Nacho Parenting: What It Is, Will It Work for You?

Table of ContentsView AllTable of ContentsWhat Does Nacho Parenting Look Like?What Are the Benefits of Nacho Parenting?Are There Any Drawbacks to Nacho Parenting?How Effective Is Nacho Parenting?Try These Tips to Practice Nacho Parenting With Your Stepkids

Table of ContentsView All

View All

Table of Contents

What Does Nacho Parenting Look Like?

What Are the Benefits of Nacho Parenting?

Are There Any Drawbacks to Nacho Parenting?

How Effective Is Nacho Parenting?

Try These Tips to Practice Nacho Parenting With Your Stepkids

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Nacho parenting is a technique used in blended families to help define a stepparent’s role. In nacho parenting, stepparents avoid disciplining children, leaving this task to the biological parent.

Here, we’ll explore what nacho parenting looks like, what its benefits are, what some of its pitfalls may be, and tips for making nacho parenting work for your family.

When Is a Stepparent Overstepping Boundaries?

These days, roughly one-third of all children in the U.S. will live in a blended family with a stepparent. Stepparent families face numerous challenges as the stepparent is integrated into the family. It can be difficult to establish a positive relationship between children and stepparents, especially as children in blended families are usually experiencing a myriad of life changes and instability. Often, the biological parent and stepparent experience strains in their relationship as a result of parenting clashes and conflicting loyalties.

This is where nacho parenting might come into play. As the American Psychological Association (APA) suggests, it can be helpful for stepparents to establish a relationship with children that is more like a friend, rather than a parent—especially at the beginning of the relationship. If the biological parent takes responsibility for discipline, the stepparent can focus on bonding with the child, which can’t always be accomplished if they are introduced as an authority figure.

“I think of nacho parenting as a similar energy to a supportive teacher; an adult person who cares about the kids, and wants to guide them gently, and wants to take kids' emotions seriously, but is not a parent to those kids,” says Bonnie Scott, LPC-S, therapist and founder ofMindful Kindness Counseling.

Like the APA, the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT) also recommends a more “hands-off” approach to discipline for stepparents, explaining that stepchildren benefit when stepparents take a kinder, gentler approach at first. At the beginning of a stepparent/stepchild relationship, it can be challenging for children to acceptdiscipliningfrom a stepparent. However, participating in disciplining the child may be something that can happen later on, when children are ready, according to AAMFT.

Permissive Parenting Characteristics and Effects

Research has found that children do better psychologically, socially, and behaviorally when the relationships they have with family members are perceived as positive and secure. This includes the relationships they have with their stepparents.

Nacho parenting is a great way to ease into the stepparent role.

According to Scott, nacho parenting is a great way to ease into the stepparent role. “It’s a way to form a safe and supportive relationship with stepkids without the pressure of having to be an ‘instant’ mom or dad to them,” she says. “It’s a way to be energetically present with stepkids without feeling like the stepparent is a friend or a person who doesn’t have any kind of adult authority.”

Lauren Cook-McKay, licensed marriage and family therapist (LMFT) and vice president of marketing atDivorce Answers, says that nacho parenting allows stepparents to focus on forming a caring bond with stepkids without the complications of also needing to play “bad cop.”

Nacho parenting also has benefits for the biological parent. “Preserving the biological parent’s role of greater authority with the children also makes sense in a delicate transition,” Cook-McKay says. When used in moderation, nacho parenting can allow biological parents the space to adjust to sharing the disciplinary role with a stepparent, Cook-McKay explains.

Why Parenting Styles Matter When Raising Children

Although positive in theory, Cook-McKay says that nacho parenting often undermines the stepparent’s authority and results in children manipulating the situation and avoidingconsequencesto their actions. This is especially true when stepparents take a “zero discipline” approach, she says, causing several problematic dynamics to potentially emerge over time.

“The stepparent misses crucial chances to bond with stepchildren and establish themselves as caring authority figures,” she says. “The stepkids need to see the stepparent implement rules and consequences to view them as an authoritative parent.”

At the same time, the biological parent may start to feel overloaded as the sole disciplinarian and growresentful, Cook-McKay described. This can create tension in the marriage. “The children also learn to exploit the disconnect between the lax stepparent and stricter biological parent,” Cook-McKay says. “They behave well for the stepparent to curry favor and get away with more.”

Self-Determination Theory in Psychology

There isn’t research about the effectiveness of nacho parenting specifically, but many people find it to be helpful. Scott says that she’s often seen positive results. “I’ve seen it be really collaborative and supportive and create fulfilling and cool family dynamics,” she says. “It’s totally possible.”

Cook-McKay has seen less positive results. “I have seen firsthand how the ‘nacho parenting’ approach often backfires, despite the best intentions behind it,” she says. “Many stepparents I work with end up feeling undermined and disconnected from stepkids when they cannot enforce rules or consequences.”

Nacho Parenting May Be Best When Used as a Transition

As the AAMFT explains, techniques similar to nacho parenting are best used at thebeginningof a stepparent/stepchild relationship, and may work better as a way to transition into a more caring authoritative relationship, rather than a parenting style to be used for the duration of the relationship.

