Mommy issues in women refer to emotional challenges or behavioral patterns stemming from a complex or troubled relationship with their mother, potentially affecting their adult relationships and self-perception.
Mothers are often the primary caregivers, and these early experiences influence a girl’sattachment style, which can have a significant impact on her as a child as well as in her adult life and relationships.
Mommy issues can manifest differently, and everyone’s experience is unique. A person’s challenges are also not usually the result of one factor but a combination of different things, such as life experiences, trauma, peer interactions, and other family dynamics.
However, the mother-daughter relationship is powerful, and there are some common signs that may indicate mommy issues in women:
The unique bond between mothers and daughter
Mothers are often their daughters’ first female role models and thus teach them what it means to be a woman.
If a mother constantly criticizes her own appearance, has an unhealthy relationship with food, tolerates disrespectful behavior, reinforces traditional gender roles, or is competitive with her daughter, this will significantly affect a girl’s emotional and social development.
1. Negative body image
If a mother constantly criticizes her daughter’s weight, appearance, or clothes, it can slowly chip away at her body image.
A woman may become preoccupied with her appearance and constantly feel inadequate if her mother encourages unrealistic beauty standards or speaks negatively about her own body.
In some cases, this can also lead to eating disorders.
For example, a recently coined phrase “almond mom” describes a mother who encourages unhealthy eating advice and habits in her daughter to keep her skinny.
The phrase comes from a clip of Yolanda Hadid, the mother of model Gigi Hadid, who told Gigi to “eat a few almonds and chew them really well” after Gigi told her she was feeling faint after “eating like half an almond today.”
2. Low self-esteem and seeking validation
If a mother’s love and approval are conditional on her daughter’s achievements and behaviors, her self-esteem and confidence may diminish.
She may never feel good enough and constantly seek external validation from other people in real life and on social media.
It can manifest as negative self-talk like “I’m stupid” or “I’m so ugly”. She may dwell on mistakes and feel like a failure a lot of the time.
3. Feeling unworthy of love
A mother who is very critical, neglectful, or abusive may instill the belief in her daughter that she is unworthy of love.
As a result, she might constantly seek validation or isolate herself to avoid rejection.
She might become clingy and jealous, pick fights, or be emotionally avoidant.
By behaving in these ways, she subconsciously pushes partners away, which confirms her fear that she’s unworthy of love (like a self-fulfilling prophecy).
3. Fear of abandonment
Like the above, a woman might fear abandonment and rejection because she experienced this with her mother.
She might become clingy and preoccupied with relationships (aligned with ananxious attachment) or become emotionally distant and avoidant (aligned with anavoidant attachment).
For example, she might call and text her partner throughout the day and get very upset if he doesn’t reply immediately (clingy).
Or she might frequently cancel dates at the last minute or shut down conversations about commitment (avoidant).
4. Difficulties with emotional expression and being vulnerable
If a mother is very critical, dismisses her daughter’s feelings, or is inconsistent or unpredictable, it can impact a woman’s ability to open up and be vulnerable in relationships.
She might become emotionally distant and avoid intimacy and vulnerability in relationships, struggling to express her feelings openly.
For example, a mom constantly shut down her daughter’s attempts at talking about her feelings, saying things like “You’re so dramatic”.
As a result, this woman struggles to express her emotions in relationships as she’s worried it would be seen as dramatic or a burden.
5. Struggling with boundaries
A woman with mommy issues may struggle withestablishing and maintaining boundaries. This may manifest in the following ways:
6. Excessive independence
As a way to cope, a woman with mommy issues might become extremely independent, rejecting help and not allowing others to care for her.
While independence can be a good thing, it can sometimes prevent the formation of close and intimate relationships.
For example, she might always feel like she has to prove herself and never be a “burden” on her mom, romantic partners, or friends.
She might believe showing emotions and asking for help are weak, so she builds a wall around herself and pushes people away if they try to get close to her.
7. Struggling with self-identity and individuation
In some mother-daughter dynamics, the mother is overly involved in her daughter’s life, doesn’t implement appropriate boundaries, and controls many aspects of her life.
As a result, the daughter might struggle to define herself outside of her relationship with her mother and have difficulty making independent decisions.
She might doubt her decisions, feel overly responsible for her mother, and feel guilty for wanting space.
8. Perfectionism and high standards for self and others
Some women with mommy issues internalize their mother’s unrealistically high standards in all aspects of life, from work to appearance to relationships.
They might hold others to these high standards as well, which can negatively impact relationships.
It can manifest as a need for control and order, difficulties delegating tasks, and criticizing others often.
9. Complex relationships with other women
A woman with mommy issues might see other women as threats, replicating a competitive dynamic with their mother. They might be very critical of other women as they’re projecting their own insecurities onto them.
