I've Been Single for 4 Years. Is My Smut-Reading Habit to Blame?

Table of ContentsView AllTable of ContentsWhen Reading Smut Bleeds into Real LifeWhat Does Reading Smut Say About Relationships, Dating, and Sex?How to Have a Healthy Sex Live While Reading Smut (Because, Yes, It’s Possible)So, Does Smut Ruin Dating?

Table of ContentsView All

View All

Table of Contents

When Reading Smut Bleeds into Real Life

What Does Reading Smut Say About Relationships, Dating, and Sex?

How to Have a Healthy Sex Live While Reading Smut (Because, Yes, It’s Possible)

So, Does Smut Ruin Dating?

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On average, I read around 200 books a year with most being romance novels. I like all the subgenres—shifter romance, historical, mafia,marriage of convenience, the list goes on. I’m a dedicated member of the romance books Reddit channel, a regular #BookTok watcher, and a fanfiction fiend who spends days searching for hidden gems in Archive of Our Own (AO3), a fanfiction library.

Basically, I’m a book nerd. Have been since I was 13 and read the many One Direction fanfictions on Wattpad. My pre-teen years were all about gritty romances with bad boys who wore leather jackets, chain-smoked cigarettes, and treated the female protagonist like crap. Oh, and tons of smut, too.

A majority of my early romance reader experiences contained smut—aka sexually explicit scenes in books. Even now, in my early twenties, most of my novels have a degree of spice, whether that’s fade-to-black (when content happens off-page) or an in-your-face sexual moment between two characters.

Most single women (lol, me) are asfrustrated and at times hopeless when it comes to datingbut their reading choices don’t reflect that. We’re all obsessed with book boyfriends, perfect romance, and fairytale love. After all, romance novels are a billion-dollar industry that’s growing at an unprecedented rate every year. Does this obsession over fictional love and/or the perfect level of steaminess in these storybook relationships come at the expense of our dating lives? I’m not sure, but I did some digging to find out.

Perhaps, I’ve been single for too long (I have), but I often fantasize about book characters and wonder:why can’t I have that in real life? These book boyfriends are literally killing their enemies to protect their women and meanwhile, I can’t get a text back.

And I’m not the only one who feels this way. So many BookTokers have made videos comparing the disappointment that is real-life men to fictional characters.

And yes, I understand these characters arefictionalbut what they’re doing—being intentional and communicative, showing love and care—is what I want from my partner.Are my expectations too highor am I being delusional and ignoringhow IRL dating works?

Sex therapistDr. Katherine Hertleinleans more towards the latter. “It’s important to remember erotica characters and storylines are crafted for entertainment, with exaggerated and idealized relationships,” she says. “For example, while a romance novel might depict a partner who always knows exactly what to say and do, real-life relationships require communication and effort to understand each other’s needs.”

She continues, adding that most romance novels don’t include the mundane stuff (i.e. the awkward and sometimes even dull but very important getting-to-know-you conversations between potential partners). Things like communication challenges or conflict. They rarely—if ever—include thecourting stage of dating. Romance novels, frankly, ignore all the bad parts of dating and relationships and paint a very pretty, idealized picture we read about and covet for ourselves.

There’s nothing wrong with reading erotica or smut. If anything, it’s a form of escapism, says Dr. Hertlein. “The growing popularity of romance and erotic novels suggests that more people are enjoying the escapism that comes with getting into these kinds of stories.“

More people are also eager to learn about theirsexual desires, saysDr. Janet Brito, a sex therapist and founder of The Sexual Health School. She credits the popularization of smut to individuals seeking inspiration to improve their own sex lives and the rising interest in different relationship types likepolyamory.

Even single people like myself who avidly read smut can find value. Research shows that consuming sexually explicit content helps peoplefeel more sexually confidentwith themselves and their bodies.I wasn’t taught to feelokaywith sex and sexual desires, but erotica and smut have become safe spaces for me to explore arousal and excitement with less shame and guilt.

