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Narcissism exists on a spectrum, and the severity and type of problems a narcissistic person can create in a marriage can vary based on where they fall on that spectrum and the specific characteristics of their narcissism.
Malignant narcissismis a type of narcissism that includes traits from narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). Malignant narcissists can be manipulative, deceitful, lack empathy, and show a disregard for the rights and well-being of others. These individuals tend to create particularly toxic and harmful dynamics in marriages.
This type of narcissism affectsaround 6%of the population.
Signs of a narcissistic marriage
When these traits are prominent within a marriage, it can lead to a variety of issues and challenges.
The signs of a narcissistic marriage can encompass both the observable behaviors of the narcissistic partner and the emotional impact those behaviors have on the spouse.
Despite the differences between grandiose and vulnerable narcissism (as noted above), both types share the common trait of entitlement. They believe they are superior to others and entitled to special treatment, unconditional love, and special privileges.
In addition to the observable behaviors, the emotional impact on the spouse can be a sign of a narcissistic marriage. These emotional experiences might include feeling unheard, isolated, devalued, confused, unstable, or emotionally drained.
Recognizing both the observable behaviors and the emotional impact is crucial for understanding the dynamics of a narcissistic marriage.
Are You Married to a Grandiose or Vulnerable Narcissist?
While both grandiose and vulnerable narcissists can exhibit similar traits, it’s important to understand that the expression and intensity of these traits will vary between the two types.
Grandiose narcissists often display an exaggerated sense of self-importance and superiority. They expect to be the center of attention and will demand constant admiration from others. They tend to dominate conversations, brag about their accomplishments, and dismiss their partner’s needs.
Additionally, they may come across as conceited and arrogant, as their belief in their own rightness and superiority can lead them to be intolerant of differing opinions.
Vulnerable narcissists might display similar traits, but this is often as a way to compensate for their underlying feelings of inadequacy. They have a more delicate self-esteem and will seek validation and reassurance from others to counteract their feelings of low self-worth.
Vulnerable narcissists will engage in more passive-aggressive, manipulative behaviors as opposed to more overt displays of cruelty.
Types of narcissistic marriage problems
Here are some types of problems that commonly occur in narcissistic relationships:
Lack of Empathy and Emotional Support
Narcissists tend to struggle with providing genuine emotional support and empathy.
Narcissistic partners often prioritize their own needs, desires, and emotions over those of their spouse. They might dismiss their partner’s concerns, fail to acknowledge their feelings, or struggle to validate their experiences.
Narcissists are self-centered individuals. They tend to dominate conversations with their own topics and experiences and neglect those of their spouse.
This can lead to the non-narcissistic spouse feeling unimportant, misunderstood, and isolated. Over time, this emotional neglect can erode the foundation of the relationship, leading to resentment, sadness, and a sense of emptiness.
Infidelity
Narcissists have a constant need for attention and admiration from multiple sources. When a narcissistic individual is in a relationship, they might seek this lead validation from sources outside their marriage. This can lead to jealousy, insecurity, and dishonesty within the relationship.
Narcissists also have a tendency to be unfaithful because they believe they are entitled to behave in any way that will satisfy their own needs.
Some narcissists, particularly those with grandiose traits, are thrill-seekers who enjoy the excitement of acquiring new sexual or romantic partners. Acquiring new partners provides an opportunity for them to receive fresh admiration and attention, boosting their self-esteem and reinforcing their sense of superiority.
Day, Townsend, and Grenyer (2021)studied the interpersonal dysfunction within narcissist relationships. One participant in their study noted that her partner:
“had an affair with [her] best friend when [she] was pregnant with his son and told [her] the entire time [she] was imagining things because [she] was emotional from being pregnant.”
She continued that, “he is a serial cheater with at least a dozen local sex and dating website accounts, and when [she] stumbled onto proof of any of them he threatened [her] with physical violence.”
Gaslighting Behaviors
Narcissists will use manipulation tactics, such as gaslighting or guilt-tripping, to control their partner and maintain dominance in the relationship.
