Table of ContentsView AllTable of ContentsNiceness vs. KindnessEffects on Mental Health and Emotional IntelligenceDeveloping Kindness

Table of ContentsView All

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Table of Contents

Niceness vs. Kindness

Effects on Mental Health and Emotional Intelligence

Developing Kindness

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Ever heard the phrase, “New Yorkers are kind but not nice"? It’s a common stereotype that those living in the Big Apple are rude and crass but kind. You might be thinking:well, you can’t be kind if you’re not nice.

Contrary to popular opinion, kindness is not synonymous with niceness. In fact, some say to be nice is to be superficially pleasant while to be kind is to genuinely care about the well-being of others. But howtrueis this claim, really? Below, we lay out the differences between niceness and kindness.

Niceness and Kindness: The Key Differences

Are you nice or are you kind? Well, according toCynthia Vejar, PhD, LPC, an associate professor and the director of three counseling programs at Lebanon Valley College, “Niceness [is a] kind of outer layer of engagement with the world and with people around you.” Kindness, in comparison, “is more internal [on a] deeper level.”

Cynthia Vejar, PhD, LPCAre you a good person who does things that are beneficial for others? Do you have empathy? Are you somebody who is a doer for others?

Cynthia Vejar, PhD, LPC

Are you a good person who does things that are beneficial for others? Do you have empathy? Are you somebody who is a doer for others?

Molly Burrets, PhD, a licensed clinical psychologist and an adjunct professor at the University of Southern California, sees the difference between niceness and kindness as something deeply tied to motivation and intention.

“Niceness is primarily focused; it has this extrinsic emphasis on what my behavior looks like to other people on the outside and from the outside,” she says, “whereas kindness is less about what it looks like on the outside and more about the intention behind the behavior. I call it a sort of intrinsic focus as opposed to an extrinsic focus.”

Burrets also points out that just because something is kind, doesn’t mean it will inherently come across as nice. “When you end a relationship directly and clearly when you know that it’s over, that is a kindness that doesn’t look nice from the outside,” she notes.

Examples of Niceness vs. Kindness

An example of niceness, in comparison, is if someone asks if their haircut looks bad, and it does, but you still say it looks great. Whereas, if you were kind, you would say something like, “Ehh, you know it may not be thebesthaircut you’ve ever gotten but it’ll grow out well and you are so beautiful, you make it work!”

Did you know there’s a relationship between kindness andemotional intelligence? Yep, Burrets says that your level of emotional intelligence can make a significant difference in how you perceive and act upon niceness and kindness.

“The more emotional intelligence you have, the more likely you are to be able to discern between niceness and kindness, and the more likely you are to be able to choose kindness, even when it is the more difficult choice to make,” she notes. In other words, depending on how easy it is for you toprocess your emotions,regulate your feelings, andcommunicate, you can discern when someone is being nice versus kind. Plus, you can determine when to be kind vs. nice in appropriate situations.

5 Key Emotional Intelligence Skills

Kindness, Niceness, and Their Role on Relationships

Recognizing kindness and being kind isn’t just an indicator of your EQ, either. It also plays a huge role in the success of your relationships. For example, Verjar saystrust issuesand conflict can arise in romantic relationships where one partner is met “with a lack of kindness.“

“I’ve seen situations where somebody engages with somebody who’s nice, and then the person’s not kind, and then they make assumptions about other nice people,” she explains. “They think, ‘Oh, if a person’s nice, that means they’re fake.’ And of course, that may or may not be true.”

Using “Niceness” to Manipulate

There’s also the issue of niceness being used as “symbolic violence” to control and manipulate others.

We’ve seen niceness, orperceived niceness, weaponized, particularly against marginalized people.

Thestereotype of the angry Black womanor the bitter disabled person can be traced back to this pervasive societal idea that you must be nice to receive care and compassion. It’s important to know how niceness can be used against people across many lines including gender, Burret explains.

“People who are in positions of authority or have more power, people from dominant groups, can use niceness as a mask or a cover-up for doing things that are actually harmful to people that are in marginalized groups,“ she says. “And then when people that identify with marginalized groups respond in a not nice way, their lack of niceness is weaponized against them.”

How to Develop Kindness and Identify It in Another Person

Similarly, being self-reflective can look likebeing more presentand asking yourselfdeep open-ended questionslike “What could I have done differently today?” or “How did X event make me feel?” It can also include journaling your feelings, taking a stroll in nature, or even practicing meditation. Just sitting in silence for five minutes and letting your thoughts gather is great to reflect on yourself and your feelings.

Overall, being reflective and aware of your feelings is a great step towards being mindful and considerate (AKA kind) to others. As the saying goes, “Treat others how you would want to be treated.”

6 Ways to Become a Kinder Person

Bottom Line

Niceness is often based on outward appearance to others whereas kindness comes from within. It’s an intrinsic motivator to be the type of person you want to be, regardless of how people see you. And look, being kind can be hard, especially if you care what people think of you. But sometimes the kindest thing to do isn’t to be nice, but genuine. So, extend yourself (and others!) some much needed-kindness. It beats being nice any day.

2 SourcesVerywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Dating and romance: the problem with kindness. Association for Psychological Science - APS.Contandriopoulos D, Stake-Doucet N, Schilling J.Fake kindness, caring and symbolic violence.Nurs Ethics. 2024;31(6):1041-1049. doi:10.1177/09697330231209290

2 Sources

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Dating and romance: the problem with kindness. Association for Psychological Science - APS.Contandriopoulos D, Stake-Doucet N, Schilling J.Fake kindness, caring and symbolic violence.Nurs Ethics. 2024;31(6):1041-1049. doi:10.1177/09697330231209290

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.

Dating and romance: the problem with kindness. Association for Psychological Science - APS.Contandriopoulos D, Stake-Doucet N, Schilling J.Fake kindness, caring and symbolic violence.Nurs Ethics. 2024;31(6):1041-1049. doi:10.1177/09697330231209290

Dating and romance: the problem with kindness. Association for Psychological Science - APS.

Contandriopoulos D, Stake-Doucet N, Schilling J.Fake kindness, caring and symbolic violence.Nurs Ethics. 2024;31(6):1041-1049. doi:10.1177/09697330231209290

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