Navigating the Challenges of Eldest Daughter Syndrome

Table of ContentsView AllTable of ContentsUnderstanding Eldest Daughter SyndromeThe Psychological ImpactCultural and Societal FactorsBreaking the CyclePersonal Experiences

Table of ContentsView All

View All

Table of Contents

Understanding Eldest Daughter Syndrome

The Psychological Impact

Cultural and Societal Factors

Breaking the Cycle

Personal Experiences

Close

Eldest daughter syndrome is a colloquial term used to describe the complex experience of being the eldest female-identifying child. If you are a big sister or the oldest girl in your family, you probably already have a sense of what we’re talking about.

This experience stems frombirth-order dynamicsthat tend to occur in families; in this case, eldest daughters are often given outsized responsibility for caregiving, household responsibilities, and emotional labor. Eldest daughters often assume these duties at an early age, a burden that can shape personality, behaviors, relationships, and well-being throughout childhood, adolescence, and adulthood.

According toSan Francisco therapistDr. Avigail Lev, the dynamics within a family depend on factors such as the number of siblings. Suppose she is put into a parentified role where she has to mother, nurture, or take responsibility for these younger siblings. In that case, it can have a significant impact on her relationship and interactions with them.

At a GlanceEldest daughter syndrome may not be a formally recognized term, but it’s an experience that is familiar to many girls and women. This role often comes with burdens and challenges that can have a lasting effect on behavior, relationships, and emotional well-being. Keep reading to learn more about why first-born daughters often become ‘parents in training’ and the complex ways this can affect relationship dynamics.

At a Glance

Eldest daughter syndrome may not be a formally recognized term, but it’s an experience that is familiar to many girls and women. This role often comes with burdens and challenges that can have a lasting effect on behavior, relationships, and emotional well-being. Keep reading to learn more about why first-born daughters often become ‘parents in training’ and the complex ways this can affect relationship dynamics.

“The eldest daughter or eldest siblings, in general, are kind of like the ‘test’ siblings because they are the first child. The next child gets better treatment, benefiting from the learnings from the first child,” Dr. Lev says.

This two-fold threat means eldest daughters often face incredibly high expectations from family members. These daughters are expected to set the ‘gold standard’ example that other siblings will follow. They also experience parentification from an early age, where they are expected to take responsibility for their younger siblings, acting almost as a defacto parent when mom or dad aren’t around.

From setting a good example for siblings to follow to being expected to step into a parental role at a moment’s notice, eldest daughters often grapple with responsibilities far beyond their years and developmentally appropriate abilities.

Parentificationis a phenomenon in which children are forced to assume roles similar to those of an adult or parent long before they are developmentally prepared for such responsibilities.

This creates enormous pressure to succeed, contribute to the family’s success, and ensure everyone is cared for, happy, and content.

Understanding Oldest Child Syndrome and How It Shapes Childhood Development

Scientific Evidence of Eldest Daughter Syndrome

Adrenal puberty involves changes such as the growth of body hair and certain aspects of cognitive maturation without other aspects of puberty, like breast development and menstruation. The study found that adrenal puberty was more common in eldest daughters whose mothers experienced high levels of prenatal stress.

The researchers suggest that such early maturation enables eldest daughters to help their mothers raise subsequent children.

Being the eldest daughter in the family can come with additionalemotional stress. Research has shown that parentification is associated with a range of negative consequences, including increased anxiety, depression, eating disorders, and personality disorders. While it can help children become more efficient in terms of task management and school achievement, this can contribute to problems like compulsive overwork.

The eldest daughter usually has the most expectations or responsibilities placed on her, feeling pressured to succeed, achieve, or take care of the family. They’re more likely to feel shame and guilt but also tend to be more independent.—AVIGAIL LEV, PSYD

The eldest daughter usually has the most expectations or responsibilities placed on her, feeling pressured to succeed, achieve, or take care of the family. They’re more likely to feel shame and guilt but also tend to be more independent.

—AVIGAIL LEV, PSYD

Girls who experience eldest daughter syndrome may face challenges with:

Perfectionism

Research suggests that first-born children tend to have more advanced cognitive development, which may help them become more prepared for school.This can be advantageous, but it can also contribute to high expectations andperfectionism.

Eldest daughters may experience tremendous pressure to meet their parents' and other family members' high expectations. This can lead to high achievement, but it can also contribute to high levels of perfectionism that can damage mental well-being.

Anxiety

This tendency toward perfectionism combined with the high level of responsibility that eldest daughters are given can become a recipe foranxietyandstress. Trying to fulfill many roles, take on too many tasks, and meet everyone’s expectations can cause the eldest daughters to feel overwhelmed.

Identity Challenges

Relationship Problems

Dr. Lev notes that sibling relationships can vary depending on the siblings' gender. With younger brothers, there is often less competition and less resentment. Relationships with younger sisters may be more complicated, she notes.

“Usually, with two female daughters, the younger sibling is more carefree and confident, while the older sibling tends to be more responsible, more successful, and sees the family dynamics more accurately than the younger siblings,” Dr. Lev says.

