My Partner and I Both Have Depression, Now What?

Table of ContentsTable of ContentsExpandWhy Things Can Get ComplicatedHow Common Is It?Unique CharacteristicsCopingView All

Table of ContentsExpandWhy Things Can Get ComplicatedHow Common Is It?Unique CharacteristicsCopingView All

Table of ContentsExpandWhy Things Can Get ComplicatedHow Common Is It?Unique CharacteristicsCoping

Table of ContentsExpand

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Why Things Can Get Complicated

How Common Is It?

Unique Characteristics

Coping

View All

Relationshipscan certainly be rewarding, but they’re not always easy. They often require a lot of time, effort, commitment, and compromise from both partners. The reality is that most people face relationship challenges at some point or another.

However, living with depression can make dating and relationships even harder. The American Psychological Association (APA) notes that having a mental health condition yourself orbeing with a partner who has a mental health conditioncan make relationships more complex and challenging.

At a GlanceIf you have depression, there’s a chance that your partner may have it too. Experts suggest this can happen because we might gravitate toward people who are depressed, or because having depression may trigger the condition in your partner. You may wonder whether this is a common dynamic and how to navigate it. Caring for a depressed partner when you are struggling with your own mental health isn’t easy—plus, research has shown that your own depression may worsen when their symptoms become more severe. Fortunately, there are steps you can take to protect your relationship, support one another, and get the treatment you both need to feel better.

At a Glance

If you have depression, there’s a chance that your partner may have it too. Experts suggest this can happen because we might gravitate toward people who are depressed, or because having depression may trigger the condition in your partner. You may wonder whether this is a common dynamic and how to navigate it. Caring for a depressed partner when you are struggling with your own mental health isn’t easy—plus, research has shown that your own depression may worsen when their symptoms become more severe. Fortunately, there are steps you can take to protect your relationship, support one another, and get the treatment you both need to feel better.

Things Get Complicated When Partners Both Have Depression

On one hand, there may be a sense of comfort in knowing that your partner is aware of the condition and its effects, and understands what you’re going through.

On the other hand, worrying about your partner’s mental health and trying tosupport themwhile caring for your own can be stressful. There may be times when something you’re experiencing can affect the relationship and trigger your partner, or vice versa.

Is It Common for Both Partners to Have Depression?

It’s not at all uncommon for two people in a relationship to both have depression, saysClaudia de Llano, LMFT, a licensed marriage and family therapist.

Research estimates that approximately 1 in 6 adults experience a depressive episode at some point in their lives;therefore, it’s possible for two people in a partnered relationship to both have depression at the same time, saysDavid Klemanski, PsyD, MPH, a psychologist at Yale Medicine.

De Llano explains that this dynamic can come about in multiple ways:

For instance, if you meet someone who also happens to be living with depression, it can take some pressure off you to disclosethat you have depressionor explain what it feels like. You may be more at ease with them and get along with them better if you don’t have to worry about being judged for having a mental health condition. As a result, you may find yourself in a relationship with a partner who has depression.

On the other hand, if you’re already in a relationship with your partner and one of you starts to experience depression, it can also affect the other partner and may cause them to develop depression. In fact, if you and your partner live together with other family members, it can affect the whole family in some form or another.

What Not to Say to Someone Who Is Depressed

Unique Characteristics of This Situation

A situation where you and your partner both have depression can offer a unique set of characteristics and challenges.

The major “benefit” of this situation is that both of you can understand the symptoms and effects of depression your partner may be struggling with, says Dr. Klemanski.

Having firsthand knowledge of depression can create a tacit sense ofempathythat can help with the journey of managing depression, says de Llano.

Your partner understands the struggle of depression and knows it can be debilitating, intrusive, or even unpredictable.—CLAUDIA DE LLANO, LMFT

Your partner understands the struggle of depression and knows it can be debilitating, intrusive, or even unpredictable.

—CLAUDIA DE LLANO, LMFT

In addition to empathy and understanding for the other, you and your partner may also recognize each other’s depressiontriggers, develop an awareness of oncoming episodes, and take steps to mitigate them, says Dr. Klemanski.

Challenges of This Situation

On the other hand, if both partners are deeply entrenched in their depression without propertherapeutic support, they may struggle to be fully emotionally available to each other, says de Llano.

Dr. Klemanski notes that depression can pose severalchallengesfor couples, which can sometimes include:Relational difficulties or discordDissatisfaction with the relationshipImpaired interpersonal functioningDecreasedcommunicationIncreased withdrawal from each otherReduced romantic and sexualintimacy

Dr. Klemanski notes that depression can pose severalchallengesfor couples, which can sometimes include:

Your Partner Is Not Your Therapist

How to Cope If You and Your Partner Have Depression

Dr. Klemanski shares somecoping strategiesthat can be helpful if you and your partner both have depression:

Maintain Individual Resources for Care

Ensure each of you has your ownresources for managing depression, including psychiatrists, psychologists or counselors, and support systems via family and friends. This is similar to the instructions we receive when we fly: ‘Put your own mask on before helping others.’

