Table of ContentsView AllTable of ContentsWhy Do We Complain?BenefitsPotential PitfallsStrategies and Solutions

Table of ContentsView All

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Table of Contents

Why Do We Complain?

Benefits

Potential Pitfalls

Strategies and Solutions

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Few things feel more cathartic than a long-awaited venting session with my girlfriends. As much as I hesitate to admit it, complaining feels pretty dang good…well, in the moment at least.

So, what gives?

Well, it turns out that—as with so many other things in life—complaining is best done in moderation. Too much can be counterproductive whilebottling in our feelingscan be harmful to our health. The goal is to find that sweet spot, which not only alleviates stress but can also help us find appropriate solutions for what bothers us. Ahead, we explain how you can complain more productively, so your daily venting sessions don’t always end with negative vibes.

The Nature of Complaining

Storytelling is a uniquely human experience, which has allowed us to bond,develop empathy, and cope with hardship throughout our history.Venting, to a certain extent, captures this need to be seen, heard, and understood on a deeper level.

Why Do We Complain?“Complaining involves the verbal expression of [our] pain, discomfort, or grievances,” saysLauren Farina, LCSW, MSW,founding CEO and psychotherapist at Invited Psychotherapy and Coaching. “In moderate doses, complaining [allows] for emotional discharge, offering us relief from the stressful effects of emotional repression. As such, it can help to reduce feelings of stress.”

“Complaining involves the verbal expression of [our] pain, discomfort, or grievances,” saysLauren Farina, LCSW, MSW,founding CEO and psychotherapist at Invited Psychotherapy and Coaching. “In moderate doses, complaining [allows] for emotional discharge, offering us relief from the stressful effects of emotional repression. As such, it can help to reduce feelings of stress.”

Our urge to vent also has evolutionary underpinnings, according toDr. Mary Poffenroth, a biopsychologist and faculty member at San Jose State University. “Our need to recognize and explain possible hazards or challenges in our surroundings has molded this behavior,” she says. “Human survival and social cooperation over our species' history depend critically on our capacity to express discontent.”

Benefits of Complaining in Small Doses

When done intentionally, complaining can bring about several benefits. Here are a few of the biggest ones:

Emotional Release

Research has shown that suppressing our emotions is harmful to our well-being, and can result in depressive symptoms, fatigue, low self-esteem, and low life satisfaction. Releasing our emotions, when done through intentional complaining, can not only relieve stress but alsoboost self-esteemand relationship satisfaction.

Problem-Solving and Perspective

Complaining in small amounts may help us formulate solutions to problems. Dr. Poffenroth says complaining activates ourprefrontal cortex, a brain region “responsible for executive functions such as planning, decision-making, and problem-solving.” When we engage our prefrontal cortex, we can move away from instinctive andimpulsive actionsand instead think through the next steps more logically.

Additionally, complaining “sometimes elicits support from others, who can offer new perspectives and ideas,” says Farina. “The human connection that complaining can engender is also protective against stress.”

Outside input from those we trust can pave a new way forward and help us break away from ruminative or catastrophic thinking.

Motivation for Change

We can also bring about change when we complain in small doses. Farina says thatall emotions serve a purpose.

Lauren Farina, LCSW, MSWThe anger and frustration that we feel can compel us to change.

Lauren Farina, LCSW, MSW

The anger and frustration that we feel can compel us to change.

For example, if we find ourselves complaining about an ongoing issue at work, we might be motivated to talk about it with our boss.

Potential Pitfalls of Excessive Complaining

What happens when our venting goes too far? Turns out, it can do a lot more harm than good.

Excessive complainingcan feed into what’s known as anegative bias, or “a tendency to view ourselves and the world around us as inherently problematic,” says Farina.

When reinforced over time, this negative worldview can become our default way of thinking. This occurs through a process known asneuroplasticity, which is “the capacity to create and reinterpret synaptic connections in response to experience or education,” according to Dr. Poffenroth.

RecapBasically, we condition our brain to think a certain way, through time and repetition. Excessive complaining trains our brains to look for what bothers us, versus noticing what’s going well or what makes us feel good.

Recap

Basically, we condition our brain to think a certain way, through time and repetition. Excessive complaining trains our brains to look for what bothers us, versus noticing what’s going well or what makes us feel good.

How and Why You Should Stop Complaining

Strategies for Constructive Complaining

Before we unload all of our day’s problems onto a friend orpartner,we need to take a beat and make sure our complaining actually serves us. To do so, we can employ a few strategies for constructive complaining, which Dr. Poffenroth describes as “deliberately expressing discontent in a way that is solution-oriented and does not feed bad neural paths.”

Tip: She urges us to first and foremost limit the time we spend complaining. This can look like setting a timer on our phone or having the other person gently remind us when it’s time to wrap things up.

Farina suggests using a prompt to guide us towards meaningful solutions: “I feel X, because of Y, and I need Z.” She also recommends setting limits around who, what, where, and how we complain.

“Pick one or two trusted colleagues or friends, and only complain about high-impact issues, like difficult relationship dynamics or an overwhelming workload,” she says. “Ensure that you pick a private spot to vent, so as not to disturb others or even cause harm to your relationships.”

Worry Time: The Benefits of Scheduling Time to Stress

Conclusion

We all complain, and though it can often get a bad rap, it’s not an inherently detrimental action. However, when our seemingly harmless evening vent turns into an endless cycle of negativity, that can become problematic.

3 SourcesVerywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Garcia-Pelegrin E, Wilkins C, Clayton NS.The ape that lived to tell the tale. The evolution of the art of storytelling and its relationship to mental time travel and theory of mind.Front Psychol. 2021;12:755783.Cameron LD, Overall NC.Suppression and expression as distinct emotion-regulation processes in daily interactions: Longitudinal and meta-analyses.Emotion. 2018;18(4):465-480.Puderbaugh M, Emmady PD.Neuroplasticity. In:StatPearls. StatPearls Publishing; 2024.

3 Sources

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Garcia-Pelegrin E, Wilkins C, Clayton NS.The ape that lived to tell the tale. The evolution of the art of storytelling and its relationship to mental time travel and theory of mind.Front Psychol. 2021;12:755783.Cameron LD, Overall NC.Suppression and expression as distinct emotion-regulation processes in daily interactions: Longitudinal and meta-analyses.Emotion. 2018;18(4):465-480.Puderbaugh M, Emmady PD.Neuroplasticity. In:StatPearls. StatPearls Publishing; 2024.

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.

Garcia-Pelegrin E, Wilkins C, Clayton NS.The ape that lived to tell the tale. The evolution of the art of storytelling and its relationship to mental time travel and theory of mind.Front Psychol. 2021;12:755783.Cameron LD, Overall NC.Suppression and expression as distinct emotion-regulation processes in daily interactions: Longitudinal and meta-analyses.Emotion. 2018;18(4):465-480.Puderbaugh M, Emmady PD.Neuroplasticity. In:StatPearls. StatPearls Publishing; 2024.

Garcia-Pelegrin E, Wilkins C, Clayton NS.The ape that lived to tell the tale. The evolution of the art of storytelling and its relationship to mental time travel and theory of mind.Front Psychol. 2021;12:755783.

Cameron LD, Overall NC.Suppression and expression as distinct emotion-regulation processes in daily interactions: Longitudinal and meta-analyses.Emotion. 2018;18(4):465-480.

Puderbaugh M, Emmady PD.Neuroplasticity. In:StatPearls. StatPearls Publishing; 2024.

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