Table of ContentsView AllTable of ContentsWhat Are the Benefits of Parallel Parenting?Are There Any Drawbacks to Parallel Parenting?Create a Parenting Plan That Works for EveryoneMinimizing Communication Can Be HelpfulHow Parallel Parenting Impacts ChildrenAre There Any Legal Concerns to Think About?

Table of ContentsView All

View All

Table of Contents

What Are the Benefits of Parallel Parenting?

Are There Any Drawbacks to Parallel Parenting?

Create a Parenting Plan That Works for Everyone

Minimizing Communication Can Be Helpful

How Parallel Parenting Impacts Children

Are There Any Legal Concerns to Think About?

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When a couple with dependent childrendivorce, how do they parent their children? It’ll depend on the particular couple’s circumstances—some people can have extremely amicable relationships with their child’s other parent, while others prefer as little contact as possible.

For some parents, parallel parenting is an option. This involves both parents interacting with each other as little as they can, while both sharing custody and maintaining relationships with their child.

For some parents, it may be a permanent solution. For others, it can be a temporary fix while they settle their differences. But, how does parallel parenting work, and how does it affect the children themselves? Let’s take a closer look.

​​Co-Parenting: What It Is and How to Make It Work

Parallel parenting allows children to have both of their parents in their lives, even if their parents don’t get on with each other.

Studies have shown that when children spend around half their time with each parent, they can expect the best outcomes—joint custody is best where possible.This remains the case even where one parent disagrees with joint custody, or the parents are in conflict with each other.

Joint Custody Is Better for Kids

The benefits of joint custody include:

Parallel Parenting Is Good for Parents Who Are Prone to Arguing

Parallel parenting can work if the parents are likely to argue when in more frequent contact with each other. Research has indicated that children often blame themselves or feel like they’ve failed when their parents stay in conflict post-divorce, while some children will side with one parent.Parallel parenting, even if just in the short term, can be a solution.

While parallel parenting can suit parents in some circumstances, there can be some challenges.

The Parents Involved May Have Different Parenting Styles Which Can Cause Confusion

According toAmy Mezulis, PhD, co-founder and chief clinical officer atJoon, “The main challenges with parallel parenting are inconsistency inparenting styles; potential for conflict; and handling unexpected schedule changes."

“It can be difficult for children to have different parenting styles across homes, for example in terms of bedtimes, rules, chores, or expectations. Some children can flexibly adapt, but other children may have increases inbehavioral or emotional problemswhen switching between vastly different environments.”

Amy Mezulis, PhD, Licensed PsychologistThe main challenges with parallel parenting are inconsistency in parenting styles; potential for conflict; and handling unexpected schedule changes.

Amy Mezulis, PhD, Licensed Psychologist

The main challenges with parallel parenting are inconsistency in parenting styles; potential for conflict; and handling unexpected schedule changes.

Jackson explains that parents in this sort of situation may find it difficult to beopen-mindedor objective about it. It exposes the children to conflict, and “even if there are no explicit arguments, there are implicit communication behaviors that the parents display which children are very sensitive in noticing, and this affects them negatively.”

What’s Your Parenting Style?

This fast and freeparenting styles quizcan help you analyze the methods you’re using to parent your kids and whether or not it may be a good idea to learn some new parenting behaviors:

Negative Behaviors That Parents May Display

Some of the behaviors that children may pick up on their parents displaying include:

Create a plan, and treat it like a business agreement—do your best to stick to it for the benefit of your children.

Things to Include in a Parallel Parenting PlanFigure out when each parent will be caring for the children: Maybe one parent keeps the kids from Sunday to Thursday and the other parent has them from Thursday night to Sunday morning.Determine where the kids will be dropped off: Will there be a halfway point or will the children be dropped off at each parent’s home?Think about holidays, birthdays, and vacations: Will you decide to celebrate together or separately?Consider what happens if one parent is sick or stuck at work: How will unexpected job and health demands be handled? Can someone else step in?Make a financial plan: Split up finances and make sure all parties stick to the agreed-upon budget.Discipline strategies: Will parents discuss any issues that arise? For instance, if a child gets in trouble at school, will the other parent be informed?Introducing children to a new partner: Discuss how and when children should be introduced to new partners. Do the parents want to interact together first? Will the other parent get to approve/disprove a new partner?

Things to Include in a Parallel Parenting Plan

Figure out when each parent will be caring for the children: Maybe one parent keeps the kids from Sunday to Thursday and the other parent has them from Thursday night to Sunday morning.Determine where the kids will be dropped off: Will there be a halfway point or will the children be dropped off at each parent’s home?Think about holidays, birthdays, and vacations: Will you decide to celebrate together or separately?Consider what happens if one parent is sick or stuck at work: How will unexpected job and health demands be handled? Can someone else step in?Make a financial plan: Split up finances and make sure all parties stick to the agreed-upon budget.Discipline strategies: Will parents discuss any issues that arise? For instance, if a child gets in trouble at school, will the other parent be informed?Introducing children to a new partner: Discuss how and when children should be introduced to new partners. Do the parents want to interact together first? Will the other parent get to approve/disprove a new partner?

Put your child first, and remember that they’re their own person. They might not agree with you about your former partner or spouse, and they may prefer some of the rules at their other parent’s house.

And, as tempting as it might be at times, don’t butt in while your children are with their other parent. Even if there’s something you disagree with—unless you’re concerned about abuse or neglect, of course—the other parent is well within their rights to parent as they see fit.

What Is Reunification Therapy?

Communicating with your child’s other parent might be the last thing you feel like doing, but it’s necessary for parenting them. And for the best, most productive results, there are things you can try.

As difficult as it might be, try to forgive your former partner—after all, even if they weren’t a great partner, husband, or wife, they might still be a great parent.

