Table of ContentsView AllTable of ContentsDo You Both Want It? Like, Really Want It?Do You Have Proven Trust and Attunement?Do You Feel At Home With Each Other?Can the Relationship Handle Disappointment?
Table of ContentsView All
View All
Table of Contents
Do You Both Want It? Like, Really Want It?
Do You Have Proven Trust and Attunement?
Do You Feel At Home With Each Other?
Can the Relationship Handle Disappointment?
Close
“Is this relationship going anywhere?”“Do you see a future with me?”“Are we ready to live together?”“Will you marry me?”
Fromsoft launchesto wedding bells, taking the next step in your relationship can feel both exciting…anddaunting.
Let’s talk about why. As commitment deepens, the initial enchantment of love can lose some of its thrill. In a relationship without concrete promises or explicit expectations, the road remains wide open, affording you and your partner a sense of freedom. In this realm, you could still be anyone and choose anything. The moment becomes juiced with erotic novelty. To want more is to move out of the present and into the future.
The future can be scary with uncertainty, but making plans provides a gorgeous safety to the relationship. Any unclarified needs, boundaries, or dreams now become clear. You get on the same page about what’s next and what you mean to each other. But how do you know when you’re ready to actualize your fantasies into reality?
Here are fourquestions to ask your partnerto ensure your relationship is healthy and ready for the next step.
In dating, there’s a concept termed the ‘relationship escalator’where a couple follows a progressive dating script that propels them towards significantstages of connection. It’s less about genuine feelings and more about hitting the societal checkmarks of what it means to be in a successful, legitimate relationship.
The relationship escalator typically follows this sequence: dating, cohabitation, marriage, home ownership, then kids. Till death do us part. For some people, it works. For other people, it’s a trap for an unhappy relationship. They believe they want this future when it’s actually the story they want—the partner that affirms their desirability, the kids that show they’ve made it, the house that signals status, the lifestyle to flaunt on social media.
They believe they want this future when it’s actually the story they want—the partner that affirms their desirability, the kids that show they’ve made it, the house that signals status, the lifestyle to flaunt on social media.
Fulfilling Your Needs in a Relationship
As human beings, we tend to repeat patterns. When contemplating thenext phase in a relationship, assess whether your partner has reliably fulfilled your needs and, when challenges arise, can prioritize the relationship’s well-being. This helps you understand the capacity as a partner based on their proven actions rather than their potential. Remember, the strongest predictor of future behavior is past behavior.
Consider the principles of attunement—the relational skill of getting on the same wavelength with someone else to establish heartfelt understanding. Achieving attunement involves being in sync on various levels, including listening, physical touch, emotional dialogue, tangible effort, and shared openness, all qualities that contribute to intimacy. How your partner co-creates a harmonious space speaks volumes.
Marriage or having kids won’t make them a better partner; besides, that’s too much of a risk to take. When you’ve attuned, you have taken the time to understand each other’s experiences to negotiate the same goals in the same timeline. You get each other with almost no words needed because you’re fluent in their emotional landscape.
When all of your parts are unconditionally accepted, it won’t feel scary to be seen.
Of course, you don’t want to disappoint your partner if you can help it. But it’s impossible you’re never going to let them down. If you’re afraid of hurting their feelings and communicating when you feel frustrated, insecure, or annoyed, honesty won’t exist. Your relationship has to be able to tolerate short-term discomfort to guarantee you both don’t devolve into self-abandoning and inauthentic behaviors in the future.
Still Not Sure?For both partners, ask this:Do you have a healthydistress tolerance?Can you communicate constructively?Can you disagree lovingly?If you’ve hurt your partner, can you reflect and change?
Still Not Sure?
For both partners, ask this:Do you have a healthydistress tolerance?Can you communicate constructively?Can you disagree lovingly?If you’ve hurt your partner, can you reflect and change?
For both partners, ask this:
If the answer is yes to all of these, it indicates youremotional maturityand ability to move through these challenges as your fullest self. It also shows you can distinguish between the emotions you need to feel on your own—knowing after the feeling is released, not every feeling has to be acted on—and what belongs to your partner to process together for a healthier relationship.
If you’re hesitant to cause discomfort because they’ll be upset, you’ll avoid sharing your candid opinions. If that’s the case, it may be too soon to take the next step, and I suggest working on your distress tolerance levels before promising more.
Imagine how difficult it will be whenemotional avoidanceis no longer an option because your lives are completely blended. These conversations are hard, but feeling resentment and injustice is much harder. Or worse, losing yourself in the relationship.
It’s important you’ve learned how to be compassionately honest, without suppressing your real thoughts and emotions, to help you build inner and outer confidence. The good news is that your body will begin to trust you as its best advocate because you won’t be betraying yourself.
Keep in Mind
There is no golden rule for taking the next step. You can fill out spreadsheets, engage inrelationship therapy, and rinse through every preventative exercise in the world. Yet none of these methods can shield you from the unpredictability of committing to a life with another person.
There comes a point where you have to do what you feel is the best step for your relationship. Know that you will grow into someone who can handle whatever happens in the future—so follow your heart. Love what you know and trust what you don’t. After all, change is the only constant in the universe.
2 SourcesVerywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.The Relationship Escalator.What Is The Relationship Escalator?Attunement Guild.Learn more about attunement as an energy medicine practice.
2 Sources
Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.The Relationship Escalator.What Is The Relationship Escalator?Attunement Guild.Learn more about attunement as an energy medicine practice.
Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.
The Relationship Escalator.What Is The Relationship Escalator?Attunement Guild.Learn more about attunement as an energy medicine practice.
The Relationship Escalator.What Is The Relationship Escalator?
Attunement Guild.Learn more about attunement as an energy medicine practice.
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