“I promise I’ll change.”

These are four words most people in a relationship with an abusive partner have probably heard. Longed-for yet dreaded, the words can offer both hope and disappointment. Hope that things really will get better this time, and disappointment when, inevitably, the abusive behavior—whether emotional, physical, orverbal—begins all over again.

We’ve all heard that a leopard can’t change its spots. But what about an abusive partner?

Are Abusive Partners Capable of Real Change?

Many experts say itispossiblefor abusive partners to change. Yet false promises to change are often a way to keep victims in abusive relationships. So how do you know when a pledge to change is real—and when it’s just an empty promise?

The truth is, there’sno magical formulato make an abusive person change. And as much as you may care about your partner and wish things were different, no one can “make” anyone else change at all—they have to do that for themselves. But there aresignswe can look for to tell a false promise from a real effort. Ultimately, real accountability begins when the abusive partner acknowledges their abuse, genuinely commits to changing, and prioritizes the feelings, experiences, and desires of their victims over themselves.

While change is possible, it’s hard to do and it takes a lot of time. If you’ve been in an abusive relationship, remember: You deserve safety, respect, and love. You can’tmake anybody else change. But you can care for yourself. You can decide what you need to lead a happy, healthy, and free life, including whether, when, and how to leave the relationship. And you can love yourself with all the patience, passion, and ferocity with which you love others. You deserve it.

Promises and the Cycle of Abuse

If someone is cruel or violent to you all the time, it’s easy to recognize that the relationship just isn’t right. But what most people who haven’t been in an abusive relationship fail to understand is that abusers aren’t necessarily cruel or violent all the time. They can also have moments where they act charming, sweet, and kind — one of thereasonswhy abuse victims stay.

The promise of change can fill the abused partner with hope that maybe, this time, things will get better. Hope is a beautiful thing and wanting a relationship to get better isn’t foolish or shameful — it’s a testament to your optimism and resilience. But sadly, without serious intervention, no matter what the abusive partner promises thecycleofabusewill likely continue.

How to Recognize an Abusive Partner’s Commitment To Change

So whencanreal change happen?

The first sign of a real commitment? Abusive partners stop centering themselves and start feeling true empathy for their victims. They will genuinely recognize the harm they caused to another living, breathing human being, will take responsibility for the abuse, and will participate in any process the victim wishes to enact for accountability — or respect the victim’s desire for no contact at all. Finally, the abuserdefinitelywon’t expect any kind of reward or commendation for “good behavior.” After all, not being abusive shouldn’t win you a medal — it’s basic human decency.

But just wanting to change isn’t enough. The process of genuinely changing harmful behaviors is long, slow, and difficult. It takes a lifetime to learn abusive behaviors, so unlearning those behaviors — while totally possible — takes a heck of a lot of work.

The Survivor Comes First

Sometimes pop songs are right: Love reallycanfeel like a battlefield. But it shouldn’t have to. While it’s totally natural to want to help abusive partners change, the truth is that victims can’t bear such an unfair and exhausting burden. Because love shouldn’t be abattlefieldor even acold and broken hallelujah, it should be a source of support, joy, and nourishment in a difficult world.

So wherever you are in your own relationship, remember that you deserve all good things and more. You can’t make anyone keep their promise to change. But you sure as heck can keep a promise to love, honor, and care for yourself.

Our goal at Talkspace is to provide the most up-to-date, valuable, and objective information on mental health-related topics in order to help readers make informed decisions.

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