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Smut Promotes Unrealistic Sex

All of this to say, romance novels arestilla fantasy, and so is the sex in them. Think about it—how often does smut show the awkwardness of sex? We never read about queefing or farts, gag reflexes, failing condoms, erectile dysfunction, messiness of the lube, and even accidents and injuries. Smut has its benefits but it can be harmful to your relationship and sex life if you’re comparing your IRL sex life to a fictional one.

“Consuming a lot of erotic literature might lead to unrealistic expectations about sex,” Dr. Hertlein explains. “The scenarios, physical appearances, and behaviors depicted in smut are often exaggerated or idealized, which can create dissatisfaction with real-life sexual experiences.”

The scenarios, physical appearances, and behaviors depicted in smut are often exaggerated or idealized, which can create dissatisfaction with real-life sexual experiences.—DR. KATHERINE HERTLEIN, SEX THERAPIST

The scenarios, physical appearances, and behaviors depicted in smut are often exaggerated or idealized, which can create dissatisfaction with real-life sexual experiences.

—DR. KATHERINE HERTLEIN, SEX THERAPIST

Moreover, smut often promotes an unrealistic depiction of orgasms. A 2013 study found that most book female protagonists reach the Big O more than male charactersandmany of these orgasms occur via penetration, which is not realistic for most.(In fact, a 2015 study reported that 36.6% of women between 18 and 94 need clitoral stimulation to orgasm, not just penetration).

The 2013 study also concluded that female orgasms in books are presented as physical transformations that happen in minutes. Something, as a woman, I can say is very rare. According to research, it takes a majority of women at least 17 minutes to reach orgasm during partnered sex, if an orgasm is reached at all.

Smut helps readers with their desires and sex lives, but it also promotes unrealistic expectations of sex. The fact is sex is enjoyable but can be awkward, messy, and sometimes damn awful. Keep that in mind the next time you’re fantasizing over a fictional book character’s “perfect” sex.

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Sometimes, we readers get swept up in the fantasies. Eyes so glued to the paperback novel that IRL intimacy and sex have become non-existent. While a smut addiction does not exist, according to Dr. Brito, there is such a thing astoo muchsmut, especially if it’s beginning to impact your relationships.

“It may become unhealthy if you’re neglecting other responsibilities or avoiding engagement in real-life relationships,” she says.

In other words, if you’re forgoing intimacy with your partner because they don’t “perform” like the book boyfriends or are abandoningquality timewith your S.O. because you’re too focused on the novel, you might need to cut back on the smut.

Always reflect on your desire to read erotica, Dr. Hertlein adds. If you’re reading smut because you like it, great! But if you find yourself obsessed with the sex or romance in the novel because it’s lacking in your own life and preventing you from real-life intimacy, maybe it’s time to put the smut reading on pause for reflection and in-person connection.

ReminderRomance novels and erotica are fantastical works and should not replace physical connection.

Reminder

Romance novels and erotica are fantastical works and should not replace physical connection.

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The short answer? No. The long answer? Too much smut may create intimacy, dating, and relationship issues. But that’s where discernment comes in.

“Accept that romance and smut books are primarily designed for entertainment,” Dr. Brito advises. “They often feature characters with ideal qualities and nearly perfect relationships. While they may include elements of real-life scenarios, their main purpose is to entertain you.”

Accept that romance and smut books are primarily designed for entertainment. While they may include elements of real-life scenarios, their main purpose is to entertain you.—JANET BRITO, PHD, PSYD, LCSW, CST-S

Accept that romance and smut books are primarily designed for entertainment. While they may include elements of real-life scenarios, their main purpose is to entertain you.

—JANET BRITO, PHD, PSYD, LCSW, CST-S

Certain things like weird and awkward sex or miscommunication just aren’t entertaining, so most romance and erotica won’t include them. But that doesn’t mean they don’t happen in real life. Not every sexual moment between you and your partner (or even yourself) will be as magical as the novels claim. And dating sometimes sucks!

Your perfect partner may not be a billionaire mafioso who kills any man who looks at you. It’s very unlikely you’ll randomly stumble upon the heir to a multi-million-dollar corporation and fake marry him to save your family from their rising debt. Frankly, you’ll likely kiss lots of toads before you meet a prince.

