Table of ContentsView AllTable of ContentsLust vs. Love: How Are They Different?Signs of Lust in a RelationshipSigns Your Partner Is Feeling LustIs Lust a Healthy Emotion?What Happens After You Act on Feelings of Lust?
Table of ContentsView All
View All
Table of Contents
Lust vs. Love: How Are They Different?
Signs of Lust in a Relationship
Signs Your Partner Is Feeling Lust
Is Lust a Healthy Emotion?
What Happens After You Act on Feelings of Lust?
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Lust is a feeling of having a strong sexual desire for another person. It is the initial driving force that attracts us to a potential partner and helps keep the passion alive in a long-term relationship.
Lust alters the chemicals in our brains. Hormones like testosterone, pheromones, and androgens all influence how lust may be experienced. This is also a part of our natural biological processes and the human instinct to procreate.
Upon seeing someone we find ourselves attracted to, we may experience lust and desire sexual intercourse with them to continue our species. People can experience feelings of lust upon meeting someone new or within a committed partnership.
At a GlanceSo how do you know if what you are feeling is a sign of lust or love? How can you spot the signs of lust in a man or woman? It can be difficult to tell them apart, particularly during a relationship’s intense and passionate early days. This article explores what lust is and what it is not, how it compares to love, signs you may be experiencing lust, how to express it healthily, and the potential pitfalls of lust.
At a Glance
So how do you know if what you are feeling is a sign of lust or love? How can you spot the signs of lust in a man or woman? It can be difficult to tell them apart, particularly during a relationship’s intense and passionate early days. This article explores what lust is and what it is not, how it compares to love, signs you may be experiencing lust, how to express it healthily, and the potential pitfalls of lust.
You may feel an undeniable connection to somebody and think that it’s love at first sight. It is important to note, though, that there is a clear difference between lust andlove.
Ultimately, lust is strictly based on sexual attraction, whereas love is based on emotional desire. Verywell askedErica F. Zajac, LCSW(they/them/none/he/she), a sex-positive and trauma specialist, to explore this distinction further.
Zajac says, “These two concepts are very different, and many people tend to confuse love with lust.” They go on to say that, “Some people may actually confuse the two concepts and believe they are ‘in love’ when, in fact, they are ‘in lust.'”
If you think you are experiencing love at first sight, the chances are likely that what you are feeling is lust and not love. So, how can you tell the difference?
Erica F. Zajac, LCSWThe best indicator is that feelings of love will come from an emotional place. This means that having sex doesnotneed to be the reason you spend time with someone.
Erica F. Zajac, LCSW
The best indicator is that feelings of love will come from an emotional place. This means that having sex doesnotneed to be the reason you spend time with someone.
If you’re experiencing love, you will want to spend time with this person in a non-physical way, including bonding time, going out to eat, having conversations about long-term goals, or doing other things that are not sexual in nature.
Research has found that attraction, attachment, and lust are distinct but intertwined processes in the brain.So while different neurotransmitters influence love and lust, these circuits are connected and reinforce one another.
LustBased on sexual attractionSimilar to chemistryPhysical or surface-level connectionDisinterest in getting to know the person you’re lusting afterLoveMore emotional in natureSimilar to compatibilityDeeper, more intimate connectionInterest in establishing a stronger connection than a sexual one
LustBased on sexual attractionSimilar to chemistryPhysical or surface-level connectionDisinterest in getting to know the person you’re lusting after
Based on sexual attraction
Similar to chemistry
Physical or surface-level connection
Disinterest in getting to know the person you’re lusting after
LoveMore emotional in natureSimilar to compatibilityDeeper, more intimate connectionInterest in establishing a stronger connection than a sexual one
More emotional in nature
Similar to compatibility
Deeper, more intimate connection
Interest in establishing a stronger connection than a sexual one
Although love and lust may be different, can the two feelings co-exist? Yes, they can. Zajac says that any time when we start dating someone new, we experience “new relationship energy” (or NRE), which is usually based on sexual desire (or lust).
How long lust lasts can vary, but this phase of a relationship often continues for up to two years. However, over time once a deeper, more emotional connection has been established, love can develop. At this time, lustandlove can both be present in a relationship.
What Is Love?
What are some signs that you may be experiencing lust and not love? You may be feeling lust if you relate to any of the following characteristics:
If you are experiencing a stronger connection with somebody and want to foster a deeper bond, then it’s possible you’re developing feelings of love instead of lust.
You don’t need to feel love to experience sexual desire, and feeling sexual desire doesn’t necessarily result in falling in love. Researchers have found that eye gaze can provide important clues about whether a person feels love or lust. Perhaps not surprisingly, the results found that people are more likely to look at a person’s face if they are feeling love, but eye gaze focuses more on the other person’s body if they are feeling lust.
So how can you tell if your partner is interested in a passionate fling or if they are looking for a more lasting connection? Are the signs of lust in a man different than they are in a woman? No matter who your partner is, there are some signs that they might be feeling lust but not love:
Is lust a healthy emotion? The short answer is yes. It can be. According to Zajac, lust is not exactly “healthy” or “unhealthy” in and of itself. Rather, “how a person expresses lust may be healthy or unhealthy,” she clarifies.
To figure out if you are experiencing lust in a healthy or unhealthy way, she suggests reflecting on the downsides associated with acting upon it rather than focusing on whether the emotion itself is healthy or not. “Are there any negatives associated with it? There can be, but that is based mostly on behavior, not the actual feeling itself.”
How to Express Lust to Your Partner in a Healthy Way
How can folks experience lust without acting upon it but still expressing or honoring it healthily?
First, always ask for consent before initiating any physical or sexual behavior with another person. Openly communicate your desires with partners and potential partners to avoid miscommunications or incompatibility.
When initiating the conversation about lust with a partner, prioritize honesty and transparency about your feelings. A conversation is critical if you feel lust toward a person outside of your relationship because it will allow you to address underlying reasons or whether your partner would be comfortable with you acting on that attraction.
In an effort to reduce the likelihood of conflict orinfidelity, Zajac recommends not just asking your partner if you can engage in a sexual relationship with someone else. Instead, let them know that you’re experiencing attraction toward another person.
If they don’t respect how you feel, it’s up to you to decide how you’d like to continue the conversation and/or the course of the relationship. (Once again, honesty is key here.)
If you want to act on your lustful feelings with your partner or potential partner, it’s possible to accomplish that without causing issues. Here are some ways in which you can express lust in a healthy way to your partner or potential partner:
How Not to Express Lust to Your Partner
Although lust is a naturalemotionmost people eventually experience, it’s important to be careful of how you act on it.
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Depending on the situation, there can be small to severe consequences after acting on lust. If you act on lust in an “unhealthy” way, you may experience one or more of the following emotions or situations:
“It is important to pause, take a step back, and try to look at how you are feeling objectively (which is very hard but necessary),” says Zajac. To avoid unwanted and undesirable results, you will want to go slower in your sexual andromantic relationships.
Journalingand self-reflection can also help you understand your emotions and whether or not you are actively experiencing lust or something else.
When Lust Has Positive EffectsLust is a common, natural biological reaction that can offer many benefits. “When acted on with respect, lust can be fun, deepen a connection in a relationship, and even help repair issues within a relationship,” adds Zajac. Whether you’re single or in a committed partnership, healthily acting on lust can transform your relationship, depending on how you navigate it.
When Lust Has Positive Effects
Lust is a common, natural biological reaction that can offer many benefits. “When acted on with respect, lust can be fun, deepen a connection in a relationship, and even help repair issues within a relationship,” adds Zajac. Whether you’re single or in a committed partnership, healthily acting on lust can transform your relationship, depending on how you navigate it.
If you still find yourself wanting to act on your feelings of lust when the opportunity may end up being destructive or might cause harm, consider seeking the help of a relationship therapist or psychologist. This person may assist you in understanding where these feelings are coming from and what you can do to express it in a healthy way moving forward.
Keep in Mind
Lust can be an important part of a romantic relationship as long as it is expressed in ways that are healthy, safe, and consensual. It’s easy to confuse lust and love, and the two often occur together, particularly during a relationship’s early “honeymoon” stage.
Recognizing the differences, including the fact that love involves a more emotional connection while lust focuses on physical attraction, can help you tell if your partner is in love or lust. The bottom line is that the signs of lust for both men and women involve wanting to be physicallywitha person, while signs of love focus on wanting toknow moreabout the other person.
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2 SourcesVerywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Seshadri KG.The neuroendocrinology of love.Indian J Endocrinol Metab. 2016;20(4):558-563. doi:10.4103/2230-8210.183479Bolmont M, Cacioppo JT, Cacioppo S.Love is in the gaze: an eye-tracking study of love and sexual desire.Psychol Sci. 2014;25(9):1748-1756. doi:10.1177/0956797614539706
2 Sources
Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Seshadri KG.The neuroendocrinology of love.Indian J Endocrinol Metab. 2016;20(4):558-563. doi:10.4103/2230-8210.183479Bolmont M, Cacioppo JT, Cacioppo S.Love is in the gaze: an eye-tracking study of love and sexual desire.Psychol Sci. 2014;25(9):1748-1756. doi:10.1177/0956797614539706
Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.
Seshadri KG.The neuroendocrinology of love.Indian J Endocrinol Metab. 2016;20(4):558-563. doi:10.4103/2230-8210.183479Bolmont M, Cacioppo JT, Cacioppo S.Love is in the gaze: an eye-tracking study of love and sexual desire.Psychol Sci. 2014;25(9):1748-1756. doi:10.1177/0956797614539706
Seshadri KG.The neuroendocrinology of love.Indian J Endocrinol Metab. 2016;20(4):558-563. doi:10.4103/2230-8210.183479
Bolmont M, Cacioppo JT, Cacioppo S.Love is in the gaze: an eye-tracking study of love and sexual desire.Psychol Sci. 2014;25(9):1748-1756. doi:10.1177/0956797614539706
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