Table of ContentsView AllTable of ContentsEmotional and Psychological EffectsWhat is the Link Between Infertility and Relationship Stress?What the Stress of Infertility Looks LikeStrategies and Coping MechanismsResources and Help for Couples Facing InfertilityThe Bottom Line
Table of ContentsView All
View All
Table of Contents
Emotional and Psychological Effects
What is the Link Between Infertility and Relationship Stress?
What the Stress of Infertility Looks Like
Strategies and Coping Mechanisms
Resources and Help for Couples Facing Infertility
The Bottom Line
Close
Having kids is a big decision, but once you finally make that choice with confidence there’s nothing worse than feeling like you can’t bring that dream to fruition—or feel like your body isn’t doing what it was built to do.
Infertility, which is defined as an inability to get pregnant after 12 months of actively trying, is more common than you might realize, affecting about 1 in 8 couples. Anyone who’s experienced it will tell you that infertility is so much more than a medical issue. It has profound impacts on a person’s mental health andidentity. Living with infertility can lead to strong feelings of loss, grief, shame, and depression.
But infertility doesn’t just affect folks on an individual level. It touches both members of the couple. Many couples feel isolated from other couples and experience collective feelings ofshameand stigma about their inability to conceive.This can lead to considerable strain within the relationships and can impact communication, trust,resilience, and more.
It’s bad enough that infertility itself can be so painful, but when your relationship becomes strained as well, it can be extremely distressing. We get it and are here to help. We reached out to two mental health professionals who work with expectant parents to discuss the impacts of infertility on couples and how to cope.
Common Marriage Problems and Solutions
Before we look at the profound impacts infertility can have on relationships, it’s important to consider how infertility affects each member of the couple. These mental health impacts tend to spill over into the relationship itself.
Common Feelings Caused By InfertilityConstant thoughts about getting pregnantDecreased self-esteemIdentityissuesFeeling like your life is out of your controlFeelings of inadequacyFeelings of failure
Common Feelings Caused By Infertility
Constant thoughts about getting pregnantDecreased self-esteemIdentityissuesFeeling like your life is out of your controlFeelings of inadequacyFeelings of failure
Besides these challenging and charged emotions, people who are experiencing infertility may be especially prone to mental health issues. For example, research has found that about 40% of women experiencing infertility have clinical depression or anxiety.There are fewer studies out there about how infertility affects men’s mental health but a study from 2023 found that 14% to 23% of infertile men experience depression.
Symptoms of Clinical Depression
While not every couple experiences significant strain while dealing with infertility—and sometimes infertility can actually bring couples together—it’s quite common for infertility to strain relationships.
One reason for this is that couples may cope quite differently with their feelings about the fertility issues they are experiencing, says Goldberg. “For instance, one partner may have the attitude of whatever it takes, even if that means very costly IVF cycles over and over, while the other partner may feel that putting their life on pause for possibly years for an unknown outcome isn’t worth it,” she describes.
Becca Reed, LCSW
These types of differences can lead to misaligned expectations and immense pressure between the two members of the couple, Goldberg says. In addition, the member of the couple who is found to be the source of the infertility may experiencefears of abandonmentand concerns about feeling less desired.
“Overall, the emotional toll of infertility can lead to increased conflict, decreased intimacy, and feelings of isolation within the relationship,” says Goldberg.
The Importance of Intimacy in a Relationship and How to Cultivate It
There are several ways that infertility can strain relationships. Here’s what our experts said:
Communication Becomes Tense
Often, when a couple is experiencing infertility, communication becomes strained. At times, communication may evenshut downaltogether as the couple moves through difficult feelings. There’s also often a sense that the other partner doesn’t understand your feelings, says Goldberg.
Sometimes, there’s truth to the idea that a partner simply can’tempathizewith what you are going through, Goldberg notes. “For example, if the female partner is undergoing all the very invasive treatments (which is the case in the majority of instances), then even with a partner who genuinely desires to understand, they likely cannot fully empathize as they are not the one on the table with their legs open repeatedly, getting pricked and prodded,” she describes.
