Solo Polyamory Could Help You Embrace Your Independence in Love

Table of ContentsView AllTable of ContentsWhat Is Solo Polyamory?Understanding Solo PolyamoryThe Good and the Bad of Being Solo PolySolo Poly in PracticeMisconceptions and StereotypesTips for PracticeKeep in Mind

Table of ContentsView All

View All

Table of Contents

What Is Solo Polyamory?

Understanding Solo Polyamory

The Good and the Bad of Being Solo Poly

Solo Poly in Practice

Misconceptions and Stereotypes

Tips for Practice

Keep in Mind

Referring to myself as “solo poly” on dating apps garnered more questions from potential matches than nearly any other attribute I listed—and that’s as a pretty seriously tattooed femme lesbian, a demographic that already warrants a lot of inquiries from others.

Most people couldn’t wrap their brains around the idea thatpolyamory, which is all about having multiple partners and open communication,could simultaneously be centered around an autonomous, single-adjacent lifestyle.

If you’re curious about how those two things can be true at once, and if you think that you might be a fit for a relationship model that melds clean communication with centering your own autonomy, you may be interested in solo polyamory. Given that more than 10% of the population has explored polyamory at some point, you’re far from alone in your curiosity!Ahead, we’ll discuss what it is, the pros and cons of it, and how to do it.

At a GlanceSolo polyamory is the practice of having multiple partners or relationships while centering one’s own autonomy. It’s different from being single because you communicate clearly and directly with people you date about the other people you see, and it’s different than the more common form of polyamory where you are forming potentially lasting relationships with multiple people.

At a Glance

Solo polyamory is the practice of having multiple partners or relationships while centering one’s own autonomy. It’s different from being single because you communicate clearly and directly with people you date about the other people you see, and it’s different than the more common form of polyamory where you are forming potentially lasting relationships with multiple people.

Can Ethical Non-Monogamy Work for You?

Solo polyamory is the practice of having more than one partner or relationship, a la regular poly, that forgoes the notion of apolyculeor other multiple-people centered relationship group. Instead, you focus on your partnerships alone.

For people seeking autonomy—which is the idea of having power over your own decisions in life based on what you believe to be best for you—solo poly can be a dream.

“Solo poly puts autonomy at the center of one’s decision-making process. This gives solo poly people the space to prioritize their own wants and needs and only choose to be in relationships that are consistent with that,” explains psychotherapist and clinical supervisorMadison McCullough, LCSW.

In standard polyamory, community is key. Partners often meet, or spend quality time with, the other partners of their partner. Sometimes they form relationships with numerous people at once, such as a triad. Solo poly is different from this. You keep the parts where you’re communicative and open about others in your life, but there is no attempt to bring everyone together.

“People who practice solo poly typically do not have nesting or anchor partners, and often live alone,” McCullough tells us. While that is often true, you absolutely can be solo poly despite being partnered. When I lived with my ex, I was solo poly. They weren’t involved in who I dated, though I was open about everyone I was with, and no one ever met one another. My relationships were mine alone, and I kept all of my worlds separate. I kept that model for some time after my breakup, and it suited me wonderfully until a relationship entered my life that I wanted to explore more fully.

Madison McCullough, LCSWSolo poly puts autonomy at the center of one’s decision-making process. This gives solo poly people the space to prioritize their own wants and needs and only choose to be in relationships that are consistent with that.

Madison McCullough, LCSW

Solo poly puts autonomy at the center of one’s decision-making process. This gives solo poly people the space to prioritize their own wants and needs and only choose to be in relationships that are consistent with that.

You can also be solo poly without having a partner, which is different from being single in one important way: Single people dating and heading toward a monogamous relationship don’t typically share about others they are seeing. Being solo poly means that you are upfront and honest about your dating life with everyone in it.

Being solo poly is a dream for anyone who likes to have more than one partner but not spend all their time talking about their feelings and emotions. MucCullough notes that practitioners of this model “value independence, and are not necessarily looking to be brought into the deeper dynamics of a polycule, or to build relationships with metamours.”

