Making the Decision to End Your Marriage

Table of ContentsView AllTable of ContentsFactors to ConsiderSignsImpacts of IndecisionSteps to TakeProfessional HelpMoving Forward

Table of ContentsView All

View All

Table of Contents

Factors to Consider

Signs

Impacts of Indecision

Steps to Take

Professional Help

Moving Forward

The decision toend a marriageis often one of the most challenging choices people will face during their adult lives. For many people, it is a process that involves a long process of debating whether to stay or go.

There is no easy way to determine if divorce is your right choice. Only you can weigh the pros and cons, assess the impact it will have on your life, and determine if moving on from your marriage is the best option.

If you are agonizing over whether or not to file for divorce, this article discusses some of the steps you can take in this process.

Factors to Consider Before Ending Your Marriage

Divorce is a significant life change and often represents a major source of stress and grief for many adults. According to the Holmes and Rahe stress scale, a measure of life events that increase the risk of illness, divorce ranks as the second most stressful life event, coming in behind only the death of a spouse.

Because divorce is such a big decision, there are several factors to consider before ending your marriage. Some questions to ask yourself:

Research suggests that divorce has significant economic effects, which disproportionately impact women. One study found that women lost approximately 40% of their incomes in the year following a divorce, while men experienced a 5% gain.

Signs It Might Be Time to End Your Marriage

Only you know the answer to whether you’re better off staying married or getting adivorce. Sometimesmarriage is worth savingand sometimes it isn’t. It’s important to face the realities—and not just the fantasy—of divorce.

Some reasons why you might decide that divorce is the right option include:

Abuse

Abuseis a sign that you should never ignore. If there is abuse in your marriage, it is important to start planning how to leave the relationship safely.

Abuse can take many forms, including physical, sexual, and emotional abuse.Controlling behavior, neglect, and financial abuse are also red flags you should never ignore.

If you or a loved one are a victim of domestic violence, contact theNational Domestic Violence Hotlineat1-800-799-7233for confidential assistance from trained advocates.If you are in immediate danger, call911. For more mental health resources, see ourNational Helpline Database.

If you or a loved one are a victim of domestic violence, contact theNational Domestic Violence Hotlineat1-800-799-7233for confidential assistance from trained advocates.

If you are in immediate danger, call911. For more mental health resources, see ourNational Helpline Database.

Differing Goals or Values

Sometimes people in relationships find that they have different goals for the future. While such differences can often be resolved through discussion and compromise, conflicting visions of the future are sometimes simply incompatible.

Significant differences in values and beliefs can create conflicts in relationships that may not be resolvable. In such cases, ending the marriage might be the best solution for both of you.

Stress

If your marriage is creating distress, making you unhappy, or affecting your ability to function, it is a sign that divorce should be a serious consideration.

While married people tend to be happier and have better health, research has shown that people in unhappy marriages experience significant declines in health.

Lack of Intimacy

Intimacyis an essential part of any healthy relationship. It isn’t just about physical closeness; it is also about your emotional, intellectual, spiritual, and experiential connection.

While it is normal for every relationship to have its ups and downs, serious intimacy problems can emerge due to conflict, stress, poor communication, and other issues.

In some cases, it is possible to recapture the intimacy in your relationship. But if that isn’t possible, you might consider whether it is time to end the relationship.

Research has found that lack of intimacy in a marriage is the most common reason for divorce.

Expert-Vetted: Our Picks for the Best Online Sex Therapy Services of 2024

One-Sidedness

If you do all of the work in the relationship, it can put a marriage in peril. Examples ofone-sided relationshipsinclude being the one who does all the housework, performs all the emotional labor, and provides all the financial support.

While it is normal for each person to have differing roles in a marriage, a profoundly unequal division of labor signifies that a marriage may be headed for divorce.

Indifference

Growing indifference between you and your partner is another significant sign that your marriage might be headed for divorce. Apathy erodes the emotional connection you share. If you’ve stopped caring about one another, it is a sign of a serious problem that needs to be addressed.

Before divorce, people often go through a period of detachment, where they emotionally disconnect from their partner. Growing indifference can often be a sign of this detachment. It can sometimes be a form of self-protection in an unhappy relationship, but it can also be a way of preparing yourself for the end of a relationship.

