A note about terminology: While “alcoholic” is a colloquial term,the National Institutes of Health (NIH) recommends saying “person with alcohol use disorder” for accuracy and to reduce stigma.Alcohol use disorder (AUD) describes a diagnosable medical condition that is classified as mild, moderate, or severe.
Verywell / Laura Porter
Loving someone withalcohol use disorder (AUD)often feels like walking a tightrope. It can be difficult to know what to do to minimize conflict and stress, support your loved one, and tend to your own needs at the same time. You might feelhelplessto change anything at all.
However, certain things you can do may help relieve the pressure and, in some cases, also better help your loved one start their path to recovery.
At a Glance
1Do Free Yourself From BlameIt’s common for someone with AUD to try to blame their drinking on circumstances or others around them, including those who are closest to them. It’s common to hear them say, “The only reason I drink is because you…“Don’t buy into it. If your loved one is trulydependent on alcohol, they are going to drink no matter what you do or say. It’s not your fault.
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Do Free Yourself From BlameIt’s common for someone with AUD to try to blame their drinking on circumstances or others around them, including those who are closest to them. It’s common to hear them say, “The only reason I drink is because you…“Don’t buy into it. If your loved one is trulydependent on alcohol, they are going to drink no matter what you do or say. It’s not your fault.
Do Free Yourself From Blame
It’s common for someone with AUD to try to blame their drinking on circumstances or others around them, including those who are closest to them. It’s common to hear them say, “The only reason I drink is because you…”
Don’t buy into it. If your loved one is trulydependent on alcohol, they are going to drink no matter what you do or say. It’s not your fault.
2
Don’t Take It Personally
When someone with alcohol dependency promises they will never drink again but a short time later are back to drinking as much as always, it is easy to take the broken promises and lies personally. You may think, “If they really love me, they wouldn’t lie to me.”
3Do Know When to Take a Step BackMany family members of someone struggling with alcohol dependency try everything they can think of to get their loved one to stop drinking. Unfortunately, this usually results in leaving those family members feeling lonely and frustrated.You may tell yourself that surely there is something you can do. But the reality is that not even the person dependent on alcohol can control their drinking, try as they may.Let a Crisis HappenYou may still want tohelp your loved onewhen they are in the middle of a crisis. However, a crisis is usually the time when youshoulddo nothing. When someone reaches a crisis point, sometimes that’s when they finally admit they have a problem and begin to reach out for help.If friends or family members rush in and “rescue” the person from the crisis situation, it can delay the decision to get help.For those who love someone living with an addiction, it isverydifficult to sit back and let the crisis play out to its fullest extent. When they reach the point in their substance use when they get a DUI, lose their job, or go to jail, for example, it can be difficult to accept that the best thing they can do in the situation is nothing.You don’t have to create a crisis, butlearning detachmentwill help you allow a crisis—one that may be the only way to create change—to happen.
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Do Know When to Take a Step BackMany family members of someone struggling with alcohol dependency try everything they can think of to get their loved one to stop drinking. Unfortunately, this usually results in leaving those family members feeling lonely and frustrated.You may tell yourself that surely there is something you can do. But the reality is that not even the person dependent on alcohol can control their drinking, try as they may.Let a Crisis HappenYou may still want tohelp your loved onewhen they are in the middle of a crisis. However, a crisis is usually the time when youshoulddo nothing. When someone reaches a crisis point, sometimes that’s when they finally admit they have a problem and begin to reach out for help.If friends or family members rush in and “rescue” the person from the crisis situation, it can delay the decision to get help.For those who love someone living with an addiction, it isverydifficult to sit back and let the crisis play out to its fullest extent. When they reach the point in their substance use when they get a DUI, lose their job, or go to jail, for example, it can be difficult to accept that the best thing they can do in the situation is nothing.You don’t have to create a crisis, butlearning detachmentwill help you allow a crisis—one that may be the only way to create change—to happen.
Do Know When to Take a Step Back
Many family members of someone struggling with alcohol dependency try everything they can think of to get their loved one to stop drinking. Unfortunately, this usually results in leaving those family members feeling lonely and frustrated.
You may tell yourself that surely there is something you can do. But the reality is that not even the person dependent on alcohol can control their drinking, try as they may.
Let a Crisis Happen
You may still want tohelp your loved onewhen they are in the middle of a crisis. However, a crisis is usually the time when youshoulddo nothing. When someone reaches a crisis point, sometimes that’s when they finally admit they have a problem and begin to reach out for help.
If friends or family members rush in and “rescue” the person from the crisis situation, it can delay the decision to get help.
For those who love someone living with an addiction, it isverydifficult to sit back and let the crisis play out to its fullest extent. When they reach the point in their substance use when they get a DUI, lose their job, or go to jail, for example, it can be difficult to accept that the best thing they can do in the situation is nothing.
