A few years ago, my boyfriend broke up with me because of my mental illness. To be more specific, I was dumped because of the behavior my mental illness was causing, and the strain it took on our relationship. It was one of my biggest fears come true, to be “too much to handle” in a relationship.I’d beenstruggling with depressionfor years prior to the relationship, but while we were together, I was going through one of my darkest and lowest points ever — having mood swings and sobbing at the snap of a finger. He had to deal with my crying spells, refusal to go out and socialize with his friends, and my late nightanxiety attacks. I had zero control over my emotions.So, my boyfriend sat me down and told me that my depression was bringing him down, and he couldn’t handle it anymore. He had depression, too, and my behavior was taking a toll on his own mental health. It was devastating, but I understood why he did it. It’s hard to “take care” of a depressed person when you’re depressed yourself.I often ask myself if I would do the same thing if I were in his shoes. Honestly, I probably would.

How Mental Illness Can Make Breakups Trickier

Deciding whether or not to end a relationship is a hard decision. Yes, it sucks to get dumped, but it also sucks to be the one doing the dumping. Things can be even trickier when you’re contemplating breaking up with someone who has a mental illness. You might feel guilty or feel like you’re a bad person for breaking up with a partner due to something that’s out of their control and causes them to suffer. You might also be afraid that their condition will worsen if you leave.Mental illness alone is no excuse to break up with someone. Loads of people with mental health conditions are able to enjoy long lasting, fulfilling, happyrelationships. Just because someone is depressed, has anxiety, or [insert mental illness here], doesn’t mean you should write them off. A condition in and of itself is not a reason to break up with somebody.

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When Should You Break Up With Someone With a Mental Illness?

It might be time to be concerned about your relationship, when mental illness symptoms are getting in the way of your day to day life, or your safety is being compromised. You can definitely be in a healthy relationship with someone who has a mental illness, but keep an eye out for when things get unhealthy.Talkspace therapist Cynthia Catchings, LCSW-S, says “Some of the tell-tale signs we see in an unhealthy relationship where mental health issues are present are: Violence (verbal, physical, or sexual), inability to control emotions, hallucinations, disrespect, lack of remorse or empathy for people or animals, andnarcissisticbehaviors.”

Red flags

If any of these red flags come up, don’t ignore them. Violence or abuse of any capacityshould notbe tolerated, regardless of mental illness status. Your safety is important, and that comes first.In general, having a mental illness is not an excuse to treat someone poorly, with disrespect, or lack of empathy, as Catchings said. People with mental illnesses are certainly able to treat others with respect and love, just as people without a mental illness may treat you poorly. Ultimately, whether or not your partner has a mental illness, you’re going to consider ending things if you’re not happy.

The Effect On Your Own Mental Health

Tips To Go About Breaking Up

A breakup is a breakup, and you will likely handle it in many of the same ways you would handle breaking up with someone without a mental illness. Catchings suggests being “kind, empathetic, and firm.” You want to follow the general rules ofbreaking up without being a jerk: be completely open and honest, do it in person (don’t you dare think about doing it over text message), listen to what they have to say, and don’t give them mixed signals after the breakup.

Keep your safety in mind

However, there are some extra precautions you should take when breaking up with someone with certain types of mental illnesses or violent tendencies, to be extra safe. “In this case, time and mood is also important. We have to know or understand our partner enough to recognize if they are depressed, manic, or might be hallucinating due toschizophrenia[or another mental illness].” Catchings says. “We do not want to exacerbate their symptoms or cause stress, which could definitely make their symptoms worse. If possible, it is recommended to wait until your partner’s symptoms are more stable. Always protect your safety as well.”

Post Breakup Feelings

After a breakup, it’s normal to feel guilty, but you need to tell yourself that you’re doing the right thing for yourself, your mental health, and your safety. You may want to reach out to a close friend of your ex and tell them to keep a close eye on them and provide support for them as they go through the breakup, as well as make sure they’re keeping up with their treatment, whether it’s therapy, meds, or both.Also,practice self care! Just because you weren’t the one who was broken up with, it doesn’t mean you won’t be in emotional pain. It’s not easy toget over a breakup. Give yourself time, open up to your trusted friends, let yourself cry, andpleaseresiststalking your ex on social media!

Ultimately, you have to do what’s best for you. Of course, not every single relationship you’re in is going to work out. Things get in the way, and sometimes those things just so happen to be mental illness related. Every relationship we have teaches us a lesson, and in a case like this, the lesson is that we have to do what’s best for our own mental health and safety.

Our goal at Talkspace is to provide the most up-to-date, valuable, and objective information on mental health-related topics in order to help readers make informed decisions.

Articles contain trusted third-party sources that are either directly linked to in the text or listed at the bottom to take readers directly to the source.

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