Gaslightinginvolves distorting, denying, or manipulating information in order to make the other person doubt their own perceptions, memory, or sanity.
A narcissistic partner might deny events, conversations, or promises that actually took place or manipulate facts or events to fit their own narrative.
Victims of gaslighting are often left feeling disoriented, anxious, and emotionally dependent on the gaslighter. Over time, this can result in a significant erosion of their self-esteem and self-trust.
“He would tell me what the reality was and he justified it so well and he was so convinced in his arguments that I would sort of accept his reality as my own . . . I felt like I was part of his reality to the point where I didn’t even have my own thoughts anymore.”
Diminished Self-Worth
Narcissists tend to have an inflated sense of self-worth and entitlement. Due to their lack of empathy and need for control, narcissistic individuals might feel entitled to treat their partners with disdain or disregard.
They might diminish, criticize, and belittle their partner to make them more dependent and compliant.
Narcissists might minimize their partner’s feelings or challenges, suggesting that their own problems are more significant or demanding attention.
One victim of a narcissistic relationship(Czerny, Lassiter, and Lim (2018)said:
“I mean, honestly I was nothing. You wouldn’t have even recognized me. I didn’t recognize me. It was incredible. I wasn’t even there. I didn’t do anything I enjoyed at all. I was just constantly trying to make sure everything was okay for him. And of course it never is okay. It’s never enough.”
Being Controlled
Narcissists have an insatiable need for control.
They might attempt to isolate you from friends and family to make you more dependent on them and less likely to seek outside perspectives. They may also impose their beliefs, values, and opinions on you, expecting you to conform to their way of thinking.
In some cases, narcissistic partners will use threats, whether overt or subtle, to keep you compliant and fearful of the consequences of opposing them.
The following isone account of a victimof a narcissistic partner:
“He also reads my text messages regularly and checks my telephone calls. I feel like being a prisoner in my own life… I’m not allowed to meet any of my friends either… He wants to dominate and control me.”
Verbal and Emotional Abuse
Narcissists often employ verbal and emotional abuse as a way to control and manipulate their partners.
Verbal abuse might include name-calling, put-downs, blame-shifting, sarcasm, humiliation, or mockery. Their goal is to belittle and demean their partner to make them feel inadequate and worthless.
Emotional abuse, on the other hand, can be more subtle, but it is still just as harmful.
This might include using emotional manipulation (e.g., guilt, fear, or sympathy) to control your actions; distorting your reality (e.g., gaslighting) to make you doubt your own perceptions and memory; withholding affection and emotional support to punish you or exert control over you; or projecting their own negative traits onto you, making you feel responsible for their behavior.
The following is another example fromDay, Townsend, and Grenyer (2021)on this behavior:
“He has rages which are brutally cruel, with verbal tirades that include shouting, swearing, name calling, and using my most private vulnerabilities as a weapon to hurt me and mock me.”
Long-term effects of being married to a narcissist
Being married to a narcissist can have profound and lasting effects on your mental, emotional, and even physical well-being.
Interestingly, many survivors of abusive relationshipreportthat emotional and psychological abuse can have a more detrimental and lasting impact on them than physical abuse. While physical abuse can cause visible injuries, emotional and psychological abuse targets a person’s self-esteem, mental well-being, and sense of identity.
Additionally, because narcissistic abuse is often insidious and covert in nature, victims often do not recognize and understand the extent of the harm until it has escalated or reached a breaking point.
Diminished Self-Esteem
Overtime, the constant criticism, belittling, and manipulation can erode your self-esteem and self-worth. Emotional abuse can chip away at a person’s sense of confidence and identity until they no longer recognize the person they have become.
The abuse and manipulation can leave deep emotional wounds that affect your ability to trust, form new relationships, and experience happiness.
Difficulty Setting Boundaries
Narcissists often disregard your boundaries, which can make it challenging to set and enforce healthy boundaries in future relationships.
The following is a personal account of a survivor of a narcissistic marriage fromCzerny, Lassiter, and Lim (2018):
“In relationships, I kind of gave away total control, I just let all the boundaries down, and I guess I thought that when you love someone, you don’t have to have boundaries, and you’re supposed to have total trust and you just don’t have boundaries.”