How Structural Family Therapy Works

The relationship between stepparents and stepchildren is delicate, and when introducing a concept like nacho parenting, it’s important to do so with thoughtfulness, intention, and a plan. It’s also important to reassess how it’s going periodically, with the understanding that nacho parenting might be something to ease out of eventually.

Here are some expert tips on making nacho parenting work.

Communicate Clearly With Kids

It’s important for kids to have clear expectations about what role their stepparent is going to play in their lives. Kids can be formally introduced to the idea of nacho parenting, Scott says. “I love it when that’s clearly communicated to kids so they know the expectations too,” she says.

She says that stepchildren usually appreciate a stepparent who isn’t overly strict or demanding and that a more disciplinary relationship can be established in time. “I always say ‘connection before correction’ to all parents, and I think that really holds in a step dynamic,” Scott describes.

Check In Regularly As a Couple

Once you’ve established that you’re going to take a “nacho parenting” approach to discipline, it’s vital that you and your spouse communicate frequently about how it’s going, says Cook-McKay, as this can avoid some of themarital conflictsthat often come with the approach.

“Frustration builds quickly if someone feels unsupported,” says Cook-McKay. She also suggests that you and your spouse decide on a time frame for reassessing. “Nacho parenting should transition within a year or two,” she recommends.

The ultimate goal of nacho parenting should be for stepparents to eventually transition to a more disciplinary role, says Cook-McKay.

Make Sure the Stepparent Becomes Involved in the Stepchild’s Life

Just because the stepparent isn’t disciplining the child at this point, it doesn’t mean they shouldn’t play an important role in the child’s life.

Cook-McKay suggests identifying situations where the stepparent can take the lead, such as assisting with homework or driving children places. “This carves out areas for them to nurture and guide,” she says. “Just ensure both spouses are actively moving toward team parenting.”

Seek Help from a Therapist

Importantly, you don’t have to do this alone. Stepparenting and integrating a new parent into a family can be complicated and isn’t without stress.

Seeking professional support can be helpful for all parties involved. Couples therapy can be helpful for spouses to communicate more clearly about what each of their roles will be in the family and to resolve conflicts that naturally arise during this time of transition.

Children who are experiencing behavioral or emotional issues during this time may benefit from individual therapy. Finally, family therapy is a good option when all members of a family need support and nurturing during a stepparent transition.

How Family Therapy Works

5 SourcesVerywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.American Psychological Association.Making stepfamilies work.Nacho Kids.Nacho Kids: Blended Family Lifesaver.Jensen TM, Harris KM.A Longitudinal Analysis of Stepfamily Relationship Quality and Adolescent Physical Health. Journal of Adolescent Health. 2017;61(4):486-492. doi:10.1016/j.jadohealth.2017.04.015American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy.Stepfamilies.Jensen TM, Lippold MA, Mills-Koonce R, et al.Stepfamily Relationship Quality and Children’s Internalizing and Externalizing Problems. Family Process. 2018;57(2):477-495. doi:10.1111/famp.12284

5 Sources

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.American Psychological Association.Making stepfamilies work.Nacho Kids.Nacho Kids: Blended Family Lifesaver.Jensen TM, Harris KM.A Longitudinal Analysis of Stepfamily Relationship Quality and Adolescent Physical Health. Journal of Adolescent Health. 2017;61(4):486-492. doi:10.1016/j.jadohealth.2017.04.015American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy.Stepfamilies.Jensen TM, Lippold MA, Mills-Koonce R, et al.Stepfamily Relationship Quality and Children’s Internalizing and Externalizing Problems. Family Process. 2018;57(2):477-495. doi:10.1111/famp.12284

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.

American Psychological Association.Making stepfamilies work.Nacho Kids.Nacho Kids: Blended Family Lifesaver.Jensen TM, Harris KM.A Longitudinal Analysis of Stepfamily Relationship Quality and Adolescent Physical Health. Journal of Adolescent Health. 2017;61(4):486-492. doi:10.1016/j.jadohealth.2017.04.015American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy.Stepfamilies.Jensen TM, Lippold MA, Mills-Koonce R, et al.Stepfamily Relationship Quality and Children’s Internalizing and Externalizing Problems. Family Process. 2018;57(2):477-495. doi:10.1111/famp.12284

American Psychological Association.Making stepfamilies work.

Nacho Kids.Nacho Kids: Blended Family Lifesaver.

Jensen TM, Harris KM.A Longitudinal Analysis of Stepfamily Relationship Quality and Adolescent Physical Health. Journal of Adolescent Health. 2017;61(4):486-492. doi:10.1016/j.jadohealth.2017.04.015

American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy.Stepfamilies.

Jensen TM, Lippold MA, Mills-Koonce R, et al.Stepfamily Relationship Quality and Children’s Internalizing and Externalizing Problems. Family Process. 2018;57(2):477-495. doi:10.1111/famp.12284

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