Both of you have to take care of yourselves so that you are in a healthy position to help each other.

Keeping a regular routineis important when you are dealing with depression. It’s helpful for both of you to maintain regular daily routines that include work, healthy meals, exercise, hobbies, and social activities.

How Routines Can Improve Your Relationships

Find Ways to Prevent Withdrawal

Depression can cause you to withdraw from people, your partner included. Thus, it may be helpful for both of you to mitigate your tendency to withdraw from each other proactively.

For example, finding small ways to remain engaged in the partnership can be helpful, such as going for walks together, sharing meals, leaving brief notes for your partner, or finding otheractivitiesyou both enjoy.

Monitor Depression Triggers

Work on yourself-awarenessand take note of antecedent instances. Learn to recognize triggers to your and your partner’s symptoms of depression. Be aware of aspects (such as situations, thoughts, feelings, or behaviors) that can exacerbate either of your symptoms and adversely impact the relationship.

Work on Your Relationship Skills

Depression can affect your ability to regulate and communicate your emotions, making things harder for you and your partner. It’s essential for both of you to learn skills to manage intense emotions and find ways to prioritize healthycommunication.

Don’t Take on Your Partner’s Depression Alone

Avoid, to the extent possible, solely taking on the burden of your partner’s mental health. Encourage reliance onsupport networksand professional help. Create healthy boundaries to maintain perspective on the role of depression in your lives and relationship. Remember that you are not responsible for fixing them or making everything better.

Take Responsibility for Your Mental Health

Similarly, it’s important that you don’t put the burden of your mental health entirely on your partner’s shoulders. Your partner is not responsible for meeting all youremotional needs, and you are responsible for your own mental health, happiness, and well-being.

Remember that you are not your depression. Your partner is not their depression. Your identities are deeper than that, and the more effort you put toward understanding how depression impacts your dynamic, the better you will be able to navigate it.—CLAUDIA DE LLANO, LMFT

Remember that you are not your depression. Your partner is not their depression. Your identities are deeper than that, and the more effort you put toward understanding how depression impacts your dynamic, the better you will be able to navigate it.

Should I Ask My Partner About Their Therapy Sessions?

Takeaways

Having depression, and being with a partner who has it too, can create a shared sense of empathy and understanding between the two of you. This can help yousupport each otherand navigate the condition together.

However, depression can sometimes be rough on relationships and take a toll on you and your partner. De Llano recommends creating a plan for coping withdepression—individually and as a couple—so you are both aware of each other’s triggers, coping strategies, treatment goals, and persons to contact for support, treatment, and emergencies.

How to Talk to Your Partner About Your Depression

10 SourcesVerywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.American Psychological Association.How to cope when a loved one has a serious mental illness.American Psychiatric Association.What is depression?Launay J, Dunbar RI.Playing with strangers: Which shared traits attract us most to new people?PLoS One. 2015;10(6):e0129688. doi:10.1371/journal.pone.0129688Gilmour AL, Whisman MA, Randall AK.Relationship discord and depressive symptoms in sexual minority individuals over time.J Fam Psychol. 2019;33(8):994-999. doi:10.1037/fam0000554Brock RL, Franz MR, O’Bleness JJ, Lawrence E.The dynamic interplay between satisfaction with intimate relationship functioning and daily mood in low-income outpatients.Fam Process. 2019;58(4):891-907. doi:10.1111/famp.12402King-Casas B, Chiu PH.Understanding interpersonal function in psychiatric illness through multiplayer economic games.Biol Psychiatry. 2012;72(2):119-125. doi:10.1016/j.biopsych.2012.03.033Chandrasekaran B, Van Engen K, Xie Z, Beevers CG, Maddox WT.Influence of depressive symptoms on speech perception in adverse listening conditions.Cogn Emot. 2015;29(5):900-909. doi:10.1080/02699931.2014.944106Girard JM, Cohn JF, Mahoor MH, Mavadati SM, Hammal Z, Rosenwald DP.Nonverbal social withdrawal in depression: evidence from manual and automatic analysis.Image Vis Comput. 2014;32(10):641-647. doi:10.1016/j.imavis.2013.12.007UNC Health.How depression can affect sexual health.Pradeep N, Sutin AR.Spouses and depressive symptoms in older adulthood.Sci Rep. 2015;5:8594. doi:10.1038/srep08594

