Signs a Marriage Cannot Be Saved

Table of ContentsView AllTable of ContentsIs Your Marriage Worth Saving?Know the SignsSigns a Marriage Can Be SavedGetting HelpFrequently Asked Questions

Table of ContentsView All

View All

Table of Contents

Is Your Marriage Worth Saving?

Know the Signs

Signs a Marriage Can Be Saved

Getting Help

Frequently Asked Questions

Marriage can be a blessing, but it can also break your heart—especially if you think you’ve reached the end of the road. There’s no easy path to thedecision to divorce, and the journey through uncoupling is different for everyone. If you’re contemplating this difficult decision, you need to determine if yourrelationship is so troubledthat your marriage cannot be saved.Only you know whether you can or should repair your relationship. But there are signs that can help you decide when it’s time to divorce. And there are also signs that, withrelationship counselingand hard work, your marriage can be saved.Annulment vs. Divorce: What Are the Differences?Is Your Marriage Worth Saving?If you and your partner are considering divorce, there arequestions you might ask yourselfandfactors to considerbefore coming to a decision. Ending a marriage can be incredibly complex and challenging. Admitting you may not love your partner anymore can be difficult.And even if you still love each other, that may not be enough to save a marriage.This can make divorce that much more difficult. Counseling, either together or separately (or both), can help you with the decision-making process.Research published in 2020 revealed the most frequently given reasons for divorce from a sample of more than 2,000 people. They were:Lack of love/intimacyCommunication issuesLack of sympathy/respect/trustGrowing apartThe 10 Best Online Couples Therapy Services We Tried and TestedKnow the SignsThere are somemarriage concerns, like abuse, that should be absolute deal-breakers. However, there are many more signs that are not so clear. Each of these issues should still be taken seriously.Keep in mind that deciding whether or not to separate is a very complex and personal issue. Not all of the following signs alone indicate that your relationship can’t recover.Divorce is hard, but for many, it’s harder and more painful to live disconnected and disengaged emotionally from your partner. Indeed, the toll negative relationships take on physical and mental health can be huge.Some research suggests that chronically negative or abusive relationships can even shorten your lifespan.The 10 Best Online Divorce Counseling Services, Tried and TestedAbuseAnabusive relationshipneeds to end. Abuse is never acceptable and no one deserves it or should have to live with it. It’s important to seek support if you are dealing with abuse in your marriage. Keep in mind that abuse is not always physical and can come in other forms, includingemotional abuseandverbal abuse.If you or a loved one are a victim of domestic violence, contact theNational Domestic Violence Hotlineat1-800-799-7233for confidential assistance from trained advocates.For more mental health resources, see ourNational Helpline Database.Lack of Affection or IntimacyWhile couples may go through periods of more and less physical intimacy throughout their marriage, asexless marriagecould be a sign that there are underlying issues that need to be resolved in order for the relationship to survive.BigamyIf your partner led you to believe you two were the only people in your marriage, but then you find out that’s not the case—you’ve been deceived. On top of that, bigamy is illegal.Criminal BehaviorFinding out your partner has a criminal background can be challenging to get past, especially if the crime is very severe. Not only is there a sense of broken trust, but you may question if you know your partner as well as you thought you did. It’s difficult to forgivelying in a relationship, and this is serious lie designed to cover up a serious issue.Constant CriticismIs your partner always putting you down? This could be bad for your health. One 2020 study published inHealth Psychologyfound that negative relationship quality after five years—specifically involving criticism received from a partner—was linked to an older adult’s risk of mortality.Criticism is also one of theFour Horsemen of the Apocalypsewhich clinical psychologists Drs. John and Julie Gottman use to predict the end of a marriage. The other three red flags:stonewalling, defensiveness, and contempt.Untreated AddictionIt can be extremely difficult to be in a relationship with someone who won’t seek treatment for—or plainly denies—theiraddiction. The addiction may also contribute to job loss, therefore impacting finances, or be the root of most arguments between partners.Shifting PrioritiesIf you and your partner were formerly in agreement on big lifestyle choices, such as having children and where to live, but now one of you has changed your mind, you may be at an impasse.Similarly, if your goals and outlooks on life are no longer aligned, you may find that logistically the