Being solo poly is also different from monogamy because that means you have one single partner, end of story. It’s not the same as an open relationship either: In that scenario, you have a primary partner, and you engage with others in a more sexual and less romantic capacity. Rather, this is its own unique style.

What to Do When Your Partner Wants An Open Relationship—and You Don’t

The biggest advantage of solo polyamory is that you get to decide what is right for your life without having to default for what’s right for someone else. It also is great for anyone who hates “processing,” as it tends to keep the need for emotional discussions lower than is typical when you have multiple partners.

As anintrovertand anautisticperson, solo poly worked incredibly well for me because I didn’t have to spend my time with numerous people at once, such as in a polycule, and I got to decide how deep—or not—I wanted each of my relationships to be.

Of course, solo poly doesn’t come without challenges. McCullough says that solo poly people may be seen as less social, and as wanting to avoid deep interactions. “Just because people value their autonomy does not mean that they don’t also want to cultivate meaningful relationships with other people,” she explains.

“If anything, solo poly people are often much more attuned to their social capacity, which makes them much more discerning about the kinds of relationships they have,” she adds. Additionally, she says being solo poly can lead to loneliness. “Many people who are solo poly value alone time, but that doesn’t mean that the alone time is always easy or comfortable,” she says.

Quiz: Am I Polyamorous?

Being solo poly gives you the opportunity to explore your own autonomy and learn more about your wants and needs while maintaining your independence. The easiest way to begin this practice is to be clear about it with anyone you might want to date or engage with sexually.

Boundaries and your ability to set them will be key to performing this relationship model successfully. You’ll want to be clear about how much time and energy you want to invest in each relationship, how much you want to discuss your partner(s)' other relationship(s), and what place each relationship will have in your day-to-day life. You’ll also need to listen closely to the boundaries of others, and respect them completely.

“Make sure your partners understand your definition of solo poly, and that what you can offer them in a relationship is consistent with what they need, and vice versa,” suggests McCullough.

There are common misconceptions that anyone who is polyamorous is slutty, or has loose morals, or is a sex addict. This simply isn’t true.

Based on a variety of relationships, polyamory more than anything else is about having lots of love in your heart to share, and about not trying to make anyone be what they aren’t. Rather, you value each person for what they can offer and the ways you connect, and you don’t try to force them into activities that don’t suit them.

Practicing the following tips will help you get the most out of solo polyamory.

To learn more, you canread blogs about being solo polyorlisten to a solo poly podcast. It may not be for everyone, but solo poly works great for some.

2 SourcesVerywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Balzarini RN, Dharma C, Kohut T, et al.Comparing relationship quality across different types of romantic partners in polyamorous and monogamous relationships.Arch Sex Behav. 2019;48(6):1749-1767. doi:10.1007/s10508-019-1416-7Moors AC, Gesselman AN, Garcia JR.Desire, familiarity, and engagement in polyamory: Results from a national sample of single adults in the United States.Front Psychol. 2021;12:619640. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2021.619640

2 Sources

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Balzarini RN, Dharma C, Kohut T, et al.Comparing relationship quality across different types of romantic partners in polyamorous and monogamous relationships.Arch Sex Behav. 2019;48(6):1749-1767. doi:10.1007/s10508-019-1416-7Moors AC, Gesselman AN, Garcia JR.Desire, familiarity, and engagement in polyamory: Results from a national sample of single adults in the United States.Front Psychol. 2021;12:619640. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2021.619640

Balzarini RN, Dharma C, Kohut T, et al.Comparing relationship quality across different types of romantic partners in polyamorous and monogamous relationships.Arch Sex Behav. 2019;48(6):1749-1767. doi:10.1007/s10508-019-1416-7Moors AC, Gesselman AN, Garcia JR.Desire, familiarity, and engagement in polyamory: Results from a national sample of single adults in the United States.Front Psychol. 2021;12:619640. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2021.619640

Moors AC, Gesselman AN, Garcia JR.Desire, familiarity, and engagement in polyamory: Results from a national sample of single adults in the United States.Front Psychol. 2021;12:619640. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2021.619640

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At a Glance#

Madison McCullough, LCSW#

At a Glance

Madison McCullough, LCSW