Anxiety and Depression
The chronic stress of emotional abuse can lead to anxiety, depression, and other mental health issues that persist even after the relationship ends. The betrayal, manipulation, and lies experienced in a narcissistic relationship can result in a range of mental health challenges, including:
How to leave a narcissistic marriage
Leaving a narcissistic marriage can be a challenging and complex process, but it’s a crucial step toward reclaiming your well-being and rebuilding your life.
First, you must accept that your partner will not change. Narcissists may attempt to manipulate you into staying and make promises of change, but you must remind yourself of all of the reasons you decided to leave in the first place and stay firm in your decision.
A narcissistic relationship is often associated with “trauma bonding,” which is a powerful emotional bond a victim of abuse forms with their abuser. It is created in the “love bombing” phase and continues to grow stronger even when the abuse occurs.
This is because when the abuser is kind, you experience a rush of relief as dopamine is released in the brain. You then begin to associate this sensation of pleasure with the abuser, strengthening your bond to them.
Here are steps to consider if you’re contemplating leaving a narcissistic marriage:
Gather Support
Reach out to friends, family members, or support groups who can provide emotional support, validation, and guidance throughout the process.
If the narcissist has isolated you from these important people in your life, you should reach back out and explain what has happened. They can provide support, practical help, and a safe space to share your experiences.
Additionally, consulting a therapist or counselor experienced in narcissistic abuse and trauma can help you navigate the emotional challenges as you prepare to leave.
Develop an Exit Plan
Be sure toplan your exit strategy carefully. This might involve finding a safe place to stay, securing your finances, and blocking their access to you online.
If you have shared assets, property, or children, consult with a lawyer who specializes in family law to understand your rights and options.
As you plan to leave, limit contact with the narcissistic partner as much as possible to reduce the risk of manipulation or escalation.
What Can Happen When You Leave?
They may shower you with love and affection, promise to change, apologize profusely, make grand gestures, or portray themselves as the victim.
Remember that hoovering is a manipulation tactic, and the narcissist’s behavior is unlikely to change in the long term. Remind yourself of the reasons you wanted to leave in the first place and maintain strong boundaries with the narcissist to prevent being manipulated.
Prioritize Your Safety
If you’re concerned about your safety, especially if the narcissistic partner has a history of aggression or violence, be sure to prioritize your safety.
FAQs
When Should You Seek Help?If you’re feeling consistently anxious, depressed, overwhelmed, or emotionally drained due to the relationship, it’s a clear indication that professional help is needed.Or, if you find yourself constantly doubting your perceptions, reality, and emotions and feel like you’ve lost your sense of identity and self-worth due to the relationship, you should consider seeking help.Therapy, especially with a professional experienced in trauma, abuse, and narcissistic dynamics, can provide a safe and supportive space for you to process your experiences, heal from the emotional wounds, and rebuild your life.Can You Fix a Marriage With a Narcissist?Fixing a marriage with a narcissist can be extremely challenging, and it’s important to approach the situation with realistic expectations.True change requires the narcissist’s willingness to recognize their harmful behaviors and actively seek help. However, the very nature of narcissism means they do not see fault in their behavior or have the self-awareness and empathy required for genuine change.You must be aware that narcissists are skilled manipulators, and they might pretend to change in order to regain control over the relationship or prevent you from leaving. And, even if a narcissist initially seems to make genuine changes, these changes are often short-lived.Why do Narcissists Get Married?Narcissists often get married because of their own desires, needs, and motivations.Marriage can provide them with a sense of authority and dominance over their partner. It can also be a way for narcissists to bolster their self-image and public perception, especially if their partner is wealthy and of high social status.Marriage provides a steady source of narcissistic supply, so they might initially be seeking emotional fulfillment and intimacy from the relationship. However, this often fades as the relationship progresses.
