I’m a People Pleaser Who Tried Saying "No" to Everything for a Week—Here’s What Happened

Table of ContentsView AllTable of ContentsWhy Is It So Hard To Say No?Day 1: The Work EmailDay 2: Family FavorsDay 3: Social PressuresDay 4: The WalkDay 5: Saying “No” to MyselfDay 6: A Boundary PushDay 7: ReflectionWill I Be Saying “No” More Often?

Table of ContentsView All

View All

Table of Contents

Why Is It So Hard To Say No?

Day 1: The Work Email

Day 2: Family Favors

Day 3: Social Pressures

Day 4: The Walk

Day 5: Saying “No” to Myself

Day 6: A Boundary Push

Day 7: Reflection

Will I Be Saying “No” More Often?

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If there’s one word that I struggle to say, it’s “no.” I’ve built a life around being accommodating. Need an extra set of hands on a work project? I’m your girl. Can’t find someone to help with last-minute plans? You can count on me.

There’s nothing wrong with helping people, of course. But I’d started to notice that my “yes” reflex was leaving me burnt out and feeling resentful.

So when my editor popped into my inbox asking if I’d experiment with saying “no” to everything for a week, a lot of feelings cropped up for me. On the one hand, the thought gave me stomach pains. On the other hand, I imagined it’d be a great excuse to prioritize myself for a week (because, yes, I needed anexcuse).

In other words, this experiment felt like an uncomfortable but necessary task.

So I said “yes” to the assignment—and said “no” to everything else for that week. (At least, I refused everything that didn’t align with my needs, priorities, or values.)

Here’s what happened.

I’m not a textbookpeople pleaser—I can be grumpy, blunt, and headstrong. But I often agree to do things I don’t want to do because I’m afraid of conflict and rejection. Classic people-pleasing behavior, right?

If that description feels like a personal attack, you’re not alone. Hunt says that many people learn that self-sacrifice is a good thing. “This eventually leads to prioritizing others’ needs over their own out of fear of conflict or rejection,” she says.

For some people, people-pleasing is atrauma response. Many revert to “fawning” or people-pleasing when they feel unsafe.

There’s a term for this: pathological altruism. And research shows that healthy selfishness is better for you, psychologically and socially, than pathological altruism.

Beyond feeling rejected, one of the reasons why I find it hard to say “no” is because I genuinely can’t tell whether I’m being callous or not.

So, I askedMaria Ross, an empathy advocate and author, how to tell the difference betweenbeing empatheticand people-pleasing.

She gave me a helpful perspective: that people-pleasing doesn’t typically come from empathy, but from a place of fear. “When you default to people-pleasing, that is not empathy, It’s submission,” Ross says. “It’s about your own needs and desires to feel good.”

When you default to people-pleasing, that is not empathy, It’s submission.—MARIA ROSS

When you default to people-pleasing, that is not empathy, It’s submission.

—MARIA ROSS

“When others make an ask of us, we often react immediately from our own needs, whether we immediately say no because we’re stressed and busy or immediately say yes because we want to make the other person happy,” Ross says. In other words, when we people-please, we’re still acting based on our own desires.

On the other hand, empathy is about considering another person’s perspective.Ross advises that there is a compassionate, empathetic way to hold boundaries.

So, with that in mind, I got stuck into my experiment.

The Importance of Setting Boundaries for Mental Health

The first test of my “no” experiment came before I’d even finished my morning coffee. A client emailed asking if I could help take on an additional copywriting project with a tight deadline.

Normally, I’d agree immediately and figure out how to deal with the stress later. But today, I hesitated. Did I really want to do it? Or was I saying yes out of habit?

For people-pleasers who are struggling to tune into their own wants and desires, Hunt suggests pausing before saying yes.

“Use the pause to check in with your physical and emotional reactions,” Hunt says. “Ask yourself, ‘Does this feel genuine and authentic, or does it feel like something I should want?’”

If I felt excited about the assignment, I might’ve squeezed it into my schedule—but after pausing, I realized the subject matter was just not my vibe.

“Thank you for thinking of me,” I replied, “but I don’t have the bandwidth for this project right now.” I hit send before I could overthink it.

The result? The client was completely understanding, and they found another copywriter to help with the project. I felt a jolt of pride—and relief. Maybe saying “no” wouldn’t be so bad after all.

How to Say No to People

A text from a relative was my next challenge. She was job-hunting and wanted help creating a resumé.

Usually, I wouldn’t mind helping—but I had a bunch of things on my plate. I briefly considered doing it on my lunch break or after work, when I was meant to be studying for a course I was taking.

But then I thought about how tired I was, and how badly I needed to rest.

I texted her back and explained I wouldn’t get a chance to help with her resume until the following week. I also wished her luck in her job search. She completely understood. Win!

Something I said yes to, though? Grabbing pizza and watching a movie with my partner and friends that evening. I realized that, if I’d said yes to helping my relative, I’d have had to say no to this much-needed quality time.

On Wednesday, a friend asked if I wanted to make plans for the weekend.

I typically enjoy having social engagements on the weekends. I’m a community-oriented person, and my friendships mean a lot to me. I was also hesitant to say no to them because it’s a relatively new friendship—while I feel more comfortableasserting boundaries with my closest friends, I worry about making new friends feel rejected or unwanted.

But I had my final yoga teacher training practicals on the weekend, which meant I’d be physically and emotionally tired. I knew that if I agreed to a dinner, I’d either cancel on the day or I’d feel too tired and nervous to fully enjoy it.

Saying ‘no’ didn’t make me a bad friend; it just made me an honest one.

I thanked them for the invite but explained that I wanted to focus all my attention on my yoga course. To my surprise, they weren’t just understanding—they were super excited for me. We both agreed to catch up next month.

