Table of ContentsView AllTable of ContentsWhat Is Tough Love?ExamplesDoes Tough Love Work?Tough Love vs. BoundariesAlternatives to Tough Love

Table of ContentsView All

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Table of Contents

What Is Tough Love?

Examples

Does Tough Love Work?

Tough Love vs. Boundaries

Alternatives to Tough Love

Tough love is a common expression used to describe any behavior that is a firm, sometimes cold, approach to handling another person’s actions. It is somewhat controversial, particularly when used in the treatment of certain disorders, such as drugaddictionor other addictive behaviors.

This article discusses howtough loveworks and whether this approach is effective. It also discusses how tough love differs from setting healthy boundaries and some alternative approaches that can be more effective.

There are several ways that tough love is used in everyday language. Most commonly, it is used to describe any type of parenting in which a child experiences some negative emotions as part of a learning process.

While the term tough love has become very popular in a variety of contexts ranging from parenting to relationships, it cannot be used effectively in all situations, including addiction.

Tough love can also refer to a positive approach to parenting in which the child learns valuable lessons in a way that is supportive and preserves the dignity of the child. This can include a healthy set of firm boundaries, common inauthoritative parentingstyles.

It can also refer toabusive parentingstyles in which humiliation, belittling or physical violence are used to control the child.

For instance, a parent may use tough love against their adult child who has not gotten a job. The parents practicing tough love would withhold paying bills and would let the child deal with the consequences, such as late payments or bill collection, rather than swooping in and fixing the problem.

In a harmful example of tough love, a parent would belittle or physically injure a child for failing to get a good grade or complete their chores. Having consequences can change behavior, but this is an extreme example that can have long-lasting negative repercussions.

RecapTough love can refer to a range of behaviors, some of which are positive and some of which are negative. When used effectively, it can mean detaching with love or setting healthy boundaries. When used ineffectively, it can be harsh, punishing, and even abusive.

Recap

Tough love can refer to a range of behaviors, some of which are positive and some of which are negative. When used effectively, it can mean detaching with love or setting healthy boundaries. When used ineffectively, it can be harsh, punishing, and even abusive.

What Not to Say to Someone With a Substance Use Problem

Examples of Tough Love for Addiction

Tough love often involves withholding assistance when a person is using a substance. It can also involve demanding that the other person enter compulsory treatment. Examples of tough love might include:

While such actions may be rooted in a desire to get the other person to get help, they are also likely to backfire and potentially contribute to further problems.

While tough love may appear to be effective in the short-term, it can actually worsen the condition and lead to dangerous relapses later on.

Research suggests that compulsory drug treatment may not improve outcomes.Approaches that encourage voluntary treatment may be more effective in getting people to initiate and maintain abstinence.

In particular, tough love has been identified as a dangerous technique in handling teens or adults struggling with addictions, such as those who engage in substance use. Some treatment centers use the term tough love to refer to a harsh approach that breaks down the will of the person.

Tough love can have its place in addiction treatment, but it should not be used without input from a physician or therapist. If you have a child or loved one struggling with addiction, seek out an addiction therapist for a consultation on how you can help your loved one. A therapist can advise you on the best approaches and boundaries to help your loved one recover in a sustainable way.

Tough Love vs. Setting Boundaries

Instead of tough love,healthy boundariesare often a more effective and sustainable solution. Your boundaries are the limits to what you are willing to accept in a relationship.

Explain these boundaries to the individual. Using"I feel" statementscan help express your feelings without being confrontational or accusatory.

RecapRather than focusing on simply using a “tough love” approach to dealing with a loved one who has an addiction, learning how to establish healthy boundaries can be more effective.

Rather than focusing on simply using a “tough love” approach to dealing with a loved one who has an addiction, learning how to establish healthy boundaries can be more effective.

While tough love can sometimes force people with substance and alcohol use disorders into treatment, research suggests that more empathetic, voluntary approaches are more effective.

Using the CRAFT approach, loved ones reinforce positive behaviors and avoid reinforcing negative behaviors. The approach is not only more compassionate, it also tends to be much more effective.

While it may take time to get the individual to voluntarily seek treatment, research suggests that it is often effective. In one study, 74% of participants were able to eventually get their loved one to enter addiction treatment.

RecapThe CRAFT approach is an effective alternative to tough love. Where tough love approaches often lead to resentment and resistance, CRAFT can help families reduce stress while encouraging loved ones to seek addiction treatment.

The CRAFT approach is an effective alternative to tough love. Where tough love approaches often lead to resentment and resistance, CRAFT can help families reduce stress while encouraging loved ones to seek addiction treatment.

A Word From Verywell

While tough love is often rooted in a desire to help, it is often applied in an ineffective or even harmful way. Rather than responding with actions that are overly harsh, authoritative, or uncaring, empathetic approaches tend to be more effective.

Establishing healthy boundaries can be a way to avoid enabling addiction while also encouraging your loved one to get the help they need. Also consider talking to your healthcare provider about the CRAFT approach, which teaches family members how to use behavioral strategies to reduce substance use and encourage treatment.

How to Emotionally Support Someone With an Addiction

6 Sources

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.

Werb D, Kamarulzaman A, Meacham MC, et al.The effectiveness of compulsory drug treatment: A systematic review.Int J Drug Policy. 2016;28:1-9. doi:10.1016/j.drugpo.2015.12.005

Polcin DL, Mulia N, Jones L.Substance users' perspectives on helpful and unhelpful confrontation: implications for recovery.J Psychoactive Drugs. 2012;44(2):144-152. doi:10.1080/02791072.2012.684626

Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration.What is substance abuse treatment? A booklet for families.

Hazelden Betty Ford Foundation.Boundaries in addiction recovery.

Lee K.An underappreciated intervention.Monitor on Psychology. 2017;48(11).

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