Impact of an Unhappy Marriage

For many couples, the amount of time they’ve already invested in their marriages has a lot to do with their decision to stay or to go. It’s generally easier for a younger married couple to divorce and start their lives over again than for partners who’ve been together for a decade or more.

But staying in a state of indecision can also take a toll. Sticking with a marriage that isn’t working is an example of the sunk costs fallacy, which involves feeling reluctant to abandon a decision because you’ve already invested so much in it. Ultimately, failing to decide to stay or go means more time wasted and more stress.

Consider these effects of being in a state of limbo:

Steps to Take Before Making the Decision

Before you make the decision to end your marriage, there are steps you can take that might give you some clarity. Taking these steps might help improve your current situation, but they can also help you get ready to deal with the major changes and upheaval that divorce can bring to your life.

You may need some time away to view your marriage more clearly. Getting away alone, even for a weekend, can help you sort things out. For many people, this is when something clicks inside and they know what to do.

When to Seek Professional Help

If you’re contemplating divorce, see aprofessional licensed counselorthat works with couples—even if you go alone.

Be sure to see someone with a good amount of experience in couples' work. Sometimes a therapist with a lack of understanding of relational interactions will help put the nail in the marital coffin. Better yet, you both can try discernment counseling, a type of counseling that focuses solely on helping couples decide whether they want to end their relationship or work on it.

The Best Online Marriage Counseling Programs

If you decide to proceed with a divorce, it is important to take steps to support your health and well-being throughout the process.

If you do make the decision to divorce, be good to yourself. Remember that if your marriage fails, it doesn’t mean you’re a failure. Some unhealthy relationships are not meant to succeed. Sometimes people keep trying to make sense of something that doesn’t make sense or can’t be solved.

The 10 Best Online Divorce Counseling Services, Tried and Tested

A Word From Verywell

Ending your marriage is a difficult and complex decision. It pays to give it adequate thought and consider all of the alternatives before making a decision. You might decide that staying with your partner is the right choice, but you might also decide that divorce is the right choice. Whatever you decide, make sure that you care for yourself, consider the impact it may have on your life, and consult professionals who can help.

8 SourcesVerywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Parsaei R, Roohafza H, Feizi A, Sadeghi M, Sarrafzadegan N.How different stressors affect quality of life: An application of multilevel latent class analysis on a large sample of industrial employees.Risk Manag Healthc Policy. 2020;13:1261-1270. doi:10.2147/RMHP.S256800Leopold T.Gender differences in the consequences of divorce: A study of multiple outcomes.Demography. 2018;55(3):769-797. doi:10.1007/s13524-018-0667-6Nemours Foundation.Abuse.Gere J, Almeida DM, Martire LM.The effects of lack of joint goal planning on divorce over 10 years.PLoS One. 2016;11(9):e0163543. doi:10.1371/journal.pone.0163543Shrout MR.The health consequences of stress in couples: A review and new integrated Dyadic Biobehavioral Stress Model.Brain Behav Immun Health. 2021;16:100328. doi:10.1016/j.bbih.2021.100328Strizzi JM, Sander S, Ciprić A, Hald GM.“I had not seen star wars” and other motives for divorce in Denmark.Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy. 2020;46(1):57-66. doi:10.1080/0092623X.2019.1641871Scott SB, Rhoades GK, Stanley SM, Allen ES, Markman HJ.Reasons for divorce and recollections of premarital intervention: Implications for improving relationship education.Couple Family Psychol. 2013;2(2):131-145. doi:10.1037/a0032025Medic G, Wille M, Hemels ME.Short- and long-term health consequences of sleep disruption.Nat Sci Sleep. 2017;9:151-161. doi:10.2147/NSS.S134864

