On This Page:ToggleVerbal Abuse vs. Common ArgumentSigns of Verbal AbuseImpact of Verbal AbuseDealing with Verbal Abuse
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Verbal abuse is a form ofemotional harm, often prevalent intoxic relationships, where one partner uses words to control, belittle, or psychologically manipulate the other.
Verbal abuse is when a person uses their words to dominate, assault, ridicule, manipulate, and degrade another person, negatively impacting their psychological and mental health. Verbal abuse is a method for a person to control and keep power over another person.
Young man screaming with alphabet letters flying out of mouth
Verbal abuse also includes roughness that is not explicitly directed at people but is used to scare, like slamming doors, throwing things, or destroying belongings.
Victims of verbal abuse often do not “hear” their partner’s words as abusive. Most people assume they would know about it if they were verbally abused.
People think, “That is just how they talk,” or think nothing of it because verbal abuse slivered into our minds and hearts early in life. After all, verbal abuse often involves screaming, yelling, name-calling, and belittling behaviors.
Nevertheless, there is so much more to verbal abuse than people realize. Some people are verbally abused regularly without even recognizing that it is happening.
It can occur in any relationship, including romantic, family, parent-child, and even co-worker relationships. These behaviors are just as severe as other forms of abuse and may damage self-worth and well-being.
Every relationship is different, and indications of emotional and verbal abuse may not be evident from the start.
Verbally abusive people often seem to be excellent partners, and behaviors may arise slowly or suddenly. Verbal abuse often occurs in relationships before physical abuse; yet, this is not always true.
Remember, verbal abuse can happen without the presence of physical abuse. However, the effects of verbal abuse can be just as damaging as physical abuse.
Verbal and emotional abuse can sometimes be used interchangeably, but they are two different forms of abuse with distinct characteristics that might overlap.
Verbal abusers use language to hurt the other person, which could involve speaking violently or aggressively, and it could also meannot saying a single word.
Some common forms of verbal abuse include withholding, countering, and discounting. On the other hand, emotional abuse utilizes hurtful tactics rooted in one’s emotions to take control of and mistreat the victim.
Some common forms of emotional abuse include criticism, humiliation, and control.
Difference Between Verbal Abuse & Common Argument
As we know, people get into arguments from time to time. Sometimes, we lose our cool and yell; it is all part of being human. However, verbal abuse is not normal.
Being involved in a verbally abusive relationship can wear someone down and seem ordinary to them.
Signs of Verbal Abuse
Let us go over the main signs and descriptions of verbal abuse:
Anytime a person engages in name-calling, it is a form of verbal abuse. Even if the words are said in a neutral voice, it is not fair treatment of another individual.
Sometimes obvious, sometimes masked as “pet names” or “teasing,” regular name-calling is a method of belittling someone.
2. Condescension
3. Criticism
There is nothing wrong with constructive criticism. However, in a verbally abusive relationship, it is particularly harsh and persistent in an attempt to chip away at your self-esteem.
4. Degradation
Abusers want you to feel horrible and inadequate about yourself. They use shame and humiliation to degrade you and eat away your confidence.
5. Manipulation
Manipulation is a method to try and make you do something without making it a direct order. Please make no mistake: it controls you and keeps you off-balance.
6. Blame
As humans, we are all at fault for something once in a while. Nevertheless, a verbally abusive person accuses you of their behavior. They want you to think that you bring verbal abuse on yourself.
7. Accusations
If someone is constantly accusing you of things, they may be jealous. Alternatively, perhaps they are the ones guilty of that conduct.
Either way, it can make a person question whether they are doing something inappropriate.
8. Isolation
This is when they refuse to talk to you, or look you in the eye, or refuse to even be in the same room with you. It is meant to make you work harder to get their attention.
9. Gaslighting
Gaslightingis a methodical effort to make you doubt your version of events. It can even make you apologize for something that is not your fault. It can also make one more dependent on the abuser.
10. Circular Arguments
It is common for two people to disagree or argue about the same thing more than once until they find common ground.
However, abusers will reignite that age-old argument repeatedly to push your buttons, never planning to meet in the middle.
11. Threats
Outright threats can suggest that verbal abuse will escalate. They are meant to scare you into submission.
Impact of Verbal Abuse
Verbal abuse can affect every aspect of life. This can include academic performance, work/career success, and any relationship.
