Table of ContentsView AllTable of ContentsSignsResearchCausesHow to Cope

Table of ContentsView All

View All

Table of Contents

Signs

Research

Causes

How to Cope

Close

Sibling rivalry isn’t always outgrown in childhood. In some cases, it only intensifies as time passes. While people often think of sibling rivalry as a childhood phenomenon, adult siblings fighting is a common phenomenon in which adult siblings struggle to get along, argue, or are even estranged from one another.

If you feel strain in your relationship with your family because your parents favor another sibling or another sibling’s family, you may be surprised to find that you’re not alone. While most parents love their adult children, it’s surprisingly common for a parent to be closer to, or more supportive of, particular adult offspring over others, sparking sibling rivalry.

This article discusses why sibling rivalry happens and some strategies you can use to cope with the stress of adult siblings fighting.

Get Help NowWe’ve tried, tested, and written unbiased reviews of thebest online therapy programsincluding Talkspace, BetterHelp, and ReGain. Find out which option is the best for you.

Get Help Now

We’ve tried, tested, and written unbiased reviews of thebest online therapy programsincluding Talkspace, BetterHelp, and ReGain. Find out which option is the best for you.

Signs of Sibling Rivalry in Adults

Some signs of sibling rivalry in adults include:

Sibling rivalry in adulthood can take many forms and may range from subtle to much more overt behavior. In some cases, adult siblings fighting can create conflict within the family and lead to the breakdown of relationships.

Research on Sibling Rivalry

Research has shown that parenting plays a significant role in contributing to adult sibling rivalry.While parents may strive to remain unbiased when it comes to their kids, favoritism is actually very common.

Research has found:

Recap

Reasons for Adult Sibling Rivalry

While it hurts to be the less favored ‘child’, it’s human nature for some people to be drawn together for various reasons, such as:

Research shows that parents are more ambivalent toward children who are not married, less educated, and share fewer of their values.

While this can be human nature, it stings more when coming from a parent, as we think of our parents as people who are supposed to love and support us unconditionally, and we may still see them as a little greater than human (a viewpoint leftover from childhood).

How to Have Healthy Family Relationships

Coping With Adult Siblings Fighting

Research has shown that parental favoritism and sibling rivalry are linked to increased symptoms of anxiety, depression, hostility, and loneliness.

I Hate My Sister: What to Do When You Feel Hate Toward Siblings

Don’t Take It Personally

Understand that your parent may not ‘love’ the other sibling more, they just feel closer or more invested in their lives, for whatever reason. They may not even be aware of it, and most likely not doing it to hurt your feelings.

If they are actively trying to hurt you as ‘punishment’ for not being more the person they’d like you to be, perhaps it’s best that you’re not closer.

Find Support Elsewhere in Your Life

Find supportive people in your life to provide the love, acceptance, and approval you may not get from your parents as much as you’d like. While we may not be born into families of people who think like us and share our values, there are many people in the world that can provide the support that our family members may be unable to give.

Find a support system that offers unconditional love andinvest your energy there.

Don’t Perpetuate Sibling Rivalry

Don’t compete with your siblings, and don’t blame them for being favored. Even if they’re going out of their way to remain the favorite, you can’t blame them for wanting their parent’s love and approval. Just accept that your relationship with your parents is yours and try to keep it separate from sibling relationships.

Accept the Reality of the Situation

You’ll also feel better if you accept that you may not get as much support and approval from parents as you want, and that’s okay. If you don’t come at them from a place of need, you will actually have more personal power.

Invest In Your Own Family

Finally, if you have a committed relationship or family of your own, you can focus on providing that which you’d like to be getting from your family of origin. Focus on what you share with them, and on what you can provide to yourself in your own life, and you’ll be better able to accept familial quirks.

Get Additional Support If Needed

Given that there can be lasting negative effects of parental favoritism and sibling rivalry that last into adulthood if you feel significant stress from this situation and you feel you need extra support in managing this stress, don’t be afraid to reach out to a professional.

There are many qualifiedtherapistswho deal with family-of-origin issues like these, and they can help quite a bit with the stress. You can also adopt general stress management habits to lessen theoverall stress loadand make it easier to cope.

Talk to your doctor if you feel like you need help coping with relationship stress or consult a mental health professional in your area.

Understanding Oldest Child Syndrome and How It Shapes Childhood Development

6 SourcesVerywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Whiteman SD, McHale SM, Soli A.Theoretical perspectives on sibling relationships.J Fam Theory Rev. 2011;3(2):124-139. doi:10.1111/j.1756-2589.2011.00087.xJensen AC, Whiteman SD, Fingerman KL, Birditt KS.“Life still isn’t fair”: parental differential treatment of young adult siblings.J Marriage Fam. 2013;75(2):438-452. doi: 10.1111/jomf.12002Pillemer K, Suitor JJ, Pardo S, Henderson C.Mothers’ differentiation and depressive symptoms among adult children.Journal of Marriage and Family. 2010;72(2):333-345. doi:10.1111/j.1741-3737.2010.00703.xCon G, Suitor JJ, Rurka M, Gilligan M.Adult children’s perceptions of maternal favoritism during caregiving: comparisons between Turkey and the United States.Res Aging. 2019;41(2):139-163. doi:10.1177/0164027518785407Pillemer K, Munsch CL, Fuller-Rowell T, Riffin C, Suitor JJ.Ambivalence toward adult children: differences between mothers and fathers.J Marriage Fam. 2012;74(5):1101-1113. doi:10.1111/j.1741-3737.2012.01004.xStocker CM, Gilligan M, Klopack ET, et al.Sibling relationships in older adulthood: Links with loneliness and well-being.J Fam Psychol. 2020;34(2):175-185. doi:10.1037/fam0000586