8 Sources

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Parsaei R, Roohafza H, Feizi A, Sadeghi M, Sarrafzadegan N.How different stressors affect quality of life: An application of multilevel latent class analysis on a large sample of industrial employees.Risk Manag Healthc Policy. 2020;13:1261-1270. doi:10.2147/RMHP.S256800Leopold T.Gender differences in the consequences of divorce: A study of multiple outcomes.Demography. 2018;55(3):769-797. doi:10.1007/s13524-018-0667-6Nemours Foundation.Abuse.Gere J, Almeida DM, Martire LM.The effects of lack of joint goal planning on divorce over 10 years.PLoS One. 2016;11(9):e0163543. doi:10.1371/journal.pone.0163543Shrout MR.The health consequences of stress in couples: A review and new integrated Dyadic Biobehavioral Stress Model.Brain Behav Immun Health. 2021;16:100328. doi:10.1016/j.bbih.2021.100328Strizzi JM, Sander S, Ciprić A, Hald GM.“I had not seen star wars” and other motives for divorce in Denmark.Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy. 2020;46(1):57-66. doi:10.1080/0092623X.2019.1641871Scott SB, Rhoades GK, Stanley SM, Allen ES, Markman HJ.Reasons for divorce and recollections of premarital intervention: Implications for improving relationship education.Couple Family Psychol. 2013;2(2):131-145. doi:10.1037/a0032025Medic G, Wille M, Hemels ME.Short- and long-term health consequences of sleep disruption.Nat Sci Sleep. 2017;9:151-161. doi:10.2147/NSS.S134864

Parsaei R, Roohafza H, Feizi A, Sadeghi M, Sarrafzadegan N.How different stressors affect quality of life: An application of multilevel latent class analysis on a large sample of industrial employees.Risk Manag Healthc Policy. 2020;13:1261-1270. doi:10.2147/RMHP.S256800Leopold T.Gender differences in the consequences of divorce: A study of multiple outcomes.Demography. 2018;55(3):769-797. doi:10.1007/s13524-018-0667-6Nemours Foundation.Abuse.Gere J, Almeida DM, Martire LM.The effects of lack of joint goal planning on divorce over 10 years.PLoS One. 2016;11(9):e0163543. doi:10.1371/journal.pone.0163543Shrout MR.The health consequences of stress in couples: A review and new integrated Dyadic Biobehavioral Stress Model.Brain Behav Immun Health. 2021;16:100328. doi:10.1016/j.bbih.2021.100328Strizzi JM, Sander S, Ciprić A, Hald GM.“I had not seen star wars” and other motives for divorce in Denmark.Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy. 2020;46(1):57-66. doi:10.1080/0092623X.2019.1641871Scott SB, Rhoades GK, Stanley SM, Allen ES, Markman HJ.Reasons for divorce and recollections of premarital intervention: Implications for improving relationship education.Couple Family Psychol. 2013;2(2):131-145. doi:10.1037/a0032025Medic G, Wille M, Hemels ME.Short- and long-term health consequences of sleep disruption.Nat Sci Sleep. 2017;9:151-161. doi:10.2147/NSS.S134864

Leopold T.Gender differences in the consequences of divorce: A study of multiple outcomes.Demography. 2018;55(3):769-797. doi:10.1007/s13524-018-0667-6

Nemours Foundation.Abuse.

Gere J, Almeida DM, Martire LM.The effects of lack of joint goal planning on divorce over 10 years.PLoS One. 2016;11(9):e0163543. doi:10.1371/journal.pone.0163543

Shrout MR.The health consequences of stress in couples: A review and new integrated Dyadic Biobehavioral Stress Model.Brain Behav Immun Health. 2021;16:100328. doi:10.1016/j.bbih.2021.100328

Strizzi JM, Sander S, Ciprić A, Hald GM.“I had not seen star wars” and other motives for divorce in Denmark.Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy. 2020;46(1):57-66. doi:10.1080/0092623X.2019.1641871

Scott SB, Rhoades GK, Stanley SM, Allen ES, Markman HJ.Reasons for divorce and recollections of premarital intervention: Implications for improving relationship education.Couple Family Psychol. 2013;2(2):131-145. doi:10.1037/a0032025

Medic G, Wille M, Hemels ME.Short- and long-term health consequences of sleep disruption.Nat Sci Sleep. 2017;9:151-161. doi:10.2147/NSS.S134864

Meet Our Review Board

Share Feedback

Was this page helpful?Thanks for your feedback!What is your feedback?HelpfulReport an ErrorOtherSubmit

Was this page helpful?

Thanks for your feedback!

What is your feedback?HelpfulReport an ErrorOtherSubmit

What is your feedback?

Factors to Consider Before Ending Your Marriage#

Signs It Might Be Time to End Your Marriage#

Abuse#

Differing Goals or Values#

Stress#

Lack of Intimacy#

One-Sidedness#

Indifference#

Other Problems#

Impact of an Unhappy Marriage#

Steps to Take Before Making the Decision#

When to Seek Professional Help#

A Word From Verywell#