You don’t have to create a crisis, butlearning detachmentwill help you allow a crisis—one that may be the only way to create change—to happen.
4Do Understand They’ll Need Outside HelpSubstance use disorder is a primary, chronic, andprogressive diseasethat sometimes can be fatal.No matter your background or expertise, your loved one will likely need outside help.Keep in mind that someone with alcohol dependence usuallygoes through a few stagesbefore they are ready to make a change. Research suggests that it often takes two to five attempts for a person to successfully quit.Until they begin to contemplatequitting, any actions you take to “help” them quit will often be met with resistance.Remember, it’s not your responsibility to “cure” their AUD. You just happen to love someone who is probably going to need professional treatment to get healthy again. That’s their responsibility, not yours.Treatment for AUD can include counseling, support groups, and medication.
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Do Understand They’ll Need Outside HelpSubstance use disorder is a primary, chronic, andprogressive diseasethat sometimes can be fatal.No matter your background or expertise, your loved one will likely need outside help.Keep in mind that someone with alcohol dependence usuallygoes through a few stagesbefore they are ready to make a change. Research suggests that it often takes two to five attempts for a person to successfully quit.Until they begin to contemplatequitting, any actions you take to “help” them quit will often be met with resistance.Remember, it’s not your responsibility to “cure” their AUD. You just happen to love someone who is probably going to need professional treatment to get healthy again. That’s their responsibility, not yours.Treatment for AUD can include counseling, support groups, and medication.
Do Understand They’ll Need Outside Help
Substance use disorder is a primary, chronic, andprogressive diseasethat sometimes can be fatal.No matter your background or expertise, your loved one will likely need outside help.
Keep in mind that someone with alcohol dependence usuallygoes through a few stagesbefore they are ready to make a change. Research suggests that it often takes two to five attempts for a person to successfully quit.Until they begin to contemplatequitting, any actions you take to “help” them quit will often be met with resistance.
Remember, it’s not your responsibility to “cure” their AUD. You just happen to love someone who is probably going to need professional treatment to get healthy again. That’s their responsibility, not yours.
Treatment for AUD can include counseling, support groups, and medication.
5
Don’t Accept Unacceptable Behavior
Accepting unacceptable behavior usually begins with some small incident that you brush off with, “They just had too much to drink.” But the next time, the behavior may get a little worse and then even worse. You might slowly begin to accept more and more unacceptable behavior. Before you realize it, you can find yourself in a full-blown abusiverelationship.
Abuse is never acceptable. You do not have to put up with unacceptable behavior in your life. You have choices.
Protect your children, and don’t hesitate to keep them away from someone who drinks and does not respect your boundaries. Growing up in a home where alcohol use is common can leave lasting scars.
How Children Are Affected By Parents With Alcohol Use Disorder
6Do Have Reasonable ExpectationsWhat might seem like a reasonable expectation in some circumstances might be totally unreasonable when it comes to someone with an addiction. When your loved one swears to you and to themselves that they will never touch another drop of alcohol, you might believe them.However, for someone with an alcohol dependence, that expectation may turn out to be unreasonable. If the person is incapable of even being honest with themselves, it may not be reasonable to expect them to be honest with you.
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Do Have Reasonable ExpectationsWhat might seem like a reasonable expectation in some circumstances might be totally unreasonable when it comes to someone with an addiction. When your loved one swears to you and to themselves that they will never touch another drop of alcohol, you might believe them.However, for someone with an alcohol dependence, that expectation may turn out to be unreasonable. If the person is incapable of even being honest with themselves, it may not be reasonable to expect them to be honest with you.
Do Have Reasonable Expectations
What might seem like a reasonable expectation in some circumstances might be totally unreasonable when it comes to someone with an addiction. When your loved one swears to you and to themselves that they will never touch another drop of alcohol, you might believe them.
However, for someone with an alcohol dependence, that expectation may turn out to be unreasonable. If the person is incapable of even being honest with themselves, it may not be reasonable to expect them to be honest with you.
7Do Stay Focused on the PresentThe key to dealing with alcohol dependency in the family is staying focused on the situation as it exists today. Alcoholism is aprogressive disease. It doesn’t reach a certain level and remain there for very long; it continues to get worse until the person with an alcohol problem seeks help.Don’t allow the disappointments and mistakes of the past affect your choices today—circumstances have probably changed.
7
Do Stay Focused on the PresentThe key to dealing with alcohol dependency in the family is staying focused on the situation as it exists today. Alcoholism is aprogressive disease. It doesn’t reach a certain level and remain there for very long; it continues to get worse until the person with an alcohol problem seeks help.Don’t allow the disappointments and mistakes of the past affect your choices today—circumstances have probably changed.
