Recognizing and Responding to a Backhanded Compliment

Table of ContentsView AllTable of ContentsWas That Just a Backhanded Compliment?Why Do People Give Backhanded Compliments?Responding to a Backhanded Compliment

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Table of Contents

Was That Just a Backhanded Compliment?

Why Do People Give Backhanded Compliments?

Responding to a Backhanded Compliment

When someone gives you a compliment, it makes you feel good. A backhanded compliment, however, can have the opposite effect.

“A backhanded compliment, also known as a left-handed compliment or a double-edged compliment, is a statement that appears to have positive connotations on the surface but also contains a subtle insult orcriticism. They are intended to appear as an expression of praise at face value, but the underlying meaning is often insincere or mocking,” explains Jessica Alderson, Co-Founder, and Relationship Expert atSo Syncd.

It can be hard to recognize a backhanded compliment, especially if it’s delivered in a way that appears helpful or genuine. You may not realize it’s a backhanded compliment because of what’s said, but you’ll be able to acknowledge the way it makes you feel.

We’ll talk about recognizing a backhanded compliment, how it can affect you, and how to respond if it happens to you.

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Experts say that the way a person receives a backhanded compliment can largely depend upon their own feelings andvulnerabilities. For Alderson, words directed at her became a term of endearment.

“A guy I dated used to call me ‘cabbage patch kid,’ referencing the cute-but-odd-looking dolls of the ‘80s. He told me that when I smiled, I looked ‘cute but funny, like a cabbage patch doll’,” she states. While the words ultimately made her smile, that’s not often the impact of words with a hint of insult.

“[A] personal backhanded comment I received [was], ‘Wow Jordan, I didn’t know you could get so many great couples to work with you!’ At first, this feels like a direct complement. Rather, this has a lingering residue of an insult,” explains Jordan Marks, MFT,Mind-Body Healing Center.

If someone says something to you in a complimentary way but it’s off-putting, there are signs you can look for to determine if you were just given a backhanded compliment.

“You can tell someone is giving you a backhanded compliment because of how the compliment makes you feel. Initially, you may smile upon hearing the compliment, but that smile may turn to a frown quickly as you realize that the compliment was not entirely positive,” states Nicole Moore, Relationship Expert atLove Works.

Other examples of backhanded compliments include:

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Research shows that people who are on the receiving end of a backhanded compliment see it as a putdown.The person behind the putdown is often battling issues of their own.

“Typically, a backhandedcomplimenttells you that the person who is giving you the backhanded compliment has some hidden jealousy,aggression, or competitiveness with you. The person giving the compliment may feelinsecureon the inside, so they need to tear others down to feel better about themselves,” Moore notes.

The person behind the putdown is often battling issues of their own.

A person may also give backhanded compliments as apassive-aggressiveway to make a point, instead of directly confronting a situation.

Not all backhanded compliments are negative. For some people, not knowing what to say or trying to fill a quiet space can lead to saying something they wouldn’t normally say.

“Some individuals may give backhanded compliments unintentionally due to a lack of tact or poorcommunication skills. They may not realize the negative impact of their words, or they might be trying to make a joke without realizing that it could come off as offensive,” Alderson explains.

No matter the reason for the offhanded remarks, knowing how to respond to them is key.

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“The approach you choose will depend on your ownpersonality, the context, and the relationship between yourself and the speaker. Ultimately, any of these strategies can be a productive way to respond to a backhanded compliment. The key is to take the time to assess the situation and figure out which course of action best meets your needs in a given situation,” Alderson concludes.

How Do I Stop Saying Hurtful Things I Don’t Mean?

1 SourceVerywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Sezer, Ovul, Alison Wood Brooks, and Michael I. Norton.“Backhanded Compliments: How Negative Comparisons Undermine Flattery.“Harvard Business School Working Paper, No. 18-082, February 2018.

1 Source

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Sezer, Ovul, Alison Wood Brooks, and Michael I. Norton.“Backhanded Compliments: How Negative Comparisons Undermine Flattery.“Harvard Business School Working Paper, No. 18-082, February 2018.

Sezer, Ovul, Alison Wood Brooks, and Michael I. Norton.“Backhanded Compliments: How Negative Comparisons Undermine Flattery.“Harvard Business School Working Paper, No. 18-082, February 2018.

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