I realized I’d been overthinking people’s reactions to my boundaries. Saying “no” didn’t make me a bad friend; it just made me an honest one.

It’s Time To Get Out of Conversations You’re Not Into. Here’s How

My neighbor and I had plans to do an hour-long walk on Thursday evening.

I told my neighbor I was considering canceling as I was pretty exhausted. She compassionately encouraged me to reschedule if I needed to. It felt great to get this sort of support from her.

I reminded myself of my reasons for this experiment: to prioritize myself. I used an AI-powered journaling app calledRosebudto help me make a decision, and it helped me parse out the pros and cons.

Eventually, I decided to go on the walk. And I’m glad I did—the conversation, exercise, and fresh air did me good.

As much as the week was about saying “no”, I also wanted to say “yes” to things that served my needs and well-being.

On Friday, the challenge turned inward.

I’d been significantly tired all week—which I interpreted as asymptom of burnout.

For this reason, I decided to take Friday off work. After sleeping in and hitting the sauna, I felt better and immediately considered piling tasks on my plate: housework, personal admin, and work.

I knew I needed more rest, but I also felt terribly guilty about not working (which is an issue in itself).

Ross shared some words that I found really helpful for this situation. “When our own house is in disarray, we can’t make space for other people’s perspectives without defensiveness or fear,” she says. “Setting boundariesisan act of self-care because it enables me to operate at full capacity and be present enough to practice empathy when needed.”

Setting boundariesisan act of self-care because it enables me to operate at full capacity and be present enough to practice empathy when needed.—MARIA ROSS

Setting boundariesisan act of self-care because it enables me to operate at full capacity and be present enough to practice empathy when needed.

I know what I’m like when I’m burned out: it’s a terrible experience for me and those around me. I slack on house chores, I miss deadlines, and I’m way too cranky to be there for my loved ones.

The solution here is self-care. This can be tricky if you’re not used to taking care of yourself, of course. “I would invite folks to think of true self-care as something that energizes your body, mind, and soul,” Ross advises. “What do you need to recharge, reset, take a break, shift your thinking, use a different part of your brain?”

For me, it was cuddling my dog, doing crafts, and watching Netflix—simple, but soothing.

5 Types of Self-Care for Every Area of Your Life

Saturday brought my biggest challenge yet: a friend who wouldn’t take “no” for an answer. They kept pressing me to join a group activity, even after I’d politely declined. I found myself wavering, tempted to give in just to avoid conflict.

But instead, I simply repeated my “no” and changed the subject.

I felt terrible, to be honest, partly because they were clearly upset with me.

While the interaction felt uncomfortable, it was a lesson in holding my ground even when others resist.

By Sunday, I felt empowered.

Saying “no” hadn’t turned me into a villain, nor had it alienated my loved ones. I managed to take time off work, focus fully on my yoga teacher training, and feel more in control of my time and energy. And I did that all without harming any of my relationships!

That’s not to say there weren’t challenges. Saying “no” can be uncomfortable, especially if you’re used to over-accommodating.

But the benefits—reduced stress, increased self-respect, and a clearer sense of priorities—were undeniable.

Are You Standing Up For Yourself? It’s Time to Self-Advocate and Take Your Power Back

Absolutely.

But I’m not going to lie: I don’t think saying “no” is a skill I’ve mastered yet. It makes me very uncomfortable, and I still have a sense of guilt about Saturday’s interaction.

I’ll need more practice before I feel confident. But I think I’ve made some progress.

That said, I’ve also learned to balance this newfound assertiveness with flexibility. Not every “yes” is a bad thing. Sometimes it’s worth saying “yes” to opportunities that align with your values.

Takeaways

Here’s what I’ve learned from this experiment:

If people-pleasing is causing you significant stress, it’s a good idea to consider speaking with a therapist, Hunt says. “Therapy can help you explore and identify these patterns, challenge them, and introduce helpful tools like mindfulness exercises, distress tolerance techniques, andself-compassion practices, which can be incredibly helpful for habitual people-pleasers.”

For people pleasers like me, I can’t recommend this experiment enough. Start small—say “no” to one request this week—and see how it feels. You might just discover that protecting your time and energy is the best gift you can give yourself.

How to Set Boundaries With Your Partner

3 SourcesVerywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Kaufman SB, Jauk E.Healthy selfishness and pathological altruism: measuring two paradoxical forms of selfishness.Front Psychol. 2020;11:521440.American Psychological Association. APA Dictionary of Psychology.Empathy.Maslach C, Leiter MP.Understanding the burnout experience: recent research and its implications for psychiatry.World Psychiatry. 2016;15(2):103-111.

3 Sources

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Kaufman SB, Jauk E.Healthy selfishness and pathological altruism: measuring two paradoxical forms of selfishness.Front Psychol. 2020;11:521440.American Psychological Association. APA Dictionary of Psychology.Empathy.Maslach C, Leiter MP.Understanding the burnout experience: recent research and its implications for psychiatry.World Psychiatry. 2016;15(2):103-111.

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.

Kaufman SB, Jauk E.Healthy selfishness and pathological altruism: measuring two paradoxical forms of selfishness.Front Psychol. 2020;11:521440.American Psychological Association. APA Dictionary of Psychology.Empathy.Maslach C, Leiter MP.Understanding the burnout experience: recent research and its implications for psychiatry.World Psychiatry. 2016;15(2):103-111.

Kaufman SB, Jauk E.Healthy selfishness and pathological altruism: measuring two paradoxical forms of selfishness.Front Psychol. 2020;11:521440.

American Psychological Association. APA Dictionary of Psychology.Empathy.

Maslach C, Leiter MP.Understanding the burnout experience: recent research and its implications for psychiatry.World Psychiatry. 2016;15(2):103-111.

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