Table of ContentsView AllTable of ContentsDefinitionRed FlagsAre All Types Of Passive-Aggression Equal?When Is Passive-Aggression Worth Confronting?Solutions and Tips
Table of ContentsView All
View All
Table of Contents
Definition
Red Flags
Are All Types Of Passive-Aggression Equal?
When Is Passive-Aggression Worth Confronting?
Solutions and Tips
Close
Passive-aggressive behaviorcan make friendship confusing. One second, you’re clinking glasses of espresso martinis over gossip. The next you’re exchanging clipped text messages and what you think might be slight barbs. You’re wondering if they really did forget to invite you to their birthday dinner and why their voice always tends to go monotone when you share good news.
It is easy to notice when a stranger causes offense, but when a prickly comment comes wrapped in a smile, it’s a bit harder to uncover. But that’s where we come in. We’ve rounded up some tips to help you spot the passive-aggression in your circle and figure out if it’s worth dealing with.
What Is Passive-Aggression?
Someone neglecting to tell you about the upcoming girls’ trip or a group brunch date might be displaying passive-aggression towards you. Their refusal to directly engage with what’s bothering them leads to harmful behavior. Even when the method is subtle, being on the receiving end of passive-aggression hurts.
Dr. Brook Choulet, MD, describes engaging with a passive-aggressive person as, “when you’re walking away from an interaction with a friend, and you feel your energy draining.” You notice it when you observe “your glass was half empty rather than half full after an interaction.”
Aggressive Communication: Examples and How to Handle It
Passive-Aggression and What It Says About Your Friendship(s)
Small slips of a sharp tongue can indicate what someone reallythinks about your connectionin a split instant. But since you’re not prepared for unkindness from a friend, it can leave you so confused you’re tempted to question your reaction to the sting.
Dr. BrookYou’re like, wait, was that just me thinking that that was mean, or was that actually mean?
Dr. Brook
You’re like, wait, was that just me thinking that that was mean, or was that actually mean?
Backhanded complimentsoften have this effect. Someone might tell you they love that dress on you, and they could never be brave enough to wear sequins at your size. “It seems like a compliment maybe on the surface, but it actually has a kind of a negative undertone to it,” says Dr. Brook.
What’s The Difference Between Passive-Aggression and Miscommunication?
The biggest difference between passive-aggression andmiscommunicationis intention. “Miscommunication is accidental and it happens when you aren’t able to express what you really mean or the person you are talking to misunderstands what you were trying to say,” says Hannah Owens, licensed clinical social worker and Verywell Mind editor.
Passive-aggressive, on the other hand, is “usually intentional, or at least, avoiding talking about your problems is intentional,” she notes. “Sometimes, a person has learned passive-aggressive behavior from their family and has internalized it, so they might not be aware that they are doing it.”
The Bottom LineA passive-aggressive person is attempting to hurt you with their action or inaction, while someone miscommunicating may have accidentally (the keyword isaccidentally) nicked your feelings.
The Bottom Line
A passive-aggressive person is attempting to hurt you with their action or inaction, while someone miscommunicating may have accidentally (the keyword isaccidentally) nicked your feelings.
And if you can’t gauge someone’s tone or intention, ask them questions. Dr. Brook recommends the following:
What Are Some Passive-Aggressive Red Flags?
There are ~many~ passive-aggressive behaviors fromghostingto constant excuses. Here are some of the most common:
Inconsistent Communication
It’s the sign of all signs. When theirwords don’t match their actions, chances are they’re being passive-aggressive.
For example, if they invite you to join them at the last minute, accept your invitation but show up egregiously late, or accidentally forget to text you an address, they might be engaging in what Dr. Brook labels “subtle sabotage.”
“It might seem like they’re on board with that idea, but then they’re acting in a way to undermine it and making last-minute switches,” she adds. Inconsistent communication can also look like saying there isn’t a conflict but then leaving anonymous notes around the home or office indicating there’s an issue.
In essence, it’s “refusing to talk about what’s bothering them (even if you ask directly) but continuing to give you the cold shoulder or punish you for what they think you are doing wrong,” says Owens.
Going Along to Get Along
The Use of Unkind “Jokes”
Their Face Is Unfriendly
“There arenon-verbal cuesto it,” Camper says. “They may smile, but it’s like it’s not a real smile; it’s just a cover-up smile.”
