Table of ContentsView AllTable of ContentsHow It Works15 Signs You’ve Been Gaslit8 Common Gaslighting BehaviorsWhy Do Some People Gaslight Others?The Origins of GaslightingWhat to Do If Someone Is Gaslighting You
Table of ContentsView All
View All
Table of Contents
How It Works
15 Signs You’ve Been Gaslit
8 Common Gaslighting Behaviors
Why Do Some People Gaslight Others?
The Origins of Gaslighting
What to Do If Someone Is Gaslighting You
Gaslighting is a form of manipulation that often occurs in abusive relationships. It is a covert type ofemotional abusewhere the bully or abuser misleads the target, creating a false narrative and making them question their judgments and reality.Ultimately, the victim of gaslighting starts to feel unsure about their perceptions of the world and wonders if they are losing their sanity.
Gaslighting is usually performed over an extended period of time that causes the victim to question the validity of their own thoughts, perception of reality, or memories. This can lead to confusion, loss of confidence and self-esteem, and uncertainty of one’s mental stability. A common result of gaslighting is a dependency on the perpetrator.
Gaslighting primarily occurs in romantic relationships but can show up in friendships or among family members. People who gaslight others may have mental health disorders. They use this type of emotional abuse to exert power over others to manipulate friends, family members, or even co-workers.
How Do You Tell If Someone Is Gaslighting You?
GaslightingGaslighting is a technique that undermines a person’s perception of reality. When someone is gaslighting you, you may second-guess yourself, your memories, recent events, and perceptions.
Gaslighting
Gaslighting is a technique that undermines a person’s perception of reality. When someone is gaslighting you, you may second-guess yourself, your memories, recent events, and perceptions.
After communicating with the person gaslighting you, you may be left feeling dazed and wondering if there is something wrong with you. You may be encouraged to think you are actually to blame for something or that you’re just being too sensitive.
Gaslighting can confuse you and cause you to question your judgment, memory, self-worth, and overall mental health. It may help to know more about thetacticsa person who is gaslighting you might use.
Thisfree quizcan help you determine whether gaslighting is happening in your relationship or friendship.
What Are the Signs of Gaslighting?
Being subjected to gaslighting can cause anxiety, depression, and other mental health concerns including addiction and thoughts of suicide.For this reason, it’s important to recognize when you’re experiencing gaslighting. Ask yourself if any of the following statements ring true:
If you identify with any of these signs of gaslighting, it’s important that you seek professional help right away. Left unaddressed, gaslighting can take a significant toll on your self-esteem and overall mental health. Your doctor can recommend a counselor who is equipped to help you process and deal with what is happening to you.If you or a loved one are a victim of gaslighting, contact theSubstance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) National Helplineat1-800-662-4357for information on support and treatment facilities in your area.For more mental health resources, see ourNational Helpline Database
If you identify with any of these signs of gaslighting, it’s important that you seek professional help right away. Left unaddressed, gaslighting can take a significant toll on your self-esteem and overall mental health. Your doctor can recommend a counselor who is equipped to help you process and deal with what is happening to you.
If you or a loved one are a victim of gaslighting, contact theSubstance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) National Helplineat1-800-662-4357for information on support and treatment facilities in your area.
For more mental health resources, see ourNational Helpline Database
Gaslighting Behaviors
The following are the kinds of behaviors that signify someone is or has been gaslighting you.
Lying to You
People who engage in gaslighting are often habitual andpathological liarsand frequently exhibit narcissistic tendencies. It is typical for them to blatantly lie and never back down or change their stories, even whenyou call them outor provide proof of their deception. They may say something like: “You’re making things up,” “That never happened,” or “You’re crazy.”
Lying and distortion are the cornerstones of gaslighting behavior. Even when you know they are not telling the truth, they can be very convincing. In the end, you start to second-guess yourself.
Discrediting You
People whogaslight spread rumors and gossip about you to others. They may pretend to be worried about you while subtly telling others that you seem emotionally unstable or “crazy.” Unfortunately, this tactic can be extremely effective and many people side with the abuser or bully without knowing the full story.
Additionally, someone who engages in gaslighting may lie to you and tell you that other people also think this about you. These people may have never said a bad thing about you, but the person who is gaslighting you will make every attempt to get you to believe they do.
Distracting You
Minimizing Your Thoughts and Feelings
Trivializing your emotions allows the person who is gaslighting you to gain power over you. They might make statements like: “Calm down,” “You’re overreacting,” or “Why are you so sensitive?” All of these statements minimize how you’re feeling or what you’re thinking and communicate that you’re wrong.
When you deal with someone who never acknowledges your thoughts, feelings, or beliefs, you may begin to question them yourself. What’s more, you may never feel validated or understood, which can be extremely isolating, shaming, and difficult to cope with.
Shifting Blame
Blame-shifting is another common gaslighting tactic. Every discussion you have is somehow twisted to where you are to blame for something that occurred. Even when you try to discuss how the abuser’s behavior makes you feel, they’re able to twist the conversation so that you end up questioning if you are the cause of their bad behavior. For example, they may claim that if only you behaved differently, they would not treat you the way that they do.
Denying Wrongdoing
People who engage in bullying and emotional abuse are notorious for denying that they did anything wrong. They do this to avoid taking responsibility for their poor choices. This denial can leave the victim of gaslighting feeling unseen, unheard, and as though the impact on them is of no importance. This tactic also makes it very hard for the victim to move on or to heal from the bullying or abusiveness.
Using Compassionate Words as Weapons
Sometimes, when called out or questioned, a person who gaslights will usekind and loving wordsto try to smooth over the situation.They might say something like, “You know how much I love you. I would never hurt you on purpose.”
These words may be what you want to hear, but they are inauthentic, especially if the same behavior is repeated. That said, they may be just enough to convince you to let them off the hook, which allows the person to escape responsibility or consequences for their hurtful behavior.
Rewriting History
A person who gaslights tends to retell stories in ways that are in their favor. For instance, if your partnershoved you against the walland you are discussing it later, they may twist the story and say you stumbled and they tried to steady you, which is what caused you to fall into the wall.
You may begin to doubt your memory of what happened. Encouraging confusion or second-guessing on your part is exactly the intention.
RecapGaslighting can include a range of tactics including lying, distracting, minimizing, denying, and blaming. When you are dealing with someone who uses gaslighting as a manipulation tool, pay close attention to what they do, not the words they choose.
Recap
Gaslighting can include a range of tactics including lying, distracting, minimizing, denying, and blaming. When you are dealing with someone who uses gaslighting as a manipulation tool, pay close attention to what they do, not the words they choose.
Double Standards: How to Identify and Avoid Them in Relationships
The typical goal of the gaslighter is not just manipulation, but power and control—typically with the misguided cooperation of the manipulated victim. This type of learned behavior is often rooted inpsychopathyor a personality disorder such asnarcissistic,antisocial, andborderline.
Consequently, the wife begins second-guessing herself, her feelings, her perceptions, and her memories. Additionally, she feels neurotic, hypersensitive, and out-of-control, which is the goal of gaslighting—to leave the target feeling off-kilter and unsure of what is true and what isn’t.
Because this film was an accurate portrayal of the controlling and toxic actions that manipulative people use, psychologists and counselors began to label this type of emotionally abusive behavior “gaslighting.”
Feeling Led On? You Might Be A Victim of Breadcrumbing
If you are experiencing gaslighting in a relationship, there are some steps you can take to protect yourself. Things you might do include:
If you suspect that you are experiencing gaslighting, you may also find it helpful totalk to a mental health professional. They can help you learn more about the situation, gain perspective, and develop new coping strategies that can help you deal with the behavior.
Remember that you are not to blame for what you are experiencing. The person gaslighting you is making a choice to behave this way. They are responsible for their actions. Nothing you did caused them to make this choice, and you won’t be able to change what they’re doing.
But with counseling, you can learn how to make healthy choices andset boundarieswith the person who engages in gaslighting. Ultimately, you may reach a place where you feel ready to move on from the relationship.
13 Red Flags in Relationships
9 SourcesVerywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Breines J. Call me crazy: The subtle power of gaslighting.Berkeley Science Review.April 2012.Definition of gaslighting. Merriam-Webster.Ahern K.Institutional betrayal and gaslighting: Why whistle-blowers are so traumatized.J Perinat Neonatal Nurs.2018;32(1):59-65. doi:10.1097/JPN.0000000000000306Johnson VE, Nadal KL, Sissoko DRG, King R.“It’s not in your head”: gaslighting, ‘splaining, victim blaming, and other harmful reactions to microaggressions.Perspect Psychol Sci. 2021;16(5):1024-1036. doi:10.1177/17456916211011963Christensen M, Evans‐Murray A.Gaslighting in nursing academia: A new or established covert form of bullying?.Nurs Forum. 2021. doi:10.1111/nuf.12588Sweet PL.The sociology of gaslighting.Am Sociol Rev. 2019;84(5):851-875. doi:10.1177/0003122419874843Kacel EL, Ennis N, Pereira DB.Narcissistic personality disorder in clinical health psychology practice: case studies of comorbid psychological distress and life-limiting illness.Behav Med. 2017;43(3):156-164. doi:10.1080/08964289.2017.1301875MLAGenziana Lay.Understanding relational dysfunction in borderline, narcissistic, and antisocial personality disorders: Clinical considerations, presentation of three case studies, and implications for therapeutic intervention.JPR. 2019;9(8). doi:10.17265/2159-5542/2019.08.001Thomas L.Gaslight and gaslighting.The Lancet Psychiatry. 2018;5(2):117-118. doi:10.1016/S2215-0366(18)30024-5Additional ReadingMiano P, Bellomare M, Genova VG.Personality correlates of gaslighting behaviors in young adults.J Sex Aggression. 2021:1-14. doi:10.1080/13552600.2020.1850893Ruíz E.Cultural gaslighting.Hypatia. 2020;35(4):687-713. doi:10.1017/hyp.2020.33
9 Sources
Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Breines J. Call me crazy: The subtle power of gaslighting.Berkeley Science Review.April 2012.Definition of gaslighting. Merriam-Webster.Ahern K.Institutional betrayal and gaslighting: Why whistle-blowers are so traumatized.J Perinat Neonatal Nurs.2018;32(1):59-65. doi:10.1097/JPN.0000000000000306Johnson VE, Nadal KL, Sissoko DRG, King R.“It’s not in your head”: gaslighting, ‘splaining, victim blaming, and other harmful reactions to microaggressions.Perspect Psychol Sci. 2021;16(5):1024-1036. doi:10.1177/17456916211011963Christensen M, Evans‐Murray A.Gaslighting in nursing academia: A new or established covert form of bullying?.Nurs Forum. 2021. doi:10.1111/nuf.12588Sweet PL.The sociology of gaslighting.Am Sociol Rev. 2019;84(5):851-875. doi:10.1177/0003122419874843Kacel EL, Ennis N, Pereira DB.Narcissistic personality disorder in clinical health psychology practice: case studies of comorbid psychological distress and life-limiting illness.Behav Med. 2017;43(3):156-164. doi:10.1080/08964289.2017.1301875MLAGenziana Lay.Understanding relational dysfunction in borderline, narcissistic, and antisocial personality disorders: Clinical considerations, presentation of three case studies, and implications for therapeutic intervention.JPR. 2019;9(8). doi:10.17265/2159-5542/2019.08.001Thomas L.Gaslight and gaslighting.The Lancet Psychiatry. 2018;5(2):117-118. doi:10.1016/S2215-0366(18)30024-5Additional ReadingMiano P, Bellomare M, Genova VG.Personality correlates of gaslighting behaviors in young adults.J Sex Aggression. 2021:1-14. doi:10.1080/13552600.2020.1850893Ruíz E.Cultural gaslighting.Hypatia. 2020;35(4):687-713. doi:10.1017/hyp.2020.33
Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.
Breines J. Call me crazy: The subtle power of gaslighting.Berkeley Science Review.April 2012.Definition of gaslighting. Merriam-Webster.Ahern K.Institutional betrayal and gaslighting: Why whistle-blowers are so traumatized.J Perinat Neonatal Nurs.2018;32(1):59-65. doi:10.1097/JPN.0000000000000306Johnson VE, Nadal KL, Sissoko DRG, King R.“It’s not in your head”: gaslighting, ‘splaining, victim blaming, and other harmful reactions to microaggressions.Perspect Psychol Sci. 2021;16(5):1024-1036. doi:10.1177/17456916211011963Christensen M, Evans‐Murray A.Gaslighting in nursing academia: A new or established covert form of bullying?.Nurs Forum. 2021. doi:10.1111/nuf.12588Sweet PL.The sociology of gaslighting.Am Sociol Rev. 2019;84(5):851-875. doi:10.1177/0003122419874843Kacel EL, Ennis N, Pereira DB.Narcissistic personality disorder in clinical health psychology practice: case studies of comorbid psychological distress and life-limiting illness.Behav Med. 2017;43(3):156-164. doi:10.1080/08964289.2017.1301875MLAGenziana Lay.Understanding relational dysfunction in borderline, narcissistic, and antisocial personality disorders: Clinical considerations, presentation of three case studies, and implications for therapeutic intervention.JPR. 2019;9(8). doi:10.17265/2159-5542/2019.08.001Thomas L.Gaslight and gaslighting.The Lancet Psychiatry. 2018;5(2):117-118. doi:10.1016/S2215-0366(18)30024-5
Breines J. Call me crazy: The subtle power of gaslighting.Berkeley Science Review.April 2012.
Definition of gaslighting. Merriam-Webster.
Ahern K.Institutional betrayal and gaslighting: Why whistle-blowers are so traumatized.J Perinat Neonatal Nurs.2018;32(1):59-65. doi:10.1097/JPN.0000000000000306
Johnson VE, Nadal KL, Sissoko DRG, King R.“It’s not in your head”: gaslighting, ‘splaining, victim blaming, and other harmful reactions to microaggressions.Perspect Psychol Sci. 2021;16(5):1024-1036. doi:10.1177/17456916211011963
Christensen M, Evans‐Murray A.Gaslighting in nursing academia: A new or established covert form of bullying?.Nurs Forum. 2021. doi:10.1111/nuf.12588
Sweet PL.The sociology of gaslighting.Am Sociol Rev. 2019;84(5):851-875. doi:10.1177/0003122419874843
Kacel EL, Ennis N, Pereira DB.Narcissistic personality disorder in clinical health psychology practice: case studies of comorbid psychological distress and life-limiting illness.Behav Med. 2017;43(3):156-164. doi:10.1080/08964289.2017.1301875MLA
Genziana Lay.Understanding relational dysfunction in borderline, narcissistic, and antisocial personality disorders: Clinical considerations, presentation of three case studies, and implications for therapeutic intervention.JPR. 2019;9(8). doi:10.17265/2159-5542/2019.08.001
Thomas L.Gaslight and gaslighting.The Lancet Psychiatry. 2018;5(2):117-118. doi:10.1016/S2215-0366(18)30024-5
Miano P, Bellomare M, Genova VG.Personality correlates of gaslighting behaviors in young adults.J Sex Aggression. 2021:1-14. doi:10.1080/13552600.2020.1850893Ruíz E.Cultural gaslighting.Hypatia. 2020;35(4):687-713. doi:10.1017/hyp.2020.33
Miano P, Bellomare M, Genova VG.Personality correlates of gaslighting behaviors in young adults.J Sex Aggression. 2021:1-14. doi:10.1080/13552600.2020.1850893
Ruíz E.Cultural gaslighting.Hypatia. 2020;35(4):687-713. doi:10.1017/hyp.2020.33
Meet Our Review Board
Share Feedback
Was this page helpful?Thanks for your feedback!What is your feedback?HelpfulReport an ErrorOtherSubmit
Was this page helpful?
Thanks for your feedback!
What is your feedback?HelpfulReport an ErrorOtherSubmit
What is your feedback?