The parentification that eldest daughters experience within their own families can carry over to later adult relationships, including romantic relationships and friendships. It isn’t uncommon for eldest daughters to take on a similar role of responsibility within their friend groups or with their partners.

This can make it hard for them to assert their own boundaries, and they may find themselves drawn to people whorely on them for support and care.

Self-Esteem

High expectations and perfectionism often leave eldest daughters feeling like nothing they do is good enough. This can have a damaging effect onself-conceptandself-esteem.

Lack of Support

Eldest daughters often find themselves tasked with solving problems and caring for others on their own. Because they always feel like they need to be strong andself-reliant, they may struggle to ask for help when they need it. This can create feelings of isolation andlonelinessand make it hard for people to get the support that they need.

Eldest daughters need to find a way to balance their own needs with the family’s needs. But this isn’t always easy, particularly when you’ve been conditioned to take on more responsibility.

Unless they learn to find a balance between these competing demands, girls and women may find themselves struggling with feelings of guilt, anxiety, poor boundaries, and excessive pressure.

Cultural and societal norms can also contribute to eldest daughter syndrome. Cultural norms may dictate that elder siblings fulfill certain roles in the family, particularly when those children are girls.

These norms also intersect with traditional gender roles and expectations. Because stereotypical norms suggest that women and girls are nurturing caregivers, eldest daughters are often tasked with living up to these roles.

Social and economic inequities also impact eldest daughters in various ways. When families face economic hardships, the oldest daughter may need to work to provide financial support or give up other opportunities to care for siblings while her parents work. These inequalities can impact other areas of her life, including access to education, work advancement, and healthcare.

Eldest daughters from marginalized backgrounds also face the compound effects of parentification,discrimination, andsystemic barriersthat further harm their opportunities and access to resources.

Dr. Lev explains that the single most important thing you can do to cope with being the eldest daughter is to let go of the need to have your family see your reality. “If you’re in the villain role in the family, see if you can just accept it and not try to change the family system’s perspective,” she says.

“The eldest daughter usually views the family system very differently if she has siblings. The younger siblings tend to idealize the parents and see the better parts of the parents and the family system. The eldest daughter needs to let go of any desire to shape the perspective or get them to see reality,” she explains.

Other strategies that Lev suggests include the following:

Learn Assertiveness Skills and Develop Strong Boundaries

Because eldest daughters are often conditioned to take responsibility for others, it’s important to create strongboundariesand learn how to assert one’s needs when such lines are crossed.

Dr. Lev notes that eldest daughters are sometimes more susceptible to getting into relationships with people who are needy, codependent, or who push her into a caretaker role.

“She needs to have very good boundaries, assert her needs, and stand up for herself,” she says.

However, eldest daughters should be patient with themselves if they struggle with this process. This is because they’ve learned to feel loved through this parentified role and may feel a lot of guilt setting boundaries because they have grown up believing they are responsible for the duties they were assigned.

Differentiate Between Independence and Excessive Self-Reliance

The sense of independence you might have gained as the eldest daughter can be a strength, but it can become a hindrance if it leads to your becoming so self-reliant that you cannot ask for or accept help when needed.

Consider situations where you might be taking on too much and look for opportunities to get help and nurturing from others instead of being the one always to give it, Dr. Lev says.

Practicing Self-Compassion and Self-Care

Dr. Lev also recommends strategies like practicingself-compassionandloving-kindness meditations. This can be a powerful tool for learning to give yourself the sort of kindness, compassion, and care that you might not have received as a child.

Other self-care strategies that can help:Dr. Lev also recommends learning:Nonviolent communicationSelf-compassion toolsEmotional regulation skillsMindfulness exercises

Other self-care strategies that can help:

Dr. Lev also recommends learning:Nonviolent communicationSelf-compassion toolsEmotional regulation skillsMindfulness exercises

Dr. Lev also recommends learning:

Consider Therapy

If you are struggling with the effects of eldest daughter syndrome, consider talking to a licensed mental health professional. Psychotherapy can be a great way to process your experiences and develop new coping skills to improve your behaviors, thinking, emotions, and relationships.

“Learning tools fromschema therapyto reparent herself and heal herinner childinvolves giving herself the things she was not given as a child and learning to meet the needs that were not met,” Dr. Lev says.

The Best Online Therapy ProgramsWe’ve tried, tested and written unbiased reviews of the best online therapy programs including Talkspace, Betterhelp, and Regain.

Personal Stories and Perspectives on Eldest Daughter Syndrome

Kristen Jacobsen, LCPC, a licensed therapist and owner ofCathartic Space Counseling, has personal experience with the heavy toll that being the oldest daughter can bring. She notes that as the eldest daughter in her family, there was constant pressure to set the right example, put her sibling’s needs before her own, and act as the mediator in disputes.

Kristen Jacobsen, LCPCWhile this nurtured a sense of responsibility and empathy, it also left little room for vulnerability or personal struggles. I found myself adopting a ‘strong facade,’ even when I felt overwhelmed.

