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The desire forloveis universal. It’s rare to encounter a human being who has never yearned for true love, but what does the term even mean?
We associate “true love” with fairytales and Disney, or with extravagant weddings and romantic films about couples overcoming adversity together and building a beautiful life together.
The concept of true love is even puzzling to researchers, with academic literature indicating love is an experience that boils down to a collection of emotions that further our ability to survive.
While there certainly is truth in this, from the drive to reproduce to the intense attachment that can provide support during the end of our lives, deep love can be hard to spot.
It isn’t uncommon to wonder if you’ve found true love, or if the love you once thought was your end game is fading, and if true love even lasts. We’ve got you. This article will help you spot and learn how to nurture deep,secure, love in—hopefully—its truest form.
Take the Love Quiz
Our fast and freelove quizcan help you determine if what you’ve got is the real deal or simply a temporary fling or infatuation.
Characteristics of True Love
To learn how to identify true love, it’s important to understand the characteristics of it. A key component of true love is an unwavering sense of mutually feelingrespectedand valued. Speaking poorly of each other and breaking the agreed-uponboundariesof the relationship exist as the antithesis of these traits.
Lauren Consul, LMFTSecure love isn’t a fixed endpoint; it’s a continual journey where partners actively and consistently show up for themselves, each other, and the relationship.
Lauren Consul, LMFT
Secure love isn’t a fixed endpoint; it’s a continual journey where partners actively and consistently show up for themselves, each other, and the relationship.
Unconditional acceptance and support are also key to true love. The same way you don’t speak poorly of each other, it is also important that you accept and support one another in the best and worst of times. This doesn’t mean that you evade difficult truths. In true love, you can trust that you can be honest. Furthermore, you can trust that your partner is honest with you.
But, true love isn’t only about respect, values, and boundaries. There are also enchanting elements that keep you in therelationshipwhen times feel tough.
To dig deeper into the magic, we talked to licensed marriage and family therapistLauren Consul, “Secure love isn’t a fixed endpoint; it’s a continual journey where partners actively and consistently show up for themselves,each other, and the relationship.” This is a key point to remember—true love isn’t the end of a book. It’s the process of writing an evolving story. “It involves experiencing a sense of safety, assurance, and significance in the eyes of your partner,” she continued. This type of connection helps develop a deep emotional bond and intimacy.
What Are the Five Love Languages?
How Does True Love Feel?
When it comes to the concept of love, it isn’t uncommon to hear people sayyou’ll just know. There’s good reason for this. An element of love is unspeakable, it is a feeling above all. “It goes beyond merely being heard; it’s about feeling that your words hold importance for your partner,” shares Consul. This feeling indicates emotional connection, trust, andvulnerability.
True love feels less like adrenaline and more like the sense of calm you’re left with after receiving a much-needed hug. It doesn’t leave you with questions or mixed-up emotions and feels authentic in a deeper way than what many of us have experienced.
However, things can get tricky. You can have a deep love for someone and also no longer wish to continue in a relationship with them. Though this may seem contradictory, such a predicament isn’t an indicator of a lack of depth, “True love doesn’t conquer all…it coexists with external circumstances that mayend the relationship journey, but does not end the love,” says Consul.
Similarly, she shares that someone can also love another but be unable to truly express that love because they have yet to do important internal work. Alas, this is when we end up in the unfortunate predicament ofemotional unavailability. Yet, in a secure loving relationship, both parties are dedicated to doing the work to ensure they are available for the sweetness a relationship can bring.
How to Transition From the Honeymoon Phase to Lasting Love
How Do I Find It?
Datingto find true love can be a daunting task in a world where many people are just looking forcasualconnections. However, with some persistence, focus, and self-work, it is possible to not only find your match but to enjoy the journey along the way.
As for the logistics of dating? Somatic psychotherapist, coach, and mindfulness teacherFrancesca Maximégave us her thoughts: “Dating appsare always going to be an option, but try to meet people in real life.”
Maintaining True Love
So, you’ve found the love. How do you keep it? According to Consul, the bedrock of a thriving, long-term relationship lies in sustained curiosity. Curiosity helps avoid assumptions, which in turn avoids judgment while fostering intimacy and solutions.
Beyond curiosity iseffective communication. Research shows that the way a couple navigates conflict is directly indicative of the quality of the relationship.Conflict isn’t bad for a relationship and is a great way couples can learn how tonavigate challengestogether.
Francesca Maximé, somatic psychotherapistTrue love is much more about secure functioning together. It increases your capacity to be kind and selfless, have boundaries, and be a discerning individual, all at the same time with your lover,.
Francesca Maximé, somatic psychotherapist
True love is much more about secure functioning together. It increases your capacity to be kind and selfless, have boundaries, and be a discerning individual, all at the same time with your lover,.
If you’re noticing things are feeling particularly rocky within your relationship, consider seeking out therapy.Couples therapyis an excellent tool that can help you streamline your communication, physical connection, and emotional understanding of one another. If you’re not sure where to begin,Inclusive Therapistsis an excellent therapist directory where you can search for therapists based on identity, modality, location, fee, and more.
Keep in Mind
While true love takes work, your fruits of labor will be well worth it. “True love is much more about secure functioning together. It increases your capacity to be kind and selfless, have boundaries, and be a discerning individual, all at the same time with your lover,” explains Maximé.
If you’ve found it, trust that you can sustain it. If you’re looking for it, trust it is waiting for you.
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2 SourcesVerywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Seshadri KG.The neuroendocrinology of love. Indian J Endocrinol Metab. 2016;20(4):558-563. doi:10.4103/2230-8210.183479De Netto PM, Quek KF, Golden KJ.Communication, the heart of a relationship: examining capitalization, accommodation, and self-construal on relationship satisfaction. Front Psychol. 2021;12:767908. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2021.767908
2 Sources
Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Seshadri KG.The neuroendocrinology of love. Indian J Endocrinol Metab. 2016;20(4):558-563. doi:10.4103/2230-8210.183479De Netto PM, Quek KF, Golden KJ.Communication, the heart of a relationship: examining capitalization, accommodation, and self-construal on relationship satisfaction. Front Psychol. 2021;12:767908. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2021.767908
Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.
Seshadri KG.The neuroendocrinology of love. Indian J Endocrinol Metab. 2016;20(4):558-563. doi:10.4103/2230-8210.183479De Netto PM, Quek KF, Golden KJ.Communication, the heart of a relationship: examining capitalization, accommodation, and self-construal on relationship satisfaction. Front Psychol. 2021;12:767908. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2021.767908
Seshadri KG.The neuroendocrinology of love. Indian J Endocrinol Metab. 2016;20(4):558-563. doi:10.4103/2230-8210.183479
De Netto PM, Quek KF, Golden KJ.Communication, the heart of a relationship: examining capitalization, accommodation, and self-construal on relationship satisfaction. Front Psychol. 2021;12:767908. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2021.767908
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