Table of ContentsView AllTable of ContentsReasons for Friend Break-UpsHealthy Ways to End a FriendshipWhat to ExpectFrequently Asked Questions
Table of ContentsView All
View All
Table of Contents
Reasons for Friend Break-Ups
Healthy Ways to End a Friendship
What to Expect
Frequently Asked Questions
Close
Let’s be honest, friend breakups are sometimes even harder than romantic ones. The bond of a friendship is a unique soul connection that has nothing to do with your looks or expectations of the future.
Friendships are free from many of the rules and qualifiers of a romantic relationship, making them more organic and pure in many ways. And where we are at least somewhat prepared, for a romantic relationship to potentially end, we are generally unprepared for the end of a friendship.
But the reality is that people grow and change throughout their lives and sometimes we are no longer a good fit—sometimes they’re no longer a fit for us either. Sometimes our trust isbetrayed, or maybe something was said that can’t be taken back.
Unlike romantic relationships in which there are clearer precedents about how to break up, the same is not true for friendships. This can leave you in a strange sort of limbo where you no longer want to be friends with the person but don’t know how to end the friendship either.
It’s complicated and painful no matter what, but there are some protocols and generally accepted dos and don’ts when it comes to breaking up with a friend.
At a GlanceBreaking up a friendship can be just as stressful and emotionally draining as ending a romantic relationship. Be kind to yourself afterward. It’s normal to feel sad, frustrated, or angry. The approach you take is up to you and depends on the reasons for ending the friendship. Some possibilities are having a talk, gradually fading out, or ending it cold turkey. Keep on top of your mental health to ensure that the end of the friendship does not cause additional problems.
At a Glance
Breaking up a friendship can be just as stressful and emotionally draining as ending a romantic relationship. Be kind to yourself afterward. It’s normal to feel sad, frustrated, or angry. The approach you take is up to you and depends on the reasons for ending the friendship. Some possibilities are having a talk, gradually fading out, or ending it cold turkey. Keep on top of your mental health to ensure that the end of the friendship does not cause additional problems.
3 Therapists Share Their Top Friendship Dealbreakers
Why End a Friendship?
Before you decide how to break up with a friend, it’s helpful to understand the reasons why you no longer want to be friends with this particular person. This can make it easier to move forward as you end the friendship.
Reasons you might identify for wanting to end a friendship include:
Know that a friend shouldn’t ask you to compromise your integrity, go against your values or commitments, tell a lie, or hurt someone. Although it may feel like a significant loss to lose a friend, someone who is no longer making your life better does not deserve that space in your life.
Recognizing a Toxic Friendship
In general, a healthy relationship is one in which both people are giving and taking equally. In atoxic relationship, one person will often do more of the taking and the other, more of the giving. Pay attention to how you feel the next time you’re around this person and how you feel after spending time with them.
Signs of a toxic friendshipinclude:
If this person is someone who lifts your spirits and gives you energy, you might consider giving the friendship another try. However, if their negative impact on your life outweighs the positive, you may be in a toxic relationship.
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In general, there are four healthy options when ending a friendship. In some cases, you may use a combination of these strategies.
The Gradual Fade-Out
In general, fading out of a friendship is an attempt to avoid hurt feelings. Instead of laying your feelings on the line, you become too busy to get together or generally hard to reach. You might text instead of call, fade out of the person’s social media (unfollowing them or muting their account as needed), take a long time when getting back in touch, answer with short replies, etc.
You are doing things that might naturally happen in a friendship that is fading—you’re just choosing to do them intentionally to exit the friendship.
While fading out of friendship may seem kinder, it could drag on if the friend does not take the hint. In that case, you might be putting that person through a stressful situation as they try to guess what is going on or why you’ve suddenly disappeared.
Letting Go of a Relationship That Stresses You
Having a Talk
If you determine that a gradual fade-out is not appropriate or if it ends up not working, you might need tohave a talk with your friend. This is similar to a talk you would have in a romantic relationship to determine where each of you stands and to talk about the future.
Focus on using “I” statements when you speak. An “I” statement, such as “I feel sad when you don’t show up after we’ve made plans,” puts the emphasis on your feelings instead of placing blame only on your friend.
Even if you’re angry or upset with your friend, it might be less stressful for both of you if you let them down easily. Tell them what you do appreciate about them. Just because you’re ending the friendship doesn’t mean you don’t value the time you spent together.
