Navigating Dinner Table Topics Starts with Healthy Boundaries

Table of ContentsTable of ContentsExpandDefine Your Comfort ZoneYour Boundaries Don’t Need JustificationEstablish ConsequencesBring SupportHave Constructive DiscussionsIt’s OK Not to EngageBe an Ally to Vulnerable GroupsRest and RechargeView All

Table of ContentsExpandDefine Your Comfort ZoneYour Boundaries Don’t Need JustificationEstablish ConsequencesBring SupportHave Constructive DiscussionsIt’s OK Not to EngageBe an Ally to Vulnerable GroupsRest and RechargeView All

Table of ContentsExpandDefine Your Comfort ZoneYour Boundaries Don’t Need JustificationEstablish ConsequencesBring SupportHave Constructive DiscussionsIt’s OK Not to EngageBe an Ally to Vulnerable GroupsRest and Recharge

Table of ContentsExpand

Expand

Define Your Comfort Zone

Your Boundaries Don’t Need Justification

Establish Consequences

Bring Support

Have Constructive Discussions

It’s OK Not to Engage

Be an Ally to Vulnerable Groups

Rest and Recharge

View All

With the holiday season approaching, large family gatherings can mean bringing together a mix of political and religious beliefs that don’t always blend well. For some, it might also bring an onslaught of questions about your personal life from distant relatives that you just don’t want to answer. Family reunions like this can be a great opportunity to reconnect with relatives you don’t get to see often—but it can also be difficult.

Studies show thatstrained family relationships—especially when arguments, criticism, or demands are frequent—can create enough stress to damage a person’s mental and physical health, including impaired immune function, increased risk for cardiovascular problems, and an increased risk for depression.

If you’re bracing for a more difficult reunion, here are some strategies forsetting boundaries to protect your mental healthand prevent conversations from escalating into conflicts.

Before you arrive, take some time to decide what is on and off the table, so to speak. What topics are you comfortable discussing? What questions are you willing to answer? What topics are absolutely off-limits for you? Going in with a clear sense of what your boundaries are will make it a lot simpler to clarify and enforce them in the moment.

When someone asks for additional information you’re not comfortable giving or just keeps pushing an issue you don’t want to get into, all you have to say is, “I’m not comfortable talking about that.” You don’t have to convince the person of your discomfort or justify your refusal to talk about something.

Just state clearly that you aren’t going to discuss it and repeat that statement as often as you need to for the person to hear you and accept it. No excuses or persuasive arguments are necessary.

Sometimes, you have that relative who simply will notrespect your boundaries, no matter how clearly you state them and how firmly you hold to them. “You put up a boundary, that’s in your control. What is not in your control, is if they respect that boundary,” Jeshanah “Nikki” Siangio explained.

A board-certified behavior analyst (BCBA) and Youth Director of Riverside Pride, Siangio helps schools and workplaces create more inclusive, safe, and culturally responsive spaces for students and professionals.

You put up a boundary, that’s in your control. What is not in your control, is if they respect that boundary.—JESHANAH “NIKKI” SIANGIO

You put up a boundary, that’s in your control. What is not in your control, is if they respect that boundary.

—JESHANAH “NIKKI” SIANGIO

In situations where your boundaries aren’t being respected, you need to show that there are consequences for overstepping them.

“[Give] a consequence that you are committed to following through with, such as, ‘If or when I hear any of you ask ‘Who’s the man in the relationship?’, we won’t be answering that.’ Or ‘If I hear any of you say “You’re pretty for a Black girl,” we are leaving because that’s not appropriate,’” Siangio advised.

Many times boundaries are about the person taking action—like removing themselves from the situation, changing the conversation, or choosing not to respond to questions asked. When this isn’t enough, then the person can be more vocal about what they don’t want, and what they will do if it continues.

Come up with consequences that you’re confident you can follow through with. That means meeting yourself where you’re at. If you struggle with insecurity or still feel that gnawing pressure to people-please or keep the peace, you might not be ready to get up from the dinner and go home—but maybe you could manage to leave the house to take a walk around the block or pick up your dinner plate and go sit at the kids’ table.

The consequence doesn’t have to be big or dramatic to work. It just has to be real.

How to Deal With Difficult Family Members

“It is possible to stick to your boundaries alone,” Siangio says. “But with a healthy support system, it can be a lot easier.”

“Even to this day I have a hard time confronting my mom over certain things and I saw that the best way to work through that is for my wife to keep me accountable," Siangio says, “not for my wife to confront her for me, but for her to prompt me into having a conversation and [help] me to deescalate.”

While it might not seem like simply having someone there with you would make much of a difference, research shows thatsocial supporthas a strong stress-buffering effect. Even when that support doesn’t directly affect the amount of stress an individual experiences, simply having that support makes them more resilient and better equipped to get through stressful events.

Just knowing you’re not doing this alone has been shown to decrease symptoms of depression and anxiety.

If there’s a chance you could find yourself in a situation where you’re singled out in a room where no one is on your side, bring your partner or a friend with you. This person can back you up as you try to establish boundaries and serve as a reminder that you’re not out of line or rude for wanting to protect your mental health.

For best results, tell your friend ahead of time what kind of issues you anticipate and work together to figure out how they can best support you through them.