Why Communication In Relationships Is So Important
Misunderstandings
Misunderstandings are common as couples navigate fertility issues. “Misunderstandingscan result from one partner feeling blamed or perceived as less invested,” Goldberg says.
The person undergoing more fertility testing and treatment might feel like their partner is less invested in the outcome than they are, or vice versa. The person who is diagnosed with a fertility problem may feel like their partner is blaming them for what they are going through together as a couple.
Decision Fatigue
Another factor that can put a huge strain on relationships isdecision fatigue. There are just so many decisions to make when it comes to fertility treatments and couples may argue about them. They may also just feel exhausted and burned out from making so many difficult decisions.
“Decision-making regarding fertility treatments, especially given the very hefty price tag that insurance rarely covers, is an added stress that can seep into relationship difficulties,” Goldberg remarks.
No Room For Other Experiences
Dealing with infertility can become completely all-encompassing, says Goldberg. It can leave “little room for other aspects of the relationship, creating disconnection,” she describes.
Other aspects of your relationship you used to enjoy, such as sex or spending time out socially, may be impacted, or may diminish altogether.
Too Much Focus on Fertility
It’s not just what you do together as a couple that can change, even the types of conversations you have can change too. “The challenges related to infertility can feel like a wall between partners,” Reed says. “You might find all your talks circling back to fertility treatments leaving little room for the laughs and shared moments that used to lighten your days.”
Identifying and Overcoming Emotional Detachment
Dealing with infertility as a couple is hard, period. But there is hope. Simply recognizing how you are feeling, individually and as a couple, is a great first step.
Tips For Nurturing Your Relationships During Infertility
Goldberg shared her top practical tips for nurturing your relationship as you navigate infertility:
How Empathic Listening Can Build Deeper Connections in Your Life
Here’s maybe the most important advice: You don’t have to do this alone. There is support out there for both individuals and couples dealing with the stress of infertility.
Support Groups
Joining an infertilitysupport groupfor couples can be hugely helpful. You may be able to find one through your local fertility clinic, or through a therapist who specializes in infertility and holds support groups for couples.
“One of the most helpful resources for showing grace to oneself is joining a support group of others experiencing infertility,” says Goldberg. It can also be helpful to find a friend or two who has struggled similarly and connect with them, she adds.
Therapy
Therapyis one of the most helpful ways to manage the strain that infertility can place on couples, Reed says. “It offers a neutral and welcoming space to unload some of those heavy feelings and fears,” she explains. “It’s a place to learn new ways to communicate and support each other while also finding strategies to cope with the ups and downs of fertility treatments.”
Partners may find it helpful to enter couples therapy to work on communication and manage the ways that infertility has affected their relationship. “A therapist specializing in infertility can help normalize all the feelings each of them is experiencing and help educate them on things they may not know yet,” Goldberg describes. “It is a place where couples can process grief,resentments, and find constructive ways to support each other.”
The Best Online Therapy ProgramsWe’ve tried, tested and written unbiased reviews of the best online therapy programs including Talkspace, Betterhelp, and Regain.
Without a doubt, infertility is challenging—not just on each person, but on the couple who is going through it together. You can’t underestimate the impact it might have on your relationships. If you are experiencing some heavy impacts as a couple, you are far from alone. This stuff is hard!
You can get through this—we promise. But you don’t have to go through this on your own. Please reach out for support—from your physician, therapist, or a trusted friend—to help you navigate the chopping waters of infertility as a couple.
What to Do If You Disagree With Your Partner About Having Kids
6 Sources
Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.
American Psychiatric Association.Infertility: The Impact of Stress and Mental Health.
Sharma A, Shrivastava D.Psychological Problems Related to Infertility.Cureus. 2022;14(10):e30320. doi:10.7759/cureus.30320
Kiani Z, Fakari FR, Hakimzadeh A, et al.Prevalence of depression in infertile men: a systematic review and meta-analysis.BMC Public Health.2023;23:1972. doi:10.1186/s12889-023-16865-4
Bal Z, Uçar T.The effect of cognitive behavioural therapy and eye movement desensitization and reprocessing techniques on infertile women: a randomized controlled trial.Reprod Biomed Online. 2024;48(2):103612.
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