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No marriage is perfect; every couple faces their share of problems.Marriage counselingexists to help couples resolve these issues and repair from conflict, better understand each other, and improve relationship dynamics and communication.
Although there are always ups and downs in a marriage, if there are too many low points, it may be a sign of trouble. It is estimated that on average, couples wait for 2.68 years after problems arise before starting therapy.While a marriage counselor can’t tell couples if their marriage will last, they can help you work through problems in a tried and true manner.
A study showedEmotionally Focused Couple Therapy(EFT) increased relationship satisfaction and attachment for two years after engaging in EFT. This can be seen as evidence that marriage counseling can prevent couples from getting a divorce.
This article explores relationship questions to ask your partner, common sources of conflict and effective strategies to help resolve relationship problems.
How Marriage Counseling Can Save Your Relationship, According to Therapists
15 Marriage Counseling Questions to Ask Your Partner
Asking your partner questions can help determine the health of your marriage. This is done in marriage counseling, where partners often have to dig deep into the relationship to thoughtfully answer questions about their relationship and how they view it. Before starting the conversation, it’s essential to focus on the positive attributes instead of criticism,blame, guilt andshame.
“You want to make sure each person leaves the conversation feeling positive, has constructive ways they can improve the relationship, and has a clear understanding of what the other person needs without feeling personally attacked”, saysDr. Sabrina Romanoff, a clinical psychologist, professor, and writer in New York City.
Here are some questions to ask your partner and how it relates to the quality of your marriage:
1. When you do you feel peaceful and content with me? When do you feel sad with me? Happy? Angry? Frustrated?
This helps bring out the feelings you experience with each other and what causes those feelings. Not everyone is comfortable with or has the experience of talking about their feelings and what evokes them. Practice listening and patience with your partner and approach these questions and their responses with curiosity. The intention is not to judge, shame, or criticize, but to better understand your partner. Try your best to create a safe and encouraging space for them express themselves to you in a way that’s true for them.
2. What are your favorite memories of us?
Remind yourselves of the good in the relationship. Think about the memories and experiences that brought you together. Reflect on the foundation that you have built and what you want to continue strengthening together.
3. Are there things we used to do together that you’d like us to start doing again?
Life gets busy. Whether it’s a making a career change, having kids, or moving to a new city, it’s easy to put the things we enjoy on the back burner. Think aboutshared activities, hobbies, and interestsfrom the past. What did you each enjoy and what would you like to make time and space to share together again?
4. What do you feel our strengths are, as individuals and together as a couple?
Identify your individual and shared strengths. How do you complement each other? What do you do well together? How can you use your strengths to support each other as members of the same team?
5. What are our current issues and areas of improvement?
It’s hard to beginconflict resolutionwithout identifying what the problems are.
Dr. Romanoff explains, “It is important for couples to first identify their issues or core conflicts and then both agree and commit to working on these problems when they arise in the future…a couple that is determined to stay in the relationship, be introspective, and work on themselves tend[s] to have better outcomes.”
6. What concerns or worries you about us?
It can be difficult to hear your partner’s concerns, but this question also allows you to better understand where they are coming from so worries can be addressed and tended to.
“Having the ability to listen to understand instead of respond or react is the way around this. Being able to grasp your partner’s perspective without feeling like you have to defend yours is key to creating a harmonious, drama-free relationship,” explainsLesli Doares, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and the Founder ofFoundations Coaching.
7. How could we approach and improve these things together?
Brainstorm ideas and strategies to find a solution to your core issues. Doing this together can help you think as ateamrather than as individuals fighting for what they need and want in the marriage.
8. Are there things you’d like that we have yet to try together?
Think outside the box and come up with creative solutions. This may be scheduling a date night once a month. Or this could be signing up for a class you’ve both always wanted to try. This may also mean attending marriage counseling sessions.
9. What could I do or change to help you feel more comfortable sharing even more honestly and openly with me?
Acting and behaving authentically around your partner is crucial for a healthy marriage. If you or your partner feel like they’rewalking on eggshellsor need to constantly bite their tongue, it can be difficult to talk about the issues in a meaningful way.
10. What would help help strengthen and deepen your trust even more with me?
A relationship withouttrustis one withoutintimacyorhonesty. If you or your partner does not trust the other, it is very difficult to showvulnerability. You will tend to doubt each other and trouble can easily arise.
11. How effective do you feel our communication styles are, what patterns do you notice we have, and how could we improve together?
Effective communication is key to any relationship, especially in a marriage.
“Couples who work on their communication — meaning they are introspective and identify their issues, create safety with each other to openly discuss them without criticizing or hurting the other, and are aligned in their goals to improve the relationship and how they work together as a team (instead of trying to change the other person) tend to have more success,” says Dr. Romanoff.
12. What is something I’ve done for you that you appreciated and what about it made you feel cared for?
13. What do you think of marriage counseling?
Not everyone is open to the idea of attending couples therapy. It’s important to be on the same page before considering it.
