Their goal is to make their victims doubt their beliefs and perceptions so they can manipulate them into submission and compliance.
Narcissistic gaslighting can sometimes have an element ofsadistic pleasure; individuals engaging in the manipulation may derive a sense of satisfaction, power, or enjoyment from causing confusion, doubt, and distress in their victims.
Is gaslighting the same as narcissism?
Gaslighting and narcissism are related concepts, but they are not the same.
Gaslighting is just one way that narcissistic individuals might manipulate others, but it’s not the entirety of narcissism itself.
Do All Narcissists Use Gaslighting?While gaslighting is a manipulation tactic commonly associated with narcissistic individuals, not all narcissists use gaslighting.Gaslighting is just one of many manipulative behaviors that narcissists may employ to achieve their goals of control, validation, and dominance, but it’s not the entirety of narcissism itself.It’s also important to note that not all individuals who engage in gaslighting behavior are necessarily narcissists. People with other personality traits or disorders, such as those with antisocial or borderline traits, might also engage in gaslighting.Gaslighting can also happen unintentionally or from a place of wanting to be right, rather than wanting to control another person.
Do All Narcissists Use Gaslighting?
While gaslighting is a manipulation tactic commonly associated with narcissistic individuals, not all narcissists use gaslighting.Gaslighting is just one of many manipulative behaviors that narcissists may employ to achieve their goals of control, validation, and dominance, but it’s not the entirety of narcissism itself.It’s also important to note that not all individuals who engage in gaslighting behavior are necessarily narcissists. People with other personality traits or disorders, such as those with antisocial or borderline traits, might also engage in gaslighting.Gaslighting can also happen unintentionally or from a place of wanting to be right, rather than wanting to control another person.
While gaslighting is a manipulation tactic commonly associated with narcissistic individuals, not all narcissists use gaslighting.
Gaslighting is just one of many manipulative behaviors that narcissists may employ to achieve their goals of control, validation, and dominance, but it’s not the entirety of narcissism itself.
It’s also important to note that not all individuals who engage in gaslighting behavior are necessarily narcissists. People with other personality traits or disorders, such as those with antisocial or borderline traits, might also engage in gaslighting.
Gaslighting can also happen unintentionally or from a place of wanting to be right, rather than wanting to control another person.
Narcissistic Cycle of Abuse
Relationships with narcissistic individuals often follow similar patterns. While each relationship is unique, there are common dynamics and stages that tend to emerge when dealing with a narcissist.
One common pattern is often referred to as the “Narcissistic Cycle of Abuse” or the “Idealize, Devalue, Discard” cycle. In the beginning of the relationship, the narcissist “love bombs” you, showering you with attention, affection, and praise. This is the idealization phase as the narcissist portrays themselves as the perfect partner, making you feel special and valued.
As the relationship progresses and the narcissist has gained your trust, their behavior starts to change and their true nature starts to show. This marks the beginning of the devaluation phase.
During this phase, they may become critical, dismissive, and emotionally abusive. This is where they begin to engage in gaslighting and other manipulative tactics to belittle you and undermine your self-esteem.
You may notice that their behaviors are unusual, hurtful and confusing, but you might feel unsure whether they are considered gaslighting. The behavior can be subtle, so it is important to pay close attention to their words and actions and how they make you feel.
Eventually, the narcissist may grow bored or dissatisfied, or they may have found a new source of validation. During the discard phase, the narcissist will abruptly “discard” you, often without explanation or closure.
After they discard you, the narcissist might attempt to come back into your life. This phase is called “hoovering.” They might use tactics like apologizing, promising change, or rekindling the idealization phase to regain control over you.
The cycle often repeats itself, with the narcissist oscillating between idealization and devaluation, keeping you emotionally off balance and dependent on them.
The Gaslight Effect
The Gaslight Effect is a term used to describe the impact that gaslighting has on one’s mental and emotional well-being.
Robin Stern, a psychoanalyst, and the author of “The Gaslight Effect: How to Spot and Survive the Hidden Manipulation Others Use to Control Your Life” (2007), outlines three phases of the Gaslight Effect in her book.
Here Are Some Common Signs of Gaslighting:
Signs You Are Experiencing Gaslighting:
Phrases that narcissistic gaslighters use
Narcissistic gaslighters often use manipulative phrases and tactics to undermine their victims’ perceptions and reality.
“You’re too sensitive/overreacting.”
This phrase dismisses your emotions and feelings, making you question the validity of your reactions.
“You’re lucky to have me.”
This reinforces their superiority and makes you feel dependent on their approval.
“I never said/did that.”