When Should You Seek Help?If you’re feeling consistently anxious, depressed, overwhelmed, or emotionally drained due to the relationship, it’s a clear indication that professional help is needed.Or, if you find yourself constantly doubting your perceptions, reality, and emotions and feel like you’ve lost your sense of identity and self-worth due to the relationship, you should consider seeking help.Therapy, especially with a professional experienced in trauma, abuse, and narcissistic dynamics, can provide a safe and supportive space for you to process your experiences, heal from the emotional wounds, and rebuild your life.
When Should You Seek Help?
If you’re feeling consistently anxious, depressed, overwhelmed, or emotionally drained due to the relationship, it’s a clear indication that professional help is needed.Or, if you find yourself constantly doubting your perceptions, reality, and emotions and feel like you’ve lost your sense of identity and self-worth due to the relationship, you should consider seeking help.Therapy, especially with a professional experienced in trauma, abuse, and narcissistic dynamics, can provide a safe and supportive space for you to process your experiences, heal from the emotional wounds, and rebuild your life.
If you’re feeling consistently anxious, depressed, overwhelmed, or emotionally drained due to the relationship, it’s a clear indication that professional help is needed.
Or, if you find yourself constantly doubting your perceptions, reality, and emotions and feel like you’ve lost your sense of identity and self-worth due to the relationship, you should consider seeking help.
Therapy, especially with a professional experienced in trauma, abuse, and narcissistic dynamics, can provide a safe and supportive space for you to process your experiences, heal from the emotional wounds, and rebuild your life.
Can You Fix a Marriage With a Narcissist?Fixing a marriage with a narcissist can be extremely challenging, and it’s important to approach the situation with realistic expectations.True change requires the narcissist’s willingness to recognize their harmful behaviors and actively seek help. However, the very nature of narcissism means they do not see fault in their behavior or have the self-awareness and empathy required for genuine change.You must be aware that narcissists are skilled manipulators, and they might pretend to change in order to regain control over the relationship or prevent you from leaving. And, even if a narcissist initially seems to make genuine changes, these changes are often short-lived.
Can You Fix a Marriage With a Narcissist?
Fixing a marriage with a narcissist can be extremely challenging, and it’s important to approach the situation with realistic expectations.True change requires the narcissist’s willingness to recognize their harmful behaviors and actively seek help. However, the very nature of narcissism means they do not see fault in their behavior or have the self-awareness and empathy required for genuine change.You must be aware that narcissists are skilled manipulators, and they might pretend to change in order to regain control over the relationship or prevent you from leaving. And, even if a narcissist initially seems to make genuine changes, these changes are often short-lived.
Fixing a marriage with a narcissist can be extremely challenging, and it’s important to approach the situation with realistic expectations.
True change requires the narcissist’s willingness to recognize their harmful behaviors and actively seek help. However, the very nature of narcissism means they do not see fault in their behavior or have the self-awareness and empathy required for genuine change.
You must be aware that narcissists are skilled manipulators, and they might pretend to change in order to regain control over the relationship or prevent you from leaving. And, even if a narcissist initially seems to make genuine changes, these changes are often short-lived.
Why do Narcissists Get Married?Narcissists often get married because of their own desires, needs, and motivations.Marriage can provide them with a sense of authority and dominance over their partner. It can also be a way for narcissists to bolster their self-image and public perception, especially if their partner is wealthy and of high social status.Marriage provides a steady source of narcissistic supply, so they might initially be seeking emotional fulfillment and intimacy from the relationship. However, this often fades as the relationship progresses.
Why do Narcissists Get Married?
Narcissists often get married because of their own desires, needs, and motivations.Marriage can provide them with a sense of authority and dominance over their partner. It can also be a way for narcissists to bolster their self-image and public perception, especially if their partner is wealthy and of high social status.Marriage provides a steady source of narcissistic supply, so they might initially be seeking emotional fulfillment and intimacy from the relationship. However, this often fades as the relationship progresses.
Narcissists often get married because of their own desires, needs, and motivations.
Marriage can provide them with a sense of authority and dominance over their partner. It can also be a way for narcissists to bolster their self-image and public perception, especially if their partner is wealthy and of high social status.
