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Key TakeawaysFriends appreciate us reaching out to them more than we expect, according to new research.It’s particularly appreciated when they’re surprised to hear from us—perhaps if we haven’t spoken to them for a while or if we aren’t close friends.Socializing with others presents numerous mental health benefits for both parties.

Key Takeaways

Friends appreciate us reaching out to them more than we expect, according to new research.It’s particularly appreciated when they’re surprised to hear from us—perhaps if we haven’t spoken to them for a while or if we aren’t close friends.Socializing with others presents numerous mental health benefits for both parties.

Reaching out to friends and making an effort in this way—particularly with those we haven’t spoken to in a while—can have a larger positive impact than we might think, new research has suggested.

However, in a new study, authorPeggy J. Liu, PhD, the Ben L. Fryrear Chair in Marketing at the University of Pittsburgh Katz Graduate School of Business, found that we have a tendency to underestimate just how much people appreciate it when friends reach out to them.

People Appreciate Messages and Gifts From Friends

In the second part of the study, participants on a college campus wrote notes and sent gifts to classmates they’d not spoken to for a while. The senders guessed how much the recipients would appreciate the gifts and notes.

The recipients then took part in the study themselves, revealing how much they appreciated the gestures. Again, the senders underestimated the appreciation of the recipients.

Elena Touroni, PhDConnection is a basic human need. Besides our basic survival needs like food, shelter, and water, we need to feel a sense of belonging.

Elena Touroni, PhD

Connection is a basic human need. Besides our basic survival needs like food, shelter, and water, we need to feel a sense of belonging.

For Gift Giving, Research Shows It’s the Thought That Counts

The Benefits of Reaching Out

When we get intooften lonelyroutines of doing the same work, eating the same food, and doing the same activities day after day, a surprise message or gift from a friend you’ve not spoken to recently or not expecting to hear from can be a great boost.

“We have a fundamental need to have personal, meaningful connection, so when people reach out to others this starts a biochemical reaction of hormones and neurotransmitters such as oxytocin (bonding and resilience), dopamine (reward and motivation), endorphins (feel good and pain relief) and DHEA (anti-aging),” saysRachel Taylor, PhD, neuropsychologist and founder ofUNBroken.

“Mix all that together with fond memories and nostalgia and you will be building a nice pot of cognitive reserve which enables psychological and physical wellbeing,” says Taylor.

Why do we tend to underestimate how much other people will enjoy hearing from us? “Some people may be anxious about not getting the right response or feeling like a nuisance,” saysElena Touroni, PhD, a consultant psychologist and founder ofThe Chelsea Psychology Clinic. “But it could also just be because we find it hard to put ourselves in another person’s shoes. Messages can be fleeting and so it’s easy to forget how good we felt when we heard from someone.”

One thing the study doesn’t explore—though it is mentioned as a potential future research area—are occasions when reaching out to somebody might be received negatively or neutrally, rather than positively.

For example, if somebody was to reach out to an acquaintance with a gift that might have romantic connotations, and the impacts that this might have on their relationship. Hence, simple messages and gifts appear to be received most positively.

How to Reconnect With An Old Friend Without Making It Awkward

How Socializing Helps Us

While this is just one survey of predominantly young adults in a college environment, there is a wealth of evidence to suggest that socializing with friends and even strangers has various mental health benefits—whether you’re the one reaching out or the one being reached out to.

“Connection is a basic human need,” explains Dr. Touroni, “Besides our basic survival needs like food, shelter, and water, we need to feel a sense of belonging. This served an evolutionary function—being part of a tribe was key to our survival. Connecting with others has been linked to lower anxiety and depression,improved self-esteem, and even immunity. And so the need to connect is an essential component of being human.”

Hana Patel, MBBS, Bsc, MScThere is evidence linking perceived social isolation with health consequences…Being socially isolated is a highly negative and painful social experience for people.

Hana Patel, MBBS, Bsc, MSc

There is evidence linking perceived social isolation with health consequences…Being socially isolated is a highly negative and painful social experience for people.

One 2021 study indicated that we enjoy conversations with strangers more than we might expect to,while other studies have suggested that maintainingfriendshipsas we age can help stave off cognitive decline,with social isolation having negative effects on both mental and physical health.

“There is evidence linking perceived social isolation with health consequences including depression, poor sleep quality, quicker cognitive decline,poor cardiovascular function, and impaired immunity at every stage of life. Being socially isolated is a highly negative and painful social experience for people,” explainsHana Patel, MBBS BSc MSc(Med Ed), a general practitioner and mental health coach.

Finding the time to check in with friends can be tricky, but if you’re able to do so from time to time you might find that you both end up getting a mental boost, as Dr. Touroni explains, “Connection is a two-way street. Whether we’re the person doing the reaching out or we’re on the receiving end, we’re likely to feel the benefits.”

What This Means For You

How and Why You Should Maintain Friendships

3 SourcesVerywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Liu PJ, Rim S, Min L, Min KE.The surprise of reaching out: Appreciated more than we think. J Pers Soc Psychol. 2022. doi:10.1037/pspi0000402Kardas M, Kumar A, Epley, N.Overly shallow?: Miscalibrated expectations create a barrier to deeper conversation.J Pers Soc Psychol. 2022;122(3): 367-398. doi:10.1037/pspa0000281Cook Maher A, Kielb S, Loyer E, et al.Psychological well-being in elderly adults with extraordinary episodic memory. Allen P, ed.PLoS ONE. 2017;12(10):e0186413. doi:10.1371/journal.pone.0186413

3 Sources

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Liu PJ, Rim S, Min L, Min KE.The surprise of reaching out: Appreciated more than we think. J Pers Soc Psychol. 2022. doi:10.1037/pspi0000402Kardas M, Kumar A, Epley, N.Overly shallow?: Miscalibrated expectations create a barrier to deeper conversation.J Pers Soc Psychol. 2022;122(3): 367-398. doi:10.1037/pspa0000281Cook Maher A, Kielb S, Loyer E, et al.Psychological well-being in elderly adults with extraordinary episodic memory. Allen P, ed.PLoS ONE. 2017;12(10):e0186413. doi:10.1371/journal.pone.0186413

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.

Liu PJ, Rim S, Min L, Min KE.The surprise of reaching out: Appreciated more than we think. J Pers Soc Psychol. 2022. doi:10.1037/pspi0000402Kardas M, Kumar A, Epley, N.Overly shallow?: Miscalibrated expectations create a barrier to deeper conversation.J Pers Soc Psychol. 2022;122(3): 367-398. doi:10.1037/pspa0000281Cook Maher A, Kielb S, Loyer E, et al.Psychological well-being in elderly adults with extraordinary episodic memory. Allen P, ed.PLoS ONE. 2017;12(10):e0186413. doi:10.1371/journal.pone.0186413

Liu PJ, Rim S, Min L, Min KE.The surprise of reaching out: Appreciated more than we think. J Pers Soc Psychol. 2022. doi:10.1037/pspi0000402

Kardas M, Kumar A, Epley, N.Overly shallow?: Miscalibrated expectations create a barrier to deeper conversation.J Pers Soc Psychol. 2022;122(3): 367-398. doi:10.1037/pspa0000281

Cook Maher A, Kielb S, Loyer E, et al.Psychological well-being in elderly adults with extraordinary episodic memory. Allen P, ed.PLoS ONE. 2017;12(10):e0186413. doi:10.1371/journal.pone.0186413

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