marriage can’t be sustained. This is something that could be explored with a counselor to see if compromise is possible.CheatingInfidelitycan be extremely difficult to experience. While cheating often lead to divorce or separation, it doesn’t always mean it will.Somemarriages can survive infidelity. Whether yours can may depend on the circumstances of the infidelity and the presence of other complicating factors. Couples' therapy will be essential to moving beyond infidelity.Financial ProblemsPerhaps your partner brought significant debt into the relationship and wasn’t upfront about it, struggles to hold down a job, or consistently overspends. Or perhaps you’ve had a significant financial setback, like the loss of a business or unexpected healthcare costs. No matter the source,financial worriescan create serious conflict in a marriage.Inability to CompromiseCompromising is essential to a healthy relationship. If your marriage is completely one-sided and your partner struggles to meet you in the middle (or refuses to try), you could be in a toxic relationship.Lack of Empathy or RemorseA partner who won’t apologize, take responsibility for their mistakes, or won’t try tounderstand what you’re feelingcan be very frustrating to be with. You may feel like you’re always putting more into the partnership and that your needs are never addressed.Signs Your Marriage Is Worth SavingEven in the presence of one of the danger signs (except abuse), you may still be able to repair your relationship. The spark that drew you together may be flickering, but there is still a possibility of rekindling it, especially if you can identify some of these hopeful signs.You Love Each OtherA strong emotional connection may not be enough to sustain a troubled marriage. But it may be the push you need to seek help and begin reconnecting.You Share ValuesIf you and your partner have similar beliefs and philosophies on big-picture topics (such as parenting, religion or ethics, and finances), you may realize that where it matters, you are united. Smaller disagreements may have clouded the picture, but you have a strong foundation from which to rebuild.You’re Both Ready to Do the WorkWhen you and your partner are both committed to your relationship, and willing to take the necessary steps to strengthen it, that’s a sign that you can overcome your present difficulties. This means acknowledging that both of you have played a role in the current state of your marriage, and both of you have a role in making changes.Your Problems Are Caused By StressFinancial troubles, health concerns, extended family conflicts,parenting issues, and other stresses can put a lot of strain on a marriage. But if these problems are managed (through counseling, social support, self-care, and other strategies), then you may find that your marriage can also be saved.9 Reasons to Fight for Your RelationshipGetting HelpBeing unhappy in your marriage causes stress and pain. Whether you stay together or split up, having support and guidance is important.Relationship counselingcan help you resolve conflicts and make decisions, andindividual therapycan be valuable too.To find a counselor, ask for a referral from your physician, your workplace employee assistance program, or a friend. If you belong to a religious congregation, you may be able to access resources there. You can also consideronline marriage counseling.How Couples Therapy Can Improve Your RelationshipGet Help NowWe’ve tried, tested, and written unbiased reviews of thebest online therapy programsincluding Talkspace, BetterHelp, and ReGain. Find out which option is the best for you.A Word From VerywellIt’s a difficult and heavy choice to end your marriage, but if you’re fighting a losing battle or are feeling trapped and powerless in a relationship that is ultimately causing you harm, don’t wait for a single sign to tell you to stay or to leave.When it’s time to leave a bad relationship, chances are you’ll know—you’ll feel it in your gut. If you’re still wavering, ask yourself what’s still good about your marriage and what isn’t, and most importantly, whether the good outweighs the bad.Frequently Asked QuestionsIt can be very difficult to know if your marriage is worth saving. Even if you experience one or more of the signs of trouble (such as infidelity or financial stress), there may be other factors at play that push you toward saving your marriage.Counseling, whether joint or individual, may help you understand your feelings so you can make a decision you feel comfortable with.For many people, abusive behavior and infidelity are signs that a marriage is beyond repair. Abuse is never okay, and help is available if you are experiencing it. But some marriages can survive infidelity.Psychologists John and Julie Gottman, who have spent decades studying marriage, identified four strong predictors of divorce: criticism, stonewalling, defensiveness, and contempt.If one or more is present, or the partner exhibiting the behavior is unwilling to examine or change it, the marriage may be beyond repair.