Marriage provides a steady source of narcissistic supply, so they might initially be seeking emotional fulfillment and intimacy from the relationship. However, this often fades as the relationship progresses.
Sources
Arabi, S. (2017).Power: Surviving & Thriving After Narcissistic Abuse. Brooklyn: Thought Catalog Books.
Czerny, A. & Lassiter, P. & Lim, J. H. (2018). Post-Abuse Boundary Renegotiation: Healing and Reclaiming Self After Intimate Partner Violence.Journal of Mental Health Counseling, 40, 211-225.
Day, N. J. S., Townsend, M. L., & Grenyer, B. F. S. (2022). Pathological narcissism: An analysis of interpersonal dysfunction within intimate relationships.Personality and Mental Health, 16( 3), 204– 216.
Dhawan, N, Kunik, ME, Oldham, J, et al. (2010) Prevalence and treatment of narcissistic personality disorder in the community: a systematic review.Comprehensive Psychiatry, 51, 333–9.
Green, A. & Charles, K. (2019). Voicing the victims of narcissistic partners: A Qualitative Analysis of Responses to Narcissistic Injury and Self-Esteem Regulation.SAGE Open.
Howard V. (2019). Recognising Narcissistic Abuse and the Implications for Mental Health Nursing Practice.Issues in Mental Health Nursing, 40(8), 644-654.
Lavner, J. A., Lamkin, J., Miller, J. D., Campbell, W. K., & Karney, B. R. (2016).Narcissism and newlywed marriage: Partner characteristics and marital trajectories.Personality Disorders: Theory, Research, and Treatment,7(2), 169.
Louis de Canonville, C. (2019, January 31).Narcissistic Victim Syndrome: What the Heck is That?Retrieved from Narcissistic Behavior:https://narcissisticbehavior.net/
Määttä, M., Uusiautti, S. & Määttä, K. (2012). An intimate relationship in the shadow of narcissism:What is it like to live with a narcissistic spouse?International Journal of Research Studies in Psychology,1(1), 37-50.
Rakovec-Felser Z. (2014). Domestic Violence and Abuse in Intimate Relationship from Public Health Perspective.Health Psychology Research,2(3), 1821.
Vrabel, J. K., Zeigler-Hill, V., Lehtman, M., & Hernandez, K. (2020). Narcissism and perceived power in romantic relationships.Journal of Social and Personal Relationships,37(1), 124–142.
Wink, P. (1991). Two faces of narcissism.Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 61, 590–597.
Saul McLeod, PhD
BSc (Hons) Psychology, MRes, PhD, University of Manchester
Saul McLeod, PhD., is a qualified psychology teacher with over 18 years of experience in further and higher education. He has been published in peer-reviewed journals, including the Journal of Clinical Psychology.
Julia Simkus
BA (Hons) Psychology, Princeton University
Julia Simkus is a graduate of Princeton University with a Bachelor of Arts in Psychology. She is currently studying for a Master’s Degree in Counseling for Mental Health and Wellness in September 2023. Julia’s research has been published in peer reviewed journals.
Anna DrescherMental Health WriterBSc (Hons), Psychology, Goldsmiths University, MSc in Psychotherapy, University of QueenslandAnna Drescher is a freelance writer and solution-focused hypnotherapist, specializing in CBT and meditation. Using insights from her experience working as an NHS Assistant Clinical Psychologist and Recovery Officer, along with her Master’s degree in Psychotherapy, she lends deep empathy and profound understanding to her mental health and relationships writing.
Anna DrescherMental Health WriterBSc (Hons), Psychology, Goldsmiths University, MSc in Psychotherapy, University of Queensland
Anna Drescher
Mental Health Writer
BSc (Hons), Psychology, Goldsmiths University, MSc in Psychotherapy, University of Queensland
Anna Drescher is a freelance writer and solution-focused hypnotherapist, specializing in CBT and meditation. Using insights from her experience working as an NHS Assistant Clinical Psychologist and Recovery Officer, along with her Master’s degree in Psychotherapy, she lends deep empathy and profound understanding to her mental health and relationships writing.