Do Stay Focused on the Present
The key to dealing with alcohol dependency in the family is staying focused on the situation as it exists today. Alcoholism is aprogressive disease. It doesn’t reach a certain level and remain there for very long; it continues to get worse until the person with an alcohol problem seeks help.
Don’t allow the disappointments and mistakes of the past affect your choices today—circumstances have probably changed.
8
Don’t Enable Their Behavior
Someone with AUD typically doesn’t want anyone to know the level of their alcohol consumption because if someone found out the full extent of the problem, they might try to help.
Enablingoccurs when someone else covers up or makes excuses for the person who has a SUD. As a result, the person with a SUD doesn’t deal with the consequences of their actions.
Often, in trying to “help,” well-meaning loved ones will actually do something that enables someone dependent on alcohol to continue along their destructive paths.Make sure that you are not doing anything that bolsters their denial or prevents them from facing the natural consequences of their actions.
When You Enable Them
What happens when you enable them? The exact answer depends on the specific situation, but typically two things happen: They never feel the pain, and it takes the focus off of their behavior.
For example, if your loved one passes out in the yard and you carefully help them into the house and into bed, only you feel the pain. The focus then becomes what you did (moved them) rather than what they did (drinking so much that they passed out outside).
When You Stop Enabling Them
Instead, if you do nothing and they wake up on the lawn in the morning with neighbors peeking out the window and come into the house while you and the children are happily eating breakfast, they are left to face the results of their own behavior.
In other words, their behavior, rather than your reaction to their behavior, becomes the focus. It is only when they experience their own pain that they will feel a need to change.
Natural consequences may mean that you refuse to spend any time with the person dependent on alcohol. This decision is not being mean or unkind. It is an act of protection for yourself.
It is not your job to “cure” your loved one’s alcoholism, but allowing natural consequences to occur is one factor that can push a person from the pre-contemplative stage to the contemplative stage of overcoming addiction.
Thecontemplative stageends with the decision to make a change, yet further steps such as preparation, action, and later maintenance and likely relapse are usually needed before the addiction is controlled.
Quiz: Are You Enabling and Alcoholic?
9Don’t Put Off Getting Help For YourselfIf you’ve been covering up for your loved one and not talking about their addiction openly for a long time, it may seem daunting to reach out for help. However, it’s important to make sure you’re getting the support you need as well. Lean on the people around you, and, if you need to, reach out to a mental health professional to speak about your stress and what you’re going through.A support group such asAl-Anon Family Groupsmay also be a helpful source of support when you have someone in your life with a drinking problem.The group can give you a place to get social support and encouragement from others going through a similar situation.
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Don’t Put Off Getting Help For YourselfIf you’ve been covering up for your loved one and not talking about their addiction openly for a long time, it may seem daunting to reach out for help. However, it’s important to make sure you’re getting the support you need as well. Lean on the people around you, and, if you need to, reach out to a mental health professional to speak about your stress and what you’re going through.A support group such asAl-Anon Family Groupsmay also be a helpful source of support when you have someone in your life with a drinking problem.The group can give you a place to get social support and encouragement from others going through a similar situation.
Don’t Put Off Getting Help For Yourself
If you’ve been covering up for your loved one and not talking about their addiction openly for a long time, it may seem daunting to reach out for help. However, it’s important to make sure you’re getting the support you need as well. Lean on the people around you, and, if you need to, reach out to a mental health professional to speak about your stress and what you’re going through.
A support group such asAl-Anon Family Groupsmay also be a helpful source of support when you have someone in your life with a drinking problem.The group can give you a place to get social support and encouragement from others going through a similar situation.
TakeawaysThere may be very little you can do to help someone with AUD until they are ready to get help, but you can stop letting someone’s drinking problem dominate your thoughts and your life. It’s OK to make choices that are good for your own physical and mental health.How to Talk to Your Partner About Their Alcohol UseIf you or a loved one are struggling with substance use or addiction, contact theSubstance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) National Helplineat1-800-662-4357for information on support and treatment facilities in your area.For more mental health resources, see ourNational Helpline Database.
Takeaways
There may be very little you can do to help someone with AUD until they are ready to get help, but you can stop letting someone’s drinking problem dominate your thoughts and your life. It’s OK to make choices that are good for your own physical and mental health.
How to Talk to Your Partner About Their Alcohol Use
If you or a loved one are struggling with substance use or addiction, contact theSubstance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) National Helplineat1-800-662-4357for information on support and treatment facilities in your area.For more mental health resources, see ourNational Helpline Database.
If you or a loved one are struggling with substance use or addiction, contact theSubstance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) National Helplineat1-800-662-4357for information on support and treatment facilities in your area.
For more mental health resources, see ourNational Helpline Database.
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Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.
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