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Setting and maintaining healthy boundaries is necessary for two individuals in a relationship to grow. Without appropriate boundaries, a relationship will eventually crumble and quickly becometoxic.
Partners need to communicate what they want and don’t want from early on in the relationship. Some boundaries are communicated head-on (“I want a monogamous relationship”), while others are developed on a trial-and-error basis.
Setting boundaries in relationships involves clearly and directly communicating your needs. It’s important to respect others’ boundaries in return. While compromise is good where possible, don’t sacrifice your personal values, space, or emotional health. If needed, renegotiate boundaries in your relationships.
In essence, it comes down to: what is mine? What is yours? What is ours? What is public?
Yourboundariesare your values, and therefore, some of them will be non-negotiable. However, not all boundaries should be rigid – compromise and adaptation are key ingredients in a healthy relationship.
So, how do you know what’s fixed and what’s fluid? How can you meet your partner where they are while protecting your values and well-being?
To set and maintain healthy boundaries in relationships, it’s important to take responsibility for your boundaries, figure out what they are, and understand the importance of negotiation and shared values.
So, before we delve into how to set and maintain boundaries, let’s cover these fundamentals first.
General Rules
1. Understand That Your Boundaries Are Your Responsibility
The first step in establishing boundaries is to understand that they are necessary, healthy, and your responsibility.
The line you draw around yourself – your limits and rules – helps you to know yourself, build self-worth, improve your mental health, and enjoy relationships.
We’re often too focused on wanting to change the other person rather than thinking about what role we play in the relationship.
In life and relationships, everyone is responsible for their own:
Once you’re clear on this, setting and maintaining boundaries is much easier.
2. In a Relationship, You Come Together as Two Separate Parts
In a healthy relationship, two “wholes” unite to complement each other and bring together their unique perspectives, abilities, experiences, and beliefs.
As the relationship expert Esther Perel said, “It is a core task of all relationships to negotiate the boundaries of separateness and togetherness.”
Separateness means you and the other person are autonomous individuals. You’re not there to complete each other – that’s your/their work. That means, each person is responsible for working on their insecurities and challenges and must take ownership of their feelings, behaviors, and choices.
The element of togetherness means you come together to share a connection and experiences and to support each other without enabling unhealthy behaviors.
So, the process of setting and maintaining boundaries is about negotiating how you can best come together as two separate individuals with a shared interest: your relationship.
3. Cultivate Shared Values
Everyone has different values and, therefore, also different boundaries. But when you come together, there are certain values that you should both share to maintain a healthy relationship.
What is important for both of you to feel good in the relationship?
These values mean you are standing for everything that will allow your relationship to grow and blossom and standing against anything that would destroy it.
Setting Boundaries in a Healthy Relationship
Working out boundaries in your relationships is a process that may never reach perfection. The important thing is to understand that relationships are difficult and need constant work.
When both people are active in setting and maintaining their boundaries, communicating honestly and openly, and setting goals together, they and their relationship will grow.
A relationship is mutual and dynamic, and therefore, everyone involved needs to accept and respect the others’ limits. Everyone and every relationship is different, and that’s a good thing!
Certain boundaries are non-negotiable, and in a healthy relationship, those are respected. But in a relationship that is free from abuse,codependency, and immaturity, some boundaries can be more fluid, and there’s more room for compromise and discussion.
The important thing is, you’re both proactive.
If you’re passive in your relationship, it’s unlikely to grow and will eventually run into trouble. That’s why it’s important to be a proactive player in your relationship – take the initiative to solve problems and adapt when you experience a limit.
Step 1: Identify Boundaries
Before you start working on boundaries in your relationships, reflect on what they are.
You might be very clear about who you are and what you want and don’t want. You might find it easy to say no and tell people how you feel.
Many people struggle with this, however, and although they may have heard the term, setting boundaries is new to them.
Some people believe they have strong boundaries because theyavoid relationships and intimacy.
However, it’s more likely that they’re avoiding relationships and intimacy because they don’t know how to set appropriate boundaries.
Step 2: Approach With Care
Think about how to communicate the boundaries lovingly and respectfully.
Avoid storming in and saying, “This is how things are going to be from now on!”
Instead, let them know how you feel and explain your boundary to them – if they understand it, they’re more likely to respect it.
Step 3: Consider Timing
Find a good time to talk things through (i.e., when you both have time and mental capacity).
Sometimes, you might communicate the boundary at the moment, but sometimes, you may want to reflect on things and talk about them later.
Both are fine as long as the communication is respectful.
Step 4: Give Them the Freedom to Say No
In some cases, your partner may not be able to give you what you want (e.g., moving in together).
Fostering honesty and transparency in your relationship means allowing them to say how they feel without you getting angry and giving them the freedom to say no, even if you don’t like the answer.
Compromise and acceptance are important to practice when it comes to certain boundaries. If you can’t find a common ground, it might be time to move on.
Ask the other person: have I crossed your boundaries?
Do you feel I respect your right to say no? Will you let me know if I’ve crossed your boundaries or not respected your freedom?
Step 5: Maintain Your Boundaries
Step 6: Dealing With Boundary Crossing
When someonecrosses your boundaries, it can be annoying, upsetting, frightening, offensive, or distressing, depending on what has happened.
We all overstep the line sometimes and accidentally trespass on people’s boundaries and in these cases, it’s usually not malicious, just careless.
For example, you might have told someone not to call you after 6 pm but they call you at 8 pm. In this case, it should suffice not to pick up the phone and then remind them not to call you after 6 pm. If they do it again, you may need to have a more serious conversation with them.
In other cases, more severe consequences need to be implemented. For example, “If you shout at me, I will leave the room” or “I won’t sleep with you until you get help for your porn addiction.”
Communication is key. You have to let the other person know when they’ve crossed a line – it’s your responsibility to protect your boundaries.
Relationships are about growth and that includes learning that actions have consequences.
You’re doing yourself, your partner, and the relationship a favor if you communicate openly and honestly and hold them (and yourself) accountable.
Setting Boundaries in a Toxic Relationship
Toxic relationships tend to feature a lack of boundaries. Abuse, codependency, andcontrolare examples of unhealthy boundaries.
Therefore, if you’re in a toxic relationship, setting boundaries is probably something you and the other person struggle with.
To establish and maintain boundaries effectively, it’s important that you work on your self-worth, confidence, and attachment insecurities – that’s a responsibility we all have if we want healthy relationships.
In toxic relationships, there’s no more room for discussion and compromise – you have to implement firm and strict boundaries and stay consistent.
Let’s consider boundaries in the context of different issues that lead to toxicity.
Codependency
Codependencymeans you take responsibility for another person’s problems and don’t expect them to take responsibility for their problems.
For example, your partner misuses alcohol and you 1) stay with them despite their continued use 2) give them money or call in sick on their behalf when they’ve been drinking all night 3) you give love, affection, and support but don’t get any in return. In other words, there are no boundaries, and you enable and rescue them.
Abuse and Control
Abuse can be physical, emotional, psychological, sexual, or coercive control. None of these are acceptable and even though it’s not your fault, you must take responsibility for your well-being and implement boundaries.
Abusive relationships are often complex webs ofinsecurity, impulsivity,attachment, andlow self-worththat are not simple to untangle and leave. But you must draw the line.
Infidelity
Setting boundaries after infidelityis essential for rebuilding trust and moving forward in the relationship. Here are some critical steps:
Remember, both partners must commit fully to the boundary-setting process. If the cheating partner resists boundaries or continues violations, seriously reconsider the relationship. Individual and couples counseling can provide vital guidance through this challenging chapter.
The Bottom Line
If you are in a toxic/ abusive relationship in which boundaries are lacking or all over the place, it probably means there’s some self-development work to be done in terms of your self-esteem, confidence, mental health, etc.
Seek the help of your loved ones, find community, and contact a therapist who can help you get started.
Having healthy and fulfilling relationships with others means working on the relationship you have with yourself first.
Setting Boundaries to Reduce Stress
Sometimes we don’t respect our own limits and neglect our well-being because we want to live up to other people’s or society’s expectations.
These are some signs you’re not respecting your boundaries sufficiently:
Prioritize
What’s most important to you? Maybe it’s spending time with your friends and family, work, or your creative projects.
Setting boundaries means you get to do more of what you love and value and less of what you don’t want to do.
Communicate
Other people won’t know what your boundaries are unless you tell them.
If you say yes, they’ll assume you want to. The resentment or frustration you experience as a result of having said yes when you meant no is in your control – learn to say no when you mean no.
If it’s difficult for you, start small and say things like “I’m not sure yet, I’ll let you know” so you have time to contemplate. Be firm, don’t make big excuse – just be honest.
The Benefit
At first, setting boundaries can be a bit stressful if you’re not used to it. But over time, you will feel a weight lift off your shoulders and feel more at ease and relaxed.
Boundaries allow you to have healthier relationships with others and yourself. Remember that the people who don’t like your boundaries are the ones who benefit from you not having any.
Saul McLeod, PhD
BSc (Hons) Psychology, MRes, PhD, University of Manchester
Saul McLeod, PhD., is a qualified psychology teacher with over 18 years of experience in further and higher education. He has been published in peer-reviewed journals, including the Journal of Clinical Psychology.
Olivia Guy-Evans, MSc
BSc (Hons) Psychology, MSc Psychology of Education
Olivia Guy-Evans is a writer and associate editor for Simply Psychology. She has previously worked in healthcare and educational sectors.
Anna DrescherMental Health WriterBSc (Hons), Psychology, Goldsmiths University, MSc in Psychotherapy, University of QueenslandAnna Drescher is a freelance writer and solution-focused hypnotherapist, specializing in CBT and meditation. Using insights from her experience working as an NHS Assistant Clinical Psychologist and Recovery Officer, along with her Master’s degree in Psychotherapy, she lends deep empathy and profound understanding to her mental health and relationships writing.
Anna DrescherMental Health WriterBSc (Hons), Psychology, Goldsmiths University, MSc in Psychotherapy, University of Queensland
Anna Drescher
Mental Health Writer
BSc (Hons), Psychology, Goldsmiths University, MSc in Psychotherapy, University of Queensland
Anna Drescher is a freelance writer and solution-focused hypnotherapist, specializing in CBT and meditation. Using insights from her experience working as an NHS Assistant Clinical Psychologist and Recovery Officer, along with her Master’s degree in Psychotherapy, she lends deep empathy and profound understanding to her mental health and relationships writing.