Only you know whether you can or should repair your relationship. But there are signs that can help you decide when it’s time to divorce. And there are also signs that, withrelationship counselingand hard work, your marriage can be saved.

Annulment vs. Divorce: What Are the Differences?

If you and your partner are considering divorce, there arequestions you might ask yourselfandfactors to considerbefore coming to a decision. Ending a marriage can be incredibly complex and challenging. Admitting you may not love your partner anymore can be difficult.

And even if you still love each other, that may not be enough to save a marriage.This can make divorce that much more difficult. Counseling, either together or separately (or both), can help you with the decision-making process.

Research published in 2020 revealed the most frequently given reasons for divorce from a sample of more than 2,000 people. They were:Lack of love/intimacyCommunication issuesLack of sympathy/respect/trustGrowing apart

Research published in 2020 revealed the most frequently given reasons for divorce from a sample of more than 2,000 people. They were:

The 10 Best Online Couples Therapy Services We Tried and Tested

There are somemarriage concerns, like abuse, that should be absolute deal-breakers. However, there are many more signs that are not so clear. Each of these issues should still be taken seriously.

Keep in mind that deciding whether or not to separate is a very complex and personal issue. Not all of the following signs alone indicate that your relationship can’t recover.

Divorce is hard, but for many, it’s harder and more painful to live disconnected and disengaged emotionally from your partner. Indeed, the toll negative relationships take on physical and mental health can be huge.

Some research suggests that chronically negative or abusive relationships can even shorten your lifespan.

The 10 Best Online Divorce Counseling Services, Tried and Tested

Abuse

Anabusive relationshipneeds to end. Abuse is never acceptable and no one deserves it or should have to live with it. It’s important to seek support if you are dealing with abuse in your marriage. Keep in mind that abuse is not always physical and can come in other forms, includingemotional abuseandverbal abuse.

If you or a loved one are a victim of domestic violence, contact theNational Domestic Violence Hotlineat1-800-799-7233for confidential assistance from trained advocates.For more mental health resources, see ourNational Helpline Database.

If you or a loved one are a victim of domestic violence, contact theNational Domestic Violence Hotlineat1-800-799-7233for confidential assistance from trained advocates.

For more mental health resources, see ourNational Helpline Database.

Lack of Affection or Intimacy

While couples may go through periods of more and less physical intimacy throughout their marriage, asexless marriagecould be a sign that there are underlying issues that need to be resolved in order for the relationship to survive.

Bigamy

If your partner led you to believe you two were the only people in your marriage, but then you find out that’s not the case—you’ve been deceived. On top of that, bigamy is illegal.

Criminal Behavior

Finding out your partner has a criminal background can be challenging to get past, especially if the crime is very severe. Not only is there a sense of broken trust, but you may question if you know your partner as well as you thought you did. It’s difficult to forgivelying in a relationship, and this is serious lie designed to cover up a serious issue.

Constant Criticism

Is your partner always putting you down? This could be bad for your health. One 2020 study published inHealth Psychologyfound that negative relationship quality after five years—specifically involving criticism received from a partner—was linked to an older adult’s risk of mortality.

Criticism is also one of theFour Horsemen of the Apocalypsewhich clinical psychologists Drs. John and Julie Gottman use to predict the end of a marriage. The other three red flags:stonewalling, defensiveness, and contempt.

Untreated Addiction

It can be extremely difficult to be in a relationship with someone who won’t seek treatment for—or plainly denies—theiraddiction. The addiction may also contribute to job loss, therefore impacting finances, or be the root of most arguments between partners.

Shifting Priorities

If you and your partner were formerly in agreement on big lifestyle choices, such as having children and where to live, but now one of you has changed your mind, you may be at an impasse.

Similarly, if your goals and outlooks on life are no longer aligned, you may find that logistically the marriage can’t be sustained. This is something that could be explored with a counselor to see if compromise is possible.

Cheating

Infidelitycan be extremely difficult to experience. While cheating often lead to divorce or separation, it doesn’t always mean it will.Somemarriages can survive infidelity. Whether yours can may depend on the circumstances of the infidelity and the presence of other complicating factors. Couples' therapy will be essential to moving beyond infidelity.

Financial Problems

Perhaps your partner brought significant debt into the relationship and wasn’t upfront about it, struggles to hold down a job, or consistently overspends. Or perhaps you’ve had a significant financial setback, like the loss of a business or unexpected healthcare costs. No matter the source,financial worriescan create serious conflict in a marriage.

Inability to Compromise

Compromising is essential to a healthy relationship. If your marriage is completely one-sided and your partner struggles to meet you in the middle (or refuses to try), you could be in a toxic relationship.

Lack of Empathy or Remorse

A partner who won’t apologize, take responsibility for their mistakes, or won’t try tounderstand what you’re feelingcan be very frustrating to be with. You may feel like you’re always putting more into the partnership and that your needs are never addressed.

Signs Your Marriage Is Worth Saving

Even in the presence of one of the danger signs (except abuse), you may still be able to repair your relationship. The spark that drew you together may be flickering, but there is still a possibility of rekindling it, especially if you can identify some of these hopeful signs.

