28(4):372–379. doi:10.1177/0963721419838244
Lavner JA, Karney BR, Bradbury TN.Newlyweds' optimistic forecasts of their marriage: for better or for worse?.J Fam Psychol. 2013;27(4):531-40. doi:10.1037/a0033423
Colombo D, Fernández-Álvarez J, Suso-Ribera C, et al.Biased affective forecasting: A potential mechanism that enhances resilience and well-being.Front Psychol. 2020;11:1333. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2020.01333
Quoidbach J, Dunn EW, Petrides KV, Mikolajczak M.Money giveth, money taketh away: the dual effect of wealth on happiness.Psychol Sci. 2010;21(6):759-63. doi:10.1177/0956797610371963
Salces-Cubero IM, Ramírez-Fernández E, Ortega-Martínez AR.Strengths in older adults: differential effect of savoring, gratitude and optimism on well-being.Aging Mental Health. 2019;23(8):1017-1024. doi:10.1080/13607863.2018.1471585
Twenge JM.More time on technology, less happiness? Associations between digital-media use and psychological well-being.Curr Dir Psych Sci.2019;28(4):372–379. doi:10.1177/0963721419838244
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