Research shows that, while passive-aggression is a personality trait, it’s not an automatic mode for everyone.Some people are used to passive-aggressive behaviors because of how they grew up.
“For some people, passive-aggressiveness is the norm and whenever we have a normal habit, we can consider it a part of our personality,” Camper says. “If you grow up in an environment where you are not allowed to speak your truth, then you get used tosuppressing your truth, yet acting out your disagreement and quiet passive-aggressive ways.”
Then, there are others who are acting passive-aggressively because of circumstances. For example, if you and your friend have a typically stable relationship with no conflict but suddenly, they’re displaying passive-aggressive behaviors, something deeper might be going on, Dr. Cook says.
“Context is really important,” she adds. Your friend might be acting out because “they have a big stressor in their life.” This can include major life changes like switching jobs, getting divorced, planning a wedding, having a child, or relocating. Consider their situations before confronting them, as it could indicate their intentions.
If you value a relationship deeply, it can be worth confronting one’s passive-aggressive behavior in a positive manner. But only if it’s safe to do so. “It’s better to try to get things out in the open and talk about your problems rather than continuing to put up with (or to perpetuate) passive-aggression,” Owens explains.
Confrontation Doesn’t Need to Be Scary—These Tips Will Help You Do it Right
How Can You Positively Confront Passive-Aggressive Behavior?
Talking to a passive-aggressive person can be a huge headache. No one wants to hear ”I’m fine” repeatedly when everyone knows they’re! not! fine! Frustrating, right? But there are tips that make confronting your PA friend much easier—here are a few:
Bottom Line
Ultimately, dealing with a passive passive-aggressive friend can be super frustrating. Countlessly asking “what’s wrong” only to receive the same “I’m fine” response, when both parties know there’s nothing “fine” about the situation. But with these therapist-approved tips—using “I” statements and getting to the root of the issue—you can deal with this communication mishap effectively and maybe save your friendship in the long run.
Coping With Emotionally Draining Friends
3 SourcesVerywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Lim YO, Suh KH.Development and validation of a measure of passive aggression traits: the passive aggression scale(Pas).Behavioral Sciences. 2022;12(8):273. doi:10.3390/bs12080273McIlduff E, Coghlan D.Understanding and contending with passive‐aggressive behaviour in teams and organizations.Journal of Managerial Psychology. 2000;15(7):716-736. doi:10.1108/02683940010378072Corcaci G.Expression of hostility - basis of passive aggressive behavior. Correlational study.EJMHB. 2023;6(1):01-12. doi:10.18662/eejmhb/6.1/34
3 Sources
Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Lim YO, Suh KH.Development and validation of a measure of passive aggression traits: the passive aggression scale(Pas).Behavioral Sciences. 2022;12(8):273. doi:10.3390/bs12080273McIlduff E, Coghlan D.Understanding and contending with passive‐aggressive behaviour in teams and organizations.Journal of Managerial Psychology. 2000;15(7):716-736. doi:10.1108/02683940010378072Corcaci G.Expression of hostility - basis of passive aggressive behavior. Correlational study.EJMHB. 2023;6(1):01-12. doi:10.18662/eejmhb/6.1/34
Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.
Lim YO, Suh KH.Development and validation of a measure of passive aggression traits: the passive aggression scale(Pas).Behavioral Sciences. 2022;12(8):273. doi:10.3390/bs12080273McIlduff E, Coghlan D.Understanding and contending with passive‐aggressive behaviour in teams and organizations.Journal of Managerial Psychology. 2000;15(7):716-736. doi:10.1108/02683940010378072Corcaci G.Expression of hostility - basis of passive aggressive behavior. Correlational study.EJMHB. 2023;6(1):01-12. doi:10.18662/eejmhb/6.1/34
Lim YO, Suh KH.Development and validation of a measure of passive aggression traits: the passive aggression scale(Pas).Behavioral Sciences. 2022;12(8):273. doi:10.3390/bs12080273
McIlduff E, Coghlan D.Understanding and contending with passive‐aggressive behaviour in teams and organizations.Journal of Managerial Psychology. 2000;15(7):716-736. doi:10.1108/02683940010378072
Corcaci G.Expression of hostility - basis of passive aggressive behavior. Correlational study.EJMHB. 2023;6(1):01-12. doi:10.18662/eejmhb/6.1/34
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