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“The color of my skin and shape of my eyes makes me different & incapable of finding love.”

While my skin color and eye shape may be different from some, it does not make me incapable of finding love.

This statement had such a profound negative impact on my way of thinking. Over the years, I’ve had to realize that this racist, intolerant remark was just a reflection of one person. Just because I heard it from ONE person as a middle school preteen does not make it an absolute truth.

My background

My parents are originally from the Philippines. They immigrated here in 1975 and lived the quintessential “American Dream.” My father was a successful anesthesiologist and my mother was a registered nurse. They were able to leave a third-world country and raise their three children in America. I will never be able to share my gratitude for all the hard work they experienced to have my brothers and me live a comfortable life growing up.

However, wealth and being born in America do not exclude you from racism. Growing up in a small town in New Jersey, I was frequently the only Asian in the room. This feeling of being the “outcast” has contributed to many of my characteristics and even subconscious feelings. I endlessly wanted to fit in and it’s hard to just be myself. This feeling of caring what other people think has hindered me in so many ways. It causes insecurity within yourself that you will never be enough.

I also live withbipolar disorder type I. As an Asian American female living with a mental illness I have felt so much shame. It took twodiagnoses of bipolar disorderfor me to finally accept that I needed help.

This unwillingness to seek mental health services is prevalent in Asian American communities. According to an article published in the American Psychological Association, “Asian Americans are three times less likely to seek mental health services than Whites."

Growing up in a Filipino household, mental health was not something that we typically discussed. To my knowledge, none of my relatives had any formal diagnosis of mental illness. It was a shock to myself and even my family when the doctors revealed my erratic behavior and fluctuating moods were symptoms of bipolar disorder I.

Why are members of the AAPI (Asian American and Pacific Islander) community so reluctant to find help? In my personal experience, it breaks down to three important areas:

Marginalized Mental Health Matters: What Experts Want You to Know

Stereotypes

There are several stereotypes that I have felt pigeonholed. One is the “model minority.” This view can inaccurately portray Asian Americans as “successfully integrating into mainstream culture and having overcome the challenges of racial bias.“According to this portrayal of how people expected me to behave, the pressure to fit into this mold of being a “model minority” has heavily caused me to not only be a people pleaser but also have an unrealistic goal of perfection.

Why would I want to share any mental health difficulties or challenges I was facing? I already felt so much anxiety that I had to be perfect. After my initial diagnosis of bipolar disorder, I clung to this idea of perfection. If I’m supposed to be a “model minority,” how can I reveal to others that I am mentally and chronically ill? My mental health was deteriorating at the time, keeping everything bottled up inside.

If I’m supposed to be a ‘model minority,’ how can I reveal to others that I am mentally and chronically ill?

Another stereotype I have struggled with is Asians, especially Asian women, are regarded as submissive and overly compliant. I have heard remarks as being a “mail order bride” and accusations that I was only marrying my Caucasian husband for his money.

Yes, “Positive Stereotypes” Are Still Harmful

Past Racial Trauma

When I was five years old, I remember riding the bus to kindergarten. There were boys, maybe a couple years older than me, sitting in the front. They happened to be White, and they kept pulling back the corners of their eyes while looking at me. It took me only seconds to realize they were making fun of me. Writing and even speaking aloud about this still triggers me. My eyes well up, embarrassingly, because it happened so long ago but is something that has stayed with me my entire life. It was the first time I noticed that I was “different.” I grew up in a small town in New Jersey, where there weren’t a lot of Asians. Moments like this continued to happen while I was growing up. I remember a boy, maybe in 3rd grade, outwardly calling me a “chink” on the playground. I’m 75% Filipino and 25% Chinese. I’m of Asian descent. I also happen to be living with bipolar disorder. These two factors in my life have always made me feel misunderstood, like an outcast, even overlooked.

I wrote those words last year for another publication, and today reading it back, I still feel the pain and embarrassment. I had always felt like I had to overcompensate in everything I did, especially when it came to how I looked.

Living with bipolar disorder is like living with aninvisible illness. While people may discriminate against my race on the outside, I felt somewhat ‘protected’ knowing my mental illness was hidden.

The Stigma Surrounding Mental Illness

A University of Maryland study revealed that mental health is considered taboo in Asian communities. Most still feel discouraged from pursuing help or outside resources regarding mental health concerns due to fear of alienation.

I started a blog in the summer of 2020. We had recently purchased a farmhouse and I thought how fun it would be to detail my experiences with homesteading. Turns out, I didn’t know squat. So when I came to writing the “About Me” section, I really wanted to keep it candid—I revealed that I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder I. My blog, farmerish.org, then turned into a mental health outlet and started my writing journey opening up about my mental illness.

So What’s Next?

Microaggressions regarding my racestill occur. I was in Target at the beginning of the pandemic, and a woman was holding a cleaning product. Looking my way, she loudly said, “I’m going to buy this product because it was made in AMERICA.” Now, I don’t know if she was feeling extra patriotic, but her tone was discriminatory, which is hurtful because I AM American.

I have extended kindness and acceptance to not just those around me but most importantly, to myself. Mark Twain stated, “The worst loneliness is not to be comfortable with yourself.” I have learned to embrace my culture and be comfortable in my own skin. In turn, I’ve learned that I am worthy and capable of love.

17 Mental Health Resources For Asian Americans and Pacific Islanders

3 SourcesVerywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.American Psychological Association.Mental Health Among Asian-Americans.American Psychological Association.From Exotic to Invisible: Asian American Womens' Experiences of Discrimination.bpHope.How My Experiences as an Asian American Trigger My Bipolar.

3 Sources

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.American Psychological Association.Mental Health Among Asian-Americans.American Psychological Association.From Exotic to Invisible: Asian American Womens' Experiences of Discrimination.bpHope.How My Experiences as an Asian American Trigger My Bipolar.

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.

American Psychological Association.Mental Health Among Asian-Americans.American Psychological Association.From Exotic to Invisible: Asian American Womens' Experiences of Discrimination.bpHope.How My Experiences as an Asian American Trigger My Bipolar.

American Psychological Association.Mental Health Among Asian-Americans.

American Psychological Association.From Exotic to Invisible: Asian American Womens' Experiences of Discrimination.

bpHope.How My Experiences as an Asian American Trigger My Bipolar.

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