It is just like any other type of abuse or bullying. Verbal abuse has both short-term and long-term consequences that include the following mental health issues:
When verbal abuse is especially severe, it can impact whether or not people can see themselves as successful in any area of life.
Children who experience verbal abuse may experience feelings of worthlessness, difficulty trusting others, and problems regulating their emotions as adults.
Verbal abuse can be incredibly confusing because the other person may not always be abusive, and their behavior likely arises slowly over time. This can make verbal abuse something truly insidious and subtle.
Therefore, when the abuser is caring and gentle, the victim forgets about the adverse behavior.
Ultimately, the victim forgives the verbal abuse pattern or justifies the behavior, stating that the abuser is “going through a difficult time at the moment” or “just stressed.”
Dealing with Verbal Abuse
Remember that verbal abuse could be a precursor to physical hurt. Preparing for both emotional safety and physical safety is essential.
It is important to be completely honest with yourself and acknowledge verbal abuse when it is happening to take the first critical step to deal with it effectively.
As always, a good advice is to trust your instincts, that “gut” feeling. It probably is not if one senses that something does not feel right. One can also use the information you have learned from this article to help identify the different signs of verbal abuse.
Practice Self-Care
Take the time every day, if you can, to practice self-care, even if it is only for a few moments. To the capacity you can, provide yourself with alleviation from the stress.
Remind yourself of your worth and value and that you deserve care. Being abused is never your fault.
See a therapist:Speaking to a mental health professional is an excellent way to deal with verbal abuse. Therapists can offer sound guidance and help you heal from the trauma.
Make Distance
Do not try to change them. It is best to accept that you probably will not change the abuser’s behavior, nor is it your responsibility.
If it is safe to do so, set boundaries and enforce them. Tell the abuser you will no longer accept this kind of treatment.
Decline to engage in any abusive behavior and walk away if they try. Try to spend as little time as possible with abusive people. Rather, spend time with people who are kind and support you.
End contact entirely:It is not always possible, such as if you have children together, but if you can, cut off communication entirely from verbally abusive people.
Create a Supportive Network
It may be challenging to share with someone about your experience, but having a trustworthy friend or therapist can be calming and helpful while dealing with verbal abuse.
They might be able to help you make a plan.
Please do not suffer alone:while verbally abusive people may try to separate you, it is crucial to spend time with people you trust, such as close friends and family, for support.
Make a Safety Exit Plan
If you are worried there might be consequences if you take significant steps to escape verbal abuse, you should make a safety plan first. You may need to leave a relationship to maintain your safety, but you may not be ready to take significant steps.
Instead, create smaller goals to reach out and speak to someone about your actions or find help to develop a sense of control and safety.
Create a safety plan:
Summary
Healing takes time, but it’s important not to isolate yourself. Reach out and talk to supportive family members and friends.
If you are in school, talking to a teacher or guidance counselor could be good. If you think it will help, find a therapist to help you recover.
References
Сalmerry. (2022, March 15).How to recognize verbal abuse: 12 common types. Calmerry. Retrieved April 19, 2022, from https://calmerry.com/blog/emotional-abuse/how-to-recognize-verbal-abuse/
Gordon, S. (n.d.).What are the signs of verbal abuse?Verywell Mind. Retrieved April 19, 2022, from https://www.verywellmind.com/how-to-recognize-verbal-abuse-bullying-4154087
Pietrangelo, A. (2019, March 29).What is verbal abuse?. Healthline. Retrieved April 19, 2022, from https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/what-is-verbal-abuse#outlook
Saul McLeod, PhD
BSc (Hons) Psychology, MRes, PhD, University of Manchester
Saul McLeod, PhD., is a qualified psychology teacher with over 18 years of experience in further and higher education. He has been published in peer-reviewed journals, including the Journal of Clinical Psychology.
Olivia Guy-Evans, MSc
BSc (Hons) Psychology, MSc Psychology of Education
Olivia Guy-Evans is a writer and associate editor for Simply Psychology. She has previously worked in healthcare and educational sectors.
Mia Belle Frothingham
BA with minors in Psychology and Biology, MRes University of Edinburgh
Mia Belle Frothingham is a Harvard University graduate with a Bachelor of Arts in Sciences with minors in biology and psychology
