It's Time to Ditch Toxic Positivity in Favor of Emotional Validation

Table of ContentsTable of ContentsExpandToxic PositivityEmotional WisdomWhy Are We So Focused on Positivity, Anyway?Practicing Emotional ValidationView All

Table of ContentsExpandToxic PositivityEmotional WisdomWhy Are We So Focused on Positivity, Anyway?Practicing Emotional ValidationView All

Table of ContentsExpandToxic PositivityEmotional WisdomWhy Are We So Focused on Positivity, Anyway?Practicing Emotional Validation

Table of ContentsExpand

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Toxic Positivity

Emotional Wisdom

Why Are We So Focused on Positivity, Anyway?

Practicing Emotional Validation

View All

In recent years, we’ve come to understand that perhaps there’s too much of a good thing when it comes to positive thinking. It can result intoxic positivity, which has negative consequences on our psyches. What we should be aiming for instead isemotional validation. What does this all mean, and how do we make the change? Read on to learn more.

What Is Toxic Positivity?

Toxic positivity is the maintenance of positive thinking even in situations where it isn’t appropriate.

“It often comes at the risk of denying our own genuine feelings or the feelings of others,” says Nina Vasan, MD, MBA, Chief Medical Officer atReal.

While positive thinking in general is a great thing, toxic positivity is not. It’s the act of denying that anything negative is actually happening, and it can involve making people feel bad for having normal human emotions. “It is rooted in someone’s discomfort with emotions that are seen as negative,” explains licensed therapist and relationship expertJanika Veasley, LMFT.

It often comes at the risk of denying our own genuine feelings or the feelings of others.—NINA VASAN, MD, MBA

It often comes at the risk of denying our own genuine feelings or the feelings of others.

—NINA VASAN, MD, MBA

“Good vibes only” is one example of toxic positivity, but there are other statements that also are emblematic of this harmful way of thinking. “Someone practicing toxic positivity might say things like “everything happens for a reason” or “just look on the bright side” when a friend shares something difficult that they are dealing with,” Vasan tells us.

What Is Emotional Validation?

Emotional validation is about allowing people to experience their feelings and acknowledging that having negative feelings is real and often important.

Emotional validation is essentially the opposite of toxic positivity. That doesn’t mean it promotes and encourages negative thinking endlessly, though.

“Emotional validation is when you take the time to learn, understand, and accept the other person’s emotions and experience,” says Veasley. She notes that toxic positivity is a form of emotional invalidation because it denies the reality of a person’s lived experience. Vasan tells us that with toxic positivity, emotions like sadness and frustration are pushed aside.

Emotional validation is when you take the time to learn, understand, and accept the other person’s emotions and experience.—JANIKA VEASLEY, LMFT

Emotional validation is when you take the time to learn, understand, and accept the other person’s emotions and experience.

—JANIKA VEASLEY, LMFT

Emotional validation is a concept that involves the understanding that feelings aren’t permanent. If something terrible happens in your life, you’ll inevitably move through the feelings that come with it.

Of course, you can’t successfully do that if you don’t allow yourself to experience the full range of your emotions. Emotional validation allows you to have your feelings and sit with them for as long as is needed for you to move on. By being true to yourself, you can move forward in your life.

How Accepting Difficult Emotions Can Improve Emotional Health

Even for those who’d never heard of it before, toxic positivity hit the mainstream consciousness throughout the COVID-19 pandemic when so many of us felt constantly upset ordepressed. Recommendations to forget about COVID and enjoy life regardless sat badly with those who lost loved ones or suffered from the disease themselves. “We’ve…seen a rise in awareness about toxic positivity as a response to the COVID-19 pandemic,” notes Vasan.

ManifestationManifesting is the idea that you can bring your desires to life through the act of thinking positively about them and willing them into existence.

Manifestation

Manifesting is the idea that you can bring your desires to life through the act of thinking positively about them and willing them into existence.

With the one-dimensional nature of social media, we only see the good outcomes and not the process or work it takes when people talk about manifestation.—JANIKA VEASLEY, LMFT

With the one-dimensional nature of social media, we only see the good outcomes and not the process or work it takes when people talk about manifestation.

Toxic positivity is invalidating to ourselves and to those we care about. It encourages us to focus only on the positive, which can stop us from dealing with the feelings we need to work through. Practicing emotional validation is a healthier option for you and the ones you love. Luckily, it isn’t at all difficult to do.

Step 1: Stop and Think

When someone tells you about a challenging situation, or when you have just heard bad news of your own, your instinct may be to respond right away. We have an innate desire to comfort those we care about, so statements like “everything will be OK” or “there may be a silver lining to this” can be quick to come out of our mouths.

However, that may not be what a person needs to hear, so it makes sense to take a moment instead. “I recommend briefly pausing and reflecting before responding to someone,” suggests Vasan.

Before responding to bad news or a friend’s difficult circumstance, make space to just listen. Be open and know that it’s OK to feel whatever you’re feeling.

“The biggest step to take is to begin to acknowledge our own negative emotions and how we feel in a moment when they rise up,” says Veasley. “When we can acknowledge and accept our own emotions, we can begin to do that with others,” she adds.

Step Two: Acknowledge Emotions

Once you’ve heard what you’re being told, the next step to avoiding toxic positivity is just to acknowledge the reality of the emotions at play. " This can be as simple as saying “I understand you’re really sad," explains Vasan. She says we must avoid the desire to brush past difficult emotions.

The act of offering your understanding is anempatheticone, and it shows our loved ones that we care about their feelings.

Step Three: Be Supportive

Instead of telling someone to look on the bright side, or instead of urging yourself to just cast aside your negative feelings, offer words and thoughts of support instead. “Let someone share how they are really doing and feeling,” recommends Vasan. She suggests you “encourage them to be honest and reflect back that it takes insight and strength to do this.”

Making assumptions about someone else or telling them how you think they should feel, risks delving into toxic positivity. Instead, Vasan says we should “ask follow-up questions to better understand how someone is responding to a situation instead of assuming you know how they’re doing.”

Step Four: Validate

This final step is a straightforward one: You want to validate the emotions being experienced. There are validating statements that can be used that many people respond well to. These include, “That sounds really hard,” “I can see why you’d feel that way,” “I feel the same way,” or even “I’m here for you.”

Let someone know you respect what they are moving through and that you are here to support them in whatever ways they need.

As for yourself, remind yourself that the situation you’re in is a challenge for you. It’s something you have to move through, and that’s going to take time. Whatever you’re feeling is temporary, and allowing yourself to feel it will help you get through it.

A Word From Verywell

Toxic positivity has become prevalent, and you may know people who dismiss your negative experiences with statements like “You should try to see the bright side” or “You’re too sensitive.” Know that this may be invalidating behavior, and it’s important to recognize that all of your feelings are valid, whatever they are.

2 SourcesVerywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Bartlett MY, Arpin SN.Gratitude and loneliness: enhancing health and well-being in older adults.Res Aging. 2019;41(8):772-793. doi:10.1177/0164027519845354O’Connell BH, Killeen-Byrt M.Psychosocial health mediates the gratitude-physical health link.Psychol Health Med. 2018 Oct;23(9):1145–50.

2 Sources

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Bartlett MY, Arpin SN.Gratitude and loneliness: enhancing health and well-being in older adults.Res Aging. 2019;41(8):772-793. doi:10.1177/0164027519845354O’Connell BH, Killeen-Byrt M.Psychosocial health mediates the gratitude-physical health link.Psychol Health Med. 2018 Oct;23(9):1145–50.

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.

Bartlett MY, Arpin SN.Gratitude and loneliness: enhancing health and well-being in older adults.Res Aging. 2019;41(8):772-793. doi:10.1177/0164027519845354O’Connell BH, Killeen-Byrt M.Psychosocial health mediates the gratitude-physical health link.Psychol Health Med. 2018 Oct;23(9):1145–50.

Bartlett MY, Arpin SN.Gratitude and loneliness: enhancing health and well-being in older adults.Res Aging. 2019;41(8):772-793. doi:10.1177/0164027519845354

O’Connell BH, Killeen-Byrt M.Psychosocial health mediates the gratitude-physical health link.Psychol Health Med. 2018 Oct;23(9):1145–50.

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