You Love Each Other

A strong emotional connection may not be enough to sustain a troubled marriage. But it may be the push you need to seek help and begin reconnecting.

If you and your partner have similar beliefs and philosophies on big-picture topics (such as parenting, religion or ethics, and finances), you may realize that where it matters, you are united. Smaller disagreements may have clouded the picture, but you have a strong foundation from which to rebuild.

You’re Both Ready to Do the Work

When you and your partner are both committed to your relationship, and willing to take the necessary steps to strengthen it, that’s a sign that you can overcome your present difficulties. This means acknowledging that both of you have played a role in the current state of your marriage, and both of you have a role in making changes.

Your Problems Are Caused By Stress

Financial troubles, health concerns, extended family conflicts,parenting issues, and other stresses can put a lot of strain on a marriage. But if these problems are managed (through counseling, social support, self-care, and other strategies), then you may find that your marriage can also be saved.

9 Reasons to Fight for Your Relationship

Being unhappy in your marriage causes stress and pain. Whether you stay together or split up, having support and guidance is important.Relationship counselingcan help you resolve conflicts and make decisions, andindividual therapycan be valuable too.

To find a counselor, ask for a referral from your physician, your workplace employee assistance program, or a friend. If you belong to a religious congregation, you may be able to access resources there. You can also consideronline marriage counseling.

How Couples Therapy Can Improve Your Relationship

Get Help NowWe’ve tried, tested, and written unbiased reviews of thebest online therapy programsincluding Talkspace, BetterHelp, and ReGain. Find out which option is the best for you.

Get Help Now

We’ve tried, tested, and written unbiased reviews of thebest online therapy programsincluding Talkspace, BetterHelp, and ReGain. Find out which option is the best for you.

A Word From Verywell

It’s a difficult and heavy choice to end your marriage, but if you’re fighting a losing battle or are feeling trapped and powerless in a relationship that is ultimately causing you harm, don’t wait for a single sign to tell you to stay or to leave.

When it’s time to leave a bad relationship, chances are you’ll know—you’ll feel it in your gut. If you’re still wavering, ask yourself what’s still good about your marriage and what isn’t, and most importantly, whether the good outweighs the bad.

Frequently Asked QuestionsIt can be very difficult to know if your marriage is worth saving. Even if you experience one or more of the signs of trouble (such as infidelity or financial stress), there may be other factors at play that push you toward saving your marriage.Counseling, whether joint or individual, may help you understand your feelings so you can make a decision you feel comfortable with.For many people, abusive behavior and infidelity are signs that a marriage is beyond repair. Abuse is never okay, and help is available if you are experiencing it. But some marriages can survive infidelity.Psychologists John and Julie Gottman, who have spent decades studying marriage, identified four strong predictors of divorce: criticism, stonewalling, defensiveness, and contempt.If one or more is present, or the partner exhibiting the behavior is unwilling to examine or change it, the marriage may be beyond repair.

It can be very difficult to know if your marriage is worth saving. Even if you experience one or more of the signs of trouble (such as infidelity or financial stress), there may be other factors at play that push you toward saving your marriage.Counseling, whether joint or individual, may help you understand your feelings so you can make a decision you feel comfortable with.

Counseling, whether joint or individual, may help you understand your feelings so you can make a decision you feel comfortable with.

For many people, abusive behavior and infidelity are signs that a marriage is beyond repair. Abuse is never okay, and help is available if you are experiencing it. But some marriages can survive infidelity.Psychologists John and Julie Gottman, who have spent decades studying marriage, identified four strong predictors of divorce: criticism, stonewalling, defensiveness, and contempt.If one or more is present, or the partner exhibiting the behavior is unwilling to examine or change it, the marriage may be beyond repair.

Psychologists John and Julie Gottman, who have spent decades studying marriage, identified four strong predictors of divorce: criticism, stonewalling, defensiveness, and contempt.If one or more is present, or the partner exhibiting the behavior is unwilling to examine or change it, the marriage may be beyond repair.