Because, unfortunately, that’s the real world. And we live there, not in the sentences and fragments of an author.

Takeaways

It’s so easy to get swept into the romanticism of it all, but becoming disconnected from reality and lost in fantasy only leads to disappointment and maybe sadness, resentment, and despair.

The story may be set in stone but reality isn’t. Keep that in mind the next time you’re scrolling on Hinge and believe you found the one. Chances are, they’re nothing more than another number.

4 SourcesVerywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Chesser, S., Parry, D., & Penny Light, T. (2019).Nurturing the erotic self: Benefits of women consuming sexually explicit materials.Sexualities,22(7–8), 1234–1252. doi:10.1177/1363460718791898Cabrera, C., & Ménard, A. D. (2013).“She exploded into a million pieces”: A qualitative and quantitative analysis of orgasms in contemporary romance novels.Sexuality & Culture,17(2), 193–212. doi:10.1007/s12119-012-9147-0Herbenick, D., Fu, T.-C. J., Arter, J., Sanders, S. A., & Dodge, B. (2018).Women’s experiences with genital touching, sexual pleasure, and orgasm: Results from a u. S. Probability sample of women ages 18 to 94.Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy,44(2), 201–212. doi:10.1080/0092623X.2017.1346530ISSM.Women’s Orgasm Takes Longer During Partnered Sex.

4 Sources

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Chesser, S., Parry, D., & Penny Light, T. (2019).Nurturing the erotic self: Benefits of women consuming sexually explicit materials.Sexualities,22(7–8), 1234–1252. doi:10.1177/1363460718791898Cabrera, C., & Ménard, A. D. (2013).“She exploded into a million pieces”: A qualitative and quantitative analysis of orgasms in contemporary romance novels.Sexuality & Culture,17(2), 193–212. doi:10.1007/s12119-012-9147-0Herbenick, D., Fu, T.-C. J., Arter, J., Sanders, S. A., & Dodge, B. (2018).Women’s experiences with genital touching, sexual pleasure, and orgasm: Results from a u. S. Probability sample of women ages 18 to 94.Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy,44(2), 201–212. doi:10.1080/0092623X.2017.1346530ISSM.Women’s Orgasm Takes Longer During Partnered Sex.

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.

Chesser, S., Parry, D., & Penny Light, T. (2019).Nurturing the erotic self: Benefits of women consuming sexually explicit materials.Sexualities,22(7–8), 1234–1252. doi:10.1177/1363460718791898Cabrera, C., & Ménard, A. D. (2013).“She exploded into a million pieces”: A qualitative and quantitative analysis of orgasms in contemporary romance novels.Sexuality & Culture,17(2), 193–212. doi:10.1007/s12119-012-9147-0Herbenick, D., Fu, T.-C. J., Arter, J., Sanders, S. A., & Dodge, B. (2018).Women’s experiences with genital touching, sexual pleasure, and orgasm: Results from a u. S. Probability sample of women ages 18 to 94.Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy,44(2), 201–212. doi:10.1080/0092623X.2017.1346530ISSM.Women’s Orgasm Takes Longer During Partnered Sex.

Chesser, S., Parry, D., & Penny Light, T. (2019).Nurturing the erotic self: Benefits of women consuming sexually explicit materials.Sexualities,22(7–8), 1234–1252. doi:10.1177/1363460718791898

Cabrera, C., & Ménard, A. D. (2013).“She exploded into a million pieces”: A qualitative and quantitative analysis of orgasms in contemporary romance novels.Sexuality & Culture,17(2), 193–212. doi:10.1007/s12119-012-9147-0

Herbenick, D., Fu, T.-C. J., Arter, J., Sanders, S. A., & Dodge, B. (2018).Women’s experiences with genital touching, sexual pleasure, and orgasm: Results from a u. S. Probability sample of women ages 18 to 94.Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy,44(2), 201–212. doi:10.1080/0092623X.2017.1346530

ISSM.Women’s Orgasm Takes Longer During Partnered Sex.

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