Even to this day I have a hard time confronting my mom over certain things and I saw that the best way to work through that is for my wife to keep me accountable.—JESHANAH “NIKKI” SIANGIO

Even to this day I have a hard time confronting my mom over certain things and I saw that the best way to work through that is for my wife to keep me accountable.

Dealing With No Support from Family When You’re Depressed

Turn Heated Debates Into Constructive Discussions

Family gatherings bring in a mixture of political beliefs and some of those beliefs can verge on bigoted or insensitive.

Here are some tips for de-escalating an argument and trying to turn it into a constructive learning opportunity:

Tips for Dealing With Awkward Conversations

It’s OK Not to Engage If You Feel Unsafe

Standing up for what you believe inis a noble and courageous thing to do, but not at the expense of your own safety. For LGBTQ+ folks going home to an intolerant andhomophobicfamily gathering, for example,outing yourselfor even just standing up for LGBTQ+ rights could make you the target of bitter and abusive reactions. If your mental or physical health is at risk, it’s OK to choose not to engage.

If you are seeking support for issues with coming out, relationships, bullying, self-harm, and more, contact theLGBT National Hotlineat1-888-843-4564for one-to-one peer support.For more mental health resources, see ourNational Helpline Database.

If you are seeking support for issues with coming out, relationships, bullying, self-harm, and more, contact theLGBT National Hotlineat1-888-843-4564for one-to-one peer support.

For more mental health resources, see ourNational Helpline Database.

You may not change the speaker’s mind, but your courage in confronting those things could inspire others at that table and could open the door to new perspectives for someone who might not have really thought about the issue in depth before.

If your racist uncle says something racist and everyone lets it slide, it sets a precedent that that was an acceptable thing to say. Calling it out might never change your uncle’s mind, but for the kids who might be listening, you’re ensuring that they don’t grow up believing those intolerant views are above scrutiny.

That courage to be an ally can have an even more profound impact on closeted family members. Challenging a homophobic comment can show your cousin who’s scared to come out that they have at least one ally in the family. You could end up being the support system someone needs to embrace who they are.

Make a Plan to Rest and Recharge After

A day of constantly having your boundaries tested can wear out even the strongest people so it’s important to make time and space to recover after the fact. To make sure you actually do that, it helps to have an actual plan.

For the more introverted folks out there, that might mean clearing your schedule the next day so you can treat yourself to a good breakfast and a few hours of reading a book at your favorite café.

For extroverts, that might look like inviting your cool cousin out for a drink and debriefing after dinner. The important thing is to plan an activity that will help you release any tension that builds up during the family dinner.

Tips for Dealing With Family Conflict

3 SourcesVerywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Thomas PA, Liu H, Umberson D.Family relationships and well-being.Innovation in Aging. 2017;1(3):igx025. doi:10.1093/geroni/igx025Deegan A, Dunne S.An investigation into the relationship between social support, stress, and psychological well‐being in farmers.Journal Community Psychology. 2022;50(7):3054-3069. doi:10.1002/jcop.22814Chambi-Martínez CAA, Moraga-Escobar EI, Peralta-Jiménez GA, et al.Social support, stress and emotional symptoms among lgbtq+ college students in chile.International Journal of Sexual Health. 2022;34(2):277-290. doi:10.1080/19317611.2021.2014014

3 Sources

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Thomas PA, Liu H, Umberson D.Family relationships and well-being.Innovation in Aging. 2017;1(3):igx025. doi:10.1093/geroni/igx025Deegan A, Dunne S.An investigation into the relationship between social support, stress, and psychological well‐being in farmers.Journal Community Psychology. 2022;50(7):3054-3069. doi:10.1002/jcop.22814Chambi-Martínez CAA, Moraga-Escobar EI, Peralta-Jiménez GA, et al.Social support, stress and emotional symptoms among lgbtq+ college students in chile.International Journal of Sexual Health. 2022;34(2):277-290. doi:10.1080/19317611.2021.2014014

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.

Thomas PA, Liu H, Umberson D.Family relationships and well-being.Innovation in Aging. 2017;1(3):igx025. doi:10.1093/geroni/igx025Deegan A, Dunne S.An investigation into the relationship between social support, stress, and psychological well‐being in farmers.Journal Community Psychology. 2022;50(7):3054-3069. doi:10.1002/jcop.22814Chambi-Martínez CAA, Moraga-Escobar EI, Peralta-Jiménez GA, et al.Social support, stress and emotional symptoms among lgbtq+ college students in chile.International Journal of Sexual Health. 2022;34(2):277-290. doi:10.1080/19317611.2021.2014014

Thomas PA, Liu H, Umberson D.Family relationships and well-being.Innovation in Aging. 2017;1(3):igx025. doi:10.1093/geroni/igx025

Deegan A, Dunne S.An investigation into the relationship between social support, stress, and psychological well‐being in farmers.Journal Community Psychology. 2022;50(7):3054-3069. doi:10.1002/jcop.22814

Chambi-Martínez CAA, Moraga-Escobar EI, Peralta-Jiménez GA, et al.Social support, stress and emotional symptoms among lgbtq+ college students in chile.International Journal of Sexual Health. 2022;34(2):277-290. doi:10.1080/19317611.2021.2014014

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