6 SourcesVerywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Sternberg RJ, Sternberg K.The New Psychology of Love. Cambridge University Press.Crabtree SA, Harris SM, Bell NK, Allen S, Roberts KM.The roles of love and happiness in divorce decision making.J Divorce Remarriage. 2018;59(8):601-615. doi:10.1080/10502556.2018.1466254Strizzi JM, Sander S, Ciprić A, Hald GM.“I had not seen Star Wars” and other motives for divorce in Denmark.J Sex Marital Ther. 2020;46(1):57-66. doi:10.1080/0092623X.2019.1641871Bookwala J, Gaugler T.Relationship quality and 5-year mortality risk.Health Psychol. 2020;39(8):633-641. doi:10.1037/hea0000883Allen ES, Atkins DC.The association of divorce and extramarital sex in a representative U.S. sample.J Fam Issues. 2012;33(11):1477-1493. doi:10.1177/0192513X12439692Fowler C, Dillow MR.Attachment dimensions and the four horsemen of the apocalypse.Commun Res Rep.2011;28(1):16-26. doi:10.1080/08824096.2010.518910

6 Sources

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Sternberg RJ, Sternberg K.The New Psychology of Love. Cambridge University Press.Crabtree SA, Harris SM, Bell NK, Allen S, Roberts KM.The roles of love and happiness in divorce decision making.J Divorce Remarriage. 2018;59(8):601-615. doi:10.1080/10502556.2018.1466254Strizzi JM, Sander S, Ciprić A, Hald GM.“I had not seen Star Wars” and other motives for divorce in Denmark.J Sex Marital Ther. 2020;46(1):57-66. doi:10.1080/0092623X.2019.1641871Bookwala J, Gaugler T.Relationship quality and 5-year mortality risk.Health Psychol. 2020;39(8):633-641. doi:10.1037/hea0000883Allen ES, Atkins DC.The association of divorce and extramarital sex in a representative U.S. sample.J Fam Issues. 2012;33(11):1477-1493. doi:10.1177/0192513X12439692Fowler C, Dillow MR.Attachment dimensions and the four horsemen of the apocalypse.Commun Res Rep.2011;28(1):16-26. doi:10.1080/08824096.2010.518910

Sternberg RJ, Sternberg K.The New Psychology of Love. Cambridge University Press.Crabtree SA, Harris SM, Bell NK, Allen S, Roberts KM.The roles of love and happiness in divorce decision making.J Divorce Remarriage. 2018;59(8):601-615. doi:10.1080/10502556.2018.1466254Strizzi JM, Sander S, Ciprić A, Hald GM.“I had not seen Star Wars” and other motives for divorce in Denmark.J Sex Marital Ther. 2020;46(1):57-66. doi:10.1080/0092623X.2019.1641871Bookwala J, Gaugler T.Relationship quality and 5-year mortality risk.Health Psychol. 2020;39(8):633-641. doi:10.1037/hea0000883Allen ES, Atkins DC.The association of divorce and extramarital sex in a representative U.S. sample.J Fam Issues. 2012;33(11):1477-1493. doi:10.1177/0192513X12439692Fowler C, Dillow MR.Attachment dimensions and the four horsemen of the apocalypse.Commun Res Rep.2011;28(1):16-26. doi:10.1080/08824096.2010.518910

Sternberg RJ, Sternberg K.The New Psychology of Love. Cambridge University Press.

Crabtree SA, Harris SM, Bell NK, Allen S, Roberts KM.The roles of love and happiness in divorce decision making.J Divorce Remarriage. 2018;59(8):601-615. doi:10.1080/10502556.2018.1466254

Strizzi JM, Sander S, Ciprić A, Hald GM.“I had not seen Star Wars” and other motives for divorce in Denmark.J Sex Marital Ther. 2020;46(1):57-66. doi:10.1080/0092623X.2019.1641871

Bookwala J, Gaugler T.Relationship quality and 5-year mortality risk.Health Psychol. 2020;39(8):633-641. doi:10.1037/hea0000883

Allen ES, Atkins DC.The association of divorce and extramarital sex in a representative U.S. sample.J Fam Issues. 2012;33(11):1477-1493. doi:10.1177/0192513X12439692

Fowler C, Dillow MR.Attachment dimensions and the four horsemen of the apocalypse.Commun Res Rep.2011;28(1):16-26. doi:10.1080/08824096.2010.518910

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Abuse#

Lack of Affection or Intimacy#

Bigamy#

Criminal Behavior#

Constant Criticism#

Untreated Addiction#

Shifting Priorities#

Cheating#

Financial Problems#

Inability to Compromise#

Lack of Empathy or Remorse#

Signs Your Marriage Is Worth Saving#

You Love Each Other#

You Share Values#

You’re Both Ready to Do the Work#

Your Problems Are Caused By Stress#

Get Help Now#

A Word From Verywell#