Gaslighters will deny previous statements, conversations, or actions, making you doubt your memory and perception of reality.
“You’re the one who’s always causing problems.”
They will place blame on you for conflicts, making you feel responsible for their actions. If the abuser has done something wrong, they often try to turn the tables and make you take responsibility.
“You’re emotionally unstable/ clingy/dramatic”
This is an attempt to put into question your stability and sanity. They are belittling your emotions and reactions, making you doubt your worth and feel unstable.
“You’re remembering it wrong.”
Gaslighters might deny events or conversations that you clearly remember, causing you to question your memory.
“You’re just trying to start a fight.”
This shifts the focus onto you and portrays you as the instigator, deflecting from their behavior.
Are narcissists aware that they gaslight?
In some cases, narcissists might be consciously aware that they are using gaslighting tactics to manipulate and control others, while in other cases, their behavior might be more instinctual or subconscious.
While it can vary from individual to individual based on their self-awareness, intentions, and level of manipulative behavior, most narcissists are motivated to protect their ego, their beliefs, and their position of power.
Narcissists often lack empathy and have difficulty understanding how their behavior impacts others. While they might not be explicitly aware of gaslighting, they understand that their behavior is getting the reaction they want, reinforcing their sense of control and superiority.
Some narcissists might rationalize their gaslighting behavior as a way to protect their own ego or maintain a false self-image. They might believe that the victim’s perceptions need correction in order to align with their view of themselves.
It’s also possible that narcissists fall along a spectrum of awareness. Some might consciously use gaslighting tactics at times and subconsciously at others.
Regardless of the narcissist’s level of awareness, the effects of gaslighting on the victim’s mental and emotional well-being can be profound and damaging.
References
Cialdini, R. B. (2007).Influence: the psychology of persuasion.Rev. ed.; 1st Collins business essentials ed. New York, Collins.
Krizan, Z. & Herlache, A. D. (2018). The narcissism spectrum model: A synthetic view of narcissistic personality.Personality and Social Psychology Review, 22, 3–31.
Petric, D. (2018). Gaslighting and the knot theory of mind.Research Gate.
Ronningstam, E. (2013) An update on narcissistic personality disorder.Current Opinions in Psychiatry, 26(1):102-6.
Sarkis, S. (2017) Are Gaslighters Aware of What They Do?Psychology Today
Spear, A. (2020). Gaslighting, Confabulation, and Epistemic Innocence,Topoi,39, 229-24.
Stern, R. (2007).The Gaslight Effect: How to Spot and Survive the Hidden Manipulations Other People Use to Control Your Life.New York: Harmony Books.
Vaknin, S. (2021).Sadism in Sadistic and Narcissistic Personality Disorder.Annals of Behavioural Science, 7 (1).
Zajenkowski, M., Maciantowicz, O., Szymaniak, K. &Urban P. (2018). Vulnerable and Grandiose Narcissism Are Differentially Associated With Ability and Trait Emotional Intelligence. Frontiers in Psychology, 9.
Saul McLeod, PhD
BSc (Hons) Psychology, MRes, PhD, University of Manchester
Saul McLeod, PhD., is a qualified psychology teacher with over 18 years of experience in further and higher education. He has been published in peer-reviewed journals, including the Journal of Clinical Psychology.
Julia Simkus
BA (Hons) Psychology, Princeton University
Julia Simkus is a graduate of Princeton University with a Bachelor of Arts in Psychology. She is currently studying for a Master’s Degree in Counseling for Mental Health and Wellness in September 2023. Julia’s research has been published in peer reviewed journals.
Anna DrescherMental Health WriterBSc (Hons), Psychology, Goldsmiths University, MSc in Psychotherapy, University of QueenslandAnna Drescher is a freelance writer and solution-focused hypnotherapist, specializing in CBT and meditation. Using insights from her experience working as an NHS Assistant Clinical Psychologist and Recovery Officer, along with her Master’s degree in Psychotherapy, she lends deep empathy and profound understanding to her mental health and relationships writing.
Anna DrescherMental Health WriterBSc (Hons), Psychology, Goldsmiths University, MSc in Psychotherapy, University of Queensland
Anna Drescher
Mental Health Writer
BSc (Hons), Psychology, Goldsmiths University, MSc in Psychotherapy, University of Queensland
Anna Drescher is a freelance writer and solution-focused hypnotherapist, specializing in CBT and meditation. Using insights from her experience working as an NHS Assistant Clinical Psychologist and Recovery Officer, along with her Master’s degree in Psychotherapy, she lends deep empathy and profound understanding to her mental health and relationships writing.
