It's Time to Stop Playing Mind Games While Dating

So many of us are guilty of playing mind games while dating, but we often don’t realize just how problematic they can be.

Does this sound familiar? It’s the day after a great first date and you’re rehashing the details with your friends. After getting their collective approval you pick up your phone to text your crush but one of your friends interrupts you: “Wait, don’t text them right away, let them sweat a little!” Another friend chimes in, “Yes! Give it a day or two so you don’t seem too eager, just play it cool”.

It’s odd how deeply ingrained these types of dating “rules” (read: games) are in our collective romantic psyche—waiting a few days to call, not responding to texts immediately, playing hard to get. They’re so normalized and yet they’re ultimately just keeping us from connecting with our romantic interests.

“Playing games is essentially about pretending not to care and trying not to look too easy, available, eager, or interested,” saysSabrina Romanoff,PsyD, a clinical psychologist and relationship expert. Dr. Romanoff explains that people alter their behavior and play games, especially in the early stages of relationships, to protect themselves.

Although being honest andvulnerablewith someone you like can be hard, it can help build a strong foundation for a healthy relationship and is totally worth the risk.

At a GlanceIt can be tempting to play little games in the early phases of our relationships when we’ve been taught they will make the person like or want us more. But the truth is, all they do is confuse—or even hurt—the other person. Being real with someone is harder but ultimately more rewarding.

At a Glance

It can be tempting to play little games in the early phases of our relationships when we’ve been taught they will make the person like or want us more. But the truth is, all they do is confuse—or even hurt—the other person. Being real with someone is harder but ultimately more rewarding.

We sometimes engage in mind games in relationships to try and maintain the upper hand or simply to keep someone interested or on the hook. Even the best-intentioned of us are guilty of this behavior.

These are some examples of games we might play:

What Textual Compatibility Means in a Relationship

Why Do We Do This?

We asked the relationship expert to unpack why we might play games in relationships and what it says about us.

We play games to manipulate people’s perception of us, Dr. Romanoff explains. “At the core, we believe that if we were to show up as ourselves, the other person would not be interested in us as we would appear too eager and therefore undesirable.”

Playing games is especially likely in the earlystagesof relationships. When we’re just getting to know someone, it can be overwhelming to reveal ourselves completely—and also to be exposed to someone’s true self—all at once, says Dr. Romanoff. Therefore, she says we mask our true feelings to avoid being too vulnerable, for fear of scaring off the other person.

Playing games is essentially about pretending not to care and trying not to look too easy, available, eager, or interested.—SABRINA ROMANOFF, PSYD

Playing games is essentially about pretending not to care and trying not to look too easy, available, eager, or interested.

—SABRINA ROMANOFF, PSYD

While it’s important to take your time toget to know someone,set healthy boundaries, and avoid putting too much of yourself out there in the beginning, playing games is not the answer.

“Playing games quickly transitions from a means of protecting ourselves to a method of manipulating our partners. It tends to be a way to control the other person and meet our needs, to the detriment of theirs,” says Dr. Romanoff.

13 Red Flags in Relationships

These are some reasons why you shouldn’t play games in relationships and be more direct instead:

How to Avoid Them (And Be More Authentic!)

These are some strategies that can help you avoid playing games in relationships:

5 Green Flags in Relationships

3 SourcesVerywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Debnam KJ, Howard DE, Garza MA.“If you don’t have honesty in a relationship, then there is no relationship”: African American girls' characterization of healthy dating relationships, a qualitative study.J Prim Prev. 2014;35(6):397-407. doi:10.1007/s10935-014-0362-3Lutz PK, Newman DB, Schlegel RJ, Wirtz D.Authenticity, meaning in life, and life satisfaction: A multicomponent investigation of relationships at the trait and state levels.J Pers. 2023;91(3):541-555. doi:10.1111/jopy.12753Overall NC, McNulty JK.What type of communication during conflict is beneficial for intimate relationships?Curr Opin Psychol. 2017;13:1-5. doi:10.1016/j.copsyc.2016.03.002

3 Sources

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Debnam KJ, Howard DE, Garza MA.“If you don’t have honesty in a relationship, then there is no relationship”: African American girls' characterization of healthy dating relationships, a qualitative study.J Prim Prev. 2014;35(6):397-407. doi:10.1007/s10935-014-0362-3Lutz PK, Newman DB, Schlegel RJ, Wirtz D.Authenticity, meaning in life, and life satisfaction: A multicomponent investigation of relationships at the trait and state levels.J Pers. 2023;91(3):541-555. doi:10.1111/jopy.12753Overall NC, McNulty JK.What type of communication during conflict is beneficial for intimate relationships?Curr Opin Psychol. 2017;13:1-5. doi:10.1016/j.copsyc.2016.03.002

Debnam KJ, Howard DE, Garza MA.“If you don’t have honesty in a relationship, then there is no relationship”: African American girls' characterization of healthy dating relationships, a qualitative study.J Prim Prev. 2014;35(6):397-407. doi:10.1007/s10935-014-0362-3Lutz PK, Newman DB, Schlegel RJ, Wirtz D.Authenticity, meaning in life, and life satisfaction: A multicomponent investigation of relationships at the trait and state levels.J Pers. 2023;91(3):541-555. doi:10.1111/jopy.12753Overall NC, McNulty JK.What type of communication during conflict is beneficial for intimate relationships?Curr Opin Psychol. 2017;13:1-5. doi:10.1016/j.copsyc.2016.03.002

Lutz PK, Newman DB, Schlegel RJ, Wirtz D.Authenticity, meaning in life, and life satisfaction: A multicomponent investigation of relationships at the trait and state levels.J Pers. 2023;91(3):541-555. doi:10.1111/jopy.12753

Overall NC, McNulty JK.What type of communication during conflict is beneficial for intimate relationships?Curr Opin Psychol. 2017;13:1-5. doi:10.1016/j.copsyc.2016.03.002

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At a Glance#

Why Do We Do This?#

How to Avoid Them (And Be More Authentic!)#

At a Glance

Why Do We Do This?

How to Avoid Them (And Be More Authentic!)