Kristen Jacobsen, LCPC

While this nurtured a sense of responsibility and empathy, it also left little room for vulnerability or personal struggles. I found myself adopting a ‘strong facade,’ even when I felt overwhelmed.

In her own life, she noticed that this early conditioning led topeople-pleasing tendencies. “In friendships and romantic relationships, I’d automatically assume the role of the listener, the supporter, always ready to offer advice or a shoulder to lean on, sometimes forgetting that it’s a two-way street,” she explains.

For Jessica Plonchak (LCSW, MBA, LCADC), the Executive Clinical Director atChoicePoint Health, being the eldest daughter meantguilt tripsand a prevailing feeling of being insufficient.

In addition to protecting and caring for younger siblings, she also describes the need to protect parents from seeing these struggles. Plonchak explains that this often means needing your parents but feeling like you can’t ask for help because they are busy tending to the needs of younger siblings. This can create an upside-down dynamic, where you feel you can’t express discontent with the situation or allow parents to see your struggles for fear of hurting them.

Jessica Plonchak(LCSW, MBA, LCADC)As the eldest daughter, I am always looking for ways to make sure that my parent’s needs are put above mine, no matter what emotional turmoil I am going through myself.

Jessica Plonchak(LCSW, MBA, LCADC)

As the eldest daughter, I am always looking for ways to make sure that my parent’s needs are put above mine, no matter what emotional turmoil I am going through myself.

The emotional burdens of being the eldest daughter can interact with other aspects of identity for women and girls from marginalized backgrounds. OneTikTok creatornoted the challenges of being the eldest daughter in an African household. The result, she notes, was becoming “a chronic people pleaser who takes on more than they can handle.”

Is Middle Child Syndrome Real?

Keep in Mind

It’s important to remember that every family is unique. Being the eldest daughter can also create strengths, includingautonomy,resilience, and the ability to take charge when needed. The key is to establish healthy boundaries, take time to care for yourself, and don’t shy away from asking for a helping hand when you need it.

3 SourcesVerywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Borchet J, Lewandowska-Walter A, Połomski P, Peplińska A, Hooper LM.The relations among types of parentification, school achievement, and quality of life in early adolescence: An exploratory study.Front Psychol. 2021;12:635171. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2021.635171Fox MM, Hahn-Holbrook J, Sandman CA, Marino JA, Glynn LM, Davis EP. Mothers’ prenatal distress accelerates adrenal pubertal development in daughters. Psychoneuroendocrinology. 2024;160:106671. doi:10.1016/j.psyneuen.2023.106671Luo R, Song L, Chiu I.A closer look at the birth order effect on early cognitive and school readiness development in diverse contexts.Frontiers in Psychology. 2022;13. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2022.871837

3 Sources

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Borchet J, Lewandowska-Walter A, Połomski P, Peplińska A, Hooper LM.The relations among types of parentification, school achievement, and quality of life in early adolescence: An exploratory study.Front Psychol. 2021;12:635171. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2021.635171Fox MM, Hahn-Holbrook J, Sandman CA, Marino JA, Glynn LM, Davis EP. Mothers’ prenatal distress accelerates adrenal pubertal development in daughters. Psychoneuroendocrinology. 2024;160:106671. doi:10.1016/j.psyneuen.2023.106671Luo R, Song L, Chiu I.A closer look at the birth order effect on early cognitive and school readiness development in diverse contexts.Frontiers in Psychology. 2022;13. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2022.871837

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.

Borchet J, Lewandowska-Walter A, Połomski P, Peplińska A, Hooper LM.The relations among types of parentification, school achievement, and quality of life in early adolescence: An exploratory study.Front Psychol. 2021;12:635171. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2021.635171Fox MM, Hahn-Holbrook J, Sandman CA, Marino JA, Glynn LM, Davis EP. Mothers’ prenatal distress accelerates adrenal pubertal development in daughters. Psychoneuroendocrinology. 2024;160:106671. doi:10.1016/j.psyneuen.2023.106671Luo R, Song L, Chiu I.A closer look at the birth order effect on early cognitive and school readiness development in diverse contexts.Frontiers in Psychology. 2022;13. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2022.871837

Borchet J, Lewandowska-Walter A, Połomski P, Peplińska A, Hooper LM.The relations among types of parentification, school achievement, and quality of life in early adolescence: An exploratory study.Front Psychol. 2021;12:635171. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2021.635171

Fox MM, Hahn-Holbrook J, Sandman CA, Marino JA, Glynn LM, Davis EP. Mothers’ prenatal distress accelerates adrenal pubertal development in daughters. Psychoneuroendocrinology. 2024;160:106671. doi:10.1016/j.psyneuen.2023.106671

Luo R, Song L, Chiu I.A closer look at the birth order effect on early cognitive and school readiness development in diverse contexts.Frontiers in Psychology. 2022;13. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2022.871837

Meet Our Review Board

Share Feedback

Was this page helpful?Thanks for your feedback!What is your feedback?HelpfulReport an ErrorOtherSubmit

Was this page helpful?

Thanks for your feedback!

What is your feedback?HelpfulReport an ErrorOtherSubmit

What is your feedback?