10 Sources

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.American Psychological Association.How to cope when a loved one has a serious mental illness.American Psychiatric Association.What is depression?Launay J, Dunbar RI.Playing with strangers: Which shared traits attract us most to new people?PLoS One. 2015;10(6):e0129688. doi:10.1371/journal.pone.0129688Gilmour AL, Whisman MA, Randall AK.Relationship discord and depressive symptoms in sexual minority individuals over time.J Fam Psychol. 2019;33(8):994-999. doi:10.1037/fam0000554Brock RL, Franz MR, O’Bleness JJ, Lawrence E.The dynamic interplay between satisfaction with intimate relationship functioning and daily mood in low-income outpatients.Fam Process. 2019;58(4):891-907. doi:10.1111/famp.12402King-Casas B, Chiu PH.Understanding interpersonal function in psychiatric illness through multiplayer economic games.Biol Psychiatry. 2012;72(2):119-125. doi:10.1016/j.biopsych.2012.03.033Chandrasekaran B, Van Engen K, Xie Z, Beevers CG, Maddox WT.Influence of depressive symptoms on speech perception in adverse listening conditions.Cogn Emot. 2015;29(5):900-909. doi:10.1080/02699931.2014.944106Girard JM, Cohn JF, Mahoor MH, Mavadati SM, Hammal Z, Rosenwald DP.Nonverbal social withdrawal in depression: evidence from manual and automatic analysis.Image Vis Comput. 2014;32(10):641-647. doi:10.1016/j.imavis.2013.12.007UNC Health.How depression can affect sexual health.Pradeep N, Sutin AR.Spouses and depressive symptoms in older adulthood.Sci Rep. 2015;5:8594. doi:10.1038/srep08594

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.

American Psychological Association.How to cope when a loved one has a serious mental illness.American Psychiatric Association.What is depression?Launay J, Dunbar RI.Playing with strangers: Which shared traits attract us most to new people?PLoS One. 2015;10(6):e0129688. doi:10.1371/journal.pone.0129688Gilmour AL, Whisman MA, Randall AK.Relationship discord and depressive symptoms in sexual minority individuals over time.J Fam Psychol. 2019;33(8):994-999. doi:10.1037/fam0000554Brock RL, Franz MR, O’Bleness JJ, Lawrence E.The dynamic interplay between satisfaction with intimate relationship functioning and daily mood in low-income outpatients.Fam Process. 2019;58(4):891-907. doi:10.1111/famp.12402King-Casas B, Chiu PH.Understanding interpersonal function in psychiatric illness through multiplayer economic games.Biol Psychiatry. 2012;72(2):119-125. doi:10.1016/j.biopsych.2012.03.033Chandrasekaran B, Van Engen K, Xie Z, Beevers CG, Maddox WT.Influence of depressive symptoms on speech perception in adverse listening conditions.Cogn Emot. 2015;29(5):900-909. doi:10.1080/02699931.2014.944106Girard JM, Cohn JF, Mahoor MH, Mavadati SM, Hammal Z, Rosenwald DP.Nonverbal social withdrawal in depression: evidence from manual and automatic analysis.Image Vis Comput. 2014;32(10):641-647. doi:10.1016/j.imavis.2013.12.007UNC Health.How depression can affect sexual health.Pradeep N, Sutin AR.Spouses and depressive symptoms in older adulthood.Sci Rep. 2015;5:8594. doi:10.1038/srep08594

American Psychological Association.How to cope when a loved one has a serious mental illness.

American Psychiatric Association.What is depression?

Launay J, Dunbar RI.Playing with strangers: Which shared traits attract us most to new people?PLoS One. 2015;10(6):e0129688. doi:10.1371/journal.pone.0129688

Gilmour AL, Whisman MA, Randall AK.Relationship discord and depressive symptoms in sexual minority individuals over time.J Fam Psychol. 2019;33(8):994-999. doi:10.1037/fam0000554

Brock RL, Franz MR, O’Bleness JJ, Lawrence E.The dynamic interplay between satisfaction with intimate relationship functioning and daily mood in low-income outpatients.Fam Process. 2019;58(4):891-907. doi:10.1111/famp.12402

King-Casas B, Chiu PH.Understanding interpersonal function in psychiatric illness through multiplayer economic games.Biol Psychiatry. 2012;72(2):119-125. doi:10.1016/j.biopsych.2012.03.033

Chandrasekaran B, Van Engen K, Xie Z, Beevers CG, Maddox WT.Influence of depressive symptoms on speech perception in adverse listening conditions.Cogn Emot. 2015;29(5):900-909. doi:10.1080/02699931.2014.944106

Girard JM, Cohn JF, Mahoor MH, Mavadati SM, Hammal Z, Rosenwald DP.Nonverbal social withdrawal in depression: evidence from manual and automatic analysis.Image Vis Comput. 2014;32(10):641-647. doi:10.1016/j.imavis.2013.12.007

UNC Health.How depression can affect sexual health.

Pradeep N, Sutin AR.Spouses and depressive symptoms in older adulthood.Sci Rep. 2015;5:8594. doi:10.1038/srep08594

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