14. If you/we are thinking about leaving this relationship, what would we each need to consider staying?
This is a question that could be triggering and is something to bring up when you are both feeling calm, centered, and open. If one or both of you are considering leaving the relationship, addressing this question directly could help you each gather more information needed to consider next steps.
15. Is there anything on your mind you’d like to share with me that you haven’t yet and would like to now?
Again, it’s important to be open and honest about your feelings towards each other. This can help clear the air and identify potential issues that are contributing to feelings ofresentment.
It is important to ask this question when you are both in a grounded and emotionally regulated safe and to create a safe space for both of you to share from a place of curiosity, care, compassion, and understanding instead of shame, blame, criticism, or judgment.
Is Your Relationship Ready for the Long Haul? Ask Yourself These 4 Questions
What Causes the Most Conflict Between Couples?
Everyone is unique: we all grew up with different family influences, in different environments and social landscapes. Therefore, most conflicts between couples are due to “having different perspectives, experiences, and expectations,” Doares says.
Conflict can be related to extended family issues, intimacy, finances, parenting or running a household; however, “all [are] a result of the couple not knowing how to both accept and navigate their differences,” explains Doares.
Talking about these differences effectively and making a plan that caters to both of your unique experiences can help you gain a deeper perspective of each other.
Additionally, regardless of what is causing conflict in the relationship, marriage counselors should have protocol that applies.
Common Marriage Problems and Solutions
What Happens If My Partner Refuses to Attend Therapy or Slacks Off On the Work?
Viewing therapy as goal setting instead of work can make people more inclined to attend session. “Having a good relationship takes effort, energy, and intent — not work”, says Doares.
“Going in as a team to learn skills as opposed to either one of you or the relationship being broken is going to make it easier. Focusing on compassion and understanding, not judgment also works,” Doares explains.
Should Couples Have a Time Limit to Fix Their Issues?
It may be a good idea to set a time limit to fix your issues as it makes it “easier and faster to get guidance early on so they learn and implement what makes relationships work instead of trying to repair a rift later,” says Doares.
Specifically, Doares explains, “Couples should be willing to commit to six months to get things on track. This is assuming both people are willing to take direction and ownership. If they stay stuck in right or wrong, blame and judgment, things will take longer.”
What Strategies Help Couples Save Their Marriage?
Beforesetting any goalsor picking strategies to improve your marriage, it’s important to set realistic expectations. People tend to pick one another as partners because their problems are complementary.
For instance, one partner is a taker and the other is a giver. Or one partner criticizes or pursues and the other avoids or withdraws. Dr. Romanoff adds, “These are life-long coping styles and cannot be turned into black-or-white issues”.
In addition to couples therapy, whether it’sonline couples therapy like Tallkspaceor in-person with a therapist, having daily check-ins with your partner about these fundamental issues can be an effective strategy.
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2 SourcesVerywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Doherty WJ, Harris SM, Hall EL, Hubbard AK.How long do people wait before seeking couples therapy? A research note.J Marital Fam Ther. 2021;47(4):882–890.Wiebe SA, Johnson SM, Lafontaine MF, Burgess Moser M, Dalgleish TL, Tasca GA.Two-year follow-up outcomes in emotionally focused couple therapy: an investigation of relationship satisfaction and attachment trajectories.J Marital Fam Ther. 2017;43(2):227–244.
2 Sources
Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Doherty WJ, Harris SM, Hall EL, Hubbard AK.How long do people wait before seeking couples therapy? A research note.J Marital Fam Ther. 2021;47(4):882–890.Wiebe SA, Johnson SM, Lafontaine MF, Burgess Moser M, Dalgleish TL, Tasca GA.Two-year follow-up outcomes in emotionally focused couple therapy: an investigation of relationship satisfaction and attachment trajectories.J Marital Fam Ther. 2017;43(2):227–244.
Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.
Doherty WJ, Harris SM, Hall EL, Hubbard AK.How long do people wait before seeking couples therapy? A research note.J Marital Fam Ther. 2021;47(4):882–890.Wiebe SA, Johnson SM, Lafontaine MF, Burgess Moser M, Dalgleish TL, Tasca GA.Two-year follow-up outcomes in emotionally focused couple therapy: an investigation of relationship satisfaction and attachment trajectories.J Marital Fam Ther. 2017;43(2):227–244.
Doherty WJ, Harris SM, Hall EL, Hubbard AK.How long do people wait before seeking couples therapy? A research note.J Marital Fam Ther. 2021;47(4):882–890.
Wiebe SA, Johnson SM, Lafontaine MF, Burgess Moser M, Dalgleish TL, Tasca GA.Two-year follow-up outcomes in emotionally focused couple therapy: an investigation of relationship satisfaction and attachment trajectories.J Marital Fam Ther. 2017;43(2):227–244.
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