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narcissistic
However, the dynamic is often imbalanced. The narcissistic individual will seek constant attention, validation, and control, while showing little regard for their partner’s emotional well-being and autonomy.
These behaviors are particularly pronounced when the narcissist’s ego is challenged, or they fear being abandoned or rejected.
Narcissistic relationships can be emotionally draining and psychologically damaging for the partner involved. The constant push-pull, emotional rollercoaster, and manipulation can negatively impact the partner’s self-esteem, mental health, and overall well-being.
Recognizing the signs of a narcissistic relationship andunderstanding its dynamicsis crucial for individuals to protect themselves and make informed decisions about their relationships.
Signs
Cycle of Idealization and Devaluation
At the beginning of the relationship, known as the idealization phase, the narcissistic individual may appear charming and attentive, showering you with affection and admiration.
They will put you on a pedestal and make you feel like you’re the most important person in their world. This is designed to draw you in and create a strong emotional bond.
However, as the relationship progresses, the narcissist’s behavior will shift dramatically, and they may start to criticize, belittle, or even emotionally abuse you. This devaluation can be confusing and hurtful, leaving you wondering what you did wrong to prompt such a change.
The cycle doesn’t usually stop at devaluation. After a period of devaluing, the narcissist might return to the idealization phase, repeating the pattern.
Excessive Self-Centeredness
Narcissists thrive on being the center of attention. They often have an inflated view of their own importance, believing that they are unique, exceptional, and deserving of special treatment.
When interacting with a narcissistic individual, you might notice that conversations tend to revolve around them. They might interrupt or redirect discussions to share their own stories, accomplishments, or opinions, often disregarding what you were saying.
Or, they may engage in attention-seeking behaviors to ensure they’re the center of focus, such as boasting about their achievements, exaggerating their stories to garner more interest, or adopting a flashy and showy demeanor.
Constant Need for Admiration and Validation
Narcissists have an insatiable craving for praise, admiration, and recognition to boost their fragile self-esteem. This need often drives their behaviors and interactions in relationships.
External validation serves as a foundation for their self-worth. They rely heavily on others’ opinions and praise to feel good about themselves, and as a result, they may constantly seek reassurance, compliments, and approval.
Due to their need for constant validation, narcissists may feel entitled to special treatment. They expect others to cater to their desires and accommodate their demands without question.
The need for constant admiration can make narcissists prioritize their own desires over building deep, meaningful connections. Their relationships often revolve around what others can do for them rather than genuine mutual understanding.
Lack of Empathy
Narcissists have a limited capacity for empathy. They struggle to genuinely understand and connect with the emotions and experiences of others, making it challenging for them to consider your feelings, needs, or viewpoints.
They might show little genuine interest in your thoughts, feelings, or experiences, and instead demand constant praise, admiration, and attention for their own accomplishments.
Overly Sensitive to Criticism
While they crave admiration and attention, narcissists are extremely sensitive to criticism.
They may react strongly to any form of feedback that challenges their self-perceived greatness, becoming defensive, dismissive, or even hostile.
Some researchershave theorized that narcissists actually suffer from low self-esteem, which makes them hyper-sensitive to criticism.
As a result, they have an insatiable need for attention and validation to feed their self-esteem and protect their fragile ego.
Others theorize,however, that narcissists do not have low self-esteems, but rather they become defensive when criticized because they truly believe they are perfect and superior to all others.
Manipulating and Controlling Others
They may engage in gaslighting, guilt-tripping, or triangulation, among other tactics, to exploit your emotions and give them greater control over your life.
Narcissists may also use affection and approval as rewards for conforming to their desires. They give you attention when you comply with their wishes but withdraw it when you express independence or disagreement.
Under the influence of a manipulative narcissist, you might feel like you’re losing your sense of self. They may dictate your decisions, preferences, and even aspects of your identity.
Isolation
A narcissist might try to isolate you from friends and family, leaving you more vulnerable and dependent on them for support.
By isolating you from your support system, the narcissist creates an environment where you become increasingly reliant on them for emotional validation and companionship. They want you to believe that they are the only ones who truly understand and care about you.
The Impact of Narcissism on Relationships
Narcissism can have a profoundlynegative impact on relationships, often leading to emotional turmoil and discord.