As a result, they may struggle to form close bonds with women and feel more comfortable around men as they perceive them as less threatening or judgemental.
Conversely, they might seek closeness to other women, especially women who are similar to their mother (for example, a woman of similar age).
In an attempt to fill the maternal void, they might crave their approval and feel drawn to these replacement mother figures.For example, a woman might find herself drawn to her college professor, who is warm and supportive towards her.
10. Difficulties parenting her own children
Some women with mommy issues don’t want to have children out of fear of repeating the same mistakes their own mom made.
In some cases, this can be true, and mommy issues can lead a woman to unintentionally repeat the same patterns with her own children.
In some cases, it can fuel parenting anxiety, and unresolved issues can lead to projecting insecurities onto her child.
Or if her own mom was a workaholic, she might feel she has to spend excessive time with her own kids (hovering as a result of projecting her own insecurities).
11. Mental health issues
Maternal abuse, neglect, or other forms of maltreatment can have a lasting impact on a woman’s mental health.
Low self-esteem, attachment issues, and not learning how to regulate difficult emotions can contribute to the development of mental health issues, such as depression or anxiety.
Insevere cases of neglect and abuse, a woman may develop forms of post-traumatic stress disorder.
How women can resolve mommy issues
Resolvingmommy issues, or issues and insecurities stemming from a difficult relationship between a mother and daughter, takes time and patience.
It’s often helpful to seek professional help as it can be difficult to fully understand these conflicts and insecurities and resolve them alone.
Nevertheless, there are things a woman can do to start the journey towards healing his mommy issues:
General advice
In general, addressing and resolving mommy issues involves:
Advice more specific to women
Here’s some advice that is more specific to women. It’s general advice, so it might not apply to everyone, but you might find some of it useful:
Societal and cultural expectations
Societal and cultural expectations of women can sometimes exacerbate mommy issues for several reasons.
Society often portrays the ideal mother-daughter relationship as close, nurturing, and built on unconditional love.
For women who don’t have this kind of relationship with their mothers, it can be very difficult and make them feel like they’re missing out or have failed in some way.
The cultural expectation that women should be nurturing and selfless can also put pressure on daughters to put their mother’s needs first – known as the “good daughter” myth.
They might feel like they’re obligated to prioritize their moms and have a good relationship with her, which can make it difficult to set boundaries and live an independent life.
These social scripts are often deeply rooted and difficult to overcome, especially if you’re not aware of them. However, building awareness and challenging these expectations can lift some of the pressure.
Challenge your inner (maternal) critic
Negative messages about appearance and the mother’s own relationship to her body can have a lasting impact on a woman’s confidence.
Gain independence from your mother
Blurred boundaries (or enmeshment) are also more common between mothers and their daughters. This can result in the daughter having difficulty developing her own sense of identity apart from her mother.
She might feel overly responsible for her mother and experience guilt for seeking independence.
Remember that healing mommy issues takes time and patience – don’t expect things to change overnight.
There might be setbacks and obstacles, but if you keep working on them, you’ll start seeing small changes that eventually lead to bigger changes.
It’s a journey and you’ll learn many new things about yourself on the way. Always make time for self-care and never hesitate to ask for support.
Saul McLeod, PhD
BSc (Hons) Psychology, MRes, PhD, University of Manchester
Saul McLeod, PhD., is a qualified psychology teacher with over 18 years of experience in further and higher education. He has been published in peer-reviewed journals, including the Journal of Clinical Psychology.
Olivia Guy-Evans, MSc
BSc (Hons) Psychology, MSc Psychology of Education
Olivia Guy-Evans is a writer and associate editor for Simply Psychology. She has previously worked in healthcare and educational sectors.
Anna DrescherMental Health WriterBSc (Hons), Psychology, Goldsmiths University, MSc in Psychotherapy, University of QueenslandAnna Drescher is a freelance writer and solution-focused hypnotherapist, specializing in CBT and meditation. Using insights from her experience working as an NHS Assistant Clinical Psychologist and Recovery Officer, along with her Master’s degree in Psychotherapy, she lends deep empathy and profound understanding to her mental health and relationships writing.
Anna DrescherMental Health WriterBSc (Hons), Psychology, Goldsmiths University, MSc in Psychotherapy, University of Queensland
Anna Drescher
Mental Health Writer
BSc (Hons), Psychology, Goldsmiths University, MSc in Psychotherapy, University of Queensland
Anna Drescher is a freelance writer and solution-focused hypnotherapist, specializing in CBT and meditation. Using insights from her experience working as an NHS Assistant Clinical Psychologist and Recovery Officer, along with her Master’s degree in Psychotherapy, she lends deep empathy and profound understanding to her mental health and relationships writing.