6 Sources

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Whiteman SD, McHale SM, Soli A.Theoretical perspectives on sibling relationships.J Fam Theory Rev. 2011;3(2):124-139. doi:10.1111/j.1756-2589.2011.00087.xJensen AC, Whiteman SD, Fingerman KL, Birditt KS.“Life still isn’t fair”: parental differential treatment of young adult siblings.J Marriage Fam. 2013;75(2):438-452. doi: 10.1111/jomf.12002Pillemer K, Suitor JJ, Pardo S, Henderson C.Mothers’ differentiation and depressive symptoms among adult children.Journal of Marriage and Family. 2010;72(2):333-345. doi:10.1111/j.1741-3737.2010.00703.xCon G, Suitor JJ, Rurka M, Gilligan M.Adult children’s perceptions of maternal favoritism during caregiving: comparisons between Turkey and the United States.Res Aging. 2019;41(2):139-163. doi:10.1177/0164027518785407Pillemer K, Munsch CL, Fuller-Rowell T, Riffin C, Suitor JJ.Ambivalence toward adult children: differences between mothers and fathers.J Marriage Fam. 2012;74(5):1101-1113. doi:10.1111/j.1741-3737.2012.01004.xStocker CM, Gilligan M, Klopack ET, et al.Sibling relationships in older adulthood: Links with loneliness and well-being.J Fam Psychol. 2020;34(2):175-185. doi:10.1037/fam0000586

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.

Whiteman SD, McHale SM, Soli A.Theoretical perspectives on sibling relationships.J Fam Theory Rev. 2011;3(2):124-139. doi:10.1111/j.1756-2589.2011.00087.xJensen AC, Whiteman SD, Fingerman KL, Birditt KS.“Life still isn’t fair”: parental differential treatment of young adult siblings.J Marriage Fam. 2013;75(2):438-452. doi: 10.1111/jomf.12002Pillemer K, Suitor JJ, Pardo S, Henderson C.Mothers’ differentiation and depressive symptoms among adult children.Journal of Marriage and Family. 2010;72(2):333-345. doi:10.1111/j.1741-3737.2010.00703.xCon G, Suitor JJ, Rurka M, Gilligan M.Adult children’s perceptions of maternal favoritism during caregiving: comparisons between Turkey and the United States.Res Aging. 2019;41(2):139-163. doi:10.1177/0164027518785407Pillemer K, Munsch CL, Fuller-Rowell T, Riffin C, Suitor JJ.Ambivalence toward adult children: differences between mothers and fathers.J Marriage Fam. 2012;74(5):1101-1113. doi:10.1111/j.1741-3737.2012.01004.xStocker CM, Gilligan M, Klopack ET, et al.Sibling relationships in older adulthood: Links with loneliness and well-being.J Fam Psychol. 2020;34(2):175-185. doi:10.1037/fam0000586

Whiteman SD, McHale SM, Soli A.Theoretical perspectives on sibling relationships.J Fam Theory Rev. 2011;3(2):124-139. doi:10.1111/j.1756-2589.2011.00087.x

Jensen AC, Whiteman SD, Fingerman KL, Birditt KS.“Life still isn’t fair”: parental differential treatment of young adult siblings.J Marriage Fam. 2013;75(2):438-452. doi: 10.1111/jomf.12002

Pillemer K, Suitor JJ, Pardo S, Henderson C.Mothers’ differentiation and depressive symptoms among adult children.Journal of Marriage and Family. 2010;72(2):333-345. doi:10.1111/j.1741-3737.2010.00703.x

Con G, Suitor JJ, Rurka M, Gilligan M.Adult children’s perceptions of maternal favoritism during caregiving: comparisons between Turkey and the United States.Res Aging. 2019;41(2):139-163. doi:10.1177/0164027518785407

Pillemer K, Munsch CL, Fuller-Rowell T, Riffin C, Suitor JJ.Ambivalence toward adult children: differences between mothers and fathers.J Marriage Fam. 2012;74(5):1101-1113. doi:10.1111/j.1741-3737.2012.01004.x

Stocker CM, Gilligan M, Klopack ET, et al.Sibling relationships in older adulthood: Links with loneliness and well-being.J Fam Psychol. 2020;34(2):175-185. doi:10.1037/fam0000586

Meet Our Review Board

Share Feedback

Was this page helpful?Thanks for your feedback!What is your feedback?HelpfulReport an ErrorOtherSubmit

Was this page helpful?

Thanks for your feedback!

What is your feedback?HelpfulReport an ErrorOtherSubmit

What is your feedback?