Narcissists tend to focus primarily on their own needs and desires, neglecting their partner’s feelings and wants. Their goal is not to build a deep connection or to have a long-lasting relationship with the other person, but rather to fulfill their own desires for admiration, control, and validation.
For narcissists, relationships are often transactional in nature. They focus on what they can gain from the relationship, whether it’s social status, material possessions, or emotional validation.
As a result of this goal-oriented approach, relationships with narcissists can be emotionally draining and damaging for their partners.
Partners of narcissists often experience a rollercoaster of emotions due to the pattern of idealization and devaluation. The intense charm, in the beginning, gives way to critical behavior, causing partners to question their worth and destabilizing their emotional well-being. This dynamic erodes trust and creates a sense of unpredictability in the relationship.
The impact of narcissism extends beyond emotional strain, affecting mental health as well.
According to the psychotherapist,Christine Louis de Canonville(2019), the consequences of a narcissistic relationship on the victim may include:
How to Cope with a Narcissistic Partner
Coping with a narcissistic partnercan be challenging, but there are strategies you can employ to navigate the situation while prioritizing your well-being.
Most importantly, you must recognize that you cannot change a narcissistic partner’s behavior. You should adjust your expectations and focus on what you can control: your own responses and choices.
It is also important that you stay grounded in reality. Your partner may try to distort reality or gaslight you, but you must trust your own perceptions and rely on friends or professionals to validate your experiences.
“People have to pay close attention to how they feel and instead of doubting how they feel or regretting standing up for themselves.”
Here are some other steps to consider:
Limit Emotional Reactions
One coping strategy is to minimize your interactions and emotional investment in order to protect yourself from the manipulation and emotional turmoil that often come with dealing with a narcissist.
You can adopt the “gray rock” technique, which involves becoming as emotionally neutral and uninterested as possible. Narcissists often thrive on eliciting strong emotions from you.
Stick to factual and neutral communication and avoid getting drawn into their emotional games. Recognize that engaging in arguments rarely leads to resolution so choose your battles wisely and disengage altogether if necessary.
Set Boundaries
Make sure to establish clear boundaries with your partner and communicate them assertively. They will likely test these boundaries, but maintaining them is crucial for your emotional health.
Seek Support
Seeking support from friends, family members, or professionals can be immensely beneficial.
Individual therapy or counseling can provide you with tools to cope with the emotional challenges of the relationship and help you make decisions that prioritize your well-being.
Additionally, surrounding yourself with a network of understanding individuals can help you feel less isolated. Consider connecting with friends, family, or even a support group where you can share your experiences and receive validation.
Consider Your Options
Evaluate whether the relationship is healthy for you in the long run. If the negative impacts outweigh the positive, you might want to consider seeking professional help or finding ways to exit the relationship.
When to Seek Help
Knowing when to seek help in a relationship with a narcissistic partner is crucial for your emotional well-being and safety.
Here are some signs that indicate it might be time to reach out for assistance:
How to Leave Safely
Leaving a relationship with a narcissistic partner can be a challenging and potentially dangerous process as you are threatening their position of power and undermining their sense of superiority.
Therefore, it is important to prioritize your safety and well-being.
FAQs
How Do Narcissists Show Love?
Narcissists often have a distorted way of showing love due to their self-centered nature and emotional limitations.
Narcissists are skilled at using flattery and charm to win people over. In the early stages of a relationship, they often put their partners on a pedestal, showering them with attention, compliments, and gifts.
However, narcissists are primarily focused on their own needs and desires, and their expressions of affection are often aimed at maintaining control, getting attention, or fulfilling their own emotional needs.
What Are the Most Typical Behaviors of a Narcissistic Partner?Narcissistic partners often exhibit a range of behaviors that stem from their self-centeredness, lack of empathy, and desire for control and admiration.Here are some of the typical behaviors that narcissistic partners might display:Narcissists crave attention and validation, so they often will demand to be the center of attention in social settings and become upset when they’re not.Narcissists are skilled manipulators, so they will use emotional manipulation, guilt-tripping, and other tactics to control and influence their partners.Narcissists often cycle between idealizing and devaluing their partners. They may initially put their partner on a pedestal and then suddenly criticize or belittle them.Narcissists exaggerate their achievements, talents, and importance. They may come across as arrogant and believe they are entitled to special treatment.
What Are the Most Typical Behaviors of a Narcissistic Partner?
Narcissistic partners often exhibit a range of behaviors that stem from their self-centeredness, lack of empathy, and desire for control and admiration.Here are some of the typical behaviors that narcissistic partners might display:Narcissists crave attention and validation, so they often will demand to be the center of attention in social settings and become upset when they’re not.Narcissists are skilled manipulators, so they will use emotional manipulation, guilt-tripping, and other tactics to control and influence their partners.Narcissists often cycle between idealizing and devaluing their partners. They may initially put their partner on a pedestal and then suddenly criticize or belittle them.Narcissists exaggerate their achievements, talents, and importance. They may come across as arrogant and believe they are entitled to special treatment.
Narcissistic partners often exhibit a range of behaviors that stem from their self-centeredness, lack of empathy, and desire for control and admiration.
Here are some of the typical behaviors that narcissistic partners might display:
Narcissists crave attention and validation, so they often will demand to be the center of attention in social settings and become upset when they’re not.
Narcissists are skilled manipulators, so they will use emotional manipulation, guilt-tripping, and other tactics to control and influence their partners.
Narcissists often cycle between idealizing and devaluing their partners. They may initially put their partner on a pedestal and then suddenly criticize or belittle them.
Narcissists exaggerate their achievements, talents, and importance. They may come across as arrogant and believe they are entitled to special treatment.
Why Is It Hard to Leave a Narcissist?
Leaving a narcissistic partner can be exceptionally difficult because of the attachment you feel to them.
They also will frequently undermine their partners’ self-esteem and self-worth, so victims come to believe they deserve mistreatment or that they won’t find better alternatives.
Sources
Bushman, B. (2017). Narcissism, Fame Seeking and Mass Shootings.American Behavioural Scientist, 229-241.
Campbell, S. (2022).Adult Survivors of Toxic Family Members: Tools to Maintain Boundaries, Deal with Criticism, and Heal from Shame After Ties Have Been Cut. New Harbinger Publications.
Campbell, W. K., Foster, C. A., & Finkel, E. J. (2002). Does self-love lead to love for others? A story of narcissistic game playing.Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 83, 340–354.
Howard V. (2019). Recognising Narcissistic Abuse and the Implications for Mental Health Nursing Practice.Issues in Mental Health Nursing, 40(8), 644-654.
Lee, J. A. (1973). The colors of love: An exploration of the ways of loving. Don Mills, Canada: New Press.
Louis de Canonville, C. (2019, January 31). Narcissistic Victim Syndrome: What the Heck is That? Retrieved from Narcissistic Behavior: https://narcissisticbehavior.net/
Thomaes, S., Bushman, B., De Castro, B., & Stegge, H. (2009). What makes narcissists bloom? A framework for research on the etiology and development of narcissism.Development and Psychopathology, 1233–1247.
Saul McLeod, PhD
BSc (Hons) Psychology, MRes, PhD, University of Manchester
Saul McLeod, PhD., is a qualified psychology teacher with over 18 years of experience in further and higher education. He has been published in peer-reviewed journals, including the Journal of Clinical Psychology.
Julia Simkus
BA (Hons) Psychology, Princeton University
Julia Simkus is a graduate of Princeton University with a Bachelor of Arts in Psychology. She is currently studying for a Master’s Degree in Counseling for Mental Health and Wellness in September 2023. Julia’s research has been published in peer reviewed journals.
Anna DrescherMental Health WriterBSc (Hons), Psychology, Goldsmiths University, MSc in Psychotherapy, University of QueenslandAnna Drescher is a freelance writer and solution-focused hypnotherapist, specializing in CBT and meditation. Using insights from her experience working as an NHS Assistant Clinical Psychologist and Recovery Officer, along with her Master’s degree in Psychotherapy, she lends deep empathy and profound understanding to her mental health and relationships writing.
Anna DrescherMental Health WriterBSc (Hons), Psychology, Goldsmiths University, MSc in Psychotherapy, University of Queensland
Anna Drescher
Mental Health Writer
BSc (Hons), Psychology, Goldsmiths University, MSc in Psychotherapy, University of Queensland
Anna Drescher is a freelance writer and solution-focused hypnotherapist, specializing in CBT and meditation. Using insights from her experience working as an NHS Assistant Clinical Psychologist and Recovery Officer, along with her Master’s degree in Psychotherapy, she lends deep empathy and profound understanding to her mental health and relationships writing.