Don’t communicate excessively, demand too much, or be overly harsh. And, try not to lash out if there’s a rude comment, as difficult as it might be. In short, explains Jackson, “Put your children’s needs first. Always consider what’s best for them, and what they need.

“Manage your own physiological states, upset, and anger in a way that does not expose your children to your outburst.”

She recommends talking through things with a trusted adult or a therapist when your children aren’t present. And, as difficult as it might be, try to forgive your former partner—after all, even if they weren’t a great partner, husband, or wife, they might still be a great parent.

Try to Get Along in Front of Your Children

When you do communicate, make sure you’re on the same page. Particularly in front of the children, do your best to present a united front so your children know that they can’t play you off against each other. And be friendly, or at least civil, with a positive tone, andpositive body language, as children will pick up on it.

Another suggestion Jackson has is to explore co-parenting communication options. She proposes ideas like communication over text, via phone, sharing an online calendar, or using a co-parenting app. Or, perhaps speaking in person is best, as nothing can get misconstrued.

The Importance of Mindful Communication for Mental Health

If parents can’t co-parent in such a way that puts their children’s needs first, there can be a negative effect on them. The children may be at higher risk for mental health conditions like anxiety and depression, as well asbehavioral difficultiesand difficulties in relationships.

But, says Dr. Mezulis, when parallel parenting is done well it “allows children to know what to expect across a week or month in terms of parenting”—this consistency reduces anxiety in children. “Most importantly,” says Dr. Mezulis, “It allows children to maintain strong relationships with both parents.”

Post-Divorce Trauma and PTSD

It’s crucial to consider the legal aspects of parallel parenting. When you have joint legal custody of your child with your former partner or spouse, you may have to adhere to a court-ordered schedule, and so you may need to communicate with them at least to organize dropping off and picking up your children.

With joint legal custody, both parents are jointly responsible for making decisions that affect their children, with equal status when it comes to deciding things like schooling, religion, and medical treatment.

However, day-to-day decisions—like what to feed the children for lunch, for example, or when to set bedtimes—will be left to the discretion of the parent currently caring for the children. When parallel parenting, however, some parents may be inclined to argue with each other over minor decisions.

What This Means For YouIt’s a fact of life that co-parenting won’t always be easy, and you won’t always be best friends with former partners or spouses, whether you have children together or not.But can parallel parenting actually work? While it can, says Jackson, “there needs to be a degree of working together. This means both parents need to talk to each other and cooperate in their strategies.“If the parents aren’t able to do this, the children can end up becoming triangulated—being involved in parental disputes and even forming an alliance with one against the other—between their parents. This can affect their emotional and psychological well-being.

What This Means For You

It’s a fact of life that co-parenting won’t always be easy, and you won’t always be best friends with former partners or spouses, whether you have children together or not.But can parallel parenting actually work? While it can, says Jackson, “there needs to be a degree of working together. This means both parents need to talk to each other and cooperate in their strategies.“If the parents aren’t able to do this, the children can end up becoming triangulated—being involved in parental disputes and even forming an alliance with one against the other—between their parents. This can affect their emotional and psychological well-being.

It’s a fact of life that co-parenting won’t always be easy, and you won’t always be best friends with former partners or spouses, whether you have children together or not.

But can parallel parenting actually work? While it can, says Jackson, “there needs to be a degree of working together. This means both parents need to talk to each other and cooperate in their strategies.”

If the parents aren’t able to do this, the children can end up becoming triangulated—being involved in parental disputes and even forming an alliance with one against the other—between their parents. This can affect their emotional and psychological well-being.

Coping With the Stress Children Add to a Marriage

3 SourcesVerywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Steinbach A, Augustijn L, Corkadi G.Joint physical custody and adolescents’ life satisfaction in 37 North American and European countries.Fam Proc. 2021;60(1):145-158. doi:10.1111/famp.12536Baude A, Drapeau S, Lachance V, Ivers H.Adjustment of children in joint custody and associated variables: A systematic review.Journal of Child Custody. 2019;16(4):313-338. doi:10.1080/15379418.2019.1691106Stahl, Philip. (2010).Parallel parenting for high conflict families.

3 Sources

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Steinbach A, Augustijn L, Corkadi G.Joint physical custody and adolescents’ life satisfaction in 37 North American and European countries.Fam Proc. 2021;60(1):145-158. doi:10.1111/famp.12536Baude A, Drapeau S, Lachance V, Ivers H.Adjustment of children in joint custody and associated variables: A systematic review.Journal of Child Custody. 2019;16(4):313-338. doi:10.1080/15379418.2019.1691106Stahl, Philip. (2010).Parallel parenting for high conflict families.

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.

Steinbach A, Augustijn L, Corkadi G.Joint physical custody and adolescents’ life satisfaction in 37 North American and European countries.Fam Proc. 2021;60(1):145-158. doi:10.1111/famp.12536Baude A, Drapeau S, Lachance V, Ivers H.Adjustment of children in joint custody and associated variables: A systematic review.Journal of Child Custody. 2019;16(4):313-338. doi:10.1080/15379418.2019.1691106Stahl, Philip. (2010).Parallel parenting for high conflict families.

Steinbach A, Augustijn L, Corkadi G.Joint physical custody and adolescents’ life satisfaction in 37 North American and European countries.Fam Proc. 2021;60(1):145-158. doi:10.1111/famp.12536

Baude A, Drapeau S, Lachance V, Ivers H.Adjustment of children in joint custody and associated variables: A systematic review.Journal of Child Custody. 2019;16(4):313-338. doi:10.1080/15379418.2019.1691106

Stahl, Philip. (2010).Parallel parenting for high conflict families.

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