I Hate My Mother: What to Do When You Feel This Way

Table of ContentsView AllTable of ContentsWhy Do I Hate My Mom?How Do I Cope When I Hate My MotherFrequently Asked Questions

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Why Do I Hate My Mom?

How Do I Cope When I Hate My Mother

Frequently Asked Questions

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Many people have thought or said “I hate my mom," often when they’readolescentsand are mad about not getting their way. They probably didn’t mean it at the time and looking back they may even regret their rebellious behavior.

However, in some cases, people actually dohatetheir mothers, sometimes for good reason. This can be a difficult situation to be in, because mothers are typically characterized as warm, caring, and nurturing.

People sometimes feel hatred for their mothers if they fail to meet their expectations of what a mother should be, saysSabrina Romanoff, PsyD, a clinical psychologist and professor at Yeshiva University, New York City. Below, Romanoff unpacks the complex reasons why you might hate your mom.

Betrayal Trauma—The Impact of Being Betrayed

Your mother was once solely responsible for your vitality and responded to your every need. Therefore, we hold intense bonds with our mothers. That intensity often impedes our ability to view our mothers as humans, along with the flaws and damage that correspond with that.

Sabrina Romanoff, PsyDPeople usually harbor feelings of hatred towards their mothers when they believe they’ve been mistreated, neglected, or abused.

Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD

People usually harbor feelings of hatred towards their mothers when they believe they’ve been mistreated, neglected, or abused.

Relationships with mothers are often complicated. Rarely are mothers ‘all-bad’ figures, and therein lies the problem.

Moreover, hate is complicated and is usually reserved for people who we have diversified feelings towards. In other words, it is much easier to accept a flawed person when we have a minimal history with them or don’t have to rely on them.

So, if your mother alwaysbehaved abusivelyand treated you horribly, you likely would not hold discord in your view of her. As a result, it might be easier to accept her as she is and sever all contact.

The problem is that mothers, like all humans, are imperfect. Meaning that they have good and bad qualities. Our experience of them depends on both the magnitude of their flaws and also on our ability and capacity to accept their mistakes and faults.

If your mother wasabusive, if you struggle to accept her shortcomings, or more commonly, if she was inconsistent in her treatment of you or to others, you likely will have an adverse reaction each time she violates your expectations of her.

Inconsistent parents change their minds often, don’t make strong decisions, lack structure, and don’t engage with their kids in a predictable way.If your mother was inconsistent in her parenting, you may have trouble believing that she is reliable or predictable. Research also suggests that this style of parenting can contribute to feelings of anxiety.

However, underneath your feelings of hate, lies the love the child version of you still has for your mother. Despite mistreatment, children still hold out hope for their caretakers to treat them in the way they believe loving mothers should. And, ultimately, perpetual disappointment usually creates an intense, negative reaction, likehate.

What’s the Psychology Behind Mommy Issues?

Hating your mother can be confusing and emotionally draining since hatred is a more severe form ofanger. It’s important to prioritize self-care and make any changes to your lifestyle that are necessary for you to cope.

It’s also natural for you to feel angry. Romanoff explains how you can use your anger productively to set boundaries.

Setting Boundaries

Anger is usually a healthy reaction to indicate a boundary has been violated. The key to anger is recognizing it and learning how to use it productively. A productive reaction to anger is to first identify when it is occurring, and then pause to reflect on the source and cause.

If you don’t take the time to pause and understand what your anger is in response to, you will be unable to re-create the violated boundary.

Instead, you will be left with the carnage of your impulsive anger-driven response, which usually corresponds with feelings ofguiltas you may then feel obligated to apologize to the aggressor.

This creates a vicious cycle of reciprocal jabs between each of you without getting either of your needs met in a productive way.

Sabrina Romanoff, PsyDInstead, use your anger as a guide to help you learn more about yourself, your boundaries, and what you need from others, and in turn, teach the people around you how you need to be treated.

Instead, use your anger as a guide to help you learn more about yourself, your boundaries, and what you need from others, and in turn, teach the people around you how you need to be treated.

Therapycan be a helpful tool to teach you how to use your anger productively and set boundaries that protect your mental health.

Get Help NowWe’ve tried, tested, and written unbiased reviews of thebest online therapy programsincluding Talkspace, BetterHelp, and ReGain. Find out which option is the best for you.

Get Help Now

We’ve tried, tested, and written unbiased reviews of thebest online therapy programsincluding Talkspace, BetterHelp, and ReGain. Find out which option is the best for you.

Self-Care

This can take different forms depending on the dynamics of your relationship with your mother. For instance, it could mean asking your mother for some space or telling her you don’t want to spend the holidays together anymore.

If you live with your mother, it could involve lifestyle changes, where you move out if you’re old enough to, or seek help if you’re a victim of abuse.

If you are a victim of child abuse or know someone who might be, call or text theChildhelp National Child Abuse Hotlineat1-800-422-4453to speak with a professional crisis counselor.For more mental health resources, see ourNational Helpline Database.

If you are a victim of child abuse or know someone who might be, call or text theChildhelp National Child Abuse Hotlineat1-800-422-4453to speak with a professional crisis counselor.

For more mental health resources, see ourNational Helpline Database.

A Word From Verywell

There are many reasons why you might feel detached from your mother, and it is normal to feel like you don’t like your mom. Even if there was no history of neglect or abuse in your childhood, factors including personality, mental health issues, communication style, and other causes may make it difficult to like your mother. In such cases, setting clear boundaries and taking care of your emotional health are essential.

Signs of a toxic mother include:Self-centerednessOverly criticalEmotional instabilityWeak boundariesControllingManipulativeExcessively demandingOverly negativeLack of empathy

Signs of a toxic mother include:

Resentment can build over time and may stem from unresolved anger over abuse, neglect, or other traumas that occurred during childhood. It is also normal to feel resentment if your parent didn’t support you in times of need, if they were overly critical of you, if they expected too much, if they failed to protect you from other hurts, or if they did not make you feel accepted and loved.

Why the “No Contact” Rule Is So Important After a Breakup

2 SourcesVerywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Ryan R, O’Farrelly C, Ramchandani P.Parenting and child mental health.London J Prim Care (Abingdon). 2017;9(6):86–94. doi:10.1080/17571472.2017.1361630Duncombe ME, Havighurst SS, Holland KA, Frankling EJ.The contribution of parenting practices and parent emotion factors in children at risk for disruptive behavior disorders.Child Psychiatry Hum Dev. 2012;43(5):715–733. doi:10.1007/s10578-012-0290-5

2 Sources

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Ryan R, O’Farrelly C, Ramchandani P.Parenting and child mental health.London J Prim Care (Abingdon). 2017;9(6):86–94. doi:10.1080/17571472.2017.1361630Duncombe ME, Havighurst SS, Holland KA, Frankling EJ.The contribution of parenting practices and parent emotion factors in children at risk for disruptive behavior disorders.Child Psychiatry Hum Dev. 2012;43(5):715–733. doi:10.1007/s10578-012-0290-5

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.

Ryan R, O’Farrelly C, Ramchandani P.Parenting and child mental health.London J Prim Care (Abingdon). 2017;9(6):86–94. doi:10.1080/17571472.2017.1361630Duncombe ME, Havighurst SS, Holland KA, Frankling EJ.The contribution of parenting practices and parent emotion factors in children at risk for disruptive behavior disorders.Child Psychiatry Hum Dev. 2012;43(5):715–733. doi:10.1007/s10578-012-0290-5

Ryan R, O’Farrelly C, Ramchandani P.Parenting and child mental health.London J Prim Care (Abingdon). 2017;9(6):86–94. doi:10.1080/17571472.2017.1361630

Duncombe ME, Havighurst SS, Holland KA, Frankling EJ.The contribution of parenting practices and parent emotion factors in children at risk for disruptive behavior disorders.Child Psychiatry Hum Dev. 2012;43(5):715–733. doi:10.1007/s10578-012-0290-5

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