A talk can be a stepping stone to the end of a friendship, but you might also find that you are able to resolve your differences and fix the friendship instead.
Taking a Break
You may determine from having a talk that your differences can’t be resolved. If that’s the case, what do you do? You could immediately terminate the friendship or you could decide to take a break, much the same way people sometimestake breaks in romantic relationships.
Taking a break can have many positives. It gives you:
You can give any number of reasons for taking a break. If you prefer to be vague, you might say that you are going to be extra busy for a couple of weeks. If you’ve just had a talk, you could say that you need time to digest everything you’ve discussed. Set a time in the future to reconvene, or suggest that you will get in touch when you feel you are ready.
While on the break, you can always mute or unfollow their social media account to provide some added distance. You might find that clearing the mental space this friend once occupied can be a helpful refresher and benefit the relationship.
If you choose to continue the friendship, be sure that both of youcommunicate your boundaries and expectationsmoving forward.
Ending Things Immediately
Sometimes it is impossible to avoid the chaos that happens when a friendship ends. This is true if you are dealing with a toxic friend or someone who does not respect the boundaries that you try to set. But ending this type of unhealthy friendship is important as it canimprove your personal well-being.
In this situation, simply state that your needs are not being met in the friendship. Wish the other person all the best in the future. This type of friendship break-up can be good in that it is unambiguous and clear, and you get a chance to voice any issues that you’ve been holding back. At the same time, it can be awkward to confront someone in this manner.
Ghosting—ending communication with someone without telling them—is a controversial topic.But sometimes it’s okay to end a friendship without speaking to the other person.
In relationships where there is manipulation, physical oremotional abuse, or the violation of boundaries, you don’t owe the person an explanation for why you’re ending the friendship. Your first priority is to keep yourself safe and not subject yourself to further stress, especially if your safety is at risk.
Block their number, block them on social media, and let any mutual friends know that you will no longer be engaging with this person.
Unhelpful Ways to End a FriendshipWhile circumstances surrounding the end of a friendship vary, it may be helpful to avoid certain ways of handling a friend breakup (even one involving a toxic person), including:Becoming hostile or aggressiveEnlisting other friends to end the friendship for youSeeking revenge (such asposting negative things about them on social media)
Unhelpful Ways to End a Friendship
While circumstances surrounding the end of a friendship vary, it may be helpful to avoid certain ways of handling a friend breakup (even one involving a toxic person), including:Becoming hostile or aggressiveEnlisting other friends to end the friendship for youSeeking revenge (such asposting negative things about them on social media)
While circumstances surrounding the end of a friendship vary, it may be helpful to avoid certain ways of handling a friend breakup (even one involving a toxic person), including:
What to Expect When a Friendship Ends
Though you may have plenty of valid reasons for ending a friendship, this doesn’t necessarily protect you or your former friend from the feelings that go along with a friend breakup.
Remember that feeling sad that a friendship ends doesn’t mean that you made the wrong decision. Having an idea of your friend’s possible reaction and what you’ll feel after the breakup can help you mentally prepare for the end of the friendship.
From Your Friend
They may react in the following ways:
If your friend chooses to escalate the conversation into an argument or displays any aggressive or hostile behavior, avoid engaging with them. Try to calmly leave the situation and get to a safe place as soon as possible.
For Yourself
You may be surprised to learn that a friendship can be saved or converted into something else. It’s also okay to tell your friend that you need time to decide and that you can continue the conversation soon. Walk away and think about your options. Try not to let your friend’s emotions sway you into making a decision you’re not comfortable making.
You might end a friendship over the phone or via text if you’re worried your friend will try to manipulate you into staying friends. If they don’t accept your decision, you don’t have to engage with them in an argument. You can excuse yourself from the conversation, wish them the best, and block their number.
You can’t control whether your other friends continue seeing the person you broke up with. Let mutual friends know you’d appreciate a heads-up if there’s a group gathering where this person will be, so you can make a decision beforehand about whether you’ll attend.
Do your best to not re-engage after ending a friendship. Trust yourself and your decision to move on. Remember, you’ll probably feel at least a little sad, and that’s okay.
If you’re having trouble dealing with the aftermath of a friend breakup, talk to a qualified mental healthcare professional who can help youlearn healthy coping mechanismsto deal with these tough emotions.
‘I Don’t Need Friends’: Why You Might Feel This Way
Keep in Mind
Breaking up a friendship can be just as stressful and emotionally draining asending a romantic relationship. Be kind to yourself afterward. It’s normal to feel sad, frustrated, or angry.
The approach you take is up to you and depends on the reasons for ending the friendship. Some possibilities are having a talk, gradually fading out, or ending it cold turkey. Keep on top of your mental health to ensure that the end of the friendship does not cause additional problems.
How Social Support Contributes to Psychological Health
Learn More:How Relationship Boundaries Affect Stress Levels
Instead of insulting the person or blaming them, take accountability for how you feel and why you want to end the relationship. You can tell them what you do appreciate about them and wish them well. Ultimately, you can’t control whether someone’s feelings are hurt. But you can try to avoid unnecessary fighting.Learn More:Conflict Resolution Mistakes to Avoid
Instead of insulting the person or blaming them, take accountability for how you feel and why you want to end the relationship. You can tell them what you do appreciate about them and wish them well. Ultimately, you can’t control whether someone’s feelings are hurt. But you can try to avoid unnecessary fighting.
Learn More:Conflict Resolution Mistakes to Avoid
Try to approach the person without anger or animosity. Though you may be upset, try not to judge, criticize, or yell at them. Tell them how you feel and try to keep the interaction peaceful. If they do become hostile, you don’t have to engage. Leave an aggressive situation. If they become hostile over the phone, you can choose to block their number and end communication.
It’s Time to Spring Clean Our Relationships
7 SourcesVerywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Stanford University.The ethics of manipulation.Khullar TH, Kirmayer MH, Dirks MA.Relationship dissolution in the friendships of emerging adults: How, when, and why?J Soc Pers Relation. 2021;38(11):3243-3264. doi:10.1177/02654075211026015Rogers SL, Howieson J, Neame C.I understand you feel that way, but I feel this way: the benefits of I-language and communicating perspective during conflict.PeerJ. 2018;6:e4831. doi:10.7717/peerj.4831Kansky J, Allen JP.Making sense and moving on: The potential for individual and interpersonal growth following emerging adult breakups.Emerg Adulthood. 2018;6(3):172-190. doi:10.1177/2167696817711766LeFebvre LE, Allen M, Rasner RD, Garstad S, Wilms A, Parrish C.Ghosting in emerging adults’ romantic relationships: The digital dissolution disappearance strategy.Imagin Cogn Pers.2019;39(2):125-150. doi:10.1177/0276236618820519Goldner L, Lev-Wiesel R, Simon G.Revenge fantasies after experiencing traumatic events: Sex differences.Front Psychol.2019;10:886. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2019.00886Michl LC, McLaughlin KA, Shepherd K, Nolen-Hoeksema S.Rumination as a mechanism linking stressful life events to symptoms of depression and anxiety: longitudinal evidence in early adolescents and adults.J Abnorm Psychol. 2013;122(2):339-352. doi:10.1037/a0031994Additional ReadingBrent LJN, Chang SWC, Gariépy JF, Platt ML.The neuroethology of friendship.Ann N Y Acad Sci. 2014;1316:1–17. doi:10.1111/nyas.12315Melis AP.The evolutionary roots of human collaboration: coordination and sharing of resources.Ann N Y Acad Sci. 2013;1299:68–76. doi:10.1111/nyas.12263
7 Sources
Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Stanford University.The ethics of manipulation.Khullar TH, Kirmayer MH, Dirks MA.Relationship dissolution in the friendships of emerging adults: How, when, and why?J Soc Pers Relation. 2021;38(11):3243-3264. doi:10.1177/02654075211026015Rogers SL, Howieson J, Neame C.I understand you feel that way, but I feel this way: the benefits of I-language and communicating perspective during conflict.PeerJ. 2018;6:e4831. doi:10.7717/peerj.4831Kansky J, Allen JP.Making sense and moving on: The potential for individual and interpersonal growth following emerging adult breakups.Emerg Adulthood. 2018;6(3):172-190. doi:10.1177/2167696817711766LeFebvre LE, Allen M, Rasner RD, Garstad S, Wilms A, Parrish C.Ghosting in emerging adults’ romantic relationships: The digital dissolution disappearance strategy.Imagin Cogn Pers.2019;39(2):125-150. doi:10.1177/0276236618820519Goldner L, Lev-Wiesel R, Simon G.Revenge fantasies after experiencing traumatic events: Sex differences.Front Psychol.2019;10:886. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2019.00886Michl LC, McLaughlin KA, Shepherd K, Nolen-Hoeksema S.Rumination as a mechanism linking stressful life events to symptoms of depression and anxiety: longitudinal evidence in early adolescents and adults.J Abnorm Psychol. 2013;122(2):339-352. doi:10.1037/a0031994Additional ReadingBrent LJN, Chang SWC, Gariépy JF, Platt ML.The neuroethology of friendship.Ann N Y Acad Sci. 2014;1316:1–17. doi:10.1111/nyas.12315Melis AP.The evolutionary roots of human collaboration: coordination and sharing of resources.Ann N Y Acad Sci. 2013;1299:68–76. doi:10.1111/nyas.12263
Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.
Stanford University.The ethics of manipulation.Khullar TH, Kirmayer MH, Dirks MA.Relationship dissolution in the friendships of emerging adults: How, when, and why?J Soc Pers Relation. 2021;38(11):3243-3264. doi:10.1177/02654075211026015Rogers SL, Howieson J, Neame C.I understand you feel that way, but I feel this way: the benefits of I-language and communicating perspective during conflict.PeerJ. 2018;6:e4831. doi:10.7717/peerj.4831Kansky J, Allen JP.Making sense and moving on: The potential for individual and interpersonal growth following emerging adult breakups.Emerg Adulthood. 2018;6(3):172-190. doi:10.1177/2167696817711766LeFebvre LE, Allen M, Rasner RD, Garstad S, Wilms A, Parrish C.Ghosting in emerging adults’ romantic relationships: The digital dissolution disappearance strategy.Imagin Cogn Pers.2019;39(2):125-150. doi:10.1177/0276236618820519Goldner L, Lev-Wiesel R, Simon G.Revenge fantasies after experiencing traumatic events: Sex differences.Front Psychol.2019;10:886. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2019.00886Michl LC, McLaughlin KA, Shepherd K, Nolen-Hoeksema S.Rumination as a mechanism linking stressful life events to symptoms of depression and anxiety: longitudinal evidence in early adolescents and adults.J Abnorm Psychol. 2013;122(2):339-352. doi:10.1037/a0031994
Stanford University.The ethics of manipulation.
Khullar TH, Kirmayer MH, Dirks MA.Relationship dissolution in the friendships of emerging adults: How, when, and why?J Soc Pers Relation. 2021;38(11):3243-3264. doi:10.1177/02654075211026015
Rogers SL, Howieson J, Neame C.I understand you feel that way, but I feel this way: the benefits of I-language and communicating perspective during conflict.PeerJ. 2018;6:e4831. doi:10.7717/peerj.4831
Kansky J, Allen JP.Making sense and moving on: The potential for individual and interpersonal growth following emerging adult breakups.Emerg Adulthood. 2018;6(3):172-190. doi:10.1177/2167696817711766
LeFebvre LE, Allen M, Rasner RD, Garstad S, Wilms A, Parrish C.Ghosting in emerging adults’ romantic relationships: The digital dissolution disappearance strategy.Imagin Cogn Pers.2019;39(2):125-150. doi:10.1177/0276236618820519
Goldner L, Lev-Wiesel R, Simon G.Revenge fantasies after experiencing traumatic events: Sex differences.Front Psychol.2019;10:886. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2019.00886
Michl LC, McLaughlin KA, Shepherd K, Nolen-Hoeksema S.Rumination as a mechanism linking stressful life events to symptoms of depression and anxiety: longitudinal evidence in early adolescents and adults.J Abnorm Psychol. 2013;122(2):339-352. doi:10.1037/a0031994
Brent LJN, Chang SWC, Gariépy JF, Platt ML.The neuroethology of friendship.Ann N Y Acad Sci. 2014;1316:1–17. doi:10.1111/nyas.12315Melis AP.The evolutionary roots of human collaboration: coordination and sharing of resources.Ann N Y Acad Sci. 2013;1299:68–76. doi:10.1111/nyas.12263
Brent LJN, Chang SWC, Gariépy JF, Platt ML.The neuroethology of friendship.Ann N Y Acad Sci. 2014;1316:1–17. doi:10.1111/nyas.12315
Melis AP.The evolutionary roots of human collaboration: coordination and sharing of resources.Ann N Y Acad Sci. 2013;1299:68–76. doi:10.1111/nyas.12263
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