Table of ContentsView AllTable of ContentsCauses of Emotional PainFactors of DivorceImpact of Emotional HurtsImportance of Communicating EmotionsTips for Saving Your RelationshipAdvice From Relationship ExpertsSeeking Professional Help
Table of ContentsView All
View All
Table of Contents
Causes of Emotional Pain
Factors of Divorce
Impact of Emotional Hurts
Importance of Communicating Emotions
Tips for Saving Your Relationship
Advice From Relationship Experts
Seeking Professional Help
Close
If you or a loved one are a victim of domestic violence, contact theNational Domestic Violence Hotlineat1-800-799-7233for confidential assistance from trained advocates.
For more mental health resources, see ourNational Helpline Database.
For some people, their marriage is a source of joy and happiness. For others, the relationship they have with their spouse brings about feelings of emotional hurt and pain.
If your marriage hurts you emotionally and you want to save it, it can be helpful to understand what’s behind the hurt and how it impacts your life. Communicating how you feel canmake your relationship better. In some cases, a professional may be needed to assist with this process.
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Causes of Emotional Pain in a Marriage
Emotional pain in a marriage relationship can be unintentional or it may be a direct result of a partner’s intentional actions.
Unintentional Hurts
What hurts one person emotionally won’t necessarily hurt another. However, here are some ways that marriage partners might hurt one another without meaning to cause emotional pain:
Intentional Hurts
Intentional hurts are when you hurt your spouse, you know you are doing it, and you continue to do it. These hurts might be inflicted in the midst of an argument, during a clash with each other, or as a result of a misunderstanding.
An example of intentional hurt is if you decide to watch porn even though you know it causes your spouse distress. Other ways that one might intentionally damage their marriage include:
Most Common Factors of Divorce
The divorce rate has been declining since 2012 in the U.S., with a 10% reduction in divorces between 2019 and 2020 alone.This is good news if you’re intent on saving your marriage as this trend shows that it is increasingly possible.
Still, some partners do decide to call it quits. Some of the most common reasons cited for pursuing a divorce include:
The way you communicate during conflict can predict your likelihood of divorce. The four communication styles often leading to a relationship’s demise—referred to asthe Four Horsemen—are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.
For many, divorce is a result of issues that build up over time. Then, something happens that pushes them to decide that the marriage is over. There is a “final straw” that breaks the relationship, with some of the most common “final straws” being:
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Impact of Emotional Hurts on a Marriage
Emotional hurt can show up in a relationship in a variety of ways. When these hurts (and their subsequent impacts) are not addressed, it can lead to divorce. If ahurtoccurs in a person’s marriage, they might:
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Importance of Communicating Your Emotions With Your Spouse
InCourage to Love…When Your Marriage Hurts, author Gerald Foley explains that communication is important for each of the marriage partners. Foley states, in part, “The one who is hurt and the one who did the hurting both need healing.”
When you don’texpress your feelings, the hurt can continue to grow. Yet, being able to express negative emotions is associated with better relationship outcomes. Specifically, it is linked to eliciting more support and a heightened sense of closeness and intimacy.
Tips for Communicating/Resolving Conflict in Your Marriage
If you feel hurt in your marriage, the first step is to discover the cause. What is your partner doing (or not doing) that is hurting you emotionally? Once you identify the reasons behind your hurt, talk about them with your partner. If you don’t, it can lead to emotional withdrawal, causing you and your spouse to drift apart.
During this conversation, hold each other’s hands. Research has found that this one simple action can help increase a person’s feelings of comfort, also reducing the emotional pain felt when recalling the experience at a later point in time.
If you’re having a difficult time putting your hurt into words, here is a list offeeling wordsto help you get started in sharing how you feel:
Additional Advice From Relationship Experts
Some relationship experts offer helpful advice for saving your relationship when your marriage hurts. For instance, inStrengthening Your Marriage, H. Wallace Goddard and Kathleen Rodgers suggest that you:
InThe 4 Seasons of Marriage: Secrets to a Lasting Marriage,author Gary Chapman shares a few more strategies for enhancing your marriage. They are:
If you’re unable to resolve your emotional hurt on your own, find a professional to help.Couples therapycan help you address and solve the issues that are causing hurt within your marriage relationship.
Several types of couples therapy exist, ranging fromemotionally focused therapy(EFT), which seeks to understand and change the things that make you feel disconnected, topsychodynamic couple’s therapy, which strives to help you better understand each other through exploring your hopes and fears.
The type of therapy that offers the best results can vary depending on the issues at hand. If infertility is an issue, for instance, research has found that EFT can helpimprove marital commitmentwhile decreasing couple burnout.A therapist can help determine the best therapeutic approach for you.
Get Help NowWe’ve tried, tested, and written unbiased reviews of thebest online therapy programsincluding Talkspace, BetterHelp, and ReGain. Find out which option is the best for you.
Get Help Now
We’ve tried, tested, and written unbiased reviews of thebest online therapy programsincluding Talkspace, BetterHelp, and ReGain. Find out which option is the best for you.
A Word From Verywell
Emotional hurt sometimes occurs in a marriage. But if this hurt occurs on a regular basis or is intentional, it can damage the relationship, sometimes even leading to divorce. One way to avoid divorce and save your marriage is to learn how to communicate your emotions to your spouse.
If you find communicating with your spouse difficult, or you struggle to resolve your conflicts, a therapist can help. Several types of couples therapy exist, enabling you to find the one that is best suited for your situation and needs.
11 Sources
Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.
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Marino FA.Divorce rate in the U.S.: Geographic variation, 2021.
Scott SB, Rhoades GK, Stanly SM, Allen ES, Markman HJ.Reasons for divorce and recollections of premarital intervention: Implications for improving relationship education.Couple Family Psychol. 2013;2(2):131-145. doi:10.1037/a0032025
Lisitsa E.The Four Horsemen: Criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. The Gottman Institute.
Foley G.Courage to Love…When Your Marriage Hurts.
Hershfield HE, Scheibe S, Sims TL, Carstensen LL.When feeling bad can be good: mixed emotions benefit physical health across adulthood.Soc Psychol Personal Sci. 2013;4(1):54–61. doi:10.1177/1948550612444616
Sahi RS, Dieffenbach MC, Gan S, et al.The comfort in touch: Immediate and lasting effects of handholding on emotional pain.PLoS One. 2021;16(2):e0246753. doi:10.1371/journal.pone.0246753
The University of Tennessee Agricultural Extension Service.Strengthening Your Marriage.
Chapman G.The Four Seasons of Marriage.
Sayadi M, Tazik SS, Madani Y, Lavasani MG.Effectiveness of emotionally focused couple therapy on marital commitment and couple burnout in infertile couples.J Educ Community Health. 2017;4(3):26-37. doi:10.21859/jech.4.3.26
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