Is a Monogamish Relationship Right For You?

Table of ContentsView AllTable of ContentsWhat Does It Mean to Be Monogamish?How Being Monogamish WorksPotential Benefits of a Monogamish RelationshipPotential Risks of a Monogamish RelationshipHow to Talk to Your Partner About Being Monogamish

Table of ContentsView All

View All

Table of Contents

What Does It Mean to Be Monogamish?

How Being Monogamish Works

Potential Benefits of a Monogamish Relationship

Potential Risks of a Monogamish Relationship

How to Talk to Your Partner About Being Monogamish

Close

A monogamish relationship is something in between a monogamous relationship and anopen relationship—it looks different for every couple, is not fully closed or fully open, and involves commitment with flexibility when it comes to intimacy outside the primary partnership.

“A monogamish relationship is a flexible agreement with boundaries and rules about relational encounters with third parties. It’s not a blanket agreement but rather one that is unique to each couple, according to their values and needs,” saysClaudia de Llano, LMFT, a licensed marriage and family therapist and author of “The Seven Destinies of Love.”

In this article, we explore what monogamish relationships could look like, the potential benefits and risks, and some strategies that can help you talk to your partner about potentially being monogamish.

Like other types of open relationships, there is no one-size-fits-all approach to monogamish relationships. This type of relationship can look different with every couple, says de Llano.

Broadly speaking, it involves being mostly monogamous with one partner and engaging with others outside the relationship based on a set of agreed-upon rules, boundaries, and circumstances.

The couple essentially decides and determines the “ish,” says de Llano.

How It Might Work

If you decide you are open to exploring a monogamish relationship, it’s important for you and your partner to thoroughly discuss your feelings, preferences, needs, and boundaries, and mutually agree onwhat’s permitted outside the relationship.

For instance, you might decide that flirting, texting, chatting with, or going on occasional dates with other people are allowed, that you would like explore intimacy with a third party together, or that you and your partner are allowed to fulfill certainfantasiesor needs (emotional or physical) with others, de Llano explains.

In addition to deciding what is permitted outside the relationship, you and your partner can also decide what activities or level of intimacy are off-limits. For instance, you may agree it is okay to have sex with someone but not sleep over, date someone but not have sex with them, or vice versa.

You may establish boundaries around different types of touch and whether you are intimate with others separately or only together as a couple. You may set limits on how many times you can see the same person or the frequency or content of communication in between meetings.

You can also set rules for this arrangement, such as how often these encounters are allowed or where they can take place.

It’s important to remember that a monogamish relationship is a type of relationship arrangement that prioritizes the committed couple involved and honors the agreements established between them. Both partners need to respect therulesof the arrangement and communicate their feelings, requests, and needs along the way.

Above all, the arrangement needs to be consensual. Both partners should want it and agree to the terms.

Claudia de Llano, LMFTTrust, consensual agreement, and honest communication are key to making a monogamish relationship work.

Claudia de Llano, LMFT

Trust, consensual agreement, and honest communication are key to making a monogamish relationship work.

How to Have a Happy, Healthy, and Successful Open Marriage

These are some of the potential benefits of a somewhat open relationship.

Allows You to Customize Your Relationship

The idea of monogamous marriage is centuries-old and based on religious underpinnings, says de Llano. However, that type of relationship isn’t necessarily the best fit for everyone.

Being in a monogamish relationship allows you to customize your relationship so that it works for you. You and your partner can work out an arrangement that fulfills both your needs with adherence to your personalvalues.

Though it may seem unconventional, non-monogamy is not as uncommon as you might think. It is estimated that more than 5% of people in North America are in some type of consensual non-monogamous relationship.

In fact, a 2020 study with over 800 participants in monogamous relationships found that nearly one-third of them fantasized about opening up their relationship, and 80% said they wanted to act upon this fantasy in the future.

Gives You an Opportunity to Fulfill Unmet Needs

If you or your partner haveneedsthat are not being met within the relationship, a monogamish relationship can help you explore them.

The idea behind monogamish relationships is that two people don’t have to be everything to each other and therefore can set up rules to have specific needs met outside of the relationship in a way that brings more balance to their lives, says de Llano.

With this type of relationship, people can depart from the antiquated precept of two people needing to fulfill one another in all ways for always, she adds.

Having your needs met can make you feel happier and more fulfilled, which can benefit your relationship with your partner.

Offers Fresh Experiences

As much as you may love your partner, your relationship may start to feel a little stale orboringafter some time. You may find yourself craving excitement and variety.

A monogamish arrangement allows you to seek fresh, exciting experiences outside the relationship, while still having the stability and companionship of your long-term partner.

Engaging in non-monogamous encounters with other people can enablepersonal growthand help you gain deeper insights into yourself.

Improves Communication and Bonding

Though it seems counterintuitive, being with other people can help strengthen the bond between you and your partner.

If you and your partner are sufficiently secure in yourselves and your relationship, having an open mindset could enhance the quality of the relationship, says de Llano.

By discussing your needs, encouraging each other to seek fulfillment, and sharing yourvulnerabilitiesand insights, you can deepen your bond with your partner.

In fact, research suggests that people who are in consensual non-monogamous relationships are just as happy and satisfied as people in monogamous relationships.

How Does a Throuple Work?

A monogamish relationship can also come with some risk:

What to Do When Your Partner Wants An Open Relationship—and You Don’t

De Llano shares some strategies that can help you talk to your partner about being monogamish:

The 10 Best Online Couples Therapy Services We Tried and Tested

Exploring Polyamory and Ethical Non-Monogamy as a Latina Woman

3 SourcesVerywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Scoats R, Campbell C.What do we know about consensual non-monogamy?Curr Opin Psychol. 2022;48:101468. doi:10.1016/j.copsyc.2022.101468Lehmiller JJ.Fantasies about consensual non-monogamy among persons in monogamous romantic relationships.Arch Sex Behav. 2020;49(8):2799-2812. doi:10.1007/s10508-020-01788-7Rubel AN, Bogaert AF.Consensual non-monogamy: psychological well-being and relationship quality correlates.J Sex Res. 2015;52(9):961-982. doi:10.1080/00224499.2014.942722

3 Sources

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Scoats R, Campbell C.What do we know about consensual non-monogamy?Curr Opin Psychol. 2022;48:101468. doi:10.1016/j.copsyc.2022.101468Lehmiller JJ.Fantasies about consensual non-monogamy among persons in monogamous romantic relationships.Arch Sex Behav. 2020;49(8):2799-2812. doi:10.1007/s10508-020-01788-7Rubel AN, Bogaert AF.Consensual non-monogamy: psychological well-being and relationship quality correlates.J Sex Res. 2015;52(9):961-982. doi:10.1080/00224499.2014.942722

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.

Scoats R, Campbell C.What do we know about consensual non-monogamy?Curr Opin Psychol. 2022;48:101468. doi:10.1016/j.copsyc.2022.101468Lehmiller JJ.Fantasies about consensual non-monogamy among persons in monogamous romantic relationships.Arch Sex Behav. 2020;49(8):2799-2812. doi:10.1007/s10508-020-01788-7Rubel AN, Bogaert AF.Consensual non-monogamy: psychological well-being and relationship quality correlates.J Sex Res. 2015;52(9):961-982. doi:10.1080/00224499.2014.942722

Scoats R, Campbell C.What do we know about consensual non-monogamy?Curr Opin Psychol. 2022;48:101468. doi:10.1016/j.copsyc.2022.101468

Lehmiller JJ.Fantasies about consensual non-monogamy among persons in monogamous romantic relationships.Arch Sex Behav. 2020;49(8):2799-2812. doi:10.1007/s10508-020-01788-7

Rubel AN, Bogaert AF.Consensual non-monogamy: psychological well-being and relationship quality correlates.J Sex Res. 2015;52(9):961-982. doi:10.1080/00224499.2014.942722

Meet Our Review Board

Share Feedback

Was this page helpful?Thanks for your feedback!What is your feedback?HelpfulReport an ErrorOtherSubmit

Was this page helpful?

Thanks for your feedback!

What is your feedback?HelpfulReport